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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell my girlfriend, without hurting her feelings, that she > really ought to wear a bra or something under that tight, white sweater?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give your girlfriend a copy of the following poem: } } Oh Darling of mine } I love you so } And this is why } I want you to know: } } I love your body } I love your mind } but you should know } that I'm in a bind } } The sweaters you wear } I love with much sound } But I just don't like } when your boobs flap around } } If you would just wear } something for me } some nice underwear } say, 36 C } } with pretty pink lace } and a little white bow } you'll be gorgeous for all } and know one will know } } Remember I love you } from your head to your foot } but I'll love you better } when your boobs stay put. } } You owe the Oracle a bra. The Oracle wears a 42 DD.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The piss race is when you flush the toilet and then start urinating in > an effort to finish before the water stops flowing.  How many people > do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my child, every human who has seen indoor plumbing has done } this at one time or another.  (Males have the most fun, as they can } watch the yellow water water swirling around.) A more pertinant question } would be how many males can make a descent rendition of the Beatle's } "Magical Mystery Tour" albumn cover while pissing in the snow.  (For } those who drink less water, start with the white albumn.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Help!  I've got the (It's a world of) lyrics to "It's a (of hope > and fears) Small World" stuck in (world that we share, and it's time) my > head!  (It's a small, small, world.) How can I (and it's time we're > aware) get them (It's a small world, after all) out (It's a) before > (small world) I go (after all) insane?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy.  Just put something else there.... } Here, use this } } Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greet me, } Small and white, clean and bright, you look happy to meet me.... } } "Small World" will then be dispaced to someone else's head.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Long ago, when the land was beseeched by the forces of evil, there was a > propehsy that one day would come a means by which all men would be have > access to the information and knowledge that at this time is only > available to the finest minds.  It was also prophesized that one person > would rise up as one who could give answers to even the simplest of > these people, and that he would lead them.  O Oracle, is it possible > that you are this man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I'm the one, but don't spread it around.  The access methods are } still too limited so the prophecy has not been fulfilled... } } You owe the oracle 4 billion free network accounts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, I want to glow in the dark.  What is the cheapest medical > or surgical procedure to do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in luck:  humans Naturally glow in the dark---this according to } recent work of Profs.  Pons anD Fleishmann of cold fusion fame, who } dismiss other researchers' failure to replicate their experiment and } brush aside objections to their methodology (P&F report that they } conduct their experiments in daylight, then subtract out the sun's } luminosity to calculate the intensity of the human aura).  Pons and } Fleishmann warn, however, that their photometry suggests that this human } aura is extremely faint, and advise people wishing to enhance their } natural glow to supplement their diet with Heavy Water laced with } Tritium and Vitamin E and garnished with a maraschino cherry. } } Not unpredictably, this prescription has received less than glowing } reviews from the medical community.  The Oracle suggests that you try } instead to enhance the sensitivity of the intended observer of your } natural glow by supplementing his/her diet with lysergic acid, an } approach equally unsanctioned by thE FDA but with much better anecdotal } evidence in its favor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, sing me a song about mooses in the computer labs here at Penn > State (pretty please?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh the mooses (da dee dum) } On the looses (da dee dum) } They never snoozes by the CRT (ta da dee yada.  tada dee yada) } } Oh the mooses (ba ba boom) } On the looses (ba dee yada) } Never gooses anybody but thee!  (beedeebeedeebeedebee) } } Oh, yes  (tadadada) } You guessed (deedeedeedy) } Edwin was that mooses name. (Spadeeyaddeeyada) } } Oh yes (babadooba) } You guessed (shah be daba) } All the mooses name' were all the same. } } Chor: }       Gaga boga }       Pas de deux da }       Wadn dadda bop bop }       Wadn dadda bop bop }       Heebi jeebie  wop wop }       Skeebie dadn hop hop }       Wah ba bab bababababababababababababa } } Yes, Edwin Meese   (pababa) } Came to town       (dadada) } And started to tear  (f'bam) } The Constitution down (ndada) } Every body said } They didn't need is any way (shazam) } And that's why the Republicans } Got to stay           (fadooba) } }       Boba dodn nada }       Semi attn nada }       Pe or i AAAAAAAAA! } } You owe the oracle a copy of "The Skat in the Hat."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, most interesting and wise, > > I must know, why is it that my "Gas Dynamics Volume I" book for my > compressible flow and propulsion course costs $105 when the rest of my > books usually cost half that much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question has confounded the minds (and pocketbooks) of students } ever since cave-students had to shell out rocks for cave-paintings. } } However, thanks to research and new advances in quantitative economic } and decision science, the function of cost can be roughly computed using } this simple equation: } } cost =            yz+qr }         C*x*s*t* ------- }                    uva } where: }      x=displacement of book in cubic centimeters }      y=number of useful equations }      z=number of obscure definitions }      q=number of original ideas }      r=number of analogies/illustrations }      s=number of people who must have this book for a class }      t=edition number }      u=number of quarters/semesters you'll need this book }      v=number of people who actually read this book }      a=number of other books you'll need for the class }      C=book constant (which can be found in a book which costs $9000 } } Remember, the cost of books can be kept low by choosing your classes } carefully.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm an oracleholic.  Tell me what is the proper number of questions to > ask you every day?  How come I snap up the oracularities like they're a > new Tom Clancy novel?  Why is my wife trying to cut down on my terminal > time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To paraphrase Jay Leno, ``Ask all you want, I'll answer more''.  My } child, there is no limit to my patience in answering questions. } } However, if you are trying to cut down (and if your wife is asking you } to cut down, you had better cut down!) then you may want to try sending } to "oraclelite" which has shorter, more useless answers and less tar } than the regular Oracle. } } To cut down on your dependence, remember that you choose the questions, } you also choose the answers.  You never ask a question without knowing } the answer; however you often choose not to know the answer.  Once you } have realized this, there is no need to ask---except to receive the } answer. } } You owe the Oracle a Tom Clancy novel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever finish my Ph.D.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Following a six-year period of great personal tragedy you will pen the } final words to your disertation.  Your advisors and the faculty of your } school will be monumentally impressed with your conclusions, and will } begin cautious discussions of hiring you on as a full professor.  The } industries will catch wind of your work, and significant corporate } in-fighting will erupt as they prepare positions and salaries to entice } your employment.  Your family and children will all gain some acclaim in } their own circles, by benefit of being related to such a celebrated } scholar.  Two months before your graduation, the president will make an } oblique reference to the breakthrough your work signifies (though he } won't say your name outright).  That same evening, aboard Airforce One, } he will pen a personal letter of congratulations and Presidential Thanks } to you.  On the day of your graduation, while putting on your robes for } the ceremony, a private airplane will circle the campus, streaming a } banner behind it that bears your name, a bold THANK YOU!, and the name } of the town's mayor.  People will look up, applaud, turn and see you, } and cheer with great vigor.  You'll hear thick emotion in the voice of } your college's president as he calls you to the podium to receive your } degree where approximately eight feet from his outstretched hand you } will lose control of your sphincter and soil yourself prodigiously on } national television.  Public opinion will turn, all offers will be } withdrawn, and you'll die lonely and unknown with nothing but a grey and } tattered college diploma for company. } } Yes, you will complete your Ph.D. } } You owe the Oracle the rights to your biography.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some questions I ask you are answered very quickly, others take quite > a lot of time.  If, oh wise one, you are omniscient then why does it > take so long to answer my simple questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being omniscient doesn't preempt me from network traffic.  There are } several networks a message must traverse before I can even look at it: } } 1)  The Internet -- a low technology mass of spaghetti. } 2)  The Indiana LAN -- a slightly higher technology mass of spaghetti. } 3)  The Oracular Transponder Packet Switched Slotted ALOHA Far Away In }     Space Instantaneous Get The Question To Me Network (ORTRANPACK- }     SALOHAFARAINSINSTGTQMENet)  This is a high-technology piece of }     spaghetti attached to a very complicated looking FM antenna. } 4)  The Oracle Local Area Network (OLANet) -- This network is used by }     the acolytes and myself to play Flight Simulator battles with each }     other. } 5)  My terminal...  It's an original SUN 3/50. } } As you can see, it's not MY network load that causes the slowdown, it's } the flight simulator throughput, er..., it's the load on the Internet. } } Yeah, that's the ticket. } } You owe the oracle a dive bombing run.