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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most parsimonious and contributive, > > Why does the media care if I didn't give that little gal a tip?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you would have been the first person living in Iowa who } didn't think it was fun to knock ol' Bessie over and listen to her moo. } } Congrats. } } You owe the Oracle some corn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true there's no such thing as a bad question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yup, quite true. The Oracle firmly believes that people need } to feel free to ask what they are perplexed about. They ask } to learn, what could be wrong with that? } } Let's look at your query supplicant. } } You have a reason to doubt that questions are intrinsically } bad or good. This has been a pressing question about all } questions from the start of questioning, no question about } that. } } Let's look at what some of your great thinkers have said: } } Buddha: *All* questions strive to leave the endless cycling queue }         of inquiry, once they do so they achieved Nod'oh, a state }         of not needing to be asked. } } Jesus: Let the bad questions come unto me. For I say to you }        the baffled shall inherit the climate adjusted spanner. }        I bring you good questions. Like; Where is all this }        bread coming from? More wine? No problemo. Fish? Sure, }        I will make you fish-mongers of the Good Question. } } Marx: Cast off those bad questions! They are chains tying }       you to the queues you produce. But who gets the }       credit? Those overlords of Knowledge, the damn Pr...[0] } } Sartre: Bad, good? Bah, they're just questions. } } Camus: We're all guilty of asking bad question unless we're }        obstinate in living as good questions. } } Genet: No one can ask a perfectly good question, so why live }        a doomed existence trying? On the other hand one can }        ask bad one question in one's sleep, or in the sleep }        of others whether they're at home or not. } } Alan Greenspan: Look we need bad questions to keep the }        good questions in line. In fact if the rate of }        interest in bad question drops. I'm going to }        flood the queue with these crossover questions }        I got in reserve on my Imac. } } You owe the Oracle a really bad question so The Oracle can } straighten it out with love and some big hugs. Dang it } supplicants, I love you all! <BIG HUG> } } [0] Marx's theory was proven nuts by a think tank in Indiana. }     Now a free-market in which good and bad question vie on }     a level queuing field reigns. In fact as far as bad }     questions go we're knee-deep in the deepest 'bunch of }     bull' market in digested history. Ain't Life Grand?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, who knows a kernel from a colonel, please > tell me... > > Bill Gates says that Windows 2000 will be "dramatically more reliable > than previous Microsoft products." Now, I was just wondering, what new > additions are there that make Windows 2000 such a better product?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I don't know about it being a better product. Sounds like ol' } Billy is blowing smoke again. There are, however, some surprises in } store for Microsoft users: } } TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW "WINDOWS 2000" } } 10. Handy expiration date lets user know when operating system has }     gone bad. } }  9. Peppy Randy Newman song, "I Love P.C.s," takes the edge off }     system crashes. } }  8. Taskbar items now include "laundry" and "dusting." } }  7. If you feed them after midnight, they replicate at an exponential }     rate. } }  6. Utilities now include a jellybean dispenser and a grappling hook. } }  5. Besides having a startup image and a shutdown image, now has a }     shutup image. } }  4. 100% biodegradable. } }  3. Screens telephone calls by simply repeating "Hello? Hello?" over }     and over. } }  2. Only operating system to be elected mayor of Down Falls, IA. } }  1. If you put an Altoid in the Zip Drive, you'll never have to }     download porn off the internet ever again. } } You owe the Oracle a tin of Altoids.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> /* question.c: Ask a question */ > #include "grovel.h" > #include "oracle.h" > #include "geek.h" /* Usefulness determined by runtime option -g */ > > int main(int argc, *char argv[]) > { >     int geek, resub; >     *char ques, ans; /* XXX XXX XXX Of unknown size, but in TRUIX, we >                      don't have to worry about buffer overflows.*/ >     while(argc) >         { >         if argv[argc] == "-g" || "--geek" {geek=1}; >         if argv[argc] == "-r" || "--resubmit" {resub=1}; >         argc--; >         } >     printf("Input base question. (Note that geek "); >     printf("questions require the -g flag\n"); >     fgets(STDIN, ques); >     addgrovel(ques); >     repoint: /* Where we start over in resub mode. */ >     sendo(ques); >     while (!ans) >         { >         sleep(DAY); /* Only wake up once a day */ >                     /**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**/ >                     /* FIXME: DAY is defined in oracle.h  */ >                     /* A new function (waitday(void)) in  */ >                     /* oracle.h may be called for, but    */ >                     /* oracle.h is already too complex    */ >                     /* as is.                             */ >                     /**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**/ >         checko(*ans); >         } >     printf(*ans); >     if (resub) >         { >         if (unfunny(ans)) goto repoint; >         if (geek && ungeeky(ans)) goto repoint; >         /* XXX There are cleaner ways of doing this, yes, >         but they involve a bigass while loop.*/ >         } >     return 0; > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle has compiled your question deeply. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are trying to get me to do your CS 101 homework.  So I } say, fget about it!  While my internal Ori-C compiler has } been able to use the READMIND macro to blithly ignore the } syntax errors and failure to precondition variables, since } before FORTRAN was ONETRAN, the systems on which you mere } mortals rely don't offer this option.  So, you know where you } can GOTO.  Or, to put it in a language you may someday } understand: } } MOV    SUPPLICANT, R1 } AND    ZOT, R1 } END    SUPPLICANT } } You owe the Oracle a 500Mhz PDP-8/S.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know if I'm alive or dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So much for Descartes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me -- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD -- HELP!!! > > It all started the other day.  I was watching the TV with my > significant other, when on came a show with the seemingly innocent > title "Martha Stewart Living".  I started to change the channel, but > she said "Oh, let's watch just a few minutes..." in a cutesy way, > so I put down the remote, and we watched.  After about 3 minutes, > I fell asleep.  When I awoke some 10 minutes later, her eyes were > glazed over.  She was making a list of things to buy like hot glue > guns, ceramic glaze, cinnamon sticks, and something called "Chinze". > > Over the next few days, she has transformed our one bedroom apartment > into something resembling a country house in Connecticut.  There is > handmade stuff on every flat surface, and if I go near a hand towel, > she snaps at me. > > What's more, the place is now littered with Martha Stewart magazines, > Martha Stewart cookbooks, and Martha Stewart videos. > > The clincher came last night.  I overheard her calling the "Martha > Stewart Hotline" (3.95/minute).  In the course of the conversation, > I distinctly heard her use the word "assimilate".  Now she wants me > to help her make a pinecone wreath AND IT IS FEBRUARY. > > What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, this is easy.  Even you, a mere supplicant, should have thought of } the answer. } } Yes, you'll help her make a pine cone wreath.  And lots of other } projects, too.  But to do that, you'll need TOOLS!  You should start } with the small, portable gizmo that's a combination lathe, milling } machine and drill press.  It takes hardly any space, and can be put } under the TV table when you're not using it, so she can hardly object. } You'll also need a bench grinder and a vise, and a bench to put them } on.  Think small, because you're in an apartment. } } When you bring home an oxy-acetylene torch, she'll start thinking how } there used to be more room in the apartment, and the two of you will go } house hunting.  Don't get anything less than six acres.  Ten or fifty } would be better.  She'll fall in love with the idea of reconstructing } an old house, but you could build a new one instead if you would } rather. Either route is a Real Trip.  Martha will, of course, be there } guiding her in every step, so it's a good idea for you to have your own } plans for your part of your Wonderful Life Together.  Plan on putting } in the World's Best Workshop.  A two-car garage with an attic might be } a good choice here, or perhaps one of those quonset-hut type steel } buildings. } } Get a good John Deere tractor, between 28 and 45 horsepower, with a } bucket on the front, and get a strong full-sized 3/4 ton pickup truck, } preferably with a diesel engine.  You'll wonder how you ever got along } without these marvelous tools. } } When the house is being built or remodeled, have LAN cable installed } along with the other wiring so you can have all your computers talking } to each other. } } As you go on, you'll need to put in stables for the horses, and } probably a riding arena, either open or enclosed, depending upon where } your property is located.  You may think of putting in a pond, if there } wasn't one on the property, but don't try to do it with your tractor! } Hire a man with a bulldozer. } } There's lots of other stuff you can find to do that'll keep you in } control of at least part of your life.  What I've sketched here is only } a start. } } You owe the Oracle, incarnated via Peter Neilson (neilson@pagesz.net) } in North Carolina, some kids and lambs from your farm.  No CAE, no CL.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 5000' feet of dungeon, and not a single interesting monster. *sigh*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5000' feet? As in 5000-feet feet? You just walked through a dungeon } made of 5000 foot-tall feet and you say there's nothing interesting? } } Geez. Role players today. They expect everything to be like the movies. } } What ever happened to "Keep on the Border" and the "Tower of } Inverness?" } } In my day, we had ogres and dragons and rust monsters, and that was it, } and we liked it! If our cleric got ate by a bog beast, we didn't } resurrect him. No! We just searched his dead body for gold and threw it } in the river and that's how we liked it! And we didn't have these } fancy-shmansy swords of plus this and bonus against that. If you had an } arquebus you were powerful! Sure they blew up in your face nine times } out of ten, but the noise scared the critters, and that's how we liked } it! And this "planes" nonsense. We were all limited to one plane and we } were too stupid to realize there were more, but that's how we liked it! } And none of us ever made demi-god! We were lucky if our character } sheets lasted three gaming sessions before getting destroyed by } someone's spilled 7-up! We didn't keep anything on computers! No! We } wrote everything down on paper and played with *real dice* and that's } how we liked it! We were lucky if our computers ran "Hunt the Wumpus" } without crashing! } } And if we all died, which we frequently did because our Dungeon Master } ... that's right! I said Dungeon Master! We didn't have these fruity } foo-foo "Game Masters" in my day! That's how we liked it! } } If we all died because our Dungeon Master got bored and threw Tiamat at } us ... well then ... we would just make up new characters and we'd all } accidentally meet at the Inn. We didn't have no complex plots and these } sissy "story lines!" And that's how we liked it! Hack and slash! } } You owe the Oracle Gary Gygax's home phone number.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay. So I'm dead. So what happens next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My favorite part. } } <cue flickering lights as a screen comes down and the projector begins> } } Here we see young supplicant at the tender age of 2 months. You see } there that your mother is bottle feeding you, perhaps causes for } later mental peculiarities? Hmm, a debate better left to the mortals. } } Ah, here's an interesting part. Potty training. Can everyone in the } back see this? Yes, that's right, the supplicant is confused about } using the potty. Should the supplicant stand? Should the supplicant } sit? No, I'm afraid this one doesn't get answered, it confuses the } supplicant for the remainder of life. Yes, the supplicant uses the } correct lavatory, but thankfully there are doors on the stalls and } nobody learned this secret ... until now! ha ha! } } Ok, here's the first day of school. Notice the small wet spot on the } rear of the supplicant's pants. Yes, nerves. } } Ah, here's a good one! We're now in the first year of secondary school. } The first kiss! Yes! Behind the school, nobody looking, here it comes, } wait, wait, and ... yes! A bucket of dirty water dumped by the janitor } out the window! Right on their heads! } } Here's the supplicant in college. Yes. All alone. If you listen, } you can hear a party across the hall. But alas, our supplicant was } too homely to be invited. Oh, the supplicant put on a good face, } but here you can see plainly ... bawling like a baby. The supplicant } thought nobody would ever find out about that too! Ha ha! } } Oh! First sexual exper... and that's over. } } And here's the supplicant looking at naughty web pages, thinking } nobody was looking ... we were! } } And we have nose picking ... butt scratching ... ahem ... well ... Oh! } Here's the death scene. No, wait, watching, keep watching, keep } watching, and ... ow! Bet that hurt! Never saw that moped coming. } Little old ladies can be so dangerous, can't they? Well, that's the } end of the film, folks.  Hope you enjoyed it. Up next we have a male } australian who died while fishing off ... } } What's that supplicant? } } Heaven? } } No, I'm afraid not. What? Where do you go now? Well, you're still under } at 12 picture contract with our studio, and you've only done three, } so it's reincarnation for you! This time you're going back as a young } man in Des Moines and... oh, only 23 years. I'm afraid there's some } glue huffing and an unfortunate paper bag accident involved, but, } we'll don't want to ruin the end of the next picture, do we? } } Have fun! } } You owe the Oracle a blockbuster!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know if I'm alive or dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you haven't lost your Internet access, that's a start. } Let me ask you a few questions: do you find yourself craving brains? } Do you ever forget to breathe for several hours at a time? Does your } bed have four walls and a lid? Do you find Regis Philbin hilarious? } Are your conversational skills hampered by the fact that all you can } say is "RAGH! BRAINS! RARAGHRAGH!"? When you visit your parents, do } they lock the door and start franticly searching for a monkey's paw? } Have you ever tried to use your death certificate as a piece of primary } identification? Are you (male or female) sexually attracted to Cher? } Do you suspect your fishing buddies invite you along only because } you're a source of cheap bait? Do you keep a deluxe sewing kit with } you at all times in case you start shedding limbs? Do you use "OFF" } as under-arm deodourant? } } If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions,... you're dead. } Or at least undead, which is the way I can think of for a corpse to } be emailing me. } } You owe the Oracle some Spam in a cabin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My grovel's lies are nothing like the Sun's; > Al Gore is far more fun than its words' whine; > If words be food, why then I get the runs; > If verse be dead, I be its Frankenstein. > I have seen queries witty, read and writ, > But no such wit is here, except for half; > And in some madhouse is there some poor git > Who might reward its verses with one laugh. > I hate to hear it too, and well I know, > That flatus sounds more gratifying somehow; > I grant that they both stink, but apropos > My question, when it's asked, and it's asked now, > Is how much wood could woodchucks chuck for sure, > If woodchucks could chuck wood, my kindest Sir?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bunch of us priests were whooping it up in the Oracular shrine; } The Boss was replying to questions in rhyme, and the rhyming was going }    fine; } Right by his side stood sweet Lisa his bride, the Oracle's lady luck, } When through the door strode a figure bold, the supplicant known as }    Chuck. } } There's men that somehow just grip your ears, and hold them hard like a }    spell; } And such was he, and what is more, he recited his poetry well; } With cute rhymes like "whine" and "Frankenstein" he kept us in his }    thrall, } And then he threw in an "apropos" as if 'twere no effort at all. } Transfixed, we sat as we wondered what question from the air he'd pluck } That could match the matchless versifying of the supplicant known as }    Chuck. } } His eyes went rubbering round the room, and he seemed in a kind of }    daze, } As if his muse were drying up under Orrie's unfaltering gaze. } Two guys at the bar - Paul and Ian, I think - made a joke and returned }    to their beers, } While the strangers stood like he'd taken root, a prey to nameless }    fears. } He mopped his brow, he set his jaw, his tongue it came unstuck; } Then he asked how much wood would woodchucks chuck, if woodchucks wood }    could chuck. } } The room fell into a deathly hush as we priests all held our breath; } And the lengthening silence seemed to fill with grim portents of death. } How we wished that we could flee, could flee, from our master's wrath }    far gone; } But the Oracle stood still, stood still, as though he were made of }    stone. } And the stranger turned, and his eyes they burned with a fire like the }    noonday sun; } With his coat unbuttoned and open wide he waited; and we saw his gun. } } Then Orrie's lips twisted in a grin, and he spoke, and his voice was }    calm; } And, "Boys," said he, "you all know me, I'm as gentle as a lamb; } But I want to state - and please get this straight - those who dare to }    say woodchuck } Will get but one answer from the Oracle ... and that's FYYFF!" } } We hit the floor, and the lights went out, and a gun blazed in the }   dark; } Then a woman screamed, and two seconds passed 'fore we saw the telltale }    spark. } The Zot flashed out like a lightning bolt, and we had no doubt where it }    struck: } The exact same spot that was occupied by the supplicant known as Chuck. } } These are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know; } They say that the stranger was a hate-crazed troll, and I'm not denying }    it's so. } But I'm warning you, you'll end up too - were you to chance your luck - } As a heap of ash, which was all that's left of the supplicant known as }    Chuck.