} Yes, supplicant, it is indeed true. Here is a list of the 34 people
} that are the readers and writers of USENET:
} 1. Harold Gertmeyer, 40 year old male. Cruises alt.bondage.personals in
} the serach of a 20-some year old girl to play "Cops" with.
} 2. Peter Zeffel, 15 year old male. Posts message to
} alt.bondage.personals, pretending to be a 20-some year old girl
} interested in handcuffs.
} 3. Neil Browski, 32 year old male. Instigator of all of the pyramid
} get-rich-quick schemes found throughout USENET.
} 4. Jeremy Urep, 28 year old male. Responds to all of the pyramid
} schemes, using many aliases. Neil Browski has earned $60,000+ from him.
} Jeremy doesn't realize he's also been sending money to himself under an
} alias of his own creation.
} 5. Ruth Yowell, 33 year old female. Reads and posts to
} alt.bondage.personals, posing as a 21 year old male into parafin
} 6. Paul Yowell, 31 year old male. Also reads and posts to
} alt.bondage.personals, posing as a 22 year old female into parafin
} candles. Paul is Ruth's brother. They will set up a time to meet each
} other, and discover the horrible truth.
} 7. Capt. Zack Krusco, 39 year old male. Trying to crack down on pyramid
} schemes found on USENET, is currently tracking 17 of Jeremy Urep's
} aliases, with no positive leads.
} 8. Aaron Myles, 20 year old male. Frequents rec.anime.trading, buying,
} selling, and swapping Japanese animation films with the other 2 anime
} fans in America.
} 9. Alan Quincy, 29 year old male. Along with rec.anime.trading, also
} checks alt.anime.nude.sailormoon in the hopes of scoring some new porno
} shots of Queen Beryl.
} 10. Tanya Pleban, 23 year old female. Trades tapes with Aaron and Alan,
} occasional dips into the alt.bondage.personals group as a curiosity.
} 11. Sgt. Willie Fame, 27 year old male. Trying to press charges against
} Harold Gertmeyer. Likes to go to alt.cooking.recipes.
} 12. Regina Waltman, 51 year old female. CEO of Pillsbury Inc., posts to
} alt.cooking.recipes in an attempt to lure in more customers and put
} Betty Crocker out of business.
} 13. Mike Taylorhouse, 20 year old male. Posts brags and flames to
} alt.games.quake, keeps asking for more multiplayer servers to play on.
} 14. Liam Priddy, 43 year old male. In a flamewar with some upstart kid
} in alt.games.quake.
} 15. Rip Saylan, 30 year old male. Has subscribed to only one newsgroup:
} alt.sex.stories. Never posts. Types with one hand.
} 16. Eddie Vanmeyer, 29 year old male. Has subscribed to only one
} newsgroup: alt.sex.pictures. Never posts. Types with one hand.
} 17. Yahara Sikuya, 24 year old male. A super-multi-millionaire. Posts
} the same stories to alt.sex.stories, simply changing the names and
} throwing in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" when needed. Posts the same
} pictures to alt.sex.pictures, simply attaching a different model's head
} to the body. Links to his website posted to the newsgroups provide
} giant money for him.
} 18. Xavier Paulino, 17 year old male. alt.2600 regular, owns a Cap'n
} Crunch whistle. Tells Capt. Zack Krusco he's also a police officer,
} then bleeds info from him for hacking purposes.
} 19. Tina Roose, 26 year old female. Crusader on alt.tv.foreverknight,
} trying desperately to get the show back on the air. She's the only one
} left on the newsgroup.
} 20. Serena Mack, 23 year old female. Once a crusader to get Forever
} Knight back on the air, switched to alt.tv.sliders in 1998.
} 21. Nick Guilara, 25 year old male. Once a crusader for Forever Knight
} and Sliders, now hangs out at alt.tv.familyguy and repeats jokes
} mentioned on the previous night's episode.
} 22. Lieu. Isaac Harris, 34 year old male. Told by Xavier Paulino that
} Sgt. Willie Fame is an internet stalker, and is now persuing the
} sergeant via alt.cooking.recipes.
} 23. Ben Stickler, 13 year old male. Resident genius on comp.linux,
} assists the other 2 Linux users in America.
} 24. Freddy Branch, 30 year old male. Wiped his harddrive of all
} Microsoft products, now trying to install Linux. Asks a 13 year old for
} help on comp.linux.
} 25. Ted Herns, 28 year old male. Occasionally asks 13 year olds for
} help on comp.linux. Also has his sights set on a couple of 20-some year
} olds on alt.bondage.personals.
} 26. Kelli Myer, 19 year old female. Wanner be hacker, whines on
} alt.2600 for some VMB codes. Friends with a cop on alt.cooking.recipes.
} 27. Jenni Squib, 24 year old female. Confused about her sexuality,
} visits alt.lesbian for guidance.
} 28. Berry Guinan, 31 year old male. Attempting to help a confused girl
} on alt.lesbian into experimentation, and into sending him pictures of
} 29. Vica Beroli, 18 year old female. Gothgirl poster to alt.vampyres,
} trying to start a discussion about how death is beautiful. No takers.
} 30. Guy Ferrel, 24 year old male. Attempting to get out of USENET, he
} is using alt.irc to springboard him from newsgroup addiction to chat
} 31. Carl Trone, 28 year old male. Trying to become a contestant on
} Jeopardy!, is posting repeatedly to alt.tv.gameshows in a failing
} attempt to get assistance.
} 32. Michael Leau, 41 year old male. Classic lurker. Posts once or twice
} a year when something on alt.bondage.personals catches his eye.
} 33. Vince Swaggle, 30 year old. Runs a bot that collects e-mail
} addresses, sells them to big companies. Big companies then pay him to
} spam newsgroups with their ads.
} 34. The Oracle, millions of years old. The only sensible one on USENET.
} Answers questions from the masses. Intelligent. Poised. Homebase in
} rec.humor.oracle. On rare occasions, will browse messages on
} You owe the Oracle a decent news client, and maybe the e-mail address
} to the hottie from the bondage personals group.