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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So-so wait a second Orrie, hold on...I'm sorry I'm not getting this, > but it's more complicated than I thought...you're saying that...when > the zebra opens the can of peas...that's the trigger for the flying > monkeys to turn on the water.  So, if that's true, how does the pilot > know which door to use -- and who's got the uranium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, let's start at the beginning. } } 1. Drop a feather. } 2. Molecules stir, causing a huge chaotic chain reaction in the }    atmosphere. Tornado forms. } 3. House is picked up, dropped in Oz. } 4. Witch is crushed by house. Flying monkeys swarm. } 5. House is returned to Kansas, with flying monkeys in tow. } 6. In mid-flight, airplane crashes into house, pilot ejects into living }    room. } 7. House is dropped on power lines in zoo. Zebra cages are opened. }    House catches fire. } 8. Can of peas roll out of pantry. Zebra steps on can, opening it. } 9. Flying monkey pelted with peas, react by screeching and turning on }    firehoses. } 10. Pilot finds two doors, feels them both. He chooses the one that is }    not hot, and escapes. } 11. Zookeeper runs out to address the commotion, falls into large hole. }    Finds uranium chunk. } 12. Pilot trips over the zookeeper as he climbs out of the hole, }    uranium flies through the air. } 13. Water pools, flows to sewers. Uranium is washed down the drain. } } So as you can see, the pilot chooses the door which has no fire behind } it, by feeling for heat. And by deduction, the Teenage Mutant Ninja } Turtles have the uranium. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of The Incredible Machine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most big, who has returned from beyond the pale with some > neat interior decorating tips > > Why is it we persist in calling people who have escaped from prison > escapees? Surely, if they have escaped from prison they are *escapers*, > and the escapees are actually the prison guards, or at the least, the > prison itself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very few English majors work as prison guards.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gigundous Oracle, you are so big that I find you disgusting.  I am not > good at appreciating anything that's better than I am, and you are so > much: >   - smarter >   - bigger >   - better smelling >   - more sanitary >   - honest >   - trustworthy >   - colorful >   - rich >   - hardworking > than I am that I feel sick every time I even think of you.  Why I > bother sending you questions when I dislike you, I've never figured > out. > > Anyway, I've aleays wondered about Superman, and now I wonder even > more.  Remember when he went to change from Clark Kent to Superman in > the first Superman movie?  And he looked at a "modern" phone booth that > wasn't a booth at all, and chose to use a revolvolving door instead? > Well now that everyone has cell phones, the public phone and its booth > are destined for oblivion.  How will Clark Kent effect the change next > time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, he could totally disrobe in public now-a-days and no one would } care. } } But since he wants to keep his identify a secret (this is for tax } reasons by the way) here are places you, opps!, -he- could hide. } {wink,wink} } } + Viewing booth in an X-rated bookstore } } + Carry a card box around and jump in it to change, people }   will just think you're a homeless person. } } + Go under Bill Clinton's desk, even the Secret Service can't }   see what's going on under there. } } + Carry a sign that sez, will dress up like a superhero for }   food. People think it's just your 'routine'. } } + Grab a passing dog, squeeze it with your super strength in a }   manner that will cause the canine to feel a need to defecate }   pretend to be the pet's owner as it does it's doggie stuff... }   -everyone- averts their eyes from that event. } } + Jump into a car, use your super xray eyes to darken the glass, }   change, then flee. Owners will be jazzed to have cool windows }   when they return. } } + Scream "NOOO! THE ALIENS HAVE COME TO FORCE ME TO UNDER GO }   ANOTHER PROBING!!" then leap out of your clothes in a flash }   and zoom off into the stratosphere. This will work real }   well in California, trust me on this one. } } + On the flip side; stomp foot into the ground and yell, "NO, }   SATAN! YOU SAID NOT UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY!" Then crack the ground }   open and fall into the hole, closing it up behind you. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket for speeding on Lois Lane.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10.     A cat peeking sideways from the other side of the refrigerator }         door.  He KNOWS he's not support to get into the beer! } 9.      A giant fish creeping from behind a rock, about to eat the }         biggest, juiciest worm and fish hook it's ever seen. } 8.      Count Dracula in a white tux. } 7.      PacMan as he's being eaten by those pesky ghosties. } 6.      Two parts of a mysterious equation written almost entirely in }         invisible ink. } 5.      The Alps, as seen from Greenland. } 4.      Ant construction signs (what, you thought they didn't work?). } 3.      Madonna from an aerial position. } 2.      Spock as a young child (so his ears stuck out a little!). } } And now for the finale... } } 1.      Two boring, plain old, unimaginative >'s. } } You owe the Oracle a more imaginative spirit on such a dreary day.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most immortal, who has never had to read a health > > Could you please give me a brief summery of the informational > pamphlet, "So You're Going to Die A Horrible, Gruesome Death > In The Next Twelve Hours"? I'm sorta in a hurry...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, actually I -can not- summarize it for you, it's } copy written. Why, if the authorities found you with a bootleg } copy of it you could get sent to jail. But, below is the } table of contents. I'll send Zadoc down to the post office } to mail a copy to you, free of charge. The Oracle is way over } here for you in this time of need. } }     |   |   |                           |  |  | }    -+- -+- -+-   You're about to Die   -+--+--+- }     |   |   |     A Self-help Guide     |  |  | }     |   |   |                           |  |  | } } Intro: Everyone dies. Presidents, goldfish, Queens and tarts. }        It's just you're about to do so in mere hours. And we're }        here to help. We've read up on dying and talked to the }        experts so you don't have to, you simply don't have }        enough time for that.[0] } }        Each Chapter is just two pages long, with pictures even. }        Scan them quickly. There's a good chance your eyesight }        will be going presently. } } Chapter  1: OH MY GOD! Surely this is a mistake! } Chapter  2: Why you shouldn't go on a killing spree } Chapter  3: Why you should call a lawyer FIRST } Chapter  4: Where there's a will, there's angry relatives } Chapter  5: Sympathy Sex & How to Get It } Chapter  6: Saying No to Video Taping } Chapter  7: Three things you can Buy that you can Really Use } Chapter  8: Burn or Bury? It's your Body. } Chapter  9: Religion, Help or Hindrance? } Chapter 10: Time Wasters to Avoid } Chapter 11: Funny Credit Card Tricks } Chapter 12: What to Wear } Chapter 13: Why Death will Not make a Deal with You } } [0] References: }     The Bible, Yahweh and others }     Tibetan Book of the Dead, Bob Yeti }     Egyptian Book of the Dead, Ann Nubis }     American Book of the Dead, Jerry Garcia }     Dying for Dummies, Bob Jones }     My First Book of Death, Jon Benet

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle most wonderful and gracious and all that sort of bullshit. > > what is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * Life is a mission. Every other definition is false and lead all }   who accept it astray. The mission by the way is classified and you }   are not authorized to know what it is about. }                       Guiseppe Maizerynner } } * Life is dumb board game, oh yeah, and a kind of cereal that tastes }   like wet cardboard. }                       Alvin Roge } } * The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity fries. }                       Leo McTolstoy } } * Life is not being dead. Or locked in a closet 24/7. }                       Patrick Hurstz } } * No human being ever learns to live until he has awakened to the }   dormant powers within him. The next step is getting out of bed. }                       James Williams } } * Life is a bowel of chocolates. }                       DeForest Kelley } } * We are all functioning at a small fraction of our capacity to live }   fully in its total meaning of loving, caring, creating and wild }   adventuring. This is because we have to spend so much time at work }   so that we can pay the rent and eat. }                       Herbert Ohno } } * Life is a slick trick used by minerals to get moved around the }   world. }                       Carl Saybillionagain } } * Boys, Life is only a game.  But it's like cards in that you will }   be dealt some bad hands. Take each hand, good or bad, and don't }   whine and complain but play it out. Now deal you little punk or }   fold and get away from the &$^$in' the table. }                       Dwight D Bossman } } * Life is, deal with it. }                       St. Eric of The Obvious

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,should I move to Los Angeles or San Francisco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that really depends on you!  Please complete the following } questionnaire: } } 1)  I intensely dislike : }       a) flat ground. }       b) breathing. }       c) either of those choices. } } 2)  I enjoy immensely : }       a) the chance to see the ocean, but I probably won't, what with }          the fog and the traffic. }       b) the chance to see Hollywood celebrities, but I probably won't, }          what with the constant crowds and traffic. }       c) staying at home and reading, or going out to a movie. } } 3)  I would like to pay this amount for rent : }       a) $1150 for a one-bedroom apartment. }       b) $2250 for a studio apartment. }       c) what are you, nuts?  No one pays that much!  Besides, I want a }          house! } } 4)  What I love in a sunset : }        a) What sunset?  It's too cloudy out to see the sun! }        b) Absolutely stunning colors, but I can hardly tell with this }           damned gas mask in the way. }        c) Just simple beauty. } } 5)  What I love in a region's weather : }        a) A change every five minutes.  Boy, I love being surprised! }        b) A heavy, fog-like substance that gives a sickly yellowish hue }           to everything.  It could be cloudy today; I can't see the sky. }        c) Sunny, with light clouds. } } If you've chosen mostly a, then you should move to San Francisco. } If you've chosen mostly b, then you are a sick, sick person who is } most likely psychotic in every way, and so you should go back home } to Los Angeles.  If you've chosen mostly c, then STAY HOME!! } } You owe the Oracle your moving boxes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Froody, > > Why is it that Petrol stations seem obsessed with giving away free > glasses?  Are they trying to promote drinking and driving? > > Your Servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. } } With the advent of the actually _useful_ electric car just around } the bend, the oil companies have realized that the only other market } besides cars that they could really break into would be beverage } production.  And while sipping a quart of Unleaded may not seem to you } like a very tasty nor intelligent thing to do, the children of the } future will think differently, especially if told by their parents } from this generation that it is terribly, terribly bad for them. } Of course, that means that tomorrow's teens won't live all that long, } but at least we'll be able to bury them in the ground and replenish } all those fossil fuels we've been removing for centuries. } } You owe the Oracle a pint of Exxon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true? Are bears catholic? Does the pope, well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, they are (except the Russian ones who are Orthodox, and Pandas } who are quite clearly Buddhists). No, he used to, but he got fed up } with all the bears. They kept trying to gain an audience while he } was in the middle of, well, you know, ... } } You owe the Oracle an essay entitled "Certainty in modern Roman } Catholic teachings - defecation and the ursine influence", in the } style of A.A.Milne.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Finish the quote: > > "Life is like a box of rockets..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) it's illegal to have fun with in California. } 09) you got to light a fire under its butt or it just sits there. } 08) a bang, some fireworks, then you fall to the ground as spent }     trash. } 07) letting dippy Uncle Steve be in charge of it isn't a good idea. } 06) the safest ones are in the USA, but if you want fun and danger, }     go to Mexico. } 05) the duds are the only ones people remember. } 04) the directions are in Mandarin, the expiration date is unknown }     and the wind seems hell-bent on blowing your matches out. } 03) may seem like a good idea to begin with, but just wait until }     someone get's an eye put out. } 02) a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. } 01) no matter what people say, it's the big ones that attract the }     most 'oohhs' and 'ahhhs'. } } You owe the Oracle a safe and sane suitcase sized hydrogen bomb.