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} 1. Yogi. A mystic. One of great and holy concentrations, capable of
} completely controlling the heart rate, blood pressure, respirations,
} and cash flow of his/her adherents. See also Anna Nicole Smith.
}
} 2. Ostracize. The one cize that fits all.
}
} 3. University. A limited secondary where professionals are instructed
} in pathological lying.
}
} 4. Analytic. From the Latin, 'anal' - of the brain.
} Human thought. Compare:
} Egolytic: human conversation
} Gallolytic: human commerce
} Biliolytic: human discussion
} Podialytic: human speech
} Spleenolytic: an editorial
}
} 5. Ransom. Money paid to a crook for the redemption of a hostage.
} Ransoms are due April 15, or 105 days after the beginning of a
} fiscal year.
}
} 6. Erudite, a three-syllable word restricted to the use of a boob.
}
} 7. Time. The apparent interval between wastes, means, and sorrows.
} Time is divided as follows:
} 1 week = 7 days
} 1 month = 4 weeks
} 1 year = 12 payments
}
} 8. Hollywood. So would Trixie, Liz, Victoria and Susan.
}
} 9. Element. There are four elements left: earth, air, bourbon,
} and water.
}
} 10. Absolute zero. The prospect of magnanimity, on a scale of 1
} to 273.
}
} 11. Verbal. Audible, guttural, overstated.
}
} 12. Ain't. The contraction of 'ain not,' from the language of the
} savage tribe of Aine, of Oolong-Pootong, the members of which society
} are commonly referred to Ainuses. The contraction has no meaning,
} and Ainuses use it when they do not intend to say anything, ...or
} when they do.
}
} 13, Totally committed. Said of those inmates sporting the 3-piece
} straitjackets.
}
} 14. Advice. Any dispensation of misinformation inducing a sense
} of worthiness in oneself and abjection in another.
}
} 15. Rewarding. Remunerative of everything except a living wage.
}
} 16. Orgasm. Disappointment in proportion to expectation. A paroxysm
} of groans.
}
} 17. Fanatic. A misguided infidel who murders in the name of Religion
} rather than in the holy cause of Off-Shore Oil Leases.
}
} 18. Assizes. British seats of law. Official bodies whose domain
} is the privy, or court. In America assizes are Superior and Supreme.
}
} 19. Lockjaw. An insufficiently frequent example of God's grace
} toward ears.
}
} 20. Low-sodium. Of an insipidness prescribed for those who will
} die by being nagged.
}
} 21. Privacy. The fantasy of Republicans. Insufficient exposure
} to gregarians and other pernicious tedia.
}
} 22. Augury. The ancient science of predicting political trends by
} consulting the intestines of a sheep. Currently it is called the
} New Hampshire primary, and entails the gut-reaction of a jackass.
}
} 23. The wages of sin. About $200 an hour.
}
} 24. Holy Land. an area near the Dead Sea, in the Mideast, whose
} monuments are held sacred by Christian, Jew, and Moslem alike.
} These include the Barrels of Arabia, the Pipelines of Persia, and
} the Tankers of Kuwait.
}
} 25. Evil. The evening clothes of foolishness.
}
} 26. Tip of the iceberg. 1/8 of my ex-wife.
}
} 27. Ithyphallic. Pertaining to a hymn to Bacchus, written in
} lines of three trochees, an amphibrach, four tercets, a distich,
} two chancres, and a spirochete.
}
} 28. Cubicle. An office designed in the shape of an executive.
}
} 29. Sauntering. One method by which a wise man makes correct use
} of his feet. The other is by kicking a congressman in the pants.
}
} 30. Omen. A sign from God of an impending obscurity.
}
} 31. Deregulate. To promote the spirit of free competition by
} dividing a large monopoly (i.e....Microsoft) into several smaller
} ones, in order to benefit the public by raising prices and eliminating
} technical support.
}
} 32. Syrup. Stock-in-trade of politicians. It is prepared by boiling
} one-syllable words until they run together.
}
} 33. Ax. To propose a query, in a specialized urban environment.
} Retorts are hackneyed and incoherent.
}
} 34. Narcoleptic. One who dozes while you talk, but for an improper
} reason.
}
} 35. Dicotylyzitofylerazonous. Having two cotylyzitofylerazons.
}
} 36. Natural. Pure; wholesome; healthful, ...inedible.
}
} 37. Elope. A congenitaly blind burrowing animal, sometimes nocturnal
} in its habits. Distinguished from an antelope, a wise being of much
} better vision, and fleeter of foot.
}
} 38. Entertain. To elevate from boredom to disgust.
}
} 39. Dignity. The Tree of Life, cut down by Civilization and bulldozed
} to the Mill of Society, where it is whittled to the Toothpick of
} Despair.
}
} 40. Tone deaf. In accord with popular music.
}
} 41. Oversexed. Addicted to penicilin.
}
} 42. Group therapy. An orgy of confessionals.
}
} 43. Exuberance. A defect of character in those prone to exhibitions
} of salesmanship, fits of social-awareness, or other excesses,
} dissipation, theme parties, pre-theatre suppers, career opportunities,
} and fund-raisers. The foible is correctible by banning brunch
} hostesses and motivation seminars for a period of seven years.
}
} 44. Transsexual. One seeking a second disappointment.
}
} 45. Assist. To increase the factor of incompetency by one.
}
} 46. Larceny. A sturdy fiber of which, according to medical opinion,
} the human heart is more or less composed.
}
} 47. Intuition. The immediate knowing of something unencumbered by
} the process of thought.
}
} 48. Full bore. DMP, on the subject of his penis.
}
} 49. Eyes. The windows of the sold.
}
} These are the answers for the Omnipotent's and Oracle's Exam.
} You'll need to work out for yourself exactly where and how to submit
} it and with whom to apply.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of hangover remedy...stat.
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