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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the fastest way to get to Ohio from Oklahoma.  It's important!!! > I need to get there for my bowl of ginsch!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Hmmm...  I suppose you'd rather not hear something like:  "Turn } yourself into a photon and..." or other such impractical physics drivel. } You want a plan! } }     Fine!  Set fire to your terminal.  Call the police.  Tell them there } is an arsonist in your building.  When they arrive direct them to the } terminal room.  Sneak out and steal their car.  (I will arrange for } stupid policemen to be sent.) Drive to the airport with the siren on. } Remove the shotgun from its mount and use on all toll booths, cabbies } and pedestrians who get in the way.  Aim car at airport terminal and } dive out.  Use the shotgun to rob a local pushcart vendor of a box of } popsicles.  Take said box to airport counter and explain that you have a } frozen heart for transplanting and must be on the next flight to } Oklahoma to save a life.  When you are over your destination, use the } shotgun to shoot open the side of the plane.  The pilot will spiral down } to equalize cabin pressure.  Make a parachute out of the in-flight } blankets, and jump. } }     Bizarre, dangerous, and felonious:  you'll have to admit that it } will get you there fast.  For added realism obtain a real human heart } and put it in the popsicle box.  This will be a slight delay but will } add to the drama of your story. } }     By the way, it's too late.  I ate your bowl of ginshes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Well, maybe I used the wrong sample, flicked the wrong switch, or > applied the wrong voltage, but something went wrong.  Now large > glistening things with leathery wings and heads like an octopus are > entering the lab through the molecular beam epitaxy unit.  They have > eaten three janitors, sacrificed a PDP-11 on an altar of magtapes, and > are now chanting "Dan Quayle!  Dan Quayle".  I am protected by a hastily > drawn pentagram, and only have this terminal, my coffee cup, a Christmas > stocking, three mangoes and a tape measurer.  How do I get out of this > one alive and reasonably intact? > >    Umm...  Please hurry on this one.  The mangoes won't last long and > the critters may soon figure out that the terminal connector passes > through the pentagram.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I remember when I was your age and these things happened to me } too.  But back then, we called it puberty and didn't bother with all } these high falootin' name callin' will-o-wisp terms.  Anyway, about } these leather octupusses in your lab, they are not genetic mutations or } Dan Quayle look alikes.  Nope, they are real enough all right and they } want you to do something for them.  Janitorial diets produce extreme } abdominal discomfort.  Squeeze the mangos until juice poors into your } coffee cup.  Pull the stocking over your head and tie the tape measure } around your neck.  Pull tightly.  Poor the mango juice on your head and } shout "Dan Quayle." (I saw this at a Republican Rally once.) } Congratulations, you are now a leather octopus Dan Quayle supporter. } Anyway, about the leather octopusses.  Give them the rest of the juice } to wash down the janitorial residue and go back to work. } } The real nightmare is not in your lab but the White House. } } You owe the Oracle five squashed mangoes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I got the (Edelweiss) lyrics to "It's a Small (every morning you) > World" out of (Small and) my head, but now I have (clean and bright,) > the lyrics to a stupid (you look happy to meet me) Rodgers and > Hammerstein song stuck there!  What (Edelweiss,) can (Edelweiss) I > (every morning you greet me,) do??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} try: mount /dev/yourbrain /mnt }      cd /mnt }      cd songs/stupid }      rm <name of stupid song> }      cd / }      umount /dev/yourbrain } } That should do it! } } You owe the oracle another stupid UNIX pun.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >      What question are you asked most often?  What question are you > asked least often?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck } wood? } } b) What is the exchange rate of the Azerbaijani groat, expressed in } Punjabi furbles?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle, > >   Even though I have degrees in science and engineering, and have > reached the self-actualized stage of my existence, one small detail > still eludes me: > >   How do those damn tissues follow each other out of the box?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on the brand.  Cheap tissues use peer pressure.  The throw a } lemming into each vat of paper, and it just sort of works out.  Except } sometimes they don't, which is why cheap tissues don't come out of the } box well. } } Expensive tissues, like Kleenex, have tiny delicate invisible steel } girders connecting adjacent tissues.  When you pull one tissue out of } the box, the next one is attached to the girder as well.  When the first } one is all the way out and the girder is stretched as far as it will go, } the tiny delicate explosive bolts in the girder go off, and the girder } whirls into orbit leaving the tissue unharmed. } } You owe the oracle a box of ultra-high-quality tissues.  (The kind that } have little strips of room-temperature superconductors on them)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, i have known of Object oriented programming.  ANd recently > someone came up to me and told me of a new development, Subject oriented > programming.  My question is thus:  Are we going to be having more > programming language types named after sentence structures?  Preposition > oriented programming, for instance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course.  In fact, it's already here.  Prolog, for example, is just } predicate-oriented programming.  Lisp is punctuation-oriented } programming.  And so on. } } The next trend will be programming styles based on aspects of the novel } and the play.  For example:  denouement-oriented programming (only the } results matter), speech-oriented programming (programs written in blank } verse), and so on. } } The Oracle expects to be sent tickets to the opening night of your next } program.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you write me a poem about blonds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twas a blond punster named Dunn, } Who knew bad jokes by the ton. } When asked why this was so, } He responsed, "Oh, don't you know? } They've always said 'Blondes have more pun'!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >      I'd like to travel to Middle Earth.  I've read all of Tolkein and > think that it would be a neat place to visit.   However, my Local AAA > does not have any roadmaps of Middle Earth, or a hotel guide.  Can you > give me directions and suggestions of what to do/see while I am there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having read the master's works, of course, you can lay your hands on the } maps in the book.  Also, the related TSR game has a large map. } Unfortunately, they took some liberties with the layout of the place, so } use that only as a rough guide. } } As for what to do, that depends on your exact interests.  As I enjoy the } pastoral life, I enjoy walking the hills and pastures of the Shire. } Just relaxing and watching the clouds go by is a good vacation for me. } } Of course, the new amusement park on the shores of Long Lake is a big } draw, what with their new Smaug roller-coaster and all.  Next month they } should be opening their 9-rings loop coaster.  If you happen to be there } for the anniversary of the ruling-ring destruction, be sure to catch } Gandalf's fireworks display. } } I've heard the skiing is great in the misty mountains, but I do not ski. } } Those who enjoy the congeniality of pubs will find much to sate them. } The Thursday night tall-tale contests down at the Balrog Inn at } Rivendell rival those at Callahan's. } } You owe the Oracle a Mithril belt buckle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was driving along the other day when 4 elephants carrying sacks of > mangoes materialised in front of me.  But then, all of a sudden, there > was a blinding flash, and the elephants stood there TOTALLY UNCHANGED, > AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.  Please explain the blinding flash oh great > one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This was clearly meant to be one of God's great Miracles.  The trouble } is, what with the events in the Eastern Block, and the various trouble } spots in Africa and South America, he is feeling somewhat worn down of } late; indeeed you could say he has temporarily lost his 'zap'.  I } believe what was meant to happen was that the elephants were meant to } trample the mangoes into a soft, squidgy consistency and then make a } killing in the chuckney markets.  The interpretation of this is that God } is a free market economist, and as such you should be wary of any } elephants carrying fruit; you may get trodden on.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to make fast money ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Breed it for stronger legs and threaten to light it on fire.  Ha ha ha } ha ha. } } The Oracle is pulling your leg.  (That's a figure of speech.  The Oracle } is not really pulling your leg.  But if you want an answer the Oracle } suggests that you laugh at the Oracle's jokes once in a while.  The } Oracle has feelings, too, you know.) } } These things vary from person to person, of course.  Let the Oracle } consult your stars and see what the best way for you to make money } quickly is...  well, your stars are arguing among themselves as usual, } so the Oracle will have to look elsewhere.  This looks promising:  "1001 } answers to commonly asked Oracle questions".  Yup, here it is. } } The best way to make lots of money quickly is to become the national } government.  And once you're there, it's perfectly legal, too! } } You owe the Oracle a 100-dollar bill with the Oracle's picture on it } once you assume control of the government.