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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Highly esteemed Oracle, nothing is of greater significance or > importance than you! > > If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does a banana a > day do? Or a good pair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A banana a day drives the women wild, while a good pair will do the } same for men. } } You owe the Oracle less apples, more melons.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> raclemostwisewhoknowshowtotelekineticallytypemykeyboardseemstohavelostal > lthekeysbesidestheletterswhatshouldido

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle observes that prices for new keyboards range from } $45 (deluxe models) to $2 (economy models). But perhaps you've grown } attached to your keyboard (a la SuperGlue) and would prefer not to } replace it. In that case you'll have to persue replacement keys. You } probably already have more than you realize; for instance, check your } pocket for a home key. You can continue your search outdoors: } } * Start by visiting some of the pubs in Cape Kennedy. There you can fix }   your biggest problem: spaces between words. (Get it? "Space Bar"?) } } * Watch any politician long enough to catch a speech both before and }   after a public opinion poll has been taken. Be careful, because }   this much shift can give you whiplash. } } * Go to your dentist and ask for some of the glue used to keep tooth }   caps in place. I've found Caps Glue to be almost as useful as the }   Caps Lock. } } * For a quote, visit your local library. You should find a variety }   of quotes from Mark Twain, Dr. Seuss, Charles Dickens, R. L. Stein, }   Stephen King, and literally dozens of other "famous writers." } } * For a question mark, send E-mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the }   subject line "askme." You'll have a question within a few minutes. }   Repeat until you get a question from Mark. } } * A sporting goods store can be a fine place to get a slash. You can }   also pick up a supply of bullets; while these don't go directly on }   your keyboard, you're sure to need a supply of them. } } * For a colen, visit your local hospital. For a semicolen, look for }   ulcer patients. } } And so on. I'm sure you can figure out how to get an Escape key } (watch a prison movie), an Alt key (San Francisco), etc. Unfortunately, } the only way to get the F-keys is to visit France. And by the way, } the French don't know what the F-keys are good for either. } } You owe the Oracle a new mouse and mousepad. Damn this thing!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hated, *hated*, *HATED*, that answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, then you shouldn't have asked who was going to win. } } Top 10 Reasons Greg Will Survive } 10. Show tunes are better than cards on a rainy night }  9. The love shack method of alliance building }  8. Able to get outside help on coconut phone }  7. With Ivy League education can tell the difference }     between a knife and a can opener }  6. Ability to commune with nature will allow him to }     rally large lizards around him in final immunity }     challenge }  5. Learned a valuable lesson from Gervase on how to }     get someone else to take the fall for your actions }  4. Late night study sessions of Machiavelli, Nietzsche }     and Sun Tzu finally pay off }  3. Complex name will force Susan to vote Rude off the }     island instead of embarrassing herself by mispelling }     Grrag }  2. Sean's sexual confusion after being hit on by Richard }     will cause him to fixate on Greg } } and } }  1. Proficiency with short sword and shield will pay off }     in final death match } } You owe the Oracle the original 936 hours of footage.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't say.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear omnipetant, all knowing, wise one, I really suck at mathematics, > but I seriously need to pass a test so I can continue my education, > I study like a dog, But I still have problems, Do you have any advice > for me, great illustrious one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A dog? } } The Oracle likes dogs, and cats, yes, yes cat people The Oracle } likes them too!, but well gentle supplicant you need to start } thinking more along the lines of studying like a human. } } Here look at these examples: } } Intro to Astronomy Class midterm approaches: } }   Dog: howl at moon } Human: Memorize mnemonics to HR-diagram, learn Kepler's laws, }        know your altazimuth system from your black hole/ }        radiation background }   Cat: Stay out all night fighting and mating } } Geology test: } }   Dog: bury odd objects in yard } Human: stalagTIGHT hangs from ceiling, stalagMIGHT tries with }        all its might to reach ceiling, Tertiary Igneous Activity }        goes with the Central Granite, Mesozoic Sedimentary }        goes with fossils, write compare contrast notes.. }   Cat: bury poop } } Ancient History final: } }   Dog: Try and remember what they just ate } Human: make venns of Carthage & Rome, Assyria and }        Sumeria, Egypt and Greece to start with then }        reshuffle names and start over }   Cat: Never forgive the humans for that time they }        tried to give you a bath } } Math quiz: (take heed supplicant!) } }   Dog: Bark X number of times until told to shut up. } Human: Please Excuse my dead aunt smelling, be able to }        plot any equation, know your slide rule }   Cat: number of times petted is always x - 1 of }        optimum times } } CS 101: } }   Dog: cock head to one side and look puzzled every time }        your hear the cd-rom drawer open } Human: write own equivalents of basic UNIX tools }        grep, ls, who in perl, master vi, know }        awk and when to use sed instead }   Cat: jump up and try and lay on keyboard at crucial }        point in Quake 3 team DM losing your master that }        one killer frag that costs his team the level } } You owe the Oracle a mongoose. And send me one more mongoose } while your at it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does my E-mail go before it reaches you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The Oracle is on a huge steel catwalk above a crowded factory }   floor, below him countless men and women are scurrying purposefully }   about huge noisy machinery. The Oracle is wearing a yellow hard hat, }   a dark blue jump suit and steel toed boots. He has to yell to be }   heard above the noise of the work that is beneath him. ] } } Orrie: This where questions from the queue end up! Below me each }        and every askme, each and every tellme is being pre-sorted by }        machines then hand sorted by trained graduates of P.U.! }        Each message has its wit weighted, mirth measured and glee }        graded along with a precautionary scanning for explosive }        devices, injokes and lice! Here, let me show you something }        we are quite proud of! } } [ The Oracle walks over to a huge churning vat of a machine that }   is tended by two grim men and a hippie. ] } } Orrie: Ever wonder what happens to the gazillons of ascii char- }        acters in all the headers of all the emails we get here }        each day? Well, few corporations do this, they just throw }        those ascii characters into /dev/null thinking nothing of }        it! Not so here! We are proud to say we recycle all those }        ascii characters making useful drop shadows for web pages }        through out this fine `Net of ours! } } [ The Oracle nods at the two men and gives a thumbs up to the }   hippie who flashes the Oracle a peace sign. ] } } Oracle: Oh sure it's a lot of work. But damn it, We Care About }         the Internet! } } [ The factory suddenly falls silent. The workers all look up at }   the Oracle and start humming softly.] } } Oracle: It's only when we all work together that we can make the }         Web a place we'll be proud to leave to somebody else's }         children. } } [ A skylight above the Oracle opens and sunlight bursts in as }   a flock of doves and more than a few rather ratty looking }   seagulls fly up and out of the factory into the blue sky above. }   The workers all burst into song! ] } } All: We are the Internet! }      We work for Orrie! }      And we're making this a better `Net for you to play in! } } [ Camera pulls away rapidly to show the entire world! ] } } Oracle: The Internet Oracle is proud to be a Netizen. }         And we couldn't have done it without you. }         Good Night Austin Texas wherever you are!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What newspaper headlines would cause the most panic in the world's > population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten Newspaper Headlines That Would Cause The Greatest Panic The } World Has Ever Known } } 10. Giant squid buys CBS network for undisclosed figure; changes format }     to 24-7 Kathy Lee G. } }  9. National Enquirer reporters discovered to be bizarre aliens from }     the planet Grygglspx. } }  8. As If. } }  7. Exciting New Cure For Rectal Cancer: Live Gerbils! } }  6. Madonna Discovered To Be Source Of Mysterious New Strain Of Herpes. } }  5. Genetically altered vegetables now capable of rudimentary speech. } }  4. George W. Bush Re-elected for record fourth term. } }  3. Happy Fun Meteor Streaking Toward Earth Ball (translated from the }     original Japanese). } }  2. New advances in biotechnology allow anyone to look like comedian }     Carrottop. } }  1. J. K. Rowling's 87th Harry Potter book due in stores by September: }     "Harry Potter and the Ponderous Pedophiliac."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise of all entities. > This morning I found a vial of liquid. While I was careful not to > ingest any, I did open the vial and take a whiff. It was farmquot > flatsgnarl fremington fwentest facetly fwez. Fwint furder fopplenent > fontergen fwepple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Welcome to the new Microsoft Poison Control Center. Your satisfaction } is very important to us, so your call may be monitored by a member of } our management who has better things to do with his time than listen in } on support calls, but he's salaried and really doesn't give a flying } squid. } } "If you know the five-digit poison code of the poison you've ingested, } press '1.' If you're not sure which five-digit poison code I'm talking } about, press '2' for a 25-minute recording detailing the location of } the poison code, the URL of the website explaining what store locations } will provide you with a handy 78-page pamphlet containing most of the } five-digit poison codes, and a short history of poison codes in } general. If you think you've already expired, press '3.' If you enjoy } pressing telephone buttons, press '4' repeatedly. To find out what the } cafeteria at the Redmond campus is serving today, press '5.' Herpes } sufferers may experience side effects from the use of the Microsoft } Poison Control Center. If you think this may be the case, press '6' and } you will be transferred to a herpes-compliant messaging system. Do you } feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? Then, press '7.' At any time during } this session, press '9' to hear this menu repeat, not that you'd want } to or anything. Pressing '0' will not connect you to an operator. } Cutbacks, you know." } } <1> } } "Please enter your five-digit poison code now." } } <72530> } } "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again." } } <90120> } } "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again." } } <OU812> } } "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again." } } <26719> } } "That five-digit poison code is in our database, but we don't think } there's anything you'll be able to do to correct the problem. You may } try rebooting your telephone and trying this call again." } } <8> } } "Did you see an '8' anywhere on the menu? Just for that, I'll repeat it } for you. Geez, you stupid phone users. Ahem. If you know the five-digit } poison code of the poison you've ingested, press '1.' If you're not } sure which five-digit poison code I'm talking about, press '2' for a } 25-minu..." } } <click> } } You owe the Oracle a little 38202 to make this all go away.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most clear of water, > have you ever seen the rain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I bet you wanna know, don't you O fortunate son? } } I was born on the bayou where it used to rain a great deal.  As I grew } older, I hung out down on the corner where my travelling band played. } When it rained, my friends would stay and listen to us play.  Even when } a bad moon was rising, Proud Mary, Susie Q... They all saw the rain.... } In fact, one time they said to me, "Hey tonight, let's cause a } commotion and go see the rain down on Green River!".  As we were going } there, I looked out my back door and realized we'd have to run through } the jungle as long as I could see the light.  Not a good idea. } } Anyway, to answer your question...  It doesn't matter whether or not } I've seen the rain.  What you really need to ask is, "Who'll stop the } rain?" } } You owe the Oracle the definition of a Lodi.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  __________________________________________________ >  Do You Yahoo!? >  Get Yahoo! Mail M-q Free email you can access from anywhere! >  http://mail.yahoo.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You realize, of course, that when you allow your webmail sig to do your } talking for you, you're bound to get yourself into a whole mess of } trouble. As a helpful caveat, I'd like to share a few examples I've } come across in my many years answering questions for the masses. } -=====- } } Subject: Answer #Qg12345, the Oracle politely requests an answer to }          associate with this well-thought-out question. }    Date: Wed, 11 Sep 1969 19:12:32 -0500 (EST) }    From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> } } The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > Oh, man, I just took some blue pills and now I'm coughing } > up blood. What should I do?! } > } > __________________________________________________ } > Do You Narc on your fellow hippies, man? } > Get PigMail M-q Free email you can rat out your high school } > classmates with!      http://www.pigmail.com/ } -=====- } } Subject: Answer #Qu20i4c, the Oracle wants an answer to this }          question. Now! }    Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1978 01:21:01 -0500 (EST) }    From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> } } The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > I've been beating the hell out of my submissive for hours } > now, and he keeps saying the word "fluffybuns" in a strained } > manner. Was this our safe word? } > } > __________________________________________________ } > Do You Want To Buy A Duck? } > Get CowMail M-q Free email you can impress your nearest } > neighbor, three miles away, with.  http://www.cowmail.com/ } -=====- } } Subject: Answer #QQQQqQQ, the Oracle would be down with an }          answer to get jiggy with this question. }    Date: Sat, 2 May 1988 08:26:09 -0500 (EST) }    From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> } } The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > My giant squid's got herpes. } > } > Is there a cure? } > } > __________________________________________________ } > Do You Believe This Guy? What A Maroon! } > Get SarcastiMail M-q Free email with an edge. } > http://www.sarcastimail.com/biteme } } You owe the Oracle a clever parody of "Match Game PM."