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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most resilient and adamant, > > What is in your wallet right now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see now... } } Twelve dollars, crumpled, } Eleven women's numbers, } Ten old business cards, } Nine picts of Lisa, } Eight "lost" queries, } Seven quarters, tarnished, } Six day-old answers, } Five Wayward Priests, } Four forms of I.D., } Three charge cards, } Two movie passes, } And a file in a dev/null tree. } } You don't owe the Oracle a thing.  I've been meaning to clean that out } since Christmas, apparently.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, answer a question that's been plaguing me for a while. It's now > 12:42am, EST. Is there only one other denizen of the Oracle turf at the > moment, and if so, are we going to end up trading tellmes and askmes > for the rest of the night and slowly get to know each other through > them, like one of those foreign "human condition" films?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, now THAT's an idea!  Only lose the foreign film angle, we need } something more marketable, like a romantic comedy... } } The Oracle Replies } A true story of love in unexpected places. } Starring Meg Ryan as the Supplicant and Tom Hanks as the Incarnation... } } (SCENE: Inside a dark computer lab.  The Supplicant, an attractive } college girl in unwashed jeans and a T-shirt sits hunched over a } keyboard, typing furiously.) } } SUPPLICANT: (muttering to herself as she types for the benefit of } illiterate audience members)  Oh Oracle most wonderfully wise and } comforting, whom I love more than life itself...  Can we finally meet } each other, in person, tonight? } } (In a Manhattan high-rise apartment, a well-dressed businessman, the } Incarnation, leans back and stares at his PC.) } } INCARNATION: (reading) The Oracle requres an answer... (opens file) Ah! } (quickly starts typing a reply) Yes, of course.  Please, tell me where } you live, and I'll meet you there, my love. } } (Back in the computer lab, the Supplicant's eyes widen with delight.) } } SUPPLICANT: The Oracle replies! (reads message, begins typing) Yes, } dear, I live in Apartment XX at XXXX Suchandsuch Street. I'll be } waiting for you. Oh, I can't wait to put my arms around you and hold } you tight... (sends message) } } (Meanwhile, across town, a Flea-Ridden Bum, played by Adam Sandler, has } broken into a computer store and is playing with one of the laptops.) } } BUM: Hey, check out this danged Oracle thing... Ooh, I think I'll send } an askme... (his e-mail program flashes) Hey, The Oracle requires an } answer! (opens it, stares)  All right!  (runs out the door) } } Okay, okay, so maybe the Internet Oracle isn't the best medium to hold } an online romance on... } } You owe the Oracle a more anonymous method of communication.  If you } look anything like Meg Ryan, that is.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did they vote off Gretchen last week? She rocks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not watch stupid reality-based TV on CBS.  Why? } } Because he's too busy producing his own! } } BIG ORACLE } } Fifteen attractive young priests must live together in one temple } located somewhere in Indiana; each must avoid getting ZOTed into } radioactive ash by the Big Oracle!  (None of that wussy democratic } stuff here.)  The sole survivor at the end receives the title of } Oracular Chief Priest and $5.00! } } In tomorrow's episode... } } It's been a grueling time for our priestly family.  Now we're done to } the last two participants, Steve Kinzler and Zadoc!  Each is having a } private conversation with the Big Oracle's cameras right now, pleading } for their survival... } } STEVE:  Hey, c'mon, Orrie!  You know everyone likes me better!  Didn't } I get you this temple in the first place?  Didn't I set up all your } communications systems and everything?  Didn't I create the whole } Priesthood, and post your wisdom onto the Internet, and basically run } the whole show for you here?  And if you think you can just ZOT me for } some fictional in-joke character, you're wrong, OK?  People won't stand } for it.  This whole thing will fall apart without me, you know that. } } ZADOC: Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please don't ZOT me } oh please oh please oh please oh wise and great and wonderful Oracle } I'll do anything you want I'm your most loyal in-joke oh please oh } please oh please... } } BIG ORACLE (booming over the loudspeakers): Steve, you have a good } point, but I like Zadoc's groveling better.  Plus, he's a fictional } character and so requires no food, water, or rest.  And, of course, my } gigantic narcissism prevents me from playing second fiddle to anybody, } least of all some human who claims to be my creator.  It's been fun, } Steve, but... } } ZOT! } } All right, Zadoc, you're officially Chief Priest now, and here's the } five bucks... } } ZADOC: Oh thank you thank you thank you, master, thank you... } } That's enough bootlicking, Zadoc, now why don't you go and take over } the Oracle computer systems from Steve? } } ZADOC: Um... I don't exactly know how, oh wise and powerful master.  I } thought you did. } } Uh-oh. } } You owe the Oracle a state-of-the-art molecular reassembler, pronto. } Or a really good sysop, whichever is easier to find.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and patient, whose long-suffering with us humans is > reknown through the quadrant, please tell me, > > Why are so many of your incarnations embittered and beligerent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you get an answer you don't care for then wait a week and send } it in again. Complaining here does nothing constructive. } } If the answer you get the second time does not in any way, shape } or form amuse you then wait a year and then resubmit it again. } } If the answer you get the third time doesn't have you rolling } on the floor with laugher, clutching your sides gasping for } breathe between thunderous guffaws, then please wait one decade } and then resubmit once more. } } If that answer still is not the funniest thing you've ever read } in any language, on any continent, at any time of the day or } night then we'll refund your original tribute back to you with } NO QUESTIONS ASKED! } } You the Oracle an interest free loan of $10,000 payable at the } end of ten years.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a great white shark with eczema and a > multicolored plastic beach ball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sally's first and last trip to the beach culminated with a question } that would haunt Bobby's dreams for the rest of his life.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, tell me.... > >   What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DMV Clerk: } Next! } } DMV Applicant: } Yes, I would like to renew my license. } } DMV Clerk: } Application? } } DMV Applicant: } Right here. } } DMV Clerk: } You left the "Hair" box blank. } } DMV Applicant: } That's because my head is blank. } } DMV Clerk: } Excuse me? } } DMV Applicant: } Well you can see that I'm bald, can't you? } } DMV Clerk: } Let's not get rude sir. What color is your hair? } } DMV Applicant: } Let's see... um... I don't know BECAUSE I'M BALD! } } DMV Clerk: } Calm down sir. I can see you're bald. What color was your hair BEFORE } you went bald. } } DMV Applicant: } Green. } } DMV Clerk: } Green? } } DMV Applicant: } Yes. Green. I went through a punk phase. } } DMV Clerk: } *sigh* Ok, what color was it before it was green? } } DMV Applicant: } Blue. } } DMV Clerk: } Blue? } } DMV Applicant: } Blue, yes. Same phase. } } DMV Clerk: } Before THAT? } } DMV Applicant: } Pink. Anime phase. } } DMV Clerk: } And before that?! } } DMV Applicant: } Black. } } DMV Clerk: } You're sure now? } } DMV Applicant: } Oh yes, quite sure. Definitely black. } } DMV Clerk: } Fine, I'll just mark down "black" here in... } } DMV Applicant: } But that's because I dyed it and jerry-curled it. } } DMV Clerk: } What?! } } DMV Applicant: } Well, it was the 80's. Everyone wanted to be Michael Jackson. } } DMV Clerk: } Let's try this again. What color was your hair in your high school } yearbook photo? } } DMV Applicant: } What year? } } DMV Clerk: } AARG! What color was your hair when you were born? } } DMV Applicant: } I didn't have hair when I was born. } } DMV Clerk: } On your first birthday? } } DMV Applicant: } Oh, right then. Brown. } } DMV Clerk: } Your natural hair color is brown? } } DMV Applicant: } No, it was brown because... } } DMV Clerk: } Nevermind. I don't want to know. What is your natural hair color? } } DMV Applicant: } Um... you know, I've plum forgotten. } } DMV Clerk: } We'll just put "bald" down then, shall we? } } DMV Applicant: } Very Good. } } You owe the Oracle a "Yes, please" option under "sex."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  How about here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, take a step back... } } No, a little further back -- I want to get both you and the canyon in } the shot. Back, back, just a bit further. This is the last picture on } the roll, and I don't want to waste it. OK, take a step to the left. } No, sorry, I meant my left. Right, good. No, I meant 'correct', not } right. Go back to the left. You were blocking the sign. Yeah, that's } better. Now just take two more steps back, and... } } <Click> } } Excellent. The expression on your face as you fell off the edge will be } perfect on my Christmas cards this year.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As they do in the military, to show respect with a formal prescribed > gesture such as raising the hand to the forehead, I salute you! > > Will Bill Clinton get to bomb one more third world nation before his > term is up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, }    This question is not as strait forward as you believe it is. For the } ability for Clinton to bomb third world countries is not dependant } on the availability of third world countries suitable for bombing, } but is rather dependant upon the availability of chunky female interns. }    You see without these female interns our dear president is unable to } divert attention from his master plan of building a new American } Empire. }    So you see, Mr. Clinton's plan to extend America's greatness far } into the future (by aquiring desease infested banana republics) } actually hinges on the willingness of patriotic american youths to } involve themselves with him romantically.  If you are a chunky female } intern, or are merely willing to play one on T.V., you can influence } the answer to your own question and secure America's future. } } You owe the Oracle one article of clothing with an unidentified stain.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bit backlogged, are we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some questions are too personal, DON'T YOU THINK?!! } } NOW CLOSE THE DOOR AND GET OUTTA HERE! } } <grumble,grumble> } } Make yourself available to answer their questions and after a } millennium or two they think they're part of the family!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is your modem baudy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Super funky back beat, BASS to the max! ] } } Download! Get Down! Download! Get Down! } } I be downloadin' porn from evening til morn } My mouse it be shiny and my keyboard is worn } } I the naughty modem lord, downloadin' them naughty bits, } Giga bytes all nights of hiney and tits } } My modem is baudy as it stims my brain `n my body } it's lights wink at me as it uplinks real naughty } } Download! Get Down! Download! Get Down! } } [ Music stops. ] } } Orrie: Well? } } Lisa: That will go down as the single worse song }       you've ever written. } } Orrie: You just want me to take that Hong Kong }        futures trading job. } } [ Lisa touches the tip of her nose and then }   points at the Oracle. ]