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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Who Has Never Ending Frequent Flier Miles > > What should I do if I am ever on a plane and it is going down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go down too, I mean like you don't really have a lot of } choice in the matter. } } Okay, Okay, since you asked. } }  -__\_ -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_ }     /     /      /      /      /      /      / } }    Ten Things to Do as Your Plane Goes Down } }  -__\_ -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_  -__\_ }     /     /      /      /      /      /      / } } 10) Call up someplace really far away on your cell phone } 09) Demand another bag of complementary peanuts } 08) Tear open your shirt then announce, "Ah heck, }     I left my super hero costume at the cleaners!" } 07) Write on your arm with a pen, "We were attacked }     by an alien space ship." } 06) Stand up and shout, "Surprise! You're all on }     Candid Camera!" } 05) Pray to all known gods real fast. } 04) Wonder why people say to always wear clean under- }     wear because you never know when you'll be in an }     accident, because you -were- wearing clean under- }     wear up until you realized you were about to die }     rendering the whole clean underwear idea irrelevant. } 03) Scream out, "Last one to the Pearly Gates is a }     rotten egg!" } 02) Scream out, "Make that, last one to plunge into the }     pit of eternal flaming damnation is a rotten egg!" } 01) Just plain old scream. } } You owe the Oracle your frequent flyer miles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most pleasing to read due to your mature outlook Oracle, > > Why is a pool table called a pool table? It has nothing, as > far as I can tell, to do with a pool.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! Aren't you the perceptive one? I'll bet you've also noticed that } cricket has nothing to do with crickets, boxing has nothing to do with } boxes, fencing has nothing to do with fences, rugby has nothing to do } with rugs and bowling has nothing to do with homes for goldfish. And no } doubt your expertise extends to knowing that you don't have to be drunk } to play tiddlywinks or angry to indulge in either lacrosse or rowing, } that tennis is played by two or four people but never ten, that curling } is not played by hairdressers armed with tongs, and that nobody has to } eat bad mints for badminton, get sat on by an elephant for squash or } read a crappy novel by a guy called Jeffrey for archery. And then } you'll go on to point out that the marathon does not in any way involve } the annihilation of an invading Persian army by the allied forces of } Athens and Plataea, of whom the latter got scant credit for the } victory, in your opinion. You must be ever so popular at cocktail } parties. } } You owe the Oracle a right side to his bed, so he can get out of it on } a Monday morning.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and well-buffed Oracle, whose Z39.50 portal glows softly in > the moonlight, please tell me... > > I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored. Tired of it. Sick of it. In brief... > bored. Been bored so long, enui looks like up to me. > > So what should I do to liven things up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, before I answer your question, let the Oracle tell you how times } have changed: } } Once upon a time I'd get questions from people concerned with the world } around them, such as how to get world peace and how to feed the hungry. } Now I have to answer questions like, "I"m bored, what do I do" and "I'm } in big trouble if I can't get the stain out of that blue dress.  What } gets out body fluids?".  *Sigh*  The joy that is humanity. } } So, having said that, I will tell you exactly how to liven up your drab } existence within the resources available to you (which isn't much, } considering your non-omnipotent status).  But you asked. } } Flash back with me to the summer of 1991.  You and your wife were } having a conversation, and you said, "Honey, your birthday is coming } up.  What would you like as a present?" } } "Oh, nothing dear. Having your love is all I'll ever need.  Please } don't bother." } } Now, go forward with me a couple of weeks, July 14 to be exact (your } wife's birthday).  It's 10:00pm and you are on the couch, pillow under } your head, one of the kids' STAR WARS sleeping bags on top of you. } } "But honey, you said you didn't WANT anything for your birthday!!", you } yell as you hear the slamming of the bedroom door. } } Now, go forward with me to last week, as she and you were car shopping. } She told you you should go for the affordable, sensible 1976 Gremlin, } while you had your eye on the $50,000 red sports car.  And she told you } that they day you come home in that will be the day she ties you to the } bumper and drags you behind it doing 120mph, stopping only to pour } rubbing alcohol in the fresh wounds.  Well, it's the same thing as the } "Ice Summer of '91", and you don't want to let history repeat itself. } So leave work right now, go down to the dealership and buy the sports } car for the woman you call "Shmoopy".  She'll be so surprised, I can } guarantee you things'll liven up. } } Oh yeah, don't forget to tell her how you were thoughtful enough to get } the extended warranty and "rust protection". } } You owe the Oracle a tub of popcorn and front row seats for what } promises to be "the biggest thrill ride of the summer"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and politically correct Oracle: > > Have all the airlines instituted a plot against us regarding lost > luggage and why is it that no matter who I fly my bags always seem > to end up in Bum F*** Egypt rather than Chicago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It isn't actually the airlines plotting against you, but the luggage. } What American Tourister and Samsonite don't tell you is luggage is } harvested, not manufactured. New colors and styles are determined by } experimental cross-pollination techniques and Montana is just full of } these large, secret, baggage farms. Most of these Montana ranches are } still free range and many a passerby has caught a glimse of a young } valise or cosmetic case grazing along the highways. Once they reach } maturity, the bags become extremely lethargic, and to most seem } inanimate for many years. However, at the end of their life cycle, } usually triggered by an airport x-ray or baggage checker, they are } suddenly compelled to begin a journey that will ultimately end in that } area of Egypt many know as the Suitcase Graveyard, where anthropolists } have uncovered centuries of deceased luggage carcasses. } } You owe the Oracle a new garment bag.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > If knowledge is power, what is ignorance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Horsepower.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you keep a rhino from charging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Reverse the polarity of his terminals. } } You owe the Oracle a new 12V car rhino.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and perfect Oracle, you are increasing in your perfection every > day.  You are an expert at the impossible tasks the rest of us take for > granite as useless to try, or even dismiss as a pile of schist. > > What I need to know is about clastics.  I had not heard of them until > yesterday, and I'm sure they'll be on tomorrow's geology exam.  What > are they, and what do I need to know about them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's fortunate that you should have asked me that one, my young } apprentice.  Of quartz clastics are going to be in the exam.  Looks } like you're going to have to work allanite long to galena nuff } information to even understand the question let alone anthorite. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for that lithp I jutht developed.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, Beacon of Reason, Master of Radians, Bacon of > the 1st Degree, Rad Dude, and Stompin' Rodeo Star, > > What do cows think of F-16 fighter jets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They find them a bit cramped, and prefer to fly the A-10 Warthogs. } We have to use genetically engineered chickens in the F-16s. } } You owe the Oracle some human pilots for his Air Force.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows no Media boundaries: > > Do Enquiring Minds want to know and what gossip have you got for me > tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) Hillary Clinton has a tattoo of Phil Slivers on the }     inside of her left thigh } } 09) JRR Tolkien was buried in a dress } } 08) The reason the Russians can't bring that downed }     nuclear submarine up is that the leaking radiation }     has transformed the crew's corpses into bright green }     glowing mutant flesh eating zombies that that are }     roving the sea floor killing all that they find. }     The Ruskies are fending the zombies off from The }     Mother Land with conventional weapons and herding }     the undead marauders northward towards an unsuspecting }     Santa Claus. } } 07) Perrier Water was originally called Derriere Water } } 06) The Taco Bell Chihuahua dog has developed a nasty }     cocaine habit and recently chewed the panty hose }     right off of Gloria Estephan at a bar in Miami }     causing quite a scene } } 05) Pope John Paul II plays a totally kick-ass game of }     Quake III Arena ruling any server he logs on to, }     he uses the Ariel skin & the name of "10 foot Pole" } } 04) There is no North Dakota, if you drive to areas }     marked North Dakota on maps you'll find a huge }     hole big enough to drop France into, which isn't }     really such a bad idea if you think about it } } 03) Brad Pitt is still a virgin } } 02) Benazir Bhutto has sent in more questions to The }     Internet Oracle than any other living female } } 01) Philip K. Dick isn't really dead

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle, > Why do fast food chains sell hamburgers but not hot dogs, and Sports > Stadiums hot dogs but not hamburgers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, they are, but it's more a question of turnover. Fast food } restaurants serve hundreds of hamburger patties a day where they take } the patty from the freezer to the grill to your tray within seconds. } The poor little guys never even have a chance. } } Stadiums on the other hand have a more nurturing environment for the } hot-dog growth process. Their concession stands are located in dark, } humid areas which naturally stimulate the overabundance of growth } hormones still present in the hamburger meat. } } Surely, you've noticed that a hamburger is made of thin, stringy bits } of twisty meat right? Give those bits the chance to really grow, say in } one of those nifty steamers during a mid-week series, and you'll see } them eventually evolve into hundreds of franks, wieners, half-smokes, } and eventually the noble kielbasa, just in time for the weekend double } header! } } Some folks prefer them grilled to make sure they're dead, but I prefer } them fresh straight from the steamer, right before they develop } language skills. I'm full all day, and with the proper balance of beer } and other supplemental growth agents, I don't have to eat again for } weeks! } } Hope that helps, and "Go Sports Franchise of Your Choice"! } } You owe the Oracle a bologna that can speak rudimentary German.