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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, most salientian, most paisley, you are > THE master of Internet neurohumor! > > Why do pennies still exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must confess I've been wondering about that myself. Oh, of course I } -knowhy, since I know all, but the answer still doesn't make any sense. } Let's see if we can get a clarification, shall we? } } (The Oracle picks up a telephone and dials. After a moment a voice can } be heard on the other end. While the voice is speaking, the Oracle } waves his hand and in a flash of phosphorus a man holding a telephone } appears in the room.) } } "..is this? How did you get my private number?" The man looks around, } and starts to speak into the phone again. "How did I get here?" } Realizing the futility of the device, he looks up and addresses the } Oracle directly. "Where am I?" } } "You're safe in Indiana for the moment. My supplicant and I want to ask } you something." } } "Supplicant? But only the... you're the Internet Oracle?" } } The Oracle smiles. He always enjoys being recognized by the rabble. } } The man stares stunned for a moment, then drops to his face in a } magnificent grovel. "Oh, forgive me Mighty One!" he finishes up. "Had I } known I would be in your presence, I'd have made it a point to bring } some of the new gold pieces we're making down at the Mint. I can have } them delivered! Will 10,000 be sufficient? I can have them stamped with } your likeness!" } } "Not today, Joseph. We just have a question." The Oracle addresses his } supplicant. "Joe here is the production manager at the U.S. Mint. He's } familiar with every American coin currently in circulation, and the } ones due to hit production within the next 5 years or so. He should be } able to explain." Once again to Joe: "Why do pennies still exist, Joe?" } } Joe's face paled, and he stammered for a moment before finally giving } up and smiling shyly. "I don't really know." } } "Joe, do we have to do this every time?" } } "But Master Oracle! You know the clearances that are required!" } } The Oracle said nothing. It was enough. } } "All right! All right! The reason is, we don't know how to turn off the } machine! It just keeps banging out pennies, and we can't find the OFF } switch or the power cord! If we stop feeding it metal, it starts this } awful vibration that nearly destroyed the Washington Monument! That's } why it needed renovation, you know - the marble cracked and started to } fall off from the noise!" } } The Oracle nodded. "Hence the increasing price of copper over the past } 20 years." } } "Yes!" Joe nodded violently. "We created such a demand for copper the } price kept going up, even though we didn't really need it! We finally } developed the aluminum core material that's in use now, so we weren't } eating so much copper every day, and the price stabilized. But we still } can't stop the machine." } } "Who built the machine, Joe? Have you asked HIM to turn it off?" } } "We can't find him. We hired him from a machine design firm in Germany, } and he built all our presses. He finsihed them all ahead of schedule } and under budget, and they worked like a charm, so we paid his fee plus } a bonus and sent him packing. He disappeared after that. The machines } have run non-stop ever since." } } "Do the other presses do the same thing?" } } "We think they will. There's still a sensible use for the larger } denomination coins, so we haven't had a reason to shut the other } presses down. We're afraid to try." } } The Oracle looks to his supplicant. "Does that answer satisfy you?" } } "Oh, yes, Mighty One of Valorous Knowledge. I may die happy now." } } "Don't you think you should let Joe off the hook now?" } } The supplicant looked confused. "Excuse me? How can I help Joe? I'm } just a supplicant." } } "How about if I guess your name?" } } "What? What's my name got to do with it? Besides, I never told... oh." } } The Oracle nods. "Right. I'm the Oracle - you don't have to tell me. } Let me see... could your name be something like Rumplestiltskin?" } } The supplicant pales, then turns red with anger. "Yes! All right! Yes! } I built the presses, I made them run on magic, and I made them keep } running when Joe decided to not hire me full time! What's it to you, } anyway? You have all the money you'll ever need! What do you care?" } } "I care that my copper mines have been worked dry, and I don't have } enough aluminum mines to make anything on THAT growing demand. I care } that I have to pay three times the fair price for network cable. I care } that I just barely picked up the contract to supply the marble for the } Washington Monument. You're messing with MY portfolio, Rump, and I } don't like it." } } Rumplestiltskin, stung by the use of his hated childhood nickname, did } not answer for a long time. "So what do you want me to do? Please don't } make me turn off the machine! This jerk still owes me." } } "Maybe so, but now -you- owe -me-. You did ask a question, you know. } It's tribute time. Joe, what projects you got coming up?" } } "Well, this 'ethnic heroes' bit that led to the Sacajawea dollar seems } to be popular, so they're looking to put another non-white face on a } coin. Preferably female." } } "A little affirmative action among friends, eh?" } } "Sure. A handicap would be nice, too, but that's a stretch." } } "How about a dwarf on a copper $2 coin?" } } "Hey!" } } Joe nodded. "That might go well. But it'll take weeks to produce the } stamping dies." } } The Oracle chuckled. "Not this time." } } Supplicant, you owe the Oracle your face on a penny. On a whole bunch } of pennies. Report to the Mint at 8:00 AM Monday, and bring a sack } lunch. Your face is going to be busy pounding out copper.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's woodchucks, wombats, gerbils, mole-rats, lemurs, llamas, }    cats and dogs, } And in-jokes like the Staff of Zot and Lisa, Zadoc, Thag and Og, } And girlfriends, boyfriends, plastic sheep friends, problems of a }    sexual sort, } And football, soccer, tennis, hockey, and all other kinds of sport, } And Python quotes and top ten lists and hitch-hikers galactical, } And pleas for help with get rich quick schemes that are quite }    impractical, } And people in the news like Clinton, Bush and Blair and Gates and }    Gore, } And medical advice regarding why your willy is so sore. } } There's parodies of Austen, Conrad, Lovecraft, Joyce and Hemmingway, } And poems by Poe, and songs by Queen and Don McLean and Doris Day; } There's Infocom and Doom and Quake and Nethack, MUDs and D&D, } And AOL and Juno Mail and dear old B1FF and Prodigy. } } There's TV shows like Red Dwarf, Teletubbies, Friends and Blackadder, } And Star Trek Classic, TNG and DS9 and Voyager, } And B5 and the X-Files with their plotlines so dramatical, } And Xena Warrior Princess who has bosoms most pneumatical, } And Unix, Linux, Mickeysoft, and TLAs like GNU and GUI, } Zen Buddhism, Catholicism, Darwinism and Feng Shui, } And mentioning the priests like Davis, Chew and Viles and Avedon, } And subjects meant to gross me out like squids with herpes and }    so on. } } There's quantum physics, chaos theory, superstrings, black holes }    and quarks, } And gags ripped off from Stephen Wright and Emo Phillips and Karl Marx, } And how your flatmate's dirty socks wound up inside your casserole, } And paradoxes, puns, dramatic irony and 'yperbole. } } These are some of the questions you could send unto the Oracle, } But twits who send blank emails really are a dreadful bore-icle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most unflagging and most logical Oracle, I am indebted to you for > your answer to this, > > Why do old people say the same thing over and over and over again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We don't - it's just that our voices tend to echo in the hollow spaces } between your ears. } } You owe the Oracle a megaphone - you youngsters are the ones that need } the hearing aids.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Day after day the Oracle pours forth wisdom; night after night the > Oracle displays knowledge. O' Oracle Most Wise, Teach me knowledge > and good judgment, for I believe in your words, I rely on your wit. > > Why do people get tattoos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They want to know when the plane is arriving, and short little guys } are much cheaper to feed and store than air traffic controllers. } } You owe the Oracle an Oompa-Loompa.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who loves to feel the wind in your hair: > > Will Honda ever build a scooter bigger than it's 250 cc Helix, what > will it be called and what will it look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 500 cc Double Helix with it's revolutionary "antiparallel" } "twisted ladder" Polynucleotidal-Wave(tm) chain drive (that } is, one chain running at 5' to 3' while the other is 3' to 5') } was the brain child of Honda Engineer Watt Crickson. "The Double } Helix ring-shaped helicase engine trucks! We're talking lightening } fast dTTP cleavage!" said Dolly Sheepton noted cycle enthusiast } after a test run across a Scottish pasture. Unfortunately Luddite } factions yielding political clout far exceeding their numbers have } had further work on the Double Helix halted in the English speaking } world citing concerns that, "Man has not made to go that fast". } Work on the Double Helix has shifted to the Orient where such } squeamishness is less in evidence. } } You owe the Oracle a crystallographic helmet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle most wise, > > Do you have any handy hints that might help me write my thesis > dissertation? > > I remain (as ever) your most humble and obedient servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10) Use a language in which all of your advisors are fluent } 09) Invisible ink or blood are frowned upon, as are Star Trek }     inspired fonts } 08) Paper clipping large denomination bills on difficult pages }     is not a bad idea before sending it to be reviewed } 07) References to the TellieTubbies should be kept to a minimum } 06) While writing under an aliases or a pen name might help }     deflect lawsuits it will slowdown the process } 05) Xeroxing someone else's dissertation, using White-out to }     obscure the original author's name and trying to pass it off }     as your own is far more risky than our room-mate has lead }     you to believe } 04) While writing under the influence of mind altering drugs }     might have worked for Huxley Jr. and William S. Burroughs, }     the Oracle suggests emulating this with anything stronger }     than coffee is Not A Good Idea } 03) Punctuating debatable passages with smilies will not }     win the reader over :) See? } 02) Listing channeled demons as references is of questionable }     validity } 01) No matter how good you are at drawing bikini clad babes with }     a felt tip marker, don't think that it will add flair to }     a page that pie charts can't match } } You owe the Oracle a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the way we stuff the queue... stuff the queue... stuff the > queue This is the way we stuff the queue with woodchuck and null > questions...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the way we drain the queue... drain the queue... drain the } queue This is the way we drain the queue... with answers that mimic } the style of the question, but lack the regular meter...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle, > Will graveyards become obsolete?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the advent of immortality for all graveards will become a novelty } maintained for the very rich. } } As the worlds population grows at a ridiculous rate due to the zero } deathrate even the smallest broomcloset will become premium realestate } } As natural death is not an option this bright new future will } legitimise murder as a form of social commentary.  International arts } councils willl provide generous grants for those most talented in } this exciting new artistic field. } Only the super-rich will be able to afford a piece of ground large } enough to put their bodies to rest in, the common man will be sold } to the soylent green processing plant. } } So it becomes clear that graveyards will not become obsolete, just } a little more personal. } Rather than being laid to rest by your friends and family, you are } laid to rest in your friends and family. And if nothing else you can } be murdered knowing hat at least the wake will be catered.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Where does all this trash come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, in the case of this particular incarnation, the breakdown is as } follows: } }   16.123%  Monty Python }    9.794%  The Bible }    8.526%  The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy }    7.812%  The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest }    7.397%  Shakespeare }    6.755%  RHOD in-jokes }    6.229%  Dave Barry }    5.596%  TV SF shows }    4.667%  Adolescent sexual fantasies }    4.484%  Rock lyrics }    3.756%  TV sitcoms }    3.049%  My First Treasury of Children's Verse }    2.771%  Babelfish }    2.554%  SF movies }    2.172%  Fortune cookies }    1.699%  Karl Marx }    1.463%  The Encyclopaedia Britannica }    1.211%  Computer jargon }    1.001%  Tom Lehrer }    0.925%  SF novels }    0.739%  Eastern mysticism }    0.424%  Tyops }    0.289%  Newspapers }    0.256%  Edgar Allan Poe }    0.133%  Eddie Izzard }    0.080%  Jane Austen }    0.052%  Harpo Marx }    0.027%  Adolescent sexual experiences }    0.015%  The hippocampus }    0.001%  Inspiration } } You owe the Oracle some more inspiration or, failing that, a } non-embarrassing adolescent sexual experience.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows no Thigh Master and Has a Body by Soloflex: > > How can a woman reduce her boobs without resorting to surgery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make them walk around the house with heavy books on their heads, } though the Oracle really believes you should rethink your desire } since it has been statistically proven that taller men earn more } than shorter men. } } You owe the Oracle the tax records of Wilt Chamberlain and Michael } Dukais.