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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I lost my MAN utility.  Can you give me the manual entry for finger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Oracle has looked high and low, and has found at last the answer } you seek. } } FINGER(1)         Eunuchs Programmer's Manual         FINGER(1) } } } } NAME }      finger - digital manipulation / signalling device } } SYNOPSIS }      finger [ options ] name ... } } DESCRIPTION }      About 3 inches long, with three joints including the one }      connecting it to the hand.  Has a hard shielding material }      covering the upper side of the protruding end, and a }      unique identification code imprinted on the front of the }      protruding end. }      NAME refers to one of {index, middle, ring, pinky}, which }      are referenced from the thumb outward.  INDEX is typically }      used for location and identification, RING for marraige, }      MIDDLE for divorce, and PINKY for cleaning wax out of one's }      ears. }      OPTIONS include hair, double-jointedness, broken bones, and }      various paraphernalia (rings, string, etc). }      Use of finger for prurient interests is not recommended on }      the grounds that it may lower your Purity Test score. }      Use of finger MIDDLE (aliased "BIRD") is definitely not }      advised against those people bigger than you. } } FILES }      Are useful for shaping fingernails. } } SEE ALSO }      "This little pig went to market" -- Anon. } } AUTHOR }      God, or Darwin, whichever you prefer. } } BUGS }      It is a good idea to keep the finger device free from }      bugs, which are unsightly and tend to itch. } } }      You owe the Usenet Oracle your thumbs and a 3270 Control Stream.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh Oracle, lodestone of my life, I hate to tell you this, but my > faith is shattered. >         Witness the following transcript!  Witness how I painstakingly > mapped out a poetically epic outpouring of my soul, practically bleeding > upon the page on which I wrote to you.  Witness the heinous, moronic, > utterly mindless lame reply which I have recieved: > > ------ > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oracle, when I first heard about you, I was very happy to know that > > there was some way for me to share my deepest problems and questions > > and having them resolved. > > > > Over the past few months, though, I've found that I've been mailing to > > the Oracle more and more. The comfort from receiving such reassuring > > answers is very reassuring; I find that almost my whole life depends > > on that comfort, now.  And, so, Oracle, I pose to you my first double > > question: > > > > 1) Is this oracle-devotion bad? > > > > 2) May I go to the bathroom now? I've been waiting for days. > > > > Thank you. Oh please, please, please, please answer quickly.... > > > >                                          With legs crossed, > >                                             Devotee > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } 1) No, it isn't bad unless yo overload the heaven links > }    and yes, you can go to the bathroom now... > } > } (please wash your hands after) > ------- > >         Yea, verily, Oricale, both these questions were very important > to me; now I feel violated.  Hence, now, I pose to you another double > question: > > 1) Have my long months of faith been spent in vain? > > 2) Was that last response sent by The True Oracle, or did some shmuck >         intercept my message? > >                                            With shoes untied, >                                               Devotee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Yes, the long months of your faith were spent in vain.  In fact, one } of the acolytes, whom we shall henceforth refer to as "Brother Bimbo", } snuck into the Oracle Treasury of Faith, and took a rather large } quantity of the last months' proceeds.  He thence absconded to the Jimmy } Swaggart Christian Casino, where he did gamble away everything he took. } (It wasn't a total loss.  He did get a pink fuzzy stuffed teddy-bear, } and an all-expenses-paid Voyage to Arcturus (symbolism optional).) I am } sorry to report that the faith you had contributed was among that which } Brother Bimbo embezzled. } } 2) In fact, a cabal of rec.humorites have been intercepting the Oracle's } mail and forwarding it to talk.bizarre.boring, whence your answer. } } Rejoice!  You have now reached the true Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle a lollipop.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because we like you! } } You owe the oracle a Mickey Mouse Club Hat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I don't know if it's just me, but I have never seen > anyone collect the money out of a public pay phone.  Does the phone > company ever send someone to collect the money?  If not, what happens to > it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It IS just you.  You have a minor genetic deficiency in your retinae } which prevent you from seeing objects with albedo under .17 and } reflective wavelength between 4015 and 4090 Angstroms.  And the phone } company only hires dark blue men to collect pay phone money. } } You owe the Oracle a nifty pair of Ray-bans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I make my voice do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmm... lets see... this is a tough one. } }       Place your left hand against your throat, with your thumb }       against your right jugular vein and your fingers up around }       your left ear. Hold your nose between your right thumb and }       middle finger.  Put your index finger against your forehead }       and your pinky finger between your front teeth.  Purse your }       lips.  Bend over and place your head between your knees, or as }       far down as you can reach (if you can reach, you are not doing }       it right).  Curl your upper lip as if you smelled something }       bad.  Anything you say in this position will come out like }       this. } }       You owe the oracle a self-poitrait, in this position.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What has the effect of the U.S.-Canada Free Trade Accord been > on the North American zipper industry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      A Question.  For eons I have waited for a Question... } }      No, honestly!  You wouldn't believe how many pseudo-questions I get } (zen weirdness), how many cliche questions (about woodchucks), and } lonely hearts inquiries.  Things weren't too much better when I first } started.  All these bizarre set-ups by Zeno, cliche questions about how } many days it took to build Rome, and lonely heart inquiries.  But you } have finally asked something worthwhile.  I'll have to fire up the } incense and let me collect a few things.  Haven't had to do this since I } set up all those filters to handle the Lisa questions.... } }      [cring, fsst...  patter-patter-patter...  bdong!] } }      Bloody goat!  Now what did I do with the weasels... } }      [oooog...  Sploosh!  meep] } }      Oh Great and Ineffable, Ineluctable Ones, enlighten this, your } Oracle, so that I may tell this mortal the effect of the U.S.-Canada } Free Trade Accord has had on the North American zipper industry? } } [working............................done] } } FIVE ARE THE WAYS OF THE NORTH, } FIVE IS THEIR COUNT. } } SIX ARE THE WAYS OF THE SOUTH, } SIX IS THEIR MEASURE. } } EACH TO EACH, EACH TO EACH } AND SO IT IS GOLDEN. } EACH ACROSS, EACH ACROSS } AND ALL IS UNDONE. } } LEAF FALL, STORM CALL, } IN SMALL THINGS ARE GREAT FALLS. } THE KING SHALL BE JOINING } THAT WHICH OPPOSES, } AND FROM HIS DELAY, } SHALL COME NEXT YEAR'S ROSES. } } FOR FURTHER INQURIES, PLEASE USE THE FOLLOWING CASE NUMBER:  C339-Y-7. } } NEXT TIME, USE REAL OWL FEATHERS PLEASE.... } }        Hmmm...  Ok.  The first part is pretty straightforward.  Seems } that Canada and U.S.  have different standards for the number of zipper } teeth per inch.  This is fine until someone buys left zipper halves from } Canada and right zipper halves from the U.S.  Otherwise, the general } effect is profitable for the industry. } }        The second part is much more obscure....  Let me cross-ref on the } roses.  Yoicks!  Seems like we got lucky on this one.  The U.S. } President in the near future will get stuck in the bathroom trying to } zip up his trousers with a binational zipper.  In doing so, he will be } delayed long enough for the Strategic Air Command to determine that } those blips are geese, not missiles, and so a nuclear war will be } averted. } }        Pretty amazing, eh?  Talk about planning!  Those Fates are pretty } well on the ball. } }        You owe the Oracle some real owl feathers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your favorite Monty Python sketch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Well, he has an absoulutely beatiful one of a Basque mudslide } hurtling down on a small, sleepy town.  It's done in sepia, and with } great detail.  I also like his charcoal rendering of "Various small } furry animals in a cave, grooving with a Pict", a wonderful example of } how to portray a scene with a minimal number of strokes.  But, I expect } that my most favorite is the Spanish Inquisition... } } [CRASH!!] } } "***NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!***" } }     You owe the Oracle a new door.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> when?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When tiny young pigs make their homes in the sky } When liver spots start to pass old people by } When gardeners try to grow dirty old socks } When slugs make a diet of bagels and lox } When week-old damp bread will no longer grow mold } When stuff owned by Elvis no longer is sold } When pandas grow fangs and attack little girls } When oysters rebel and refuse to grow pearls } When Dan Quayle is voted Time's "Man of the Year" } When Santa is someone whom small children fear } When research discovers that oat bran is bad } When wearing lead underpants becomes a fad } When mankind finds sex to be of little worth } When mutated cockroaches rule the whole earth } When the Masked Marvel is finally unmasked } When dumb Oracle questions cease to be asked } When birds start to swim and fish try to hum } Only Then will you find wisdom, my son. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Ripley's Believe It or Not and a rhyming } dictionary.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Most songs on Earth are about love or its absence.  Please send me a > love song written on a planet with more than two sexes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Translations of songs from these planets generally don't capture } their intensity. The language involved has more than two truth } values; translations end up "vague" and "obscure" to Terran ears. } Still, if you must know... } } --- } } Here is the refrain from "Uncertain Disco," as performed by the } Heisenbergs, homeworld RU-232: } } When it became possible for you to enter the room } I necessarily got excited } It was 47.4% certain that this was love at first sight } It appeared that I wanted you right there, or maybe right over there } Probably } } --- } } You owe the oracle an all-expense-paid tour of an IBM 3162 terminal.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Please recite for me a poem of love, betrayal and destruction in > seven lines each beginning with the letter s.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pas de problem.  The form of the poem is } called a limerimerick: } } Sally loved Lois with fervor. } She swore that she'd love her for ever }   So when she found Fred }   Sharing Lois's bed }   She shot them both dead, }   Smashed Fred's garden shed, } Saying "That is the end of my oeuvre". } } [You may now applaud]