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} Hard for me to say, I don't use either of them.
}
} Sure, they're both pretty darn good at managing vast arrays of
} data, but considering that I'm omniscent, they're really pretty
} useless. I know the answer to any complex query by merely
} asking myself.
}
} Sadly, there are the skeptics and accountants amoung us that
} refuse to believe any answer without mountains of interesting
} looking, irrelevant data. And let me tell you, the ONLY way to
} churn out excess meaningless clutter is by using an NIMDb, a
} Near Infinite Monkey Database.
}
} A few SQL (Simian Query Language) statements and it spews out
} reams of various associations, cross tabulations and other
} etheral bits of gobbledeegook that whole universities are
} founded and collapsed trying to make sense of it all.
}
} Of course sometimes it backfires on me. I remember once when
} some goof from Stratford upon Avon asked me for a summation of
} ancient Danish heraldry. Do you think I got any credit when he
} turned it into a play? Heck no!
}
} Ok, so he had to rewrite bits of it, but I've got a copy of the
} original I handed to him sitting right here. You tell me if this
} isn't better..
}
} Enter Horatio and Marcellus from tire swing.
}
} Fran. I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who is there?
} Fran. beats chest and bares teeth.
} Hor. Friends to this ground.
} Hor. slaps ground with open palm.
} Mar. And liegemen to the Dane.
} Fran. Give you good night.
} Mar. offers to groom Fran.
} Mar. O, farewell, honest soldier.
} Who hath reliev'd you?
} Fran. Bernardo hath my place.
} Give you good night.
} Fran Exit swinging from vine.
}
} Mar. Holla, Bernardo!
} Mar. inverted, waves foot.
} Ber. Say-
} What, is Horatio there ?
} Hor. flings fruit playfully at Ber.
} Hor. A piece of him.
}
} Ber. Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus.
} Ber. inspects self.
} Mar. What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
} Ber. I have seen nothing.
} Ber. continues inspecting self.
} Mar. Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,
} And will not let belief take hold of him
} Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us.
} Therefore I have entreated him along,
} With us to watch the minutes of this night,
} That, if again this apparition come,
} He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
} Mar. begins leaping into the air and howling.
} Hor. Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.
} Mar. settles a bit and simply thrashes
} foliage with a branch.
} Ber. Sit down awhile,
} Placates Mar. by shaking outstreached fist.
} And let us once again assail your ears,
} That are so fortified against our story,
} What we two nights have seen.
} Hor. Well, sit we down,
} And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
} All sit, Hor. begins to groom Mar.
} Ber. Last night of all,
} When yond same star that's westward from the pole
} Had made his course t' illume that part of heaven
} Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,
} The bell then beating one-
}
} Enter Ghost, a very very large monkey clutching
} a screaming maiden.
}
} All leap up in a great cry with bold whoops
} Mar. begins to fling dung at Ghost
} Mar. Peace! break thee off! Look where it comes again!
} maiden screams louder, a slow smile
} spreads across the Ghosts face.
}
} Ber. In the same figure, like the King that's dead.
} Mar. briskly slaps Hor. head
} Mar. Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
} Ber. Looks it not like the King? Mark it, Horatio.
} Ghost scratches self and
} begins smelling same finger
} Hor. Most like. It harrows me with fear and wonder.
} Ber. It would be spoke to.
} Ghost yawns mightily, maiden faints
} Mar. Question it, Horatio.
} Horatio cautiously approaches Ghost's foot.
} Touches the toe and runs back screaming. Mar.
} beats Hor. with open fists
} until Hor. returns to Ghost.
} Hor. What art thou that usurp'st this time of night
} Together with that fair and warlike form
} In which the majesty of buried Denmark
} Did sometimes march? By heaven I charge thee speak!
} Hor. in fit of rage,
} throws more dung at Ghost.
} Mar. It is offended.
} Ber. See, it stalks away!
} There is much thrashing of foliage by
} Mar., Ber., and Hor.
} Hor. Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee speak!
} Exit Ghost
}
} Beautiful, and it would still pack the theaters.
}
} You owe the Oracle alas poor Yorick, a gibbon of infinite jest...
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