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} Look, mister, I _know_ who you are. I don't have to be told. I'm The
} Oracle, remember? And no, hiding behind that rubber nose with the fake
} moustache isn't going to fool anyone, so you may as well take it off.
} There, that's better. (Or in your case, maybe not.)
}
} Anyway, since I'm in a particularly benevolent mood today (it being the
} Day of the Great Annual Oracular Booze-Up and Woodchuck Sacrificing
} Festival), I shall deign to provide your question with a suitable
} answer. However, my time being precious, and the Festivular Virgins
} particularly enticing this year, I have chosen to delegate the reply to
} a picked panel of guest dieties, who will, I am certain, provide you
} with all the information you need.
}
} And our panelists today are... hm, that's interesting. It appears that
} we're a bit short on regular dieties today, what with the Booze-Up
} Festival going on and all, and a few of the lesser-known ones are
} stepping up to fill in. So much the better! Our guest panelists today
} are: Chicharones, the Aztec god of bloody sacrifice, blood and death;
} Coaxialcable, the Omlec god of short-wave radio, hot dog buns, really
} bad salsa and death; and Axolotl, the Inca god of death, death, and
} (how quaint) more death. And now, on to our first question.
}
} > So, how does one go about devising a digestible question?
}
} Chicharones: Well, Orrie, this is a tricky question, and I'm sure that
} everyone's approach is going to be a little bit different. I myself
} would suggest that one start by cutting out its heart from its chest
} while it's still beating, then cutting off its hands and feet with
} obsidian-bladed ritual hatchets, and then---
}
} Coaxialcable: No, no, no! You begin by bashing its head in with small
} stones for thirty minutes or until until medium-dead, then you---
}
} Axolotl: Blood! Death! Kill!
}
} Chicharones: ...its guts out...
}
} Coaxialcable: ...cut it into pieces, and then you jump up and down on
} the pieces, until you get blisters, and then...
}
} Axolotl: Maim! Burn! Kill!
}
} Oracle: Ahem, thank you, gentlemen. And now on to our second question.
}
} > And what would the answer to just such a question be?
}
} Oracle: Well, I think I can field this one myself. It would probably
} be something _not_ involving several blood-thirsty pre-Columbian
} divinities and a panel discussion.
}
} Join us next week for "Short Discussions About Classical History".
} Next week's topic: Wit and Humor in Historical Narrative. Our
} panelists will be Thucydides, Herodotus of Halicarnassus, and Snorri
} Sturlusson.
}
} Until then, this is The Oracle, signing off.
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