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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my mom spaz out when I see her breast?  I saw it lots of times > when I was a baby.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oedipus Wrecks!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would anyone name their daughter "Candy", anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't search for deeper purposes }   where none are to be found } } Names are chosen oft by whim, }   and not for reasons sound } } Casper!  Elrod!  Waldo!  Ralph! }   - their suffering is plain... } } (But they named their daughter "Candy," sir, }   just to yank your chain.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me, sir, I believe that you have stolen that orgasm.  I must } place you under Citizen's Arrest, and drub you soundly with a truncheon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   ( * * )        ^   ^          .^ ^. >     (^)    .    ( + + )        . o o . >   /  U  \ //      >^<    /      . v . >   (     )//     /     \ /      / | | \ >   (     )/      |     |/        ./ \. >    .U U.         \w..w/     ____mm.mm____ >                                  \_/ > > Woof?           Meow?          Hoot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               (__) }               (oo) }        /-------\/ }       / |     || }      *  ||----|| }         ~~    ~~ } }           Moo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    What is the best way for me to get a date with Samantha Fox?  Could > she really be attracted to someone in Physics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want a date with Samantha Fox, hunh?  Yep, she's a babe all right. } I understand your situation.  I'm not sure if she'd be attracted to } someone in Physics or not.  I dabble in the subject myself.  Let's see, } though, hummm...  yes, I have her number right here.  I'll call and see. } } <rrrring rrring> } } < Hello?  Samantha?  Yes, this is the Oracle.  You may have heard of }   me. } } < Why yes!  How kind.  I thought the answer to that question was rather }   brilliant myself, but it's nice to hear it from somebody else. } } < Beg pardon?  You'd do just about anything for someone who could }   answer a certain physics problem that's been bothering you?  Well, }   that's my speciality... answering questions and solving problems. } } < Yes, I would love to discuss it over dinner... Oh, wait.  Can you }   hold on for just a minute?  Thanks, sweetheart. } } Listen: Samantha Fox obviously wouldn't want to have anything to } do with a dweeb like you.  Go study your textbooks some more. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of your best after-shave lotion } and a nice tie that would go well with a dark blue suit. } } < So, anyway, I was thinking eightish...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh wise one, here is my moral dilemma: > > I have been offered a job at a corporation which I despise.  They have > offered to fly me to their headquarters and pay all expenses while > there.  I have friends in the area and would enjoy the trip.  Should I > accept this trip, or am I morally obliged to refuse, knowing that I > would never accept their offer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may have heard of the old phrase, "There is no such thing as a free } lunch." Quite some time ago, I proved this quite untrue, and you have } just done so again.  Not only do you get a free lunch (on the plane), } but a free hotel room, free food, free ground transportation, and if you } end up in a REALLY good hotel, free movies. } } It is your job as a prospective employee to spend as much of their money } as possible.  This way, they'll get a feel for your habits (translated-- } expensive tastes), which will show them that you would NOT make a good } employee after all, and they'll end up hiring someone else.  This is the } only way to satisfy all parties involved:  You get a free vacation, and } they will feel like they've invested some good time and money to find } out that you really WOULDN'T work out, which is much better to them than } hiring a bad candidate.  Finally, your moral obligations are satisfied } because they will have refused YOU, and not the other way around. } } In summary, "Take the trip and act like a jerk." } } You owe the oracle a hotel ashtray.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day I found a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker flying over my house > in Devon when I suddenly saw it plunge , utterly dead from the sky. I > later found in my fireplace covered in soot. What is meant by this > portent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me consult my Book of Dead Bird Omens ...  Ah, here it is, on } p.14,831,118.  I admire whoever wrote the index...  but no matter.  On } to the interpretation. } } "If ye Lesser Spotted Woodpecker be flyeing over ye Houfe in Devon, and } Fuddenly and Caufeleffly fall down ye Chimbknee of a Houfe, then Doom } Approachef!  It comef in ye form of a Pinecone of Fuch a Fize that five } grown Men and three Big Brawny Horfef can hardly carry it, but ye } Pinecone fhall be carried by a myfteriouf Engine which fhall } myfterioufly and fuddenly depofit it in the Lawn of the bewoodpeckered } Houfe in Devon, and fhall refufe to take it away, faying that the } occupantf of faid Houfe did Order it from a Catalogue.  And there fhall } be many billf for thif Pinecone, and it fhall be impoffible to Get Rid } Of.  And vaft fhall the tribulationf thereoffrom be.  So it if Written } in the Bookf of Prophefies." } } (What is the date on that book?  October, 1988?  That's pretty strange.) } } Translation:  someone will deliver a gigantic pine cone to your front } lawn, try to bill you for it, send the bill to a collection agency.  You } won't be either able to pay or to get it removed.  It will be a massive } hassle. } } You owe the Oracle the pine tree that that pine cone came from.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much rent do I owe today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *********************************************************************** } *                                                                     * } *   INTRODUCING THE ORACLE FINANCE CORPORATION, INC, INK, WINK!!!!    * } *                                                                     * } *********************************************************************** } } FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:  FEBRUARY 2, 1990 } }     AS OF FEBRUARY FIRST, THE ORACLE HAS BEGUN OPERATING A COMPANY WHICH } THE BIG-O HIMSELF CLAIMS WILL PUT COMPANIES SUCH AS H&R BLOCK OUT OF } BUSINESS "SO FAST THAT THEY WILL BE CONFUSED FOR A FEW MINUTES FOLLOWING } THE OBLITERATION OF THEIR COMPANY, MAYBE." } }     SINCE THE ORACLE IS OMNIPOTENT, THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES OF USURY } BROUGHT AGAINST HIM WHEN HE BEGINS CHARGING INTEREST RATES OF ONE TO TWO } HUNDRED PERCENT AS WELL AS VARIOUS FINANCIAL FEES FOR HIS WORK TOTALLING } UP TO SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE AMOUNT OF MONEY INVOLVED, FOR MONEY HE } IS MANAGING OR TRANSACTIONS HE IS TRANSACTING. } }     WHY WOULD ANYBODY USE HIS SERVICES?  WE ASKED THE ORACLE AND HE SAID } "BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES AND RESPECTS ME.  I'M GREAT, YOU KNOW." } }             FOR MORE INFORMATION REGARDING HIS SERVICES, PLEASE WRITE } TO: } }                                           THE ORACLE }                                           NEW YORK, NY 10101 }      (For reasons of privacy the Oracle's address is unlisted but the }       United States Postal Service has been instructed to deliver all }       mail to the correct address.) } }    ACT FAST, TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Murphy's hypotheses called law when it only works some of the > time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Murphy's Law (also known as The Butter-side Down rule of Breakfast } Accidents) is called a law rather than an hypothesis for the simple } reason that it *never* fails, just seems to. }   Most occasions that Murphy's Law is active are quite obvious; } computers going down at the crucial point in a vital project, wings } falling off passenger aircraft, Dan Quayle becoming the VP etc.  The } really subtle effects of Murphy's Law are those when things appear to } work out. }   What happens then is that something goes right, making you miss out on } something else far better that you would have encountered if it had gone } wrong or exposing you to a disaster that you would otherwise have } avoided. }   Examples:  Beautiful, witty, intelligent young lady agrees to a date, } unfortunately you bump into her possesive ex-boyfriend who is a } professional assassin. }             You win a luxury holiday on a tropical island, which is } struck by a hurricane the day after you arrive. }             You're cured of cancer, the day before you get run over by a } truck. } }   Murphy's Law never fails, it just bides it's time occasionally. } } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } Well, that was an easy Ocularity, things are going O.K. today! } } PF1 e } e } e } exit } q } q } q } ?? } HELP } e } eeeee } exit } quit } DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN } ewruhcbwec } EXIT FUCKIT } whimper......

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a montain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mountain is a thing that you can climb } Or fall from, which takes just a bit less time } A mountain is a thing that's made of stone } A mountain is a fractal, not a cone. } You climb a mountain just because it's there } A mountain's where you find a grizzly bear } A mountain rises way up in the sky } And you can't bench-press it, even if you try. } A mountain is an upscale piece of rock } It's really _really_ hungus, do you grok? } A mountain isn't likely to be pink } Nor does it often talk, at least I think. } A mountain is so many things, you see, } And this is some of what it means to me. } In short, a mountain's nothing but a hill } That suffers from a case of overkill. } } You owe the Oracle a Freudian mammary symbol.