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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Auntie Ora > > There are weasels in my sub-basement!  Help! > > S.U. Plicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Zadoc walks onto the stage dressed in bib overalls }   and a straw hat, he is carrying a banjo. Og is already }   there, he has a washboard in his hand. Lisa now enters }   from stage right, she has on the shortest pair of jeans }   cutoff shorts you have ever seen, and a red and white }   blouse knotted below her ample, erm, Appalachian scenery. }   The Oracle now arrives with a blues harp. The hoe-down }   begins! ] } } Weasels in the sub-basement, } Shoo, weasels, shoo, } Weasels in the sub-basement, } Shoo, weasels, shoo, } Weasels in the sub-basement, } Shoo, weasels, shoo, } Flush'em down the loo, my supplicant... } } [ Band takes five to swig on the jug, never really }   gets back to the rest of the song. ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do with all these leftover fireworks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always give my leftovers to my dog. } } You owe the Oracle a Roaming Candle. } } . } . } . } . } } [ News flash ] } } Tatercity-AP: Terror filled the homes of Tatercity as cat } after cat staggered back to their homes with horrific tales } of being taken captive by "Space Aliens" and violently } beamed in a cloud of sparks to 'Mother Ships' where they } were forced to bark and denounce purring. } } "It was horrible," recalled Missy, a 3 year old siamese. } "I was minding my own business sneaking up on a cricket } when an alien grabbed me, tied my tail to a tractor beam } and sent me to the mother ship!" Missy described the alien } as looking a lot like Jimmy Bulger's pug dog "Rancid" wearing } a shower cap on its head. Oddly enough the Mother Ship } was described as looking a lot like Jimmy's tree house. } } "And the aliens in the mother ship looked sorta like Barky } and Sparky from across the street, but only if they had } tubes of toothpaste duct taped to their tales " continued } a frightened Missy. } } FBI special Agents 'Arf' Molehair and 'Red' Sulky said } abduction victims sometimes describe aliens as looking } like innocent neighbors. "It has to do with projection," } explained 'Arf. Agent Sulky added, "For heavens sake we're } investigating cat abductions in an Oracle answer now, how } much more absurd can these plots get before we're canceled?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Great Oracle of knowledge of happiness, > >  Fast food has really burned me out, pizza is getting old, and I'd >  like to cook for once.  What should I have for dinner tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              The Oracle's Favorite -Easy- Meals! } } * Yin/Yang Breakfast }   Ingredients: Vanilla Ice Cream and Burnt Hot Dogs. } }   Recipe: }   Toss hot dogs into the oven, crank the heat up real high, }   put some vanilla ice cream in a bowl, when hot dogs }   begin to emit smoke their done. Eat rapidly before hot }   dogs cool or ice cream melts. } } * Slow Moving Feast }   Ingredients: peanut butter,mustard,white bread } }   Recipe: }   Saturate a slice of bread in mustard, Spread peanut butter }   on BOTH sides of a piece of bread, place in freezer, take }   it out 24 hours later. A crunchy stack for hot days! } } * Sun Milk }   Ingredients: Milk, nine tea bags } }   Recipe: }   open a gallon of cold milk, stuff the nine tea bags }   into milk ( you may need to chug out some milk to get }   them to fit), place container in sunny spot, come back }   six hours later. Serve in glass over ice. } } * Gas Station }   Ingredients: can of black eyed peas, can of cheap chili, }   package frozen lima beans, some asparagus (fresh, canned, }   frozen, it really doesn't matter), four cups of sugar } }   Recipe: }   Pour all ingredients into a microwave safe bowl or plastic }   bag, shake vigorously, place in microwave, heat on high }   for 17 minutes, eat hot } } * Busy Buzz-buzz Snack }   Ingredients: sugar cubes, honey } }   Recipe: }   Place sugar cubes on a paper plate, douse liberally with }   honey. That's it! Yum! } } You owe the Oracle some candles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you in your infinite yet magnanimous wisdom explain something > that's been troubling me for years? When pigeons bob their heads > as they walk is it because their legs are connected to their necks > or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pigeons want to make sure that at all times no human } will ever, ever mistake them for a statue.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, > > Will California ever have so many laws that no one will be > able to do anyting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracular Press - San Francisco, California, 28 June 2038 - } } S.F. was rocked today by a crime wave the likes of which this reporter } has never seen before. } } It all started at approximately six a.m., when one Mr. Jessie Parsons } allegedly activated his vehicle a mere two seconds after entering it, } thus endangering the livelihood of those around him.  His neighbor, Mr. } Juan Kardican, initiated a citizen's arrest.  Since this is in direct } violation of Supreme Court rulings, -his- neighbor made an arrest, } also. }  This went on for quite a while, and eventually the whole neighborhood } had to be taken into custody by a SWAT Team.  The SWAT Team is } currently under investigation for alleged use of excessive force.  The } investigative team is currently under investigation for overuse of the } legal system.  That investigative team is currently under investigation } for overuse of the charge of overuse of the legal system.  The legal } system is currently under investigation because these kind of things } have been happening every day.  Days are currently under investigation } because they allegedly do not allow enough work to be done.  Work of } all kinds is under investigation because of possible moral infractions. } The moral code is currently under investigation because of alleged } involvement in religion, which is a strict violation of the First } Amendment.  The First Amendment is under investigation because it may } have been written by practitioners of religion. } } In an unrelated story, a new poll shows that lawyers now make up over } 90% of the workforce in America.  This poll is currently under } investigation... } } You owe the Oracle a way out that doesn't offend anyone.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most slippery and hard to define, > > Do you employ any illegal aliens at the temple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    They're just house-guests, and I occasionally lend them } spending money. } }    In return, they sometimes give me a hand with the little chores } around the temple such as cleaning, washing dishes, hobbling } animals, catching blood in bowls, disemboweling intruders, } certification of temple virgins, making beds for } de-virginification ceremonies, filming same for distribution under } the "Slaves of Olympus" studio titles, fluffing, de-fluffing, } stunt money shots, script-writing, growing of soma, preparation of } soma, selling soma on street corners, carrying out hits on rival } soma distributers as well as cocaine and heroin dealers angry at } us cutting into their market, collection of protection money, } wielding lesser ZOTs on those failing to pay up their protection } money, white slavery, black slavery, green and maroon slavery, } temple prostitution, house prostitution, street prostitution, } light pimping, S&M sessions, M&S sessions (Lisa has an account at } Marks and Sparks, and she *loves* to shop), loan sharking, } recovery of sharks from deadbeat loanees, and the odd traditional } horse's head in the bed routine. } }    We also serve as a mail drop for a couple of science fiction } writers who prefer to tell their parents that they're employed in } the above trades instead. } }    Did I say employed? My mistake. } }    You owe the Oracle a chance at a confirmation hearing. I'm } omniscient - if they swear me to tell the *whole* truth, I'll } start with Pappy Bush and work my way down to Laura.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Any messages while I was gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just the usual... } } 16 Calls from "Starbright Windows & Conservatories" asking if you've } considered double glazing - since the day before. } } 13 Calls from some insurance company or other, who've yet to figure } out that telling you you might die tomorrow is possibly not the best } tack to take to get a sale. } } 6 Calls from an insurance company who sounded like they meant it when } they said you might die tomorrow. They also made it sound like it } could hurt, a lot. } } 3 Calls from Dave the Kink, he says the Vaseline is getting cold, and } marrows only last for so long you know. } } 10 Calls from some guys modem at three in the morning. } } A call from some guy called 'Georgie' asking if we should "bomb the } hell out of the Middle East and be done with it". He sounded quite } confused so I suggested he might as well and see what happened. } } And 2 calls (wrong numbers) from a confused elderly lady called } Agnes, who seems to be under the impression you're her son. I know } now more about her curtains and her friend Doris' hip replacement } than is healthy. Even for an entity such as myself. } } You owe the Oracle a freshly Vaselined marrow.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SUPPLICANT LICENSE AGREEMENT > > 0. In the following license agreement, the following words mean the > following things: > > The word "supplicant" refers to the sender of the electronic mail > (e-mail) message. > The word "question" refers to all text of the email message, including, > but not limited to, signature, headers and mime information, regardless > of whether an actual question is present. > > 1.  Answering this license agreement dictates your full agreement with > its terms and conditions, and acknowledges that this license agreement > applies to all future questions as well as retrospectively. > > 2.  The supplicant reserves the right to resubmit any question, an > unlimited number of times, if, at the sole discretion of the > supplicant, the answer to the supplicant's question is unsatisfactory. > > 3.  The supplicant reserves the right to submit any question, > including, but not limited to, the questions known as the null question > and the woodchuck question. > > 4.  The supplicant reserves the right to submit questions in any > format, including, but not limited to the formats known as MIME, HTML, > ROT13 and any variations and combinations thereof. > > 5.  The supplicant reserves the right to "tellme" as often as the > supplicant chooses, and any instructions from the Oracle to do so or > not do so are merely considered advice and non-binding. > > 6.  The supplicant is under no responsibility to answer questions when > directed to by the Oracle. > > 7.  The Oracle will not be aware of the supplicant's identity, and will > make no attempt to ascertain this information or information that can > be reasonably considered to lead to this information. > > 8.  The Oracle guarantees that a question of the supplicant will appear > in the "Internet Oracularities", at least ten (10) times a year. > > 9.  The Oracle guarantees that a question of the supplicant will appear > in the "Best Of The Internet Oracularities", at least one (1) time a > year. > > 10.  The Oracle guarantees that no answers will be given that are not > relevant to the supplicant's question. > > 11.  The Oracle guarantees that all questions will be answered, and > they will be answered within a period of two (2) days. > > 12.  The supplicant grants redistribution rights to the Oracle for the > supplicant's questions.  Any publication of such material must however > clearly carry the notice "Portions copyright 2001 Supplicant", where > "2001" is replaced by the year in which the supplicant's question was > submitted. > > 13.  No telepathy or possession will be used on the supplicant or > anyone in contact with the supplicant by the Oracle either directly or > by anyone under the employment by the Oracle, whether that employment > is in exchange for other considerations or otherwise, at any point in > time from the time this license agreement goes into effect. > > 14.  The Oracle guarantees that no harm will come to the supplicant, by > the Oracle either directly or by anyone under the employment by the > Oracle, whether that employment is in exchange for other considerations > or otherwise, and whether that harm is as a result of the supplicant's > activities in connection with the Oracle or otherwise, at any point in > time from the time this license agreement goes into effect.  This > includes but is not limited to, the process of "zotting". > > If you do not agree with this license agreement, please immediately > delete this question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: The Internet Oracle's Legal Department }       <oracle-legal@cs.indiana.edu> } To: The Supplicant QgsaGzb <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> } } Subject: Your draft of a Supplicant License Agreement } } Dear Sirs, } } thank you very much for your draft of a Supplicant License Agreement. } My partner and I have pondered the implications that the license } agreement in it's present form would have and have come up with a few } alterations. In this document you will find a few annotations to your } original suggestion; in the appendix you will find a new version of the } Supplicant License Agreement, that, we are proud to say, has the full } backing of the Oracle itself. } } > > 2.  The supplicant reserves the right to resubmit any question, an } > > unlimited number of times, if, at the sole discretion of the } > > supplicant, the answer to the supplicant's question is } > > unsatisfactory. } However, the supplicant should be aware that, if the Oracle receives the } same question by the same supplicant over and over again, the Oracle } might become a little bit irritated. } } > > 3.  The supplicant reserves the right to submit any question, } > > including, but not limited to, the questions known as the null } > > question and the woodchuck question. } No problem here, but the supplicant will have to live with the } consequences. Which, fortunately, won't be very much longer in the case } of the woodchuck question. } } > > 7.  The Oracle will not be aware of the supplicant's identity, and } > > will make no attempt to ascertain this information or information } > > that can be reasonably considered to lead to this information. } That really clashes a bit with the Oracle being "omniscient", don't you } think? } } > > 8.  The Oracle guarantees that a question of the supplicant will } > > appear in the "Internet Oracularities", at least ten (10) times a } > > year. } This is a matter in which the Oracle has no saying. } } > > 10.  The Oracle guarantees that no answers will be given that are } > > not relevant to the supplicant's question. } *All* the answers the Oracle gives are relevant to the supplicant's } question. If the supplicant fails to see the connection, then that's } his/her fault. } } > > 11.  The Oracle guarantees that all questions will be answered, and } > > they will be answered within a period of two (2) days. } We think "...and they will *usually* be answered within a period of two } (2) workingdays" is better. } } > > 12.  The supplicant grants redistribution rights to the Oracle for } > > the supplicant's questions. } This is imperative. } } > > Any publication of such material must however } > > clearly carry the notice "Portions copyright 2001 Supplicant", where } > > "2001" is replaced by the year in which the supplicant's question } > > was submitted. } That somewhat contravenes point 7, doesn't it? } } > > 14.  The Oracle guarantees that no harm will come to the } > > supplicant... } No chance. The Oracle would *never* consent to a harm-exclusion clause. } } Now, here is the version as approved the The Internet Oracle: } } SUPPLICANT LICENSE AGREEMENT } ---------------------------- } } 0.  In the following license agreement, the following words mean the } following things: } } The word "supplicant" refers to the sender of the electronic mail } (e-mail) message. } The word "question" refers to all text of the email message, including, } but not limited to, signature, headers and mime information, regardless } of whether an actual question is present. } } 1.  Answering this license agreement dictates your full agreement with } its terms and conditions, and acknowledges that this license agreement } applies to all future questions as well as retrospectively. } } 2.  The supplicant is aware that resubmitted question have a tendency to } annoy the Oracle. He agrees to keep these to the absolute minimum. } } 3.  The supplicant is aware that certain questions (this includes the } woodchuck question, imitations of Steve Wright jokes, questions } concerning long forgotten in-jokes and the null question) are not to be } asked. If he or she does nevertheless, the supplicant does so at his/her } own risk. } } 4.  The supplicant may submit a question in any format / language he } chooses; the Oracle is omniscient. } } 5.  If the supplicant receives the message that "the queue is rather } full", he/she agrees to do an askme immediately following the tellme } from which he or she received said message. } } 6.  The supplicant accepts the Oracle as his/her supreme Authority. This } implies that the supplicant immediately carries out any order the Oracle } might give him or her. } } 7.  The Oracle guarantees that it will not post the supplicants name and } address on alt.bizarr. } } 8.  Any publication of material the supplicant supplied to The Internet } Oracle in form of questions or answers is up to scrutiny by the } independent body that compiles the digests. The supplicant has no right } of publication whatsoever. } } 9.  See 8. } } 10.  If the supplicant receives an answer by the Oracle which he fails } to understand, that's his or her problem. The Oracle is not to blame if } the supplicant fails to meet the high intellectual standards set by the } Oracle. } } 11.  The Oracle guarantees that all questions will be answered, and they } will usually be answered within a period of two (2) workingdays. } } 12.  The supplicant grants unlimited redistribution rights to the Oracle } for the supplicant's questions and answers. Remuneration for publication } will not be paid. } } 13.  Should the Oracle or one of its employees one day master the art of } telepathy or possession, it reserves the right to use it on deserving } supplicants. } } 14.  The supplicant accepts full responsibility for the effect his or } her question has on the Oracle. The supplicant explicitly states that } he/she knows that he/she might get zotted and that this, should this } happen, is entirely his or her fault. The supplicant further accepts } that he or she has no right whatsoever of compensation for harm caused } by the Oracle. Neither have next-of-kin in case the supplicant gets } zotted. } } Please sign here: } } } - - - - - - - - - }   (supplicant) } } We hope you can live with this version of the Supplicant Licence } Agreement. } } Your's truly, } } The Oracle's Legal Department

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most multilingual, > > What is the worst example of mistranslation ever made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Top Ten Possible Outcomes of the SETI at Home Project } } 10) 10,000 years from now Aliens will land on Earth and ask why no }     one got there "We're Coming" message. It is discovered that }     the Aliens had posted it to alt.test and no one saw it. Aliens }     laugh at SETI at Home idea as akin to reading tea leaves. } } 09) Hello! The SETI project is a scam. It is run by the NSA to use }     the massed CPU cycles of the first world to break people's PGP }     passwords via brute force attacks. } } 08) Opps! Sorry, but two years from now the SETI people will announce }     there was a bug in their software and you'll all have to start }     over. } } 07) The major American TV networks will launch a similar project }     in which the world's PC's will be harnessed to cull through }     archives looking for a plot, or even a punch line, they haven't }     used eight hundred times before. } } 05) SETI project is revealed to be part of Intel/Microsoft }     plot to gain access to computers of a segment of the }     population that traditionally not fallen for the free AOL }     account trap. } } 06) Well, if if you're looking for intelligence you won't find it }     among people who pay thousands for the fastest CPUs they can }     get then bog the machines down trying to make sense out of }     background radiation. } } 04) Extra terrestrials are flabbergast to find out when spent years }     analyzing the line noise created by stars they were moving }     around to spell out "Hello humans" in the heavens. } } 03) The home computer of one Penny Beatrice Century of Moreno, }     California churns out the vital link to communicating }     with other-worldly beings. But her husband accidentally }     deletes it trying to hide evidence of all the nudie }     .jpgs he had downloaded the night before. } } 02) JPL probe to find out the pranksters behind the nude photo }     of Uma Thurman painted on the Mars 17 probe also uncovers }     that the same group came up with the SETI at Home screen }     saver hoax. Forty two scientists are fired. } } 01) After decades of work by thousands it is decided the SETI }     at Home project was a well meaning but doomed, pointless }     task. But even it's critics say it gave hope to many and }     thus on the whole was not intricacy evil. } } You owe the Oracle a fish.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why the Oracle always seems to hate me.  I love hatred, > except when I receive it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Blessed supplicant, the Oracle doesn't hate you. The Oracle loves all } his supplicants. Or her supplicants. } } The Oracle is a gentle breeze ruffling your hair on a summer's } day. The Oracle is the laughter of little children. The Oracle is a } warm puppy. The Oracle is the look your beloved gives you when you put } the seat down for the first time. The Oracle is freshly mowed } grass. The Oracle is love, baby, love. The Oracle is every Nobel Peace } Prize winner ever going camping together and holding hands around the } camp fire and singing songs. The Oracle is that bubble, when you're } blowing bubbles, that's just so much bigger than all the others, and } floats off wobbling into the sky and that moment just before it pops } when the colors are the most beautiful, that's the Oracle. } } Now smeg off, goofball. } } You owe the Oracle another beer.