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} Great news! Hercules IS alive today! The Oracle told him to perform
} twelve labors; these Twelve Labors were:
}
} Administer tetanus shots to the lion of Nemea. He strangled it.
}
} Give psychological counseling to the nine-headed Hydra. Two new
} personalities would manifest in the Hydra from each fresh conversation,
} and one was immortal. Hercules put the immortal one under a rock and
} burned the rest.
}
} Take the Ceryneian Hind walkies. After running after it for many
} months, he finally trapped it and killed it by clubbing it to death;
} this is one of the reasons a statue of Hercules always has a club.
}
} Tag the wild boar of Erymanthus, the last of an endangered species.
} After a wild drinking session, Hercules won. The tag was unfortunately
} placed on a lady by the name of 'Missy'.
}
} Clean the Augean Stables of King Augeas. He succeeded only by diverting
} a nearby river to wash the muck away. 400 local villagers were made
} homeless, the dam was constructed of inferior materials and developed
} dangerous cracks shortly after it was finished, and the local fishermen
} were driven out of business.
}
} Build an aviary for the carnivorous birds of Stymphalis. Hercules built
} a giant electric aviary, and set up a carvery restaurant underneath.
}
} Capture the wild bull of Crete. Not only did he capture it, he fed it
} recycled farm slurry, former-chicken protein feed, and fibrous case
} packing bits until it developed BSE. Then he sold it to the Belgians,
} who sold it to McDonalds, who sold it to people who thought, way back
} in the early '90s, that no-one would be stupid enough to use old dairy
} herds for meat.
}
} Capture the man-eating mares of Diomedes. Hercules went to a casino.
} With blackjack. And hookers. Eventually he married a man eating
} cocktail waitress called Lurleen.
}
} Obtain a girdle for Hippolyta, the queen of the Amazons. Hercules
} actually came through on this one, although he wasn't terribly PC about
} it: he was supposed to go and buy her a new one - but instead he just
} got her real toasted and told her she was in no fit state to drive
} home, and he had a spare room, and...well, you get the picture.
} Actually, if you do get the picture, the money is in a safe-deposit at
} Banc Suiss, call number 00939947734TauRho994845. As for Set, he can pay
} his own share for once, just make sure you cut off the side with me,
} Lisa and Kendai on before you publish.
}
} Capture the oxen of Geryon. Another cow related one. This time the
} great buffoon captured some ordinary oxen and put them on 'Jerry
} Springer' - thus the reference to 'meaty moments' on the ad for his
} latest out-takes video.
}
} Take the golden apples from the garden of the Hesperides, which was
} always guarded by the dragon Ladon. Hercules tricked Atlas into getting
} the apples by offering to hold the Earth for Atlas. When he returned
} with the apples, Hercules asked him to take the Earth for a moment so
} he could go get a cider press, "and then the real fun would begin".
} Atlas did so, and Hercules swanked off with the apples (which he never
} delivered to me), but not before punching Atlas in the face a couple of
} times, daring him to hit back, and so on.
}
} Take Cerberus, the three-headed dog of Hades, to the surface world for
} the call of nature. Hercules ate all the food in Hades' fridge, messed
} up all his CD's, put on Hades' favourite suit and got most of Hades'
} beer down it, chipped a lot of Hades' crockery, got Cerberus drunk and
} let him go toilet in Hades' bed, lost Hades' spare set of keys, thumbed
} through all Hades' saucy shots of Persephone and kept the best ones for
} himself, before finally he set up a casino in Hades' living room. With
} blackjack. And hookers.
}
} You owe the Oracle an all-expenses paid hotel penthouse suite so he and
} Hercules and a few close friends can catch up on old times. With
} blackjack. And hookers.
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