Goto:

1206, 1206-01, 1206-02, 1206-03, 1206-04, 1206-05, 1206-06, 1206-07, 1206-08, 1206-09, 1206-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blessed Oracle, you are the answer to my atheist prayers! > Please tell me how to overcome my fears of adequacy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the remote mountain regions of Tibet, there exists a temple so old } that it has only 5 or 6 mortgage payments to go.  It is run by master } Fong Ho Ni, a venerable master of the art of Spanku.  In order to gain } entrance into the study vinyl doors, you must travel to Tamalung on the } Tiagnag river.  There, you will meet an tall dark str... hold on, wrong } page. There you will meet an Arabic man name Tel'Efohn who, for the } price of only a few Yuan, will place a call for you to Chow Yo Tung, } the local yak handler.  Buy one white yak from Mr. Tung.  Ride the yak } to the Yeti National Park and Laundromat, and ask the little girl there } for some sacred coins.  She will ask for the white yak in exchange, but } do not give it to her.  Her mother warned us that she is not allowed to } have any more yaks until she can show that she is able to take care of } the ones she has. }  Yaks are not a plaything and need responsible children to... wait, I am } getting carried away.  She will give you a few coins anyway if you just } let her comb it and put bows in its hair while you are away.  Travel by } foot up the Sacred Crow Mountain until you come to a small garden. } Tend to the garden, because we've been meaning to but the "tellme" } queue has been quite heavy lately.  We'd like the edges trimmed, and if } you could put those flower pots back in the shed and re-coil the hose, } we'd appreciate it.  From there, you will find a small cave marked, } "Fuel," which does not actually contain fuel, but we couldn't think of } a name for the cave, and Lisa found this antique sign at a garage sale. }  In the cave, you will find a jade statue of the sacred Buddha.  Oh, } wait, really? That's where I left it!  All this time, I blamed Zadoc } and his stupid inventory system.  Hey, could you do me a favor?  Could } you pack it up and mail it to our warehouse in Baltimore?  I'd send one } of the other supplicants to get it, but they don't... oh, right, } right... Spanku. Where was I?  Oh yes, the cave of Fuel.  Uh... take } one of the sacred coins, and place it in the acrylic box, and feel free } to take a mint. Now, onto the Temple of Fong Ho Ni!  The cave has a } passageway that curves down sharply.  Go down the stairs, and if the } light is still on, could you turn it off?  I may have left in on when I } was there last week.  You will exit to the center of the mountain, } which is hollow, and contains the temple of Fong Ho Ni.  Lesse... yadda } yadda, hop across the log bridge... yeah yeah... kneel at the sacred } vessel... I think we can skip the parts about the fire traps.  Okay, } now you're in the temple!  Oh, wait, did I mention the golden serpent? } Yes, you should have the golden serpent back where you... oh, man, this } will take ages to explain.  I am sure you could spray paint a rubber } snake, that will be fine.  Insert the serpent's head into the lock, but } beware of the poison spikes!  They're... well, poisonous.  Don't touch } them.  Enter the main hall, and there, before you, will be the Great } Master Fong Ho Ni... unless it's bridge night, then his nephew will be } there.  There, he will laugh at you, because you have not only wasted } time arriving there, but the very fact that you actually read this far } shows that you are gullible, stupid, and at least 10-20 pounds } overweight. } }   Oracle strikes at Supplicant's ego like Ninja!  Boot to the head! } } You owe the Oracle a complete essay describing what that funny little } buzzing noise your car has been making is.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the blankness means to me } Is that the question needs to be. } Whether 'tis forgotten or just not said } Doesn't matter; it's not read. } Is this ponderance far too deep } To risk a reading by the meek? } Or, perhaps, a clever ruse } From the querant and his muse? } A one-line poem? } An endless song? } Worthy of an answer three miles long? } } Is or isn't, blank or not, } I just can't let this one rot. } I've got to answer, got to try, } Have to figure out the how and why. } Perhaps it's a puzzle meant to keep } So I've got to look before I leap. } Or maybe a conspiracy, dire and dark, } To keep me occupied whilst they find the mark! } } Of course!  I'm a fool!  I must make haste! } I've got to rush 'fore it's too late! } Run to the queue for my very life! } The questions must be protected, or else strife! } Send out those askmes, bring in the tells! } No one takes the ... hell's bells! } I'm too late; the queries are gone. } Nothing but blankness left for the throngs } Of incarnations that were more than up to the task } And have received the message, "No questions to ask." } } It wasn't a warning, it wasn't a fluke; } It wasn't a threat from a CIA spook. } It was a message, just that, clear as day, } Telling me, simply, that things fall this way. } The tables have turned, things all reversed, } Now I'm to get on my knees and mutter a curse. } Oh great and mighty Oracle, we beg and we pray } Please send us more questions so that we might say: } } You owe the Oracle some more meter.  I seem to have run out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's that most... wonderful time of the yeeear!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the most wonderful time of the year! } When the cards have pink borders } And florists have orders piled up to the ear... } It's the most wonderful time of the year! } }  There'll be portraits of Cupid }  With ill-scanning, stupid, }  Insipid rhymed couplets to post. }  There'll be parties and mixers }  And well-meaning fixers- }  Up (often the host)! } } It's the most wonderful time of the year! } When you blow all your cash } Buying nougaty trash from the chocolatier... } It's the most wonderful time of the year!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Color-coordinated Oracle, Ye who goes well with anything and > has a color-wheel on his Harley, > > What does one's choice in painkillers tell us about a person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drug               Patient } -----------        ------------------------ } Morphine           Wimp } Vicodin            Junkie } Aleve              Taking too many pills } Nitrous oxide      Works for a dentist } Indomethacin       Has gout } Tylenol            Boring } Tylenol/codeine    Boring junkie } Placebo            Gullible } Ibuprofen          Thinks he's an athlete } Aspirin            Cheapskate } } You owe the Oracle a rush of endorphins.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Graceful supplicants and geeks too bright >     Should twice a day the Oracle praise resound, >     While their boot clad feet bound so tight, >     In MTV measure three times beat the ground. >     I can't relish the Oracle more! > >     How can I get more people interested in you, >     the great and wonderful Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I tell ya babe, it's all about image. } }       I don't know. Look I hired you to try to get me a bit more of }       an audience, and I appreciate all the work you've done, but I }       just can't help to think that all this isn't really "me". } } Orrie, baby, sweetheart. I've been making folks over for years. } All the big names come to me. You think Jerry Mathers, Dawn } Welles, and Chris Cross would be where they are today without } me? Of course not! But before I work miracles, I gotta have trust, } babe. } }       I guess. Can we go over all this again? } } Sure thing, sweetheart. First, we've got the Calendar. } }       I can't believe you talked me into doing this. I'm not sure }       that it's the "All Knowing" image I wanted to project. } } Bubbula, it's showing your playful, fun loving self, besides, } you're *the* topic on Leno, Letterman and Koppel. } }       As their monologue. It was the first time that Koppel even }       did a monologue. } } Sweetheart, it's name! They're giving you name! Then there was } the talk show you did. } }       Ooh, yeah, that didn't go well at all. } } The public loved it babe! You got huge ratings! } }       I reduced half of the panel to ash. } } And trust me babe, when the court cases start hitting the wire, } you'll be bigger than O. J. And of course, we've got the } infomercial. } }       Oh. Yeah. My "infomercial". } } Bubbie, you're still not upset that I got George Foreman to be } in those with you? } }       No, I can understand why you picked him though, those were }       his infomercial. I had, what, six lines in the whole thing? }       And most of them were saying how wonderful his grill is. } } And you were fan-tastic! I told you, it's all about exposure! } }       I thought you said it was all about image. } } Eh, exposure, image, it's all the same thing. Now, let's talk about } doing that mall tour. } }       Uhm, Richard? } } Dick, baby, call me Dick. } }       Oh, frequently. I don't think that this is quite working out. }       I think that I should stick with my quiet little terminal at }       the temple. } } Orrie! Don't chicken out now, things are just getting started! } }       That may be, but I think it's about time for you to start }       dealing with my staff. } } You mean the priests? } }       No, the other one. Can you stand here for a sec? A little more }       to the left. Perfect. Now a big smile for your maker. } } No problem, babe. Say, where's the cam } } You owe the Oracle something to get the burn marks off the floor and } as many copies of that damn calendar as you can find.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Silly Oracle, you aren't there.  You can't be.  I just met a guy on a > cruise ship who claimed to be your brother.  He said you were all a > fake!  If anyone should know, it would be your own brother, right? > > Do you have a fake brother who is telling lies about you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } Erm, young lady... what guys tell you on cruise ships, well, sometimes } it isn't exactly true. } } You owe the Oracle an invite to your baby shower.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, babe, bit of a psych-junta here, help me out, wouldja? > See, it's like this. We're making this film, but the plot > sticks whenever the Daleks have to go upstairs. Now, when you > make them fly or hover or whatever, it puts the spesh budget up > about a million smackers. So, what I'm wondering is, in terms a > dope in a suit like me can understand, what other ways are there > fore daleks to get upstairs? > > Ciao, babe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A million bucks?  For a bit of twine and a pully? } } I suggest you double-check the figures your prop men are giving you. } They're probably skimming a bit off the top.  Twine shouldn't cost any } more than a couple hundred thousand, at most. } } But, you want alternate ways to get upstairs.  Without any further ado, } here's: } } TOP TEN WAYS DALEKS GET UPSTAIRS } } 10.  Use the laser to make the stairs (now rubble) into a }        steep incline. } } 09.  Climb up the side of the building.  It's Spidy-Dalek! } } 08.  One word for you: catapult. } } 07.  Get a wooden plank and a stone.  Place plank on stone. }        Place Dalek on one side of the plank (near the stairs) and }        several people on the other side of the plank.  Use your lever }        to move the Dalek one step at a time.  Add stop-motion }        photography.  He moves like magic! } } 06.  Do a cameo on Star Trek.  Steal their transporter technology. } } 05.  Convince the Daleks to eliminate the ground floor. }        Whatever was so important upstairs is now at a reachable level. } } 04.  Two words for you: cut scenes. } } 03.  Make a miniature house with miniature steps with a miniature }        Dalek inside.  Use a small piece of string.  Shrink down your }        human actors, if you can, to eliminate costs all around. } } 02.  "Daleks do not need humans to get up stairs!  You insult the }         Daleks!  Eliminate!  E-li-min-ate!" } } And the Number One way Daleks get upstairs: } } 01. Take the elevator. } } You owe the Oracle a TARDIS.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, you are the light of seven suns!  You know how to commit > seven sins!  What is the best one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out! } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #1: Pride } }         This is sin number one because Yahweh made the list and }         as far as he was concerned the first Sin was when The }         Prince of Light Lucifer decided he was too bright to }         have to listen to the Old Man. Let's check on Mr. Lord }         of the Flies... } } <ring-ring, ring-ring> } } Satan: Hello? } } Orrie: Hi, Bezzle my ol' Bub it is I, The Oracle. } } Satan: You know something, I'm getting a little tired of being }        dragged in to your answers so often, and almost always }        by phone (why is that?), I have things to do. I am a }        very important and dangerous power, not some stock bad- }        guy for you to conjure up when ever you feel the need. }        STOP CALLING ME! } } <click> } }        That did not go well, though we did establish he's }        a tad too proud. Let's explore another sin... } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #2 Envy: } }        Not be confused with conveting, envy is the desire for }        another's traits, situation or abilities. Hmm, isn't }        that what education is all about? Acquiring new traits }        and abilities to better your situation? Unless you think }        ignorance is bliss then... wait, won't that be wanting }        the state of bliss through the anti-abilty of ignorance? }        Sin #2 makes little or no sense. } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #3 Gluttony; } } [ Oracle glances down at his belly and then looks up sheepishly. ] } }        I'll tell you what is sinful is those health nuts }        that spend all day exercising and eating bran muffins! }        I eat like a pig and look at me! I'm immortal and all }        knowing. Next! } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #4 Lust: } }       The number one use and driving force behind the Internet's }       breakneck expansion is pornography. Far be it from me to }       bite the, erm, hand that feeds me. Look if Yahweh had }       wanted people to be naked they'd be born that way, so }       why fight it? } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #5 Anger: } }        This is a sin, no two ways about it. Why in the world }        people get so mad they want to kill people or argue is }        nuts. Apathy is a far better way to deal with anything. } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #6 Covetousness: } }        This isn't really a sin anymore. Here watch this. } } [ Oracle picks up a remote and clicks on the TV. A commercial }   is playing (surprise!).] } } TV: You must have a turbo-powered Chuck Norris approved Florp(tm)! } } < foxy babes eye some guy with a Florp(tm) and wink at him }   seducatlivly > } } Guy with the Florp(tm): Florps(tms) rock! } }   =SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN=SIN==SIN=SIN=SIN= } } Sin #7 Sloth: } }      Weekends are bad. Leisure time is bad! Back to work you }      dang priests! I want that moat clean NOW! } }      Hmm, yes Sloth is a sin. } }      You call that clean! Back to work the lot of you! } }      This is the 'best' sin. It works for me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and yellow Oracle, please answer this question: > > Will Tom Hanks ever win a Grammy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  You don't -win- Grammies, the fact that you exist, that your }  parents exist presupposed the existence of Grammies and }  Grandpas, at least for the near future. Once humans get a }  handle on DNA manipulation though all bets are off. } }  You owe the Oracle a bald, golden midget.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is both a joker and the joke: > > How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: How many Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: One, there is after all only one Oracle. } } Q: How many Priests does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: One, but when and even if s/he changes it or not are }    dependent on arcane factors no one can fathom. } } Q: How many Lisas does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: Orrie, the lightbulb burned out! } } Q: How many Zadocs does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: Oh great Oracle, is the bulb out? I could not tell }    for you are so bright. } } Q: How many Ogs does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: Small sun no shine? Og sleep now. } } Q: How many supplicants does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: It doesn't matter, as soon as it is changed they'll }    resubmit a request to have it changed again. } } Q: How many incarnations does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: <ZOT>, you didn't grovel. } } Q: How many RHODents does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: You call that bulb out!? Sirrah, only lights that -we- }    say are out are out. DRINK! } } Q: How many lurkers does it take to change a lightbulb? } A: 5 4 1 4 2  3 1 1 3 3