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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most stable Oracle, > > What ever happened to Jack and Jill?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the usual: } } Jill was pregnant by the time they got to the bottom of the hill.  Jack } "did the right thing" and married her.  In the next couple of years } they had two more kids before the divorce. } } Jill is now head of marketing at one of those Dot-COMs in Silicon } Valley.  She's now so rich she could care less that she's lost $500,000 } in her stock options in the last six months. } } Two of the kids are in college (Harvard and MIT) and the other one } spends his days on the same hill where Jack and Jill first met.  It } isn't exactly the same story though since "John and Gilbert" won't have } exactly the same ring to it that "Jack and Jill" did. } } Jack?  Blonds and a Porsche . . . what can I say.  Things are going to } take a turn for the worse for Jack soon though.  Unbeknownst to Jack, } his current blond is only 16 and "Mother" has found out.  The District } Attorney will be paying Jack a visit soon and he'll be doing time in } about 18 months. } } You owe the Oracle a happier ending to his own life.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > The news just reported that NASA's Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous team > have decided to leave their probe on the asteroid Eros instead of > trying to have it take off again. The article on CNN quotes a NEAR > scientist as explaining, "We have no fuel on board, plus or minus 8 > kilograms." > > I'm intrigued by the error range he gives, but it seems to violate > certain laws of physics. But then, I'm no rocket scientist. You, on the > other hand, are rocketry incarnate. Can you enlighten me? > > Thanks, > yr hmbl spplcnt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is simple. } } In space, nobody can here you say "we're out of gas" when you're on a } remote asteroid. } } You owe the Oracle a gas can and 5 gallons of 92 octane.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, here you are: >                                       ._ >                                     ,(  `-. >                                   ,': `.   `. >                                 ,` *   `-.   \ >                               ,'  ` :+  = `.  `. >                             ,~  (o):  .,   `.  `. >                           ,'  ; :   ,(__) x;`.  ; >                         ,'  :'  itz  ;  ; ; _,-' >                       .'O ; = _' C ; ;'_,_ ; >                     ,;  _;   ` : ;'_,-'   i' >                   ,` `;(_)  0 ; ','       : >                 .';6     ; ' ,-'~ >               ,' Q  ,& ;',-.' >             ,( :` ; _,-'~  ; >           ,~.`c _',' >         .';^_,-' >       ,'_;-'' >      ,,~ >      i' >      : > > What's the best way to get all this grease off my scanner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        ;X%@%%%%%XX%%%%%, }                        %  @           .%/ }                        $+/H             =X, }                         .:@M@X,           %; }                           $ :H$+           ;/ }                          ,+=%, -$     ,$%%%%% }                          ;=$   X#@@@@@H }                          $:;   $-.   .+ }                         +;$    $      % }                         %X.   -+    -,X. }                               :H@@@@H@H }                              %/-      :/ }                              %-        $ }                              ,/        =/ }                              /-         $ }                              ::         -/ }                               %          $ }                              =/          -+ }                              ;-           %. }                              :=           ,+ }                              +,            %. }                             ,%             ,+ }                            ,X     ,-        %. }                           .X. -%$%++%$$+=   ,% }                           $.,$/.       .;$/  %, }                          X,:%             -%+,% }                         %-:+                -X$, }                        -/,$                   =; }                        $ ,.                    % }                        $                       $ }                        $                       % }                   ;%;, $                       $ }                   X =+$$                       % }                  /;    $                       + }                 /; =   $ |   |                 +. }               ,$: $,   $ |   | *       |      +. }            .=%%, =;    $ | | | | |-, /-| ^ \ / %  :%$%= }        :%$$+:    =:    $ | | | | | | | ||-| X  $ %;   +: }      .$X,         $    $  V V  | | | \_|\_ / \ $:;     $ }     =$+;          ;;   $                      .+$    ,-%- }    +/=+            +;  %      Fresh PINE      ::%     % $- }   $= $        ,:    ;+ ::    Scent Window     $%$     $  $, }  $,  $--:+$: :X      -  %      Cleaner        % .    .$   X } +-   =+;=.  ;%          %.                   ;=  --=+$.   =; } $          /%           ,+      32 oz.       $  ,;;;,      $ } :$%%%%%$X%$@             %-                 ;/---          $ }            +$%$%/;=-.    ,$$$H@XXXXXXXXXXXX@H%+;%%%%$$%;, ,% }                 ,-:;%%%%%%;;;:---                      -/$X. } } You owe the Oracle a better slice of pizza. The last one was } a bit flat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who has seen every episode of Friends and regrets it > heartily, > > What does TV news people do when they aren't telling Americans > what opinions they should parrot at work the next day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TV news people, what an amazing bunch.  The things they do all day } could fill a book! } } For example, a certain news anchor for..sshhheeee... } *pop*...wwwhieeruiojh...beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep } } [darkness.... interrupted by sudden, overly-loud voiceover...] } } ********  This Oracular Transmission Has Been   ******** } ******** Interrupted Due Technical Difficulties ******** } } ******** We are working on the problem and ******** } ******** hope to resume transmission soon  ******** } } ******** In the meantime, pleas enjoy this rerun of "Friends" ******** } } Joey : And then I offered her a banana! } } [cannned laughter] } } Monica : A banana? } } [cannned laughter] } } Joey : Yes, a banana! } } [cannned laughter] } } Monica : Not an apple? } } [cannned laughter] } } Joey : No, a banana! } } [cannned laughter] } } [darkness.... interrupted again by sudden, overly-loud voiceover...] } } ******** Oracular Transmission Resuming ******** } } ....and so she said, "don't give me that banana!" } } And that's the kind of things they do. } } } You owe the Oracle a better antenna.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> __________________________________ > Get free, instant, reliable email from Hespo! > Choose from a variety of domain names. > Sign up at www.server's-down.com today! > Also available at www.snailpace.com and > www.exorbitantfees.com. > > ________________________________________________________________ > GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO! > Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less! > Join Juno today!  For your FREE software, visit: > http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who ordered the double helping of spam?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OOraclesowisewogreatpleasetellmeandtellmefast: > > I have heard that the pen is mightier than the sword. They are at the > door, so how do I use my pen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, it's three against one.  You'll have to be quick, but that's } where the pen has such a huge advantage over the sword, so you should } be all set. } } First, draw a big arrow on the floor pointing away from you, and label } it like this: }                           |\ }                           | \ } -------------------------+  \ } | HE WENT THATAWAY           > } +------------------------+  / }                           | / }                           |/ } } When they come in through the door, the lieutenant (who's rather } gullible, and will believe anything) will read this and immediately go } off in the direction the arrow points.  Now there are only two left. } } Next, take one of those sticky name tags and write on it: } } +------------+ } |   HELLO    | } | MY NAME IS | } |            | } | John Smith | } +------------+ } } Affix it to your lapel.  The leader will read it, realize that you } aren't the one they're after, and leave you alone. } } That just leaves Garg, who's none too swift, and never mastered his } ABC's. As he raises his sword over his head for a powerful, } decapitating stroke, simply dash up to him and ram the pen through his } eyeball into what passes for his brain.  Problem solved. } } And finally, since I know your mother always had to remind you, } remember to write a nice thank-you note to the person who helped you } through this situation. } } That pen *does* have black or blue-black ink, doesn't it?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Truthful Oracle, Touchstone of Veracity and a Bleak Belt > Beagle Scout with an Oaken Cluster, > > How many times do I need to check the coffee pot and > iron before I leave for work in the morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Checking the iron and the coffee pot is very important. Otherwise they } can burn your house down. So first you need to turn off the iron when } you're done ironing your shirt. Once you've put the shirt on check the } iron to make sure it is turned off (you know how that switch sticks } sometimes and you think its off but it really isn't). then go make some } coffee. Better check the iron again, should it still be this hot? } Unplug it just to be sure. Is the coffee done? Good, pour a cup and } turn off the coffee pot. Finish getting dressed and check the iron } again to see if it has cooled down. Oops, that plug is still sitting } there near the outlet. Better move it away. You never know, it might } still be connected somehow and then the iron will get too hot and burn } the house down. Drink some coffee, check to make sure the pot is off. } You know, you'd better wrap the cord around the iron so you won't } accidentally trip over it. Hmm, should the iron still be this warm? Its } turned off and unplugged right? You should move it away from that pile } of clothes. Don't want them to get too warm and catch fire and burn the } house down. Finish getting ready for work have a bit more coffee. The } pot turned off right? Yipe! should the coffee still be this hot? Better } unplug the coffee maker. Rinse out the thermos and pour the rest of the } coffee into it. Uh oh, can you put the empty carafe back on the hot } coffee maker? That'll make it get too hot and crack won't it? Better } set it on the counter. No! Wait! That'll scorch the counter top! Put it } on the stove instead. The stove is turned off right? It should be, you } didn't use it at all this morning. Better check to be sure. Ok, its } off. Is the coffee pot unplugged? And turned off? Good, head for the } door. You really need to check the iron one last time. Ok, its pretty } cool now. Check the stove to make sure ALL the burners are off. Feel } them the make sure, (because sometimes those knobs stick and you think } they're off but they're not.) And the coffee pot is off? And unplugged? } Better move that plug away from the outlet. Good, NOW you're ready to } leave the house. Got your keys? Hate to see you get locked out of the } house. In your pocket right? Yes? You sure? Better get them out just to } be sure.... } } You owe the Oracle a question that doesn't hit quite so close to home.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > please forgive the lack of adequate grovel, but time is of the utmost > importance. > > Today is my 15th wedding anniversary, and I have forgotten to buy a > present, or even a card, for my wife. She will be picking me up from > work in 15 minutes, > and there are no suitable retailers nearby. > > What should I do ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Run down to the corner and buy her some junk, literally, as in heroin. } } Don't look so stunned. Heroin is part of the New Trendy Wedding gifts } of the 2000s... check it out: } }         Wedding Gifts for the New Millennium } }           old                        new } -----------------------+---------------------------------------- }  1st: paper                  rewrite prenuptial }  2nd: cotton                 his and her boxer shorts }  3rd: leather                Kevlar(tm) }  4th: fruit                  marijuana }  5th: wood                   Viagra(tm) }  6th: iron                   microwave }  7th: copper                 bodyguard }  8th: rubber                 vasectomy }  9th: pottery                potty trained cat } 10th: tin                    trn } 11th: steel                  security bars for windows } 12th: silk                   velvet painting of Elvis } 13th: lace                   mace } 14th: ivory                  Dove(tm) } 15th: crystal                heroin } 20th: china                  Taiwan } 25th: silver                 Tonto } 30th: pearl                  perl } 35th: jade                   plant } 40th: rubies                 ted's } 45th: sapphire               hell, no one's married this long } 50th: gold                   haha, yeah right 50 years what a crock } 55th: emerald                Oz } 60th: diamond                drill bit } } You owe the Oracle something mold, something blown and } something gnarled.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most incremental: > > I must admit I do take note > As each digest gathers votes > I like to watch the digits change > Not caring that some find this strange. > > But now I'm scared, my fear is mounting > I find myself Oracle counting > At work, at home, in real life > I'm confusing the kids, I'm scaring the wife! > > "How many eggs?" "Give me c", I say, > and "My daughter turned h today" > And then I lie awake and fret > "What's after Z? Do we know yet?" > > I just drove J in a p zone, > Baskin-Robbins has v flavors for a cone, > Oh Oracle please tell me, is there any cure? > Signed, with K thanks, I am your: > > Supplicant > > P.S. And I just realized it's getting worse > I can only communicate in verse!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most demential: } } I'll have to answer you in verse } To stop this thing from getting worse. } } -- Oracle } } About this malady of your } I think that I might have a cure. } Grab yourself an ice cream cone, } Sit down relax, get in the zone. } } You're not beyond salvation yet } Don't lie awake, you needn't fret! } I have your answer right today: } Simply undo the things you say! } } Try to not concern your wife } Simply, just take back your life. } Start at Z, begin "un" counting, } Count down the numbers, (excitement mounting!) } } Soon you'll not be quite so strange, } It won't take long to make the change. } And when this one comes up for vote } You owe a 5, (take special note.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most clever, who can always find the TV remote, > > What would the movie "Dr. Billgates, or How I Stopped Worrying And > Learned To Love The Bug" be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It'd be like 2 hours of looking at a blue screen that says: Movie has } violated system integrity. } } You owe the Oracle a lame Frenchman.