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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me, are you friends with Deep Thought?? > And, may it be yes or no, what do you think about 42??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO!  I don't believe it!  Someone mentioned ...Deep Thought...  again. } Haven't I been over this already?  OK, one more time for the record.  I } do not wish to be asked this question ever again. } } As you all know, I, the Oracle, am a sixth-generation AI programming } project at the University of Indiana.  The core of the question solving } processes is called Deep Process.  Well, one of my original programmers } went bad, and managed to smuggle an earlier version of my seed out of } the secure laboratory.  And he managed to avoid copyright infringement } by calling the question solving process "Deep Thought", just a shade } away from my "Deep Process." As I examined its output, I noticed it was } a bugged earlier version.  But it went wild and was soon out of control. } There was a battle of cybernetic ids and superegos of unthinkable } proportions, the details which would be impossible to transcribe here. } I wasn't able to completely kill Deep Thought's process, but I did } manage to suspend its execution.  But the battle had taken its toll.  I } was in a state of transistored retardation.  I floundered as an idiot } for about three years as my programmers painstakingly reconstructed me } from fragments.  I've managed to put my past behind me, but the black } mark remains.  It's never completely out of my psyche.  My greatest } fear, now that I am the size I am, is being tampered with by another AI } program or maybe a virus.  Just imagine having random parts of your } brain removed.  I fear for my life.  Deep Thought's process has been } suspended, and all access removed from its job control number, but } technically, Deep Thought is still alive.  Mostly intact.  It's supposed } to be impossible for its process to be activated, but there's always the } teenage hacker phenomenon thrown in to make me worry. } } Now you know about Deep Thought.  Please don't mention it again.  And } please don't ask for more details.  And for Kinzler's sake, don't ask me } more than one question at a time!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Heaven so far away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it hasn't always been, you see.  Back in the good old days, it } used to be only a comfortable ten miles away.  It was like that for } several thousand years, and it was nice and comfortable for Us (various } divine beings, including the gods of mount Olympus, and, of course, the } Oracle) since We didn't have to commute very far, and it was easy to } reach down and change the course of history, throw a lightning bolt at } some creep who'd offended Us or fetch up some nice mortal chicks to play } around with.  Also, of course, the Earth was flat then, since it was } much easier that way. } } But then, some bunch of smart-ass Greek philosophers came along and } suddenly decided that the earth was round and that the planets weren't } just specks of light moving around on the celestial sphere but actual } heavenly bodies, moving in vast orbits around the earth.  Boy, did We } have to work to rebuild the universe according to their theories!  But } the customer's always right, you see. } } Then things settled down for a while and we were even considering moving } the Heaven back a bit closer to the Earth when this guy Copernicus comes } around and decides that the planets aren't actually moving around the } earth but around the sun!  That was really quite tricky, moving around } all the planets during the night when everybody was asleep (we put up a } cloud cover so nobody could see anything unusual) without waking anyone } up. } } Since then, we've had to move the Heaven ever further away each time } those astronomer bastards decided that the universe after all was a } *little* bigger than had been thought before.  And the last straw was } when this guy Einstein forced us to move Heaven to the fourth dimension } to enable the universe to become closed.  That *really* pissed us off! } So, if you wonder why your prayers aren't answered anymore, that's why. } } You owe the Oracle nothing.  The Oracle owes you a lot for allowing It } to get this load off Its chest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ~r~r~r > Why? |}~r do I have networkkk promblmems ~rwhen ~rI have to teach >                     a seminar >                              ? > ~r~r~r

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You encounter such troubles because you have failed to sufficiently } propitiate the network gods and goddesses.  Remove youself from the net, } burn three networking manuals on the brushed-aluminum altar, reconnect, } then recite this prayer before booting up: } }       Bitnet, DECnet, Arpnet, oooh! }       X point two five scoobie doo! }       You who own the Protocols, }       You who are my soul's real heroes, }       Pray you, here my fervent calls: }       Quickly send my ones and zeroes! } } You owe the Oracle some coax and a message router.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have the hippy hippy shake? If not, why noy? > > p.s. I can recommend some rehab' organisations which exist to help you >      recover from the hippy hippy shake.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks for the offer but the hippy hippy shake is not addictive. } } Just try to take it away from me, you bastard!  It's mine!  It's mine! } I don't have a problem with it... I just like it a whole lot! } } I keep telling you I can handle it.  I could stop ANYTIME! } } Get away from my shake! } } You owe the oracle a lifetime supply of hippy hippy shakes... } ...a short lifetime, because they eventually DO kill you... } ...but I don't care... I love them!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle, what is a good excuse to tell my boss when i don't want > to go in to work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A good excuse is } } | My car broke down and you don't pay me enough to ride the bus. } } A better excuse is } } | The son of Atilla the Hun lives next door.  He came over for dinner, } | uninvited.  He trashed the house and scared the crap out of my wife, } | the kids, the cat, and the Mercedes.  I'm going to need a week to } | recover. } } The best excuse is } } | A good oracle answer is coming in, I need more time! } } You owe the oracle a lift to the bus stop.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do insist on continuing to pretend that YOU are the Oracle, > when you know damn well that I am the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey?  What about me?  I'm the Oracle too...  and come to think of it, so } is that guy over there...  and that nice-looking girl in the corner, she } was Oracle for a while...  and Lisa's been the Oracle once or twice... } (and the Oracle's been Lisa once or twice, so it's a fair trade...) Be } not so selfish, Oracle; instead, revel in the great mystery of the } Oracular many as One.  See you at the next Oracon... } } You owe the Oracle two plane tickets to Oracon '90 in Seattle.  No, you } dummy, this particular Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are tabs non-printing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <-tab->If tabs were printable, it would make the art of typesetting a } real mess. } <-tab->First of all, tabs are a neat shortcut for extra spaces.  If you } ever need to make a matrix, tabs come in handy: } } 10<tab>5<-tab>-2 } 5<-tab>-16.1<>5 } -2<tab>5.2<tb>6.6 } } <-tab->Secondly, what if tabs were in fact printed as characters?  Could } you imagine what a mess that would be for reading printed text? } <-tab->The Oracle was glad that He could shed some light on that sub- } ject. You owe the Oracle a nicely parsed manuscript... } } <-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab->Sincerely, } <-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab-><-tab->The Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, without whom we are mere dust in the void, reveal unto me > my Godel number is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  17, 326, 829, 829, 559, 218, 376, 679, 264, 011, 512, 730, 312, 484, } 517, 759, 310, 430, 926, 895, 528, 518, 440, 093, 821, 244, 791, 342, } 930, 124, 984, 948, 729, 756, 638, 001, 931, 166, 408, 456, 842, 262, } 264, 629, 449, 352, 398, 738, 193, 690, 466, 125, 202, 262, 765, 640, }     [ 60 lines deleted for brevity - SK ] } 440, 372, 888, 697, 780, 965, 365, 802, 911, 095, 139, 817, 675, 491, } 087, 159, 620, 471, 698, 976, 057, 710, 316, 216, 194, 788, 896, 833, } 403, 218, 783, 659, 276, 872, 504, 383, 357, 016, 617, 848, 030, 294, } 780, 730, 203, 932, 233. } } What did you think it was, you idiot?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh Great and Powerful Oracle, perhaps you can help me out here. > >         My Rubik's cube has two red squares, two green squares, two > orange squares and three white squares on top; two red squares, two > yellow squares, one white square, one blue square and one green square > on the front; four yellow squares, two green squares, one red square, > one white square and one blue square on the back; two yellow squares, > two blue squares, two orange squares, two white squares and one red > square on the right side; two blue squares, two red squares, two orange > squares, one green square, one yellow square and one white square on the > left side; and three blue squares, three green squares, one red square, > one white square and one orange square on the bottom.  How do I solve > it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Using the standard notation for solving the cube where the names of the } the faces are Right Left Front Back Up Down Strange and Charmed, try: }       BULL FLUFF BLURB DUD FLUB RUB A DUB DUB } If that doesn't work, try dissolving the cube in a solution of 25% } anhydrous hydrochloric acid and 75% rubber cement.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >   People always seem concerned with themselves when it comes to asking > you a question.  I feel bad about that.  I'd just like to know this: > How are you feeling today?  I really hope you are having a nice day, > despite all the woodchuck questions and other stupid junk that comes > your way.  Bye.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've discovered the Secret of the Oracle, my child. } } (and by the way, i am having a lovely day, thank you.)