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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I have forgotten how to grovel.  Once I was good at it, but > constant exposure to your magnelephant mind and omniscient Omniscience > have drained away my creative juices and whatever else it was that I > used to put into my better grovels.  So here I am, as useless as the > third elevator in a building that doesn't have a top floor, unable > to form a good simile or even a good smile. > > Please give me some good grovel hints.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              -= The Ten Rules of Groveling =- } } Rule #1: A grovel is -not- mandatory. Any incarnation that }          blasts you for not groveling is a luser. } } Rule #2: ThinK "amusing". I need a laugh too. "You are wiser }          than 800 sober leprechauns minutes before the beer }          kegs are tapped" catches my attention and makes me }          smile. } } Rule #3: If your grovel goes with the question it is esthetically }          pleasing. "Wise Oracle whose intellect towers above }          mere mortals' like a majestic redwood tree housing a }          bald eagle's eyrie above a dead fern covered with }          diseased blood sucking wood ticks" works for a question }          about shrubbery. } } Rule #4: Don't mention The Oracle's body parts or fluids. }          IN PARTICULAR I get so many grovels that mention }          my toenail clippings it is creepy. There is a }          difference between debasing yourself and groveling. }          I don't want to read about your musings about Oracle }          armpit sweat, that's gross not a grovel. } } Rule #5: Using the same grovel over and over again is a good }          idea if you're boring. I know to zot anything that }          starts "Wise Oracle who always knows where the remote }          is" on sight. You'd think Mr. F***** would learn, but }          Noooooo. } } Rule #6: There is no rule number six. See, even though you }          knew that was coming it didn't bug you. Likewise }          "Oracle most Wise" is fine as a grovel. People }          find comfort in predictability. } } Rule #7: Counter psychology is not a good idea. You don't }          like being threatened or abused, neither do I. }          "Answer this now and no one gets hurt" is not }          a good grovel. } } Rule #8: Don't make your grovel too long. Three lines is }          pushing it. I do the jokes. You're the straight man. } } Rule #9: As always; SpeLcheK and poofred yur werk.?. } } Rule #10: There is no need to wait for me to ask for a }           tribute. If you wish to show up and give me }           a dump truck full of uncut rubies even before }           asking your question I will not complain. } } You owe the Oracle a hard copy of this taped to your } refrigerator.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is weird, Oracle, o marvelous specimen of supreme wisdom that you > are...  my new wireless phone works great, except when I'm at home. Is > it supposed to be that way?  If so, why doesn't it do that at the Post > Office, where the bill gets sent to my PO box?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, apparently you've signed up for the "Everywhere But Here" plan, } which is common to those who don't read the fine print. } } The premise behind such a plan is actually quite simple: you purchased } a cell phone because you wish to be reached at all times, even in the } middle of the night after you've had three too many drinks and a crisis } emerged which you don't really think is a crisis but this is what you } picked the bloody thing up for anyway so you might as well answer it, } and do so in a hurry because it's almost shunted over to voice mail and } hello there herman what seems to be the problem today don't you guys } sleep? } } Rather than have -that-, which makes a lot of customers cancel their } service, many cell phone companies have decided that a person's home is } their castle.  As such, home should be the one place where, if someone } wants to reach you, they have to call your land-line.  In the modern } age of cell phones, pagers, e-mail and pretty much everything } electronic, this option never even occurs to most folks, and so you're } able to be left alone -- and, heaven forfend, actually missed -- when } you're home. } } As the saying goes: "Necessity is one phone, Utility is two, luxury is } three, and paradise is none." } } You owe the Oracle a day -- no, make that a week without a single ring } of a phone.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi.. Can you tell  me what the best format is  to send a photo by email > is.. I was told to convert photo's to JPEGs but those seem to be really > big.. is zipping the best thing to do or is there an extension I don't > know about that is best.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Internet Oracle reaches for the Xanax, the Prozac, and a glass of } Bushmills, and downs several of each, followed by a few deep, calming } breaths. "We were all newbies once", reads the sign on the wall.] } } If you must email a photo, convert it to a jpeg, then use an image } editing program (like GIMP) to crop and size it. Zip it after that to } get it even smaller.  Don't send it unless the recipient knows it's } coming. } } Even nicer, don't email the photo at all. Sign up for, and then upload } it to some free web space  and just email them the url. } } [A nerve in the Oracle's cheek (I'm not saying which cheek) is starting } to twitch a little faster.] } } If you don't know how to do any of the above, then don't send the damn } photo until you learn. } } [Several of the priests eye the Oracle nervously, and start backing } away.] } } And tell me, please tell me, that you possess, use, and regularly } update your virus software. And that you don't forward email without } trimming all the previous email addresses. And that you don't } automatically forward every last stupid joke, urban legend, and fake } virus alert THAT ENTERS YOUR FREAKIN' MAILBOX! } } [A sudden flash of light and fire illuminates the temple, charring the } walls, furniture, and any priests with an insufficiently fast reaction } time. A sign stating "The Oracle is on a short, temporary vacation; } please check back again later" is discreetly placed on what's left of } the desk.] } } You owe the Oracle more patience with novices.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  q?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Decompress question: } Oh marvellous and wondrous Oracle who sees and knows all } including the really nifty words that mean all-seeing and } all-knowing that escape me right now... } } I have this question but I'm not sure if I should ask it. } It's not like, a QUESTION capital Q through N, not even really } a Question but simply a relatively small question. You know? } Should I ask the question? } } Uncompressed answer: } Yes, I know and more, I know that you know that I know the question } you really wanted to ask but didn't. Unfortunately, I can't answer } that question even though I know the question and I know that you } want me to answer that question and not this question because, well, } you asked this question instead. } } You owe the Oracle the question. } } Compressed answer: } a.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SOOOO Zadoc has slipped off with his brother zodac to conspire with > woodchucks against YOU again.. > LONG LIVE THE WOODCHUCK QUESTION!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, well Zadoc also always castles too early. Absolutely, no sense } of strategy. Zilch. Take this woodchuck thing for example, it turns } out he's been allied with the woodchuks for almost 10 years and he's } like all "look at me, I'm a conspiracy expert, I'm a gonna-mess-you-up } Oracle no-man the whole time you thought I was your yes-man." } } Sigh... he's almost no fun when they play the game like this so I'll } make it little bit more interesting by letting you in on a little } secret plan I've been working on for oh, say the last hundred and } fifty years called oh... global warming. } } Yep, my fault about the car and the factories and coal plants spewing } out ozone destroying chemicals. Just a few well placed telegraphs } and the whole thing was set in motion and let me tell you in fifty } years being a woodchuck with a fur coat provided by mother nature is } going to be pretty miserable. Throw in melting polar ice caps and the } increase in mismanagement of woodlands and you know how much woods } going to be left around for chopping? About zero. } } Who's laughing now Zadoc? Sure things will be a bit miserable for } humanity but then again that's why I decided to conspire with the } dolphins instead. } } You owe the Oracle a nice log cabin, the value on those babies is goin' } through the roof soon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle wise and kind, > > If I eat some vegetables will I really get a desert?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you eat enough of them, definitely.  However, it's faster if you } burn them, as is being done in Brazil. } } You owe the Oracle a prequel to Time Bandits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle with shiny teeth and clean ears, > > Why do some birds and some tortoises live longer than humans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well let's compare the lives of these beings: } } Birds/Tortoises                   Humans } ----------------------------      ----------------------------- } A life of ease swimming or        A life of ease driving to work } flying anywhere they want.        in traffic jams with Bubba and }                                   his road rage to work to pay }                                   taxes to avoid the IRS. } } Poachers and hunters.             The CIA and the IRS. } } As much privacy as the            The FBI and its Carnivore } Discovery channel allows          system, and the NSA with } them.                             Eschelon.  Along with a slew of }                                   private investigators, lawyers, }                                   papparazzi, and the IRS. } } Wondering when the bigger         The IRS could audit any day now. } bird or tortoise will eat } them. } } So, as you can see, the reason that some birds and tortoises live } longer is because of the IRS.  Those that don't live longer generally } make a trip near the IRS's main office. } } You owe the Oracle $10,237.94 in back taxes plus penalties.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle, > > How does a hydrogen bomb differ from a human?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's consult the Encyclopaedia Oracular, shall we? } } Hmmm......Horatio, Philosophies of......Hippogriffs.....Humpback } Whales, Mating Practices of.... } } Ah, here it is. } } Hydrogen Bomb } } * Can come in different shapes and sizes } * Often Tested by their Creators in a desert } * Have vast potential for widespread destruction } * Elementally composed of atoms } * Prone to lash out in violent ways } * Horrible results if dropped from a plane } * Require humans to reproduce } * Made drastic changes to the landscape of Japan } * Feared by most other lifeforms } * Generally regarded as an indiscriminate bringer of destruction } * Often play vital role in technothriller books/movies } * Not allowed to be sold on E-Bay } * Most nations have more than they can safely handle } * Considered by many to be an example of the failure of Science } * Can be highly unstable } * Actually fairly easy to create more, but why would you want to? } } Interesting... Moving on...... } } Humans } } See:  Hydrogen Bombs } } As you may have already surmised, a hydrogen bomb differs from a human } in the spelling. } } You owe the Oracle an MP3 of "You Dropped the Bomb on Me (Baby)."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most ancient and wise, > > What are the 11 most intelligent questions that you've > ever been asked by supplicants? > > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail. > http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 11) Do you Yahoo!? } 10) How much wood could a w..dch..k chuck if a w..dch..k }     could chuck wood? } 09) How can I get so-so to go out with me? } 08) What is life? } 07) [ various Steve Wright jokes i.e. Why do we drive on }       parkways and park on driveways? ] } 06) What are the 11 most intelligent.... } } ARGH! I can.not.go.on.must.stop.must.resist.such.an.obvious. } attempt.to.get.in.digests.with.a.formula.based.best.of.list. } } Snap out of it Orrie! I AM A Professional. } } Actually, your question for all its transparent nature } overlooks the fact that people quit looking for intelligence } here years ago. The TV generation wants entertainment and } not information. Heck, we rarely get questions anymore, just } weird phrases like "MY CAP LOCK BROKE OH NO I PANIC!". What } pray tell does that tells us about the supplicant? } } Sigh. } } Okay, I'll lie. Here are 11 (ohh, tricky! Not ten!) } intelligent questions I've gotten. } } 11) I Love Lucy, do you? } 10) Where's the beef? } 09) Got milk? } . } . } [ fade to black ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't care what John Cage says, this isn't music.