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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, > > Will the rodents ever realize they are no longer relevant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hopefully, after the dismal failure of their last album, they've gotten } the hint. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Motley Crue episode of Behind the } Music.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > Your Wisdom is like grapes on the vine of life, > except less likely to end up all squishy and infested with little fruit > flies > > What is the scariest thing that you have ever done ? > > --- > The Humble Supplicant. > Asking dumb questions for over a decade.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: No doubt about that, installing Priest-cams. The }         horror, the horror. } } [ The Oracle rocks back in his chair and aims a remote at }   the screen hanging from a bracket on the wall. He clicks }   the remote.] } } Priest_cam_13: Zadoc's Cell } }   A stark little room of gray stone, a spartan desk }   and chair made of rough hewn logs, a bed, well a }   stone shelf actually, covered with straw and a }   coarse wool blanket... under which seems to be, }   well, Zadoc. The blanket is moving, rhythmically. } } <click,click,click,click> } } Priest_cam_17: Priest's Commissary } }   Long dark tables in a room lit by dim bulbs hanging }   from thread-bare wires. At one table sits Brother }   Stenor across from Brother Xof. They are playing }   Gin Rummy. There are using food stamps as money to }   bet with. < click: ZOOM IN > Brother Xof is cheating. } } <click,click> } } Priest_cam_19: Priestess' Locker room } }   Sister Fungaroli is pumping 180 pounds on the bench }   press. Sister Julsy is thrashing a punching bag with }   a lethal combination of jabs and devastating upper cuts. }   In the background Sister Caramia is fencing with Sister }   Alyce. On the wall a lip-stick covered poster of Fabio. }   <click: ZOOM IN> The shower room is blocked by a sheet }   on which is scrawled: "Bad Orrie!" in Lisa's handwriting. } } <click,click,click,click> } } Priest_cam_23: Priest Locker room } }    Empty hollow echoing room, the floor of which is thick }    with cigarette butts. } } <click,click,click,click,click,click> } } Priest_cam_29: Priest work cubicles. } }   A bank of high end computers, nearly everyone }   of them manned by priests. <click: ZOOM IN> Screen shows }   Quake III Arena, map Q3dm7. A shotgun wielding Brother }   Noe is chasing a gauntlet armed Brother Lawrence down }   the steps towards the lightening gun, which materializes }   just as Brother Lawrence gets there, then =KABOOM= }   Brother Gallatin drops a grenade on top of the two }   other priests rendering them into giblets. } } <click,click> } } Prieist_cam_31: Lisa's Room } }  [ The Oracle turns towards the supplicant's monitor }    and points the remote control out at you. ] } } <click> } }   [ fade to black ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Groovy Ghod - Oh Magnificent Mound of Miracles... > > So far I've got: > Great Caesar's Ghost, Achille's Heel, Damocle's Sword, > Jason's Argonaut and Pandora's Box... > > Now - what are *you* going to donate to the Church Jumble Sale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! I've been waiting for this moment! You have no idea } the amount of rubbish I have in my attic. Junk supplicants } send me -instead- of the tribute I asked for and all... } } [ Oracle stands, rips off his robe to reveal he is wearing }   a pair of work pants, boots and a black tee shirt under- }   neath. He winks at you. ] } } Work clothes, white robes attract dirt like you won't } believe. } } [ Oracle tromps out into the hall and turns left. He }   pulls a key out of his pocket and then stops at a }   dusty wooden door, which he opens. Up some creaky }   steps and the Oracle has led us to his attic... }   boxes on top of boxes, cobwebs, a water cooled }   Vickers, a t-rex skull, the obligatory dress }   form, and a moth eaten stuffed Yeti. He opens }   a box marked "Okayed by Lisa to toss".] } } Here we go, check it out. } } [ He holds up a ridiculously small pair of flannel }   sleepwear covered with pictures of half-eaten }   mice. ] } } The cat's pajamas. } } [ The Oracle lifts up a sad looking rabbit made out }   of lint holding a cigar. ] } } A dust bunny from under Freud's bed. } } [ Next he hefts a faded yellow, badly mangled, squeaky }   bathtub toy shaped like a mallard, but with wooden }   shoes over its webbed feet. ] } } Han's Christian's ugly duckling. } } [ The Oracle grin's wildly as he pulls out a baggie full }   of small rings with tiny skull shaped bells on them. ] } } Dead ringers. People wear them when buried to use } to signal for help if buried prematurely. } } [ In rapid succession he pulls out a candle burnt at }   both ends, the short end of a stick, an easy piece }   of cake, someone's goat, a sleeping dog, an expandable }   mole hill, a bloody grindstone with a bit of mustache }   stuck to it, and then a huge rodent that is obviously }   just waiting to do something, anything, right now. ] } } An eager beaver. } } I'll leave this box with Og by the backdoor, When can you } come pick this stuff up?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hark, Oracle, you are in tune with nature and science equally, > > How can I remove this curse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, that's easy, dear supplicant! } } First, you have to put that enormous ruby back in the eyesocket of that } statue of Horus where you got it in the first place. } } Then-- what's that? Yes, I know the curse didn't hit until /after/ you } got home from Egypt. Sorry, but you'll have to go all the way back. And } no, it won't work if you ship it there and have someone else put it } back in. Has to be you. Plus, there's a few other things you have to do } there. } } Give me a call when you get there, and I'll walk you through the rest } of the steps. } } <Time passes.> } } Hello again, supplicant! } } Now, the first thing to do is turn the arm of the statue } counterclockwise three times. Right, just like that. } } Then, put the statue back in the sarcophagus, close the lid firmly, and } lock it with the scarab-shape key. } } Right, now pull that lever over there on the wall. The grey one with } the funny cross-hatches. } } Hear that low rumbling? You're almost there! Now, all you have to do is } drop your lit torch down that chute in the wall next to the levers. } } What? You don't have one? I didn't tell you? Oops. Well, I hope you } find one fast, supplicant. If you don't drop a torch or something else } burning down there in the next minute, the ceiling is going to fall } down. } } What do I suggest? Well, I suppose if you were to offer me some sort of } suitable tribute-- } } That will do nicely! Zadoc! ZAAAAAADOOOOOOOC! Fire up the transspatial } dislocator, there's a good toady. } } What was that, supplicant? The ceiling is starting to crumble } /already/? Deary me. Well, the mechanism is quite old. } } Zadoc! Hurry up with-- } } Oh, yuck. Um, never mind, Zadoc. } } You owe the Oracle a better sense of timing, once you reincarnate.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderful Counselor, Mighty Oracle, Netizen Everlasting, > > Where can I get a nice "Cornerstone of Third Temple" tee-shirt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you can find those Allah over the place.  Ha ha ha. } } What did you expect?  You stroll into MY temple, toss off a lame } grovel, and then go asking about some other Temple?  And not only that, } but the Temple you ask about doesn't even exist, except as 4 tons of } marble riding around Jerusalem in a flatbed truck. And what about the } proposed location... Temple Mount? Temple "Mount*??? I got yer Temple } Mount right here. } } And I'll tell you something else-- Allah *and* Yahweh are both getting } mightily cheesed off about the behaviour of some you mortals. At the } last potluck, it was all they could talk about, especially after a few } glasses of that "say goodbye to Mr. Brain Cell" beverage that Dionysus } calls "wine". Buddha finally got them calmed down with one of his } meditation tapes, but let me tell you, ya'll were pretty close to the } "end of days" right there, and it wasn't going to be particularly } rapturous for anybody, if you get my drift. } } "Cornerstone of the Third Temple" my Aunt Fanny. How about "Cornerstone } of Not Murdering Each Other Over Stupid Ancient Prophesies That Never } Made Any Sense And Were Probably a Joke In The First Place". } } Yeah, yeah, I know-- that'll never fit on a tee-shirt. } } You owe the Oracle a new axe to grind, this one's pretty much worn } down.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most apt and effulgent, > > Does insight just occur as the results of accumulating > enough information or is something else needed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you need to understand that insight can occur in the } complete absence of information.  Without information, it's still } possible to have insights such as, "I'm cold," or "Relieving myself } on an electric fence is unpleasant."  However, you will note that } these insights tend to be somewhat uninspired, to say the least. } With additional information, more insights are possible; for example, } "The cheese has gone bad," or "Hitting myself repeatedly in the } head with a hammer is painful."  Add lots of information, and you } can come up with insights like "My boss is a big fat dootyhead." } But I can see that you're interested in more than that.  You want } the kind of insight that rarely falls to the lot of ordinary humans. } And for that, you need... } } [drumroll] } } The INSIGHT-O-MATIC!!!!!!! } } Yes, the patented Insight-O-Matic can answer any question and turn even } the dullest person into a fountain of wisdom!  The Insight-O-Matic } includes a massive database containing the collected history and } philosophy of the entire human race from thousands of possible } timelines, as well as our unique Complete Linguistic Interpolation and } Complilation Heuristics Engine (C)(R)(TM)(ETC), which can produce } everything from witty one-liners to massive meditations on any } subject you can imagine!  Guarenteed to be stunningly intelligent } and completely plagarism-free for 30 days from date of purchase! } (Please allow 31 days for delivery.)  But don't take my word for it } -- see for yourself how this amazing machine works!  I have here a } number of questions submitted by ordinary people just like you from } around the country.  Let's try a few of them and see just how amazing } the Insight-O-Matic really is! } } > Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? } } [long pause] } } } A: I refuse to answer on the grounds that that is a really bad joke. } } Okay, let's try another one. } } > Q: What is the Meaning of Life? } } [longer pause] } } } A: Forty-two. } } Hm, this isn't going quite as well as I'd hoped for.  Let's see...  ah, } here's a good one! } } > Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } > wood? } } [very long pause] } } } A: A fatal exception 0E has occurred at 0028:c0029356 in VXD VFAT(01) } } + 0000798E.  The current application will be terminated.  Press any } } key to terminate the current application, or press CTRL+ALT+DEL to } } restart your computer. } } *Sigh*  Never mind.  The Oracle owes you a refund.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  +----------------------------------------------------+ >  | Jo Supplicant                             7734     | >  | 123 Marmot Lane                                    | >  | Anytown, Ind.                    date _Apr_13_01_  | >  |                                                    | >  | Pay to                                             | >  | order of _The_Internet_Oracle____   $ _7000.00_    | >  |                                                    | >  | _seventhousand_and_zero_cents_______dollars        | >  |                                 _                  | >  |  Bank of Foobar            /   (        /'_ _  _/  | >  |  1984 Orwell Rd.       (_/() __)(//)/)(/( (//)/    | >  |  Minitruth, Ind                 / /                | >  +----------------------------------------------------+

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, > Why do they give me a suspension for skipping class at school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was probably an administrative error. I'm sure if you check the Auto } Shop, you'll probably find a jump rope. } } You owe The Oracle blueprints for a hopscotch board.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most venerable Oracle, tell me this: > > Do you want fries with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did I ask for fries? } } No, I did not.  I also distinctly said "and that's all." } } Man, for someone with a Master's in English, you'd think they would } understand the language. } } You owe the Oracle my change.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Superfluous Oracle, you know the true meanings of the big > words (like superfluous) that I parrot in hopes of sounding important. > I even make up words like thudlicious and bramphantaceuous, because > maybe I'll invent one that catches on, and then I'll be famous. > Waitaminit.  I can't remember any person who's famous for inventing a > word, except maybe Nora Webster. > > What do my words mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simple: } 'Bramphantaceuous' - from 'bra', 'mmmm-mmmm!' and 'fantastic!'.  A } bramphantaceuous woman is a lady whose bust is the speaker's object of } fantasy. } } 'Thudlicious', on the other hand, is a word more often used by women, } as in "He came up to me and told me he thought I was bramphantaceuous. } Then he stood there for a full minute just staring at my chest.  I } waited for the right moment, and then I smacked him right in the face, } and he fell on his fat ass with a thudlicious sound!" } Basically, "thudlicious" = a satisfying thud. } } You owe the Oracle Webster's Dictionary, 2200AD edition.