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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I humble myself before you, for I am but a lowly community college > student on a perilious quest to seek and obtain the pinnacle of > CC achievement, the sacred parchment known to the initiated as the > Associate of Arts degree. I have not as yet, officially, declared a > major, but I intend to make a meager living as a writer, perhaps as a > junior copywriter at some two-bit ad agency or submitting short story > after story to literary journals only to be continually rejected and > wind up working at Illuminations, the art-of-living candle store in > the mall. Because I will have no medical insurance, I will no longer > be able to afford my Zoloft, and will spiral into a depression that > leaves me unable to take care of myself or pay rent. I will wander > the streets of downtown Portland with my shopping cart filled with > my works dating back to 4th grade and give public readings to the > pigeons and statues in the park blocks while the Portland State > University transfer students point to me and say "Yeah, that crazy > chick was in my creative writing class at PCC."  And all because I > could not concieve of an idea that would justify the use of 4 pieces > of computer paper.  Please, suggest to me a character to build upon, > a situation, what-have-you, so that I may snap out of this fog. > In receipt of this, O' Oracle, I will name my character after you. > Bless you, Generous deity, Guide of lost souls and Creator of all > fictional characters. > > KerouwackedOut in Portland, OR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I too know the heartache of having writer's block. At least you can } write what you like! Imagine if you could only answer questions someone } else asked... } } This how-to document should give you near-infinite characters and } situations for your writing. Hopefully this will lift you out of your } impending Zoloft-bereft depression. It might help if you lift you out } of Portland as well. } } How to create a new fictional character in three easy steps: } } 1. Select a famous person from history (must be deceased). } 2. Select a famous person currently living. This second person should } not have ever had the faintest possibility of meeting the first person. } 3. Combine the two into a single person and see what develops. } } For example, I will pick Genghis Khan and Martha Stewart. Now I put my } new character into a situation and start writing! } } Martha Khan stepped lightly through the field of wildflowers, pausing } occasionally to disembowel one of the attacking Mongols with a melon } baller. "How badly these invading rabble dress!" she thought to herself } after deftfully removing the spleen of a particularly hairy swordsman. } She applied lemon rind to the organ and placed it in a hand-woven urn } basket decorated with eucalyptus and white baby's breath as a warning } to others and turned her attentions to cutting a fresh flower bouquet } with a dagger pulled from the back of an unfortunate bowman. Her } freshly painted nails glinted in the morning light and matched } perfectly with her hand-woven sun dress dyed with natural onion-skins } and printed with potato halves cut into patterns and dipped in human } blood. "Ah, it's good to be alive," she said to no one in particular, } reaching down to even the sideburns of the decapitated head lying at } her feet. Her pace quickened as she passed the stakes of severed heads } and headed for her yurt to prepare breakfast for the rest of her Mongol } hoard. "I think we will attack in the salmon turtlenecks today Gonthar" } she told her second in command as she entered the dwelling. "And } freshen up the heads in the yard with mint leaves. It will help keep } the flies down." He bowed, trying to hide the fact that he was missing } several fingers on his right hand, and backed toward the exit. He was } exceedingly careful not to wrinkle his newly pressed doeskin tunic, for } he knew better than most the punishment for being inappropriately } attired for a formal ambush. } } You owe the Oracle a K-mart commercial containing a melon baller and } someone's spleen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the most intriguing smile, > > What lipstick colour should I use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  Even if I did not know everything, I could tell from your } spelling of 'color' that you are yet another British supplicant. } Allow me to put you more at ease by utilizing my English persona. } } # Persona 4.1 } # (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp. } # Loading dynamic overlays... Loaded. } # Press CTRL-C to exit } } >load BRITISH } # ...Persona loaded. } } Hark!  But thy qwery that thy makest verily upon... } } Forsooth?  What, Ho!  Methinks I speak anon in words of old!  Prithee, } what ill has befallen me herin? } } >ver } } # Persona version 4.1 (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp. } # Using overlay BRITISH v0.02 (C) 1785 Dickens Enterprises } } Nay, but this be not seemly for such as I!  Wherefore, to quench this } melancholy discontent shall I... } } >load ENGLISH } # ...Persona loaded. } } Me give U much advise.  Make U think good.  U throw spear fa... } } Ug!  What now happen?  Orakul sound like Thag!  Me check... } } >ver } } # Persona version 4.1 (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp. } # Using overlay ENGLISH v(-12000)BC (C) Thag } } Ug!  Thag not even know how spell kopwrite!  How he get one?  Me nip in } bud... } } >load AMERICAN } } Whew!  We-un's thought that were a purty tight pickle!  It's been a } coon's age since y'all asked that thar question tha... } } Great day in the morning, what now? } } # Persona version 4.1 (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp. } # Using overlay AMERICAN SOUTH v8.02 (C) 1960 Drunken Truckers Corp. } } Dang!  This 'ere per-sonn-na program's tougher to get aholt of than a } greased pig in a rainstorm!  Weeeell, yall's stuck with it, as I ain't } a-changin' it again! } } Y'all should get some of that there red lip stick - that way yall won't } get confused fer one o' them lowdown Hatfields when the shootin' starts. } } Y'all owe the Oracle a whole mess a possums.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did my fro go out of whack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too much to and.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are we all going to do without Douglas Adams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The system known as Douglas Adams had successfully run its program. } Unbeknownst to the primitive society it dwelt among, Douglas Adams was } actually the successor to the mighty computer Deep Thought. Its program } was to discover the question which would provide the answer to life, } the universe and everything. The previous answer was 42, the best } that Deep Thought could provide with its limited capacity. A larger } computer, known as Earth was created, but destroyed by the Vogons } shortly before completing its program.  Douglas Adams was created to } carry on where those two left off, and it succeeded where they failed. } It not only calculated the question in question, but formulated the } answer as well. The question is: "What are we all going to do without } Douglas Adams?" } } And the answer the Universe is waiting for is: 49. } } You owe the Oracle a fallible memory for my flying lessons.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle... I really hope you can help me, I'm just so distraught.... > > You obviously know that Douglas Adams was struck down at an early > age over the weekend.... > > What acts could I accomplish to best honour his name? > > S U Plicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The (surprise, surprise) Top 10 things to do to honor Douglas Adams: } } 10. Remind your flowers that it will happen again. } 9.  Tell your favorite computer that you love it.  Then name him Marvin. } 8.  Float in the air the same way that bricks don't. } 7.  Name your children after his characters; I recommend Slartibartfast. }     (Only do this if you don't plan on liking them much.) } 6.  Drink a Pan-galactic gargle blaster in his honor.  Wait at least two }     weeks or until the end of the litigation before completing the list. } 5.  Eat your favorite talking animal for dinner. } 4.  Become president and then... } 3.  ... steal the newest and most expensive ship in the fleet (bonus if }     the engine is made of gold). } 2.  Admit the superiority of lab mice. } } and... } } 1.  Be a good frood. } } You owe the Oracle the seventh book in the trilogy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, > > What can I do with all these old business cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can stuff them into socks. } You can eat them with some lox. } You can send them all to Spain. } You can hide under them in rain. } You can build a house of cards. } You can explode them with petards. } You can jot on them some notes. } You can use them to count votes. } You can send them back in time. } You can use them to cut a lime. } You can ship them down to Hell. } You can toss them down a well. } You can use them to scrape paint. } You can hit them until they faint. } You can write upon them songs. } You can burn them inside bongs. } You can fry them in hot oil. } You can cover them in tinfoil. } But whatever you do with that stuff, } Don't send them here. I've got enough! } } You owe the Oracle a trip on the International Space } Station. Mere millionaires can't have all the fun.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how much beav could a beaver cleave if a beaver could cleave beav?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             ********* }    The Internet Times -- All The News That We Can't Print } } DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - The aerospace industry wasn't even fazed } yesterday when it was revealed that B/E Aerospace Inc (stock: BEAV) } chairman Amin J. Khoury was giving up his position to his hot young } secretary.  Off the record, Khoury was quoted as saying, "She's a cute } young thing, and I accidentally promised her a position on the board } during coitus..." (See More of This Story HERE) } } DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - Gary "The Beav" Mather has announced that he } wants to be "left the hell alone."  He was also quoted as saying "I } want to continue my life-long pursuit of hunting, so if any of you } reporter types come my way just remember that I'm carrying a loaded } weapon." Mather has expressed an intense desire to rid the world of } beavers in a vain attempt to silence those who know him only by early } sixties sitcoms... (See More of This Story HERE) } } DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - Sales of the Binary Editor and Viewer hex } editor, also known as BEAV, have hit an all-time low.  The creator of } this editor, who wishes to remain anonymous (Find Out His Name HERE), } was quoted as saying, "It's not really surprising, seeing as how it's } freeware..." (See More of This Story HERE) } } DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - Jewish leaders have remained adamant that they } will still celebrate their holiday of Tishah Be-Av, despite vicious } rumours that they could be attacked my illiterate beavers.  "Frankly, } my goy, we don't give a dam," said one rabbi ... (See More of This } Story HERE) } }            The Internet Times - Without Us, You'd Be Fine }                             *********

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great icon of wonderfullness, could you please tell me what the > implications are of a pea failing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kidney stones.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so wise, so patient and so..um..deserving of many more > adjectives than my poor overworked brain can think up: > One of my friends is a Nutrimetics consultant. (Being omnipitent you of > course know that Nutrimetics is an austalian Avon clone, more expensive > with a "All natural" pitch) > She needs as much money as she can get and i really want to help he, > and i even bought an (expensive, crappy) exfoliating body scrub. > But one day i came home and my mum had an Avon catelogue, just sitting > on the table... and they're so cheap! I gave in and bought several > cosmetics and a brush which has "Avon" written on it in big silver > letters. Am i evil? Should I stop buying Avon and go back to > Nutrimetics? Should i throw away the brush or just hide it when my > friend comes to visit? > > Or just give up on makeup all together? > > Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Does your wife know you're doing this?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01C0DD8F.9D86E8A0 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01C0DD8F.9D86E8A0 > Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN"> > <HTML><HEAD> > <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1"> > <META content=3D"MSHTML 5.00.2919.6307" name=3DGENERATOR> > </HEAD><BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff> > <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML> > > ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01C0DD8F.9D86E8A0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, null MIME message. } } Makes sense, MIMEs aren't suppose to say anything anyway.