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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  So, where is the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you would like a joke which makes a reference to the fast food } industry using artificial meat products in their hamburgers, please } press one. } } If you would like a joke about Mad Cow disease, please press two. } } If you would directions to the beef, please press three. } } If you would like us to locate the beef via the Global Positioning } System, please press four. } } If you would like some vague sexual innuendo which takes the term } "beef" to be a euphemism for something, please press five. } } [BEEP} } } In my pants, baby. } } You owe the Oracle a rotary telephone.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, you are more clever than a boatload of > drowning mystery writers and twice as funny as everyone > that ever watched Sid Caesar on TV, > > Why is soccer more popular than dungeons and dragons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Timothy, John and Davey are sitting around a table surrounded } by empty pizza boxes and two-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. Various } kinds of dice litter the table. Timothy is sitting behind a screen. } } TIMOTHY: Okay you guys are playing [rolls some dice] the } Brazilian soccer team. There are [rolls dice] 11 of them. They } are attacking. } } JOHN: I have Cleats of Defense +3. } } TIMOTHY: You are going to get hit in the leg with the soccer } ball. It is going to do [rolls] 3 hit points of damage. } } DAVEY: I want to cast Magic Missile! } } TIMOTHY: Okay, you cast Magic Missile and the missile goes out } of bounds. The Brazilians will inbound. } } JOHN: I've got a Wand of Intercepting. } } TIMOTHY: Okay, you have the ball. Now what? } } DAVEY: I'm going to cast Shot on Goal! } } TIMOTHY: Okay, you cast Shot on Goal [rolls] but the goalie } makes his saving throw. They are casting Corner Kick. } } DAVEY: Can I cast Yellow Card? } } TIMOTHY: No, that's a second-level spell. Sorry. } } JOHN: I think I have a scroll with Yellow Card on it! } } TIMOTHY: You can't use that. They are attempting to score. } } JOHN: I have chain mail on! } } TIMOTHY: You're trying to run in your chain mail and he outruns you. } } DAVEY: I'm going to cast Web in front of the goal. } } TIMOTHY: Oh no! The spell backfires! Your goalie can't move. He } shoots. He scores. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! The score is 1-0. } } JOHN: I kick the ball downfield. I have a Helm of Passing +5. } } DAVEY: I'm going to cast Fireball! } } TIMOTHY: You cast Fireball and the stadium is on fire. Fans run } away screaming. The game has been called. You lose 1-0. } } You owe the Oracle a three-side die.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> sometimes i like to touch my bottom? > > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail. > http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now we all know what it means to "Yahoo".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C0D7F2.A8AC1040 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1" > > Great Oracle, who's shoelaces I am unworthy to be strangled by, I beg > your assistance with an unworthy question: > > Why does "Q" always hang around with that "U" character? > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C0D7F2.A8AC1040 > > [ Redundant, unwanted HTML part helpfully deleted by Priest. ] > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C0D7F2.A8AC1040--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This message is in THESPIAN (Therefore in Holy Electronic Spoken } Proverbs I've Answered, Nimrod) format. Since your primitive intellect } does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be } legible. } } Ahem.  Anyway, as it so happens, the Q is not hanging around with U. } In fact, you will notice that almost always, U is following Q.  This is } despite the fact that the Q has, to date, requested six separate } restraining orders barring U from coming within two consonants and a } vowel of her.  It is true that Q and U used to be an item, in fact they } used to be members of a band. Maybe you've heard of "Queen"?  But ever } since Q took that trip to Iraq and U caught her hanging around with } that lecherous arab, A, things just went quickly, quietly sour.  Q } moved out, living for a while in an old quonset hut, but realized that } U had followed her again.  Her quest for solitude went unfulfilled, as } U dogged her every step.  She even sought the aid of then-VP Dan } Quayle, but he proved less sympathetic than she had hoped.  Her queries } to the queen were intercepted, and U had no qualms about the quantity } of iniquity he was committing in tampering with Her Majesty's letters, } bills, and cheques. } } In desperation, Q fled to Mozambique, but even there, U followed her. } She tried to send a tribe of Native Americans to intimidate U into } leaving her alone, but U signed a treaty with the Iriquois instead. } She thought she lost him when she ducked out of a queue for a } discoteque in Quebec.  She went to introduce him to her friend, an E. } They brought along another U and E, and Q hoped that four vowels would } form a clique and leave her alone. Sadly, U just wouldn't quit. } } Eventually, Q was forced to quaff quintuple the maximum survivable } amount of quinine.  In this queer manner, she brought quiet to her soul } at last. } } You owe the Oracle a queen-sized waterbed, a quiche, a daquiri, and a } quarterhorse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose toenail clippings make Mike Tyson look like Woody > Allen, please answer my query... > > Whose brilliant idea was earwax, anyway? > > Jerald Sulligan                     [name changed to protect the guilty] > Goldman Sachs, Investment Banking Dept

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                ==================================== }                      The Wall Street Journal }                ==================================== } } New York-- In a surprise move, investment banking and securities firm } Goldman Sachs announced Friday its intent to begin trading in what } a company spokesman defined as "really gross body stuff", as soon as } a few remaining ownership and copyright issues can be resolved. } } "We've completed extensive research in the toenail clipping arena", } stated Jerald Sulligan in the Investment Banking Department, who } developed the plan. "We feel we really have it nailed."  Sulligan says } that Goldman Sachs anticipates an especially strong market in the } celebrity toenail clipping line, noting that most current activity } centers around Bloomington, Indiana.  "We don't know what's there, } exactly, but it must be knee-deep in toenail clippings by now." } } The company is also developing funds based on belly-button lint, } boogers, and "that crusty stuff you find in the corners of your eyes } in the morning". } } Earwax seems to be the only sticking point for the company. "We need } to resolve the IP issues", said Sulligan. "We've gotta figure out who } invented the stuff, whether any royalties are due, that sort of thing. } I've got someone working on it right now." } } Market analysts remain skeptical, but executives at Goldman Sachs } expressed full confidence in Sulligan's plan. "This guy's a heavy } hitter," said company CEO Henry Paulson. "It's not like he spends } all day screwing around on the Internet or anything."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are a great and powerful Oracle whose knowledge encompasses > even trivia!  So what does the Swiss army do with all those knives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What can't they do?! } } They've used the spoon to dig tunnels through The Alps, they've } used the corkscrew to twist laws around allowing them to launder } money from every corner of the world,  they've use the pliers } to fine tune many a yodel, they've used the tweezers to pick } out just the good parts of their neighbors' cultures, they've } used the knife to slice inefficiency, they've used the tooth- } pick to get errant guttural vowels out of their teeth... the } uses are endless, and limited only by your imagination and } ability to withstand the cold. } } You owe the Oracle a Police Model Spyderco, the Oracle is more } into full frontal slashing attacks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does your poop stink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not, } } It's swabbed daily, as is the foc'sle, the bridge, and the gun'al. } } You owe The Oracle an 'Avast me Hearty', and a 'shiver me timbers'

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> H > e > l > p > ! > > M > y > > p > a > r > a > c > h > u > t > e > > w > o > n > ' > t > > o > p > e > n > ! > > W > h > a > t > > d > o > > I > > d > o > ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                   Cry out! }              Shut your eyes! }          Think positive and smile! }         Flap your arms up and down! }      Sing your favourite songs loudly! }   Curse gravity and low air resistance! }   T h   r a   s h    a r   o u   n d ! }    W h  i n    e a  n d   s h   a k e ! }      M    o     m    m     y     !! }         H          ee      lp!! }            A       aa    rgh!! }               N    O    O!! }                  \ I / }                    I }                   / \ }                  SPLAT } ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ } That is what you do. What you *should* do is saving your game more } often and cleaning your keyboard so that the F4 key will work in your } time of need. } You owe the Oracle a coffee-resistent keyboard.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On Monday 21 May 4:01AM PST 2001, > The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu> wrote: > > [slightly humorous reply to hilarious question deleted] > > } You owe the Oracle $50,000 and a plastic grocery bag that doesn't > } spill in the car. > > Oracle, with your omniscient greatness, surely you must know that I > don't have $50,000 -- not even if I borrow from every relative and > friend that still speaks to me. If I continue to pay my bills, it will > take at least 20 years to save up that kind of money. Why do you ask for > tribute that you know I cannot pay? > > Do you wish me to fail? Of course not -- for this would imply that > The Internet Oracle is masochistic, and surely with your omniscient > greatness this cannot be so. > > Perhaps you had a momentary memory lapse? No, this cannot be true > either. It is known that you are omniscient -- not merely "smart" or > "good with figures," but completely omniscient, knowing everything that > is. This is inconsistent with memory lapses. Further, memory lapses > imply fatigue, and therefore cannot apply to your omniscient greatness. > > I must assume that there is some way for me to raise the money in order > to pay your tribute. Oracle, you inspire me towards greatness, but never > will I be worthy to suck the lint from your navel. If you choose not to > tell me how to raise this money, then I must accept the inevitable: You > mean for me to devise my own ways. > > Thanks be to Oracle, who (through omniscience and infinite wisdom) can > give me the information needed to complete His Holy Wishes. > > According to your apparent wishes, Oracle, I have devised a plan to > raise $50,000 after taxes -- which I will have delivered to you at once. > However, in order to carry out this plan I must have some information > from you. Please supply me with all of the following information: >   - The winning California Lotto numbers for next draw and (in case >       E-mail is slow) the draw after that >   - Lisa's phone number (for confirmation) >   - The numbers and names of the first-place horses in the first six >       races at Santa Anita this weekend (so I can play the Pick Six). >   - The URL's and passwords of some Internet porno sites -- something >       to keep me occupied while sitting around, waiting for Lotto and >       horses. (Nothing fancy, maybe just some of your old ones) >   - The location of a store that sells plastic grocery bags that don't >       spill in the car > > Thanks Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It seems that I must do just about everything for myself.  You're a good } groveller, so I'll help you out a bit. } } 00011111112223334445555556677777888888899AAaaaaabCcccccccccccccccccccccc } cDddEEeeeeeFffggghhhIiJJJjKLllMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmNnnnOoooooooooooo } oooooooooPppQRRRrrrrrrSSsssssTTTTttUUuuuVvvvWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWX } XXXXXxxxxYYy:::::::::::::::://////////////////////////////////////////// } ///--------(( } } There, I even sorted it for you.  Have the money here by Monday.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I am a psychotherapist.  Please describe your problems.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} problem \Prob"lem\, n. [F. probl[`e]me, L. problema, fr. Gr. ? anything } thrown forward, a question proposed for solution, fr. ? to throw or lay } before; ? before, forward + ? to throw. Cf. Parable. ] 1. A question } proposed for solution; a matter stated for examination or proof; hence, } a matter difficult of solution or settlement; a doubtful case; a } question involving doubt. --Bacon. } } 2. (Math.) Anything which is required to be done; as, in geometry, to } bisect a line, to draw a perpendicular; or, in algebra, to find an } unknown quantity. } } Note: Problem differs from theorem in this, that a problem is something } to be done, as to bisect a triangle, to describe a circle, etc.; a } theorem is something to be proved, as that all the angles of a triangle } are equal to two right angles. } } Plane problem (Geom.), a problem that can be solved by the use of the } rule and compass. } } Solid problem (Geom.), a problem requiring in its geometric solution } the use of a conic section or higher curve.