Goto:

122, 122-01, 122-02, 122-03, 122-04, 122-05, 122-06, 122-07, 122-08, 122-09, 122-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In 1987, in Canterbury, Kent, England, on the 22nd September, at > precisely 9.34 pm, absolutely nothing unusual or of the remotest > interest to anybody who doesn't live in Canterbury happened.  Can you > tell me why this happened, who is responsible for this non-event, and > what can be done to prevent it ever not-happening again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing happens occasionally.  Chalk it up to a God who's getting some } rest.  Gods are people too. } } *INTERRUPT* } Message from god@your.host.is.as.good.as.mine: } ----- } Wait a minute here. } You aren't telling the whole truth. } *RESPONSE REQUIRED* } } Sir, I am not required to tell the whole truth. } } *INTERRUPT* } Message from god@the.domain: } ----- } Humor me. } *RESPONSE REQUIRED* } } Fine. } } Perhaps I was smoothing over the part that NO God out of the large host } of them was busy in that particular place in England at the time.  They } were all busy elsewhere. } } *INTERRUPT* } Message from allah@mid.east.backbone: } ----- } There is no other God besides myself. } *RESPONSE REQUIRED* } } Sir, I am not going to get into this argument.  It is beyond my faculty. } } *INTERRUPT* } Message from zeus@valhalla.edu: } ----- } Are we going to start this again?  I thought we all agreed to remain in } our own domains until a new solution was evident.  Why is god and allah } in iuvax.cs.indiana.edu?  I was sure that domain was covered... } *INTERRUPT* } Message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu: } ----- } Don't hang this on me! } *END MESSAGE* } ...by that graduate student. } *END MESSAGE* } } . } . } . } } The rest of this transmission has been edited out by the oracle to save } network space.  When gods argue it tends to get verbose. } } You owe the oracle a protocol analyzer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me great wise one.  who was the youngest president to be elected. > > who was the youngest vice-president to be elected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The youngest president to be elected was Ungawa Zbalipat.  He was } elected president of the Bagu-Magi pigmy tribe in eastern Africa.  He } was only thirteen years old.  He was elected for his sexual prowess, as } was customary within this tribe.  His prowess was based on the fact that } at the age of ten and a half, he impregnated one of the women of the } tribe:  the youngest tribal member ever to impregnate a woman. } Incidentally, this leads on to your next question.  The tribe was so } impressed with this feat that they were sure the offspring would become } a great member of the tribe as well, so they elected his son } vice-president at birth.  His was elected even before he was named, but } it turns out that the youngest vice president elected was Pago Raputok. } (Aside:  It is a tribal custom to make the last letter of the first name } the second-to-last letter of the last name.  Names are not patrilineal, } i.e.  they are not taken from the father's last name as we do, but } rather they're just made up.  Not having TV they need something to } occupy their time and thinking up new names takes up a good amount of } time, especially since they try not to use names that have been used in } the past 13 generations.  [Aside from the aside:  Thirteen is a very } holy number to the Bagu-Magis but that's an entirely different story } which I'll discuss next time somebody asks me a question about the } Bagu-Magis] The additional challenge is trying to remember 13 } generations worth of names since the tribe has not developed a written } language.  Between that and eating berries, they keep rather busy. } [Second aside from the first original aside:  the berries they eat cause } them to have visions which they don't distinguish from reality since } they are too stoned most of the time to derive a concept such as the } concept of drugs but that's a different story too.  Some other time]). } }    The Omniscient Oracle hopes you have been enlightened.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ora Cle > 1 Uvaxcs > Indiana, EDU > > Dear Ora, > > You may be the winner of $10,000,000.01 if I select your personal lucky > number as the winning number on national television.  Your number is >             129.79.254.192 > No one else has this number.  Just think of what the Cle family could do > with $10,000,000.01!  (Paid in convenient annual installments of > $10.00.) BUT -- you can't win if you don't return your entry form.  Do > it now.  Well, what are you waiting for? >                                   Sincerely, >                              Sleazy Publisher's Action Marketing (SPAM)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my mother and I are entering the Mother-Daughter Pillsbury } Bake-Off tommorrow.  We have to cook Chicken 500 different ways without } using oil, tomatoes or the Colonel's secret recipe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what did you think of the Alarm concert last night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was incredible.  They truly played from the soul, in the great } tradition of followers of Truth.  Unafraid of what they might find, they } ventured alone into the deepest recesses of our culture, and what they } found there was as fascinating as it was disturbing...  Hatred. } Madness.  Greed.  Anger.  Desperation.  An unretouched photo of the } godless, eternal void that we live in, this concert may have been one of } the truly great works of performance art in the history of mankind. } } But gimme that old-time rock 'n roll any day. } } You owe the Oracle a complete collection of Chuck Berry albums.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Dear Oracle, >               Why did the chicken cross the road???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The origin of this joke is based on the supposedly hilarious inablility } to tell the facts of life to children.  Abraham Lincoln, in fact, was } credited with the first utterance of this joke soon after the trial of } John Cass, at which he was the prosecutor.  The true answer is that } there are roosters on the other side.  The joke is that anything but the } true answer is supplied. } } With time, the meaning of the joke has changed, just as our (in)ability } to tell the facts of life to children have changed.  The most common } answer (occurring 72% of the time according to national polls) is "To } get to the other side," thus giving evidence that the Great Sexual } Silence is no longer a prominent issue, and therefore has a chance to } change.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I got a letter in the mail saying I may have won a dream vacation > weekend in Hawaii with Lisa, "THE PRESENT NET.GODDESS LUSTED AFTER BY SO > MANY!" > > I called the 1-800 number and they want me to send $49.99 to claim my > prize. > > Is this on the level?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It definitely is.  This was an experiment by the Oracular Institute of } Psychology on how people reacts to unbelivably good offers.  Since we } are a respectable institution we will of course honour the agreement. } } You(and 28.57% of everbody tested) made group 4a: }  'Rang number, did not accept at once, consulted other sources, said } sources being the Usenet Oracle'. } } Be the way, the offer does NOT include travel or stay, only the name of } the beach she will be on.  She is also be heavily bodyguarded. } } You owe the oracle $49.99.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When they installed the control device in my brain, why did they turn up > the knobs for promescuity and wetting my pants so high?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Your going to have to ask your programmers for the answer to that } question. }                                       The Usenet Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the command to print a page?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ten-HUT! } PRIVATE! } Print a page. } DIS-missed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I enjoy reading your humorous and insightful answers on the net.  I > often get a chuckle out of them, and once in a while I feel like I have > some new understanding of what the universe is all about. > > Recently we have been told that the Oracle's postings on the net are > becoming more popular, and the number of people interested in the Oracle > is growing.  There are numerous warnings throughout the net (in > automated postings, news-sending programs, and introductory news > documents) that using the net results in costs in hundreds if not > thousands of dollars. > > It's never clear just WHO is spending all of this money, but I will take > it on faith that SOMEONE is dishing out big bucks so that I can spend > all day reading alt.flame. > > But Oracle:  I worry a bit, now.  If EVERYONE on the net were to realize > how wonderful the Oracle is, and were to start asking questions and > receiving answers, wouldn't every site be in danger?  Wouldn't the costs > of dispensing Oracular wisdom be millions if not billions or trillions > of dollars?  Could not, then, the Oracular software be accused of being > some sort of colossal worm program, and thus be subject to prosecution > under the laws of the US Government?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You call me a worm?  You are a nodding hillbilly!  You are a stinking } twerp!  You should be struck with a sphinx!  You should be kept away } from Souther California beaches and recreation areas!  You should be } victimized by tough state and local legislation!  You should be } transported from place to place in a special double-hulled ship!  You } are a full-scale disaster on a coastline!  You need initiative!  You } should be deeply concerned about terrorists!  Etc! } } You owe the Oracle some more insults.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is everything really packed into incredibly tiny spaces, or is it just > my mind struggling like a captive, drowning rat, struggling to escape > the dark prison of my head?  Do you mind my asking?  Oh no, I've blown > it, I've asked two questions, I might as well give up, but wait, you're > the Oracle, you understand these things, and you're my friend, aren't > you?  Oh blast, that's three questions now, I've really done it, I'll > just stuff myself into this empty yogurt container and pray for fruit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you've really done it this time.  Again.  If you are not able to } restrict yourself to one question, you'd better not try to ask at all. } } You may get help from Oracle Questioner Anonymous, } orac-quest-anon@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. } } PS.  Make sure you're comfortable inside the yogurt container, the fruit } will be delayed.  Barbara can teach you how to stuff yourself into tiny } spaces, she's the expert on that.