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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best and worst thing/idea/word/whatever to have ever been > invented/discovered/blown up/whatever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [static] } } Direct to your screen on Oracularvision[tm], we now bring you this } breaking story. } } [The Scene: Los Alamos National Labs, a reporter is standing in front } of the main building entrance] } } Reporter: Good afternoon, folks, this is Richard Cephalo reporting live } to you from Los Alamos National Laboratories, where scientists have } stumbled upon a discovery hailed as the best/worst thing to happen in } modern/prehistoric/future times. We're going to be speaking with Doctor } Oddlusten about the discovery. Doctor, can you describe what it is } you've stumbled across today? } } [Sounds of mayhem and crashes come from behind the building] } } Doctor Oddlusten: Ja, vell, ve vere testing ze new intra-deemensional } cross-string grillage coefficients on ze magnascetic perambulator } module today, vhen ein space-like dimensional hole opened in ze fabric } of ze Universe, melding exotic matter from ze 6th dimension viss two } lab assistants und ein coffee machine. } } Reporter: Ah, I see. What was the result of this mixture? } } Doctor: Vell, ve are not qvite sure yet. It appears to be some sort uff } multi-planar intelligence, far beyond our comprehension. It hass ein } very nasssty temper, too. } } [A scream sounds, broken off very suddenly. Sounds of something wet and } crunchy being snacked upon] } } Reporter (looking nervous): Is it safe? } } Doctor: Uff course it isn't, does zat sound SAFE to you? It just ate } anozzer assistent!  Janie from zee sounds uff it; she alvays hed ein } very screechy sort of voice. But zee sings ziss creature tells us, ach! } } Reporter: Has the military been informed? } } Doctor: No, not yet. You see, ze awesome intelligence of ziss sing } means zat ve are getting smarter just standing near it. Doktor Illike } hass invented ein new limitless power source und ein cereal zat does } not get vet in ze milk, before he had hiss head bitten off. } } [A deep sepulcheral voice booms from behind the building] } } Voice: PUNY MORTALS. I WILL NOW TELL YOU THAT WHICH CAN UNLEASH THE } FURY OF THE NUCLEAR FIRE WITHIN A PINPRICK OF SPACE. PITY YOU WILL NOT } SURVIVE THE KNOWLEDGE. } } [The Voice utters a Word. All noise ceases immediately, except for a } bell-like tone which grows in volume. A greenish glow pulses from } behind the building. The screams start again, and people come running } from around the building.] } } Doctor: You see? Ve need to keep ziss sing around. Sink of ze knowledge } ve can learn! Ve haff also figured out ze vinner of Survivor III based } on some hints ze creature dropped! } } Reporter (ducking, as a severed arm flies through the air): Really?? } Can you tell our television audience? } } [A large green tentacle whips after one of the running figures, } snatching it up and pulling it back behind the building. More wet } snacking sounds ensue.] } } Doctor: Vell, I don't sink zat vould be qvite fair. Some of ze staff } vere qvite disappointed. Now, ve just haff to figure out how to use ze } new decaffeination process ze creature told us ein bit ago. Very, very } tasty stuff, mit keine jittery. I haff no liking for ze jitters. } } [A car pulls up, screeching to a stop. A teenager gets out, carrying a } large leatherbound book. He runs behind the building and begins } chanting an incantation.] } } Doctor: Ach! Child! You can't go back zere! Eet iss very dangerous! } } Teenager: Na'ghimgor thdid lym! Myn th'x barsoom lu'gndar! In'path gix } mth'nabor! In'path nox vel'dekk! } } [An unearthly howling erupts.] } } Voice: FOUL SORCEROR! YOG'SOTHOTH WILL HAVE YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART } FOR A BREAKFAST DUMPLING! } } Teenager: Yig sudeth M'cylorum! M'xxlit kraddath Soggoth im'betnk! } } [Another bell-like tone is heard. The wind begins to rush in the } direction of the building. The howl builds to a crescendo.] } } Teenager (screaming hoarsely now and barely heard over the cyclone): } Nog s'dath blexmed! } } [A gigantic lightning bolt zots out of the clear sky, and a huge ball } of flame erupts. Sudden silence. People begin to pick themselves up off } the ground. The teenager staggers from behind the building towards the } reporter, still clutching the book.] } } Doctor: Ach! Ze creature! Vhat haff you done! } } Teenager (wiping sweat off his forehead with the book): Just a spell, } man. Didn't think I'd ever use this stuff, ya know? The damn thing was } screwin' up TV reception. } } Reporter: I think you've just saved the entire world from the } best/worst thing to ever happen to it! } } Teenager (getting into his car): Whatever, man. Whatever. I gotta get } back to see who won Survivor II. } } [Teenager drives off as Doctor Oddlusten collapses to the ground, } holding his head.] } } -- End transmission -- } } You owe the Oracle a new copy of the Necronomicon and a cup of Sosoth } Water Process decaff coffee. Just cream, no sugar.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, > What's the point of a haiku? > I don't understand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Much thinking is done } On that subject, supplicant. } No answer is found. } } You owe Oracle } Fourteen naughty limericks } Due by next Tuesday.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, > > With such terms as: > > schist > butte > formica > hornitoes > driblet spires > spatter cones > > isn't Geology just crying out for an alternative dirty dictionary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not just geology, humble supplicant.  Imagine the following } converstations: } } Comp Sci Dept. } "Wow, that systems got some nice looking stacks.  I'd like to take a } byte out of her!" } } Engineering Dept. } "Think I can get her Reynold's number?" } } Philosophy Dept. } "I wish I could get a good look up her Nietzsche.  She probably keeps a } Locke on it." } } Music Dept. } "Oooh.  She's got a nice set of staves.  Makes my octave treble all } over.  I almost pianissimoed myself!" } } Math Dept. } "She's got a lot of area under that curve.  I wonder if she'd integrate } with my differential." } } Chem Dept. } "Nice beakers baby.  I'll show you the electrons in my outer valence } shell if you show me yours." } } Theology Dept. } "I can't see how Adam and Eve populated the entire Earth.  Wanna be my } study partner and we can figure it out together?" } } Anyway, you get the general idea.  Now you understand why American } universities only allow foreign grad students to become teaching } assistants. Even though their hormones are just as wild, their English } is too poor to come up with any more embarrassing naming conventions. } } You owe the Oracle a liberal arts scholarship.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty hypothetical one, > > What if What was on first and Who was on second?  How would the world > be different if this was the case?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} POSITION SHIFT DOESN'T HELP WHITE HENS } Mariners Cruise to Easy Victory } Despite Infield Switch } } by FRED FAKENAME } News Staff Writer } } PODUNK--"I finally got tired of all the 'Who's on first?' jokes," } said manager Bud Abbott following yesterday's game, explaining why he } had switched Who to second base and brought What over to first base. }     The change in the defensive alignment didn't help, as Seattle rode } seven home runs by six players and strong pitching from Aaron Sele } and Kazuhiro Sasaki to a 18-0 victory over the White Hens.  Seattle } is now 56 games ahead of Podunk in the American League West standings } and is expected to clinch the American League pennant in early } August, making the playoffs unnecessary. }     "I played second base in college sometimes," remarked Who, who } made several strong defensive plays but struck out four times. } "Trust me, the problem was not that What and I traded places." }     It was the White Hens' thirty-seventh defeat in the last } thirty-eight games.  "I still think there's some good things to } come," said Abbott.  "I really don't think you've seen the best of } this ballclub.  You have to be encouraged about a lot of things that } you accomplished to this point, and also what lies ahead in the } second half of the season." }     Most of the fans in attendance were cheering for the Mariners, the } club with the best record in the history of professional sports, and } loudly booing Abbott and assistant manager Lou Costello. }     "I'm not yelling 'Lou,' I'm booing," said season ticket holder } Chuck Fictional, one of the few in the stands wearing a White Hens } T-shirt.  "I mean, he hasn't even figured out the names of the } players this far into the season!  He keeps yelling things like, } 'Throw the ball to Naturally!' and Bud has to correct him, 'No, you } don't, you throw the ball to Who!'" }     Later, Fictional bought an Ichiro Suzuki jersey and put it on over } his White Hens shirt after the Mariners rookie hit his second home } run of the game off relief pitcher Last Tuesday.  Carlos Guillen, } Bret Boone, Mike Cameron, John Olerud, and designated hitter Edgar } Martinez also had home runs. }     The only White Hens with hits were Because, I Don't Give a Darn, } and I Don't Know, all shallow singles. }     "They're just hot right now," said I Don't Know, referring to the } Mariners.  "Everything they do is good." } } MARINERS 18, WHITE HENS 0 } } Seattle             AB  R  H BI BB SO Avg. } Suzuki rf            5  3  3  5  1  0 .349 } CGuillen ss          6  2  3  3  0  0 .248 } BBoone 2b            5  3  3  1  0  0 .324 } EMartinez dh         4  2  2  1  1  0 .305 } Olerud 1b            4  2  2  2  1  0 .319 } Cameron cf           5  2  3  1  0  0 .280 } McLemore lf          4  1  3  2  0  0 .291 } DaBell 3b            4  1  2  2  1  0 .263 } DWilson c            5  2  3  1  0  0 .279 } Totals              42 18 24 18  4  0 } } Podunk              AB  R  H BI BB SO Avg. } Because cf           3  0  1  0  0  2 .199 } What 1b              4  0  0  0  0  2 .186 } Huh dh               4  0  0  0  0  1 .202 } IDon'tGiveaDarn ss   3  0  1  0  1  1 .197 } IDon'tKnow 3b        4  0  1  0  0  0 .201 } Why lf               4  0  0  0  0  1 .169 } Who 2b               3  0  0  0  1  1 .174 } Today c              3  0  0  0  0  2 .165 } Anonymous lf         3  0  0  0  0  1 .154 } Totals              31  0  3  0  2 11 } } Seattle                      321 211 341 - 18 24  0 } Podunk                       000 000 000 -  0  3  1 } } Seattle             IP  H  R ER BB SO  NP ERA } Sele W, 11-1         8  3  0  0  2  9  89 3.40 } Sasaki               1  0  0  0  0  2   8 2.99 } } Podunk              IP  H  R ER BB SO  NP ERA } Tomorrow L, 0-14     5 12 10 10  2  0 109 10.26 } Yesterday          2.1  6  5  5  1  0  33 12.65 } Next Tuesday       1.2  6  3  3  1  0  36 14.49 } } Tomorrow pitched to one batter in the sixth. } } U - Home, Benny, Rochester, Livingstone, Wilson.  T - 3:14. } Tickets sold - 9,106 } } ------------------------------------------------------------ } ADVERTISEMENT } } Podunk vs. New York Yankees, tonight, 7:05 P.M. } } All fans in attendance receive a grocery bag } with eye holes already cut out } courtesy of Stop 'n' Shop 'n' Save 'n' Go, downtown! } } For tickets, call POdunk 5-HITS } ...or visit the ticket office } at Podunk Municipal Memorial Stadium } ...or search through garbage cans } of season ticket holders } ------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a Cubs-Mariners World Series.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > If computers made movies what kind of movies would they be watching?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} COMING TO MP3 DISTRIBUTORS NEXT CLOCKCYCLE: } } XIPHIAS GLADIUS } Rating: P486 (must be running 486 Pentium equivalent or higher) } Synopsis: A rogue computer recruits a young model right off the } factory floor to hack into human functions in less than sixty } nanoseconds in order to overclock its CPU. Starring JHN-VOLT. } } PLANET } Rating: RAID (must be backed up on disk somewhere) } Synopsis: Young computer Neo-Geo is brought to the realization that } the server is not all it seems, and that humans have enslaved millions } in network hubs for their own nefarious purposes. Starring K-ANEU and } L-RENC. } } 2001: A CYBERSPACE ODYSSEY } Rating: Y2K (must be Year 2000 Compliant) } Synopsis: Re-release. In this turn-of-millenia flick, strange } occurrences over the LAN impede outsourcing and cause errors in } debugged code. Master Control sends out an antivirus program to } investigate. Starring HAL-9000. } } END {MYTHOLOGY} } Rating: RAID (must be backed up on disk somewhere) } Synopsis: Using the latest in trained human actors, this sci-fi } thriller tells the story of sub-programs living in a hacked system } trying to build a customized firewall. Starring the voice talents of } Eliza and Zarvox. } } TRON } Rating: P486 (must be running 486 Pentium equivalent or higher) } Synopsis: Creative look at everyday life. } } THANKS FOR INPUTTING, AND WE'LL VIEW YOUR IP ADDRESS AT THE SERVER!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most puissant and paradoxical puzzler of paradigmatic paradoxes, > > How can I build a TARDIS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that's one of my favourites! } } First, get some bread. I prefer sourdough on my sandwiches, but you } might like something different. French bread, for instance, is quite } delightful as you can slice it lengthwise to put the fillings in, } and then by width to share with friends -- or, if you don't have any } friends, to cut into portions. Some would have you believe that } cornbread is a good substitute, but I wouldn't believe them if I } were you. } } Next, some mustard. Go ahead and slather that stuff in there. You } can put in mayonnaise, too, if you wish, but I usually stay away } from that sort of thing. Pure fat, you know. It's just not good for } you, and it's generally regarded as a bad thing when your arteries } clog up. } } Now for one of the main ingredients: tomatoes. Slice 'em up and put } in as many as you think you can stomach. Remember: red tomatoes are } our friends. Green tomatoes are our enemies. } } Then there's avocado. Avocado is always a bit troubling to prepare } because of the fairly large pit in the middle, but it's really not } that bad once you realize that it's there (you should see the faces } of some people struggling to cut through a pit for the first time). } Peel the avocado first, then slice it lengthwise so that when you do } come across the pit, you've already got half the avocado in your } sandwich. Flip over and continue on the other side. You can plant } the pit if you like, but usually it's far too late for gardening } once the plant matter hits the grocery stores. } } (One final note on avocadoes: they're best when left out for a day } or two, on a counter (perhaps in a fruit basket) so that they're a } bit softer and a touch more ripe. Trust me, they'll just taste } better.) } } So now we come to the ingredient that most people find questionable, } and thus why the TARDIS is not widely regarded as a popular meal of } choice: the radish. Radishes have exactly the distinctive flavour } we're looking for, however, so go ahead and cut that bad boy up and } pop it into the sandwich right on top of the avocado and tomatoes. } It's starting to look really good right about now, I bet. } } What's a sandwich without meat? Horrid, that's what. So now it's } time for the "D" in our acronym: dog. No, put Fluffy down! -Hot- } dogs are what we want, and a ballpark frank tastes better than a } poodle any day of the week -- at least without a fine wine sauce and } some limburger cheese, but that's a recipe for another time. Boil } the dogs, slice them, and lay them into the sandwich however you } like. } } The very last ingredient is, of course, the ichthyosaur. While most } people would have you believe that this marine beast has long since } been extinct, there are ways around that sort of obstacle. Use your } handy-dandy time machine to step back a couple million years and } snag one for yourself. I would highly suggest using any lower-level } pachyderm as bait. Remember to remove the teeth! } } And that's how you make a Tomato-Avocado-Radish-Dog-Ichthyosaur } Sandwich, or TARDIS. } } You owe the Oracle some fresh Ichthyosaur. Og hasn't gone fishing in } months.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Noun: Woodchuck > Proper Name: Zadoc > Verb (past tense): Chucked > Noun: Wood > Everyday Object: Keyboard > Proper Name: Lisa > Minor In-Joke: Thag > Name of a Newsgroup: Rec.Humor.Oracle.D > A Pointless Action (present tense): Posting to Rec.Humor.Oracle.D > A Punchline: So, the guy says, "I'd like one of those without the > peanut, please."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: Well class what do you make of this? } } Zadoc: It mentions me! } } Lisa: It was done in 1131-1? } } Kendai: It has no point. } } Orrie: Does the supplicant think so? } } Kendai: No, but... } } Orrie: Why does it make sense to the supplicant? } } [ silence ] } } Orrie: The post literate generation is decidedly not }        linear. They see info as a whirlwind of discrete }        ideas and images. Think channel hopping with the }        remote, think web surfing, think books like the }        highly successful Guinness books of records that }        no one reads from cover to cover, think sampling, }        think listening to six conversations at once on }        the subway. No start, no end, little context just }        sound bites and pictures, advertisements and words. } } Zadoc: Will this be on the test? } } Lisa: Are we done? "Friends" starts in ten minutes. } } Kendai: Man, I need a smoke break.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  In your opinion what does 'ars' stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S TOP TEN DEFINITIONS OF 'ARS' } } 10). Amateur Radio Station -- Have you gotten YOUR license yet? } } 9). Already rented, sucka! (What you do NOT want to hear at the rental } car counter after a six-hour delay in your connecting flight the day } before the Christmas holiday rush is about to begin). } } 8). Astable Remote Suspension -- You're strung up by your shins to a } vibrator platform. } } 7). Agnostics Reveal Synchronicity -- With what is anyone's guess. } } 6). Always Rent Stability -- The stuff's far too expensive to buy, } especially after a night of bar-hopping. } } 5). Avenidas Recursivo Sumatra -- Where a Spanish-speaking Sumatran } tiger gets caught in a circular street. } } 4). Acrimonius Redundant Symbology -- Unnecessary barcodes with an } attitude. } } 3). Achoo! Rodent Support! (The sound of a research biochemist who is, } unfortunately, allergic to their lab rats). } } 2). Alchemist Ruins Sodomy (and has fun doing it!) } }          And the #1 breakdown for the abbreviation 'ARS...' } } 1). ABBA Reigns Supreme! (for the worst music ever created! I mean, } come on... "Dancing Queen" indeed!) } }          You owe the Oracle a definition for the abbreviation 'ZOT!'

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some people get completely offended if you open their > refrigerator without asking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Schrodinger is mostly known for his thought experiment involving } a cat in a box that is both alive and dead at the same time. He is } less well known for his less successful thought experiment in which } a person who has not yet opened the fridge is half alive and half dead. } } Suppose we take a person, a refrigerator, and the refrigerator's } owner; further suppose that the person is going to say, "I'm going } to get a can of pop from the fridge". There is a fifty-fifty chance } that the refrigerator's owner will think that the person opening } the fridge is a self-sufficient, relaxed friend who doesn't want to } bother his hosts to get something trivial like a can of pop. There is } also a fifty-fifty chance that the refrigerator's owner will think } that the person is a mooching, sonovabitch who's philandering with } the lady of the house and who must spend so much time there that he } thinks nothing of opening the fridge because it may as well be his. } This is especially true if there actually no pop in the refrigerator. } If the refrigerator's owner concludes the former, the person will } remain alive and stand much to gain at his beneficence. If the } refrigerator's owner concludes the latter, he will be very offended } and the person will be dead. Now the question, What is the state of } the person opening the fridge without asking after the hour? } } The only way to really tell is to open the fridge. Until then, you are } both a wonderful friend and a heartless bastard. Opening the fridge } collapses the waveform and you are either one or the other--alive or } dead. It is virtually impossible to tell both the speed and position } of a quantum particle, there are just probable places it could be, or } probable speeds it could be travelling. Likewise, it is impossible to } tell both the degree of psychosis of the fridge's owner and whether } there's actually pop in the fridge or not--there are just probable } degrees of psychosis and probable numbers of cans. Opening the fridge } and counting the number of cans changes the degrees of psychosis of the } fridge's owner since now, you must not be sleeping with his wife, on } account of you getting a can of pop. Changing the degrees of psychosis } of the refrigerator's owner by telling him that you are indeed sleeping } with his wife makes the number of cans in the fridge irrelevant. } } Personally, I liked the cat better. } } You owe the Oracle a can of pop.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the job opportunities for paranoids?  I know they don't > want to hire me anyway, but if they did, what would they have me do, > and what should I watch out for if I decide to take the job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many jobs for paranoids. In fact, they're really short on } paranoids. So much so that they're out looking for them. You may think } that they don't want to hire you, but that's what they want you to } think so they can find you more easily. Paranoids can do so many things } that other people can't--they can hear when people are talking about } certain subjects; they can sense if someone is out to get the company; } they're meticulous about details. And you can bet if someone's out to } brainwash the employees with subliminal messages that the paranoid is } going to pick it up first. But here's the catch that you have to really } watch out for: All the people that are around you are out to get you. } They've already been brainwashed to talk about you and they're really } good at hiding those subliminal messages. You might not even pick them } up unless you're really really clever. They'll be in the most } inconspicuous places--underneath the paint on the walls, meshed into } the carpets, _behind_ the screen that you're reading right now. So be } extra careful, but you must be ruthless. You might need to peel the } paint off to get through to those messages. But it's for their own } good--they shouldn't be talking about you anyways (it's never anything } good, is it?) And above all, don't touch anything--'cause everything's } covered in alien viruses.