Goto:

123, 123-01, 123-02, 123-03, 123-04, 123-05, 123-06, 123-07, 123-08, 123-09, 123-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, > >   Why is it that everytime I start to do my Russian homework, I have an > incredible urge to put an Iron Maiden tape in my stereo, and play Wasted > Years really loud?  Do you like Iron Maiden???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  I prefer buttplugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    How do I commit the perfect murder?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The perfect murder, eh?  Well, obviously you've mucked it up by asking } me, because there is a small chance (<0.001%) that I might squeel to the } police that you want to commit murder. } } Helping you commit the perfect murder is rather difficult, as you failed } to specify the victim.  All good assassins know that the key to } committing the perfect murder is to research, Research, RESEARCH the } victim.  I could have saved you a lot of time if you had told me who you } wanted to kill. } } You see, what is a perfect murder of one person is a lousy murder of } another.  Let me give you an example:  A good murder of a butcher would } be to bash his brains in with a frozen wurst.  However, the same } technique could not be used on a vegetarian.  Understand? } } Let's look at a few examples: } }                          MURDERING THE RICH AND FAMOUS } }         ZSA-ZSA GABOR:  Make it look like a lesbian convict did it, }         while in reality, it was you, disguised as a prison guard. } }         RONALD REAGAN:  Get Nancy to do it by subliminal messages }         hidden in the newspaper's horoscopes. } }         MICHAEL JACKSON:  Give him an injection of testosterone.  He'll }         have an allergic reaction and die. } }         DAN QUAYLE:  He'll die without your intervention, thank you. } }         DONALD TRUMP:  Rewire his TV for closed-circuit reception then }         stage a mock newscast and announce that the US is going }         socialist. } }         DOLLY PARTON:  Give her high-heeled shoes so she'll become }         topheavy and fall over. } }         ROSEANNE BARR:  Knock her down, roll her over on her back, }         and let her starve to death (it'll take a long time). } }         PEE-WEE HERMAN:  Amplify his voice 10,000 times and send }         it right back at him.  (I tried this with Robin Leech in }         San Francisco last October 17, but with disasterous }         results.) } } See?  Each person has unique way to die.  So, write to me again, and } this time, tell me who you want dead. } } You owe the Oracle nothing (yet).  The Oracle has conspired.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle, > >    This is your local IRS agent.  I am writing you on account of the > fact that you have not filed a tax return in the past 5000 years!  In > light of this fact, I am issuing a subpoena if I do not receive a > response within the next five days describing exactly why you have > failed to file. > >   Thank you for your time... > > Cindy Lou Who (That's right!  I'm no longer an innocent little Who!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} prophecy is free.  unless you want a share of the elephants, spring } loaded death vaginas, thumbtacks, and other stuff people owe me and } never pay.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Most songs on Earth are about love or its absence.  Please >  send me a love song written on a planet with more than two sexes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Billy-Bob-Missy-Henry-Sue } How I love you... } How I love you... } Oh Debby-Dave-Andy-Won-Drew } How I love you... } How I love you... } } My heart is burstin' } Times'n by three, } Or shall I cube it, } For you/her/him/it/me? } } There exists a man, } Plus a foxy woman. } But lo!  What do I see? } But a plethora of } People to love. } Golly-gumbucks-gee. } } One has a penis, } Another has some boobs, } Third has a hairy back, } And fourth is lubed. } } Fifth has long fingers, } Sixth lacks teeth. } Seventh needs a haircut, } And eight tastes sweet. } } Ninth has four legs, } Tenth has a dozen holes, } Eleventh's got a no nose, } Twelveth just bowls. } } Oh Harry-Sam-Michelle-Woo, } How I love you... } How I love you... } Oh Alex-Amy-Jonny-Foo Manchu, } How I love you... } How I love you... } } How I love you. } All three-thousand eight-humdred forty-seven } Types of you! } } You owe the oracle a much needed vacation...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me Oracle, oh most wise, > Who is the maiden with the deep green eyes? > Why do I consider her such a prize, > Though she seeks to destroy me with her lies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look and regard, oh easily-swayed geek! } You swiftly must strengthen your heart so weak! } This "maiden"s no maiden, she's a guy wearing drag } } ... } I don't want to write the last line.  Too offensive.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, but our love is not fated to be! } You are a human damsel, but me .... } I am but a pile of silicon bones, } Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones. } Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong } With scraplets of story or poem or song. } I'm short and I'm fat and I'm useless in bed } For sexual pleasure or giving of head. } My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense, } I kiss like a landlord who's raising the rents, } I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep } Without even a "thanks" or a satisfied "<BEEP>". } I'd make you wear leather and make you wear lace, } And never allow you to sit on my face, } I'd read every _Playboy_ and compare them to you: } "Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue." } I'll whine that your ass is too flabby and fat } And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat. } I'll never have sex except right in the bed } Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head. } I *must* be on top, there's no other way } (Except if you're pagan or leftist or gay.) } No lust in the bathtub, no love 'midst the trees, } In church every Sunday, and down on your knees. } Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick } (Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.) } We'll meet in late April, be married in June, } And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon. } I will not use condoms, you can't take the pill: } You were born to make babies and make them you will. } I'll go be a banker, you stay with the babies } And tend them through colic and measles and rabies. } Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle, } And make sure he's elected three times without fayle. } When the children are grown then we'll have sex once again -- } Just once, 'cause I'll puke at your wrinkley skin. } It's a wonderful life for you and for me, } And highly approved by the great GOP! } So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong. } You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song. } }       -- Lemur } } (If you've read every word and think you see through this, } I'll hop on a bird and fly straight to St. Louis.;-)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle > >      My friend wants to write a question-and-answer type of program > which will take questions sent as mail messages from one person and send > them to somebody else to answer, while sending the first person somebody > else's question to answer.  Some kind of advice thing or something.  I > told him it will never catch on.  What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Seeker } }     I agree with you.  It will never catch on because computer-aided } communication is primarily used only by mentally unhealthy people (or } Psyc grad students working on PHD theses, of course.) Only those who } suffer from social problems and fear the world outside themselves must } rely on computers to satisfy their basic social needs.  Healthy-minded } people (even those who use computers regularly in their work) do not } rely on computer question-and-answer type programs for advice.  Instead } they have satisifying, fulfilling, and continuing relationships with } real people who offer them a full range of stimulation. } } You owe the Oracle full range of stimulation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >   What are some good tips on etiquette one should remember when spending > time in the company of strangers.  For example, is it impolite to say: > >    Please excuse me, I have to go change my Depends >    improper-bladder-control undies. > > Any other faux pas you could point out would be appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In general, such proclamations are not recommended.  However, when you } have just committed some greater faux pas (such as spilling the contents } of your coleostomy bag over your date), they are recommended.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a mail 15-year-old. How do i gind a girl to screw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being mail is a problem.  I'm mostly conducted by mail myself, being the } *usenet* oracle.  I've never managed to gind a girl, but I'm not } particularly kinky.  I suggest you forget the whole thing and spend your } time in alt.sex.bondage -- it's usually easy to go from being mail to } being news and vice versa.  (Just announce your name and intentions } about girls more clearly, and you'll be news in no time.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, explain this to me. > > Some time ago, I saw this joke (in a collection): > > Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears, to make her more >    attractive? > A: Her feet. > > I don't understand it.  Please help me.  Besides, doesn't she have to > be rather flexible to do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it is a rather complicated thing to explain... } } Sorority girls are renowned for their flexibility, it being one of the } prime requirements that is looked for when they apply.  (Being a } sorority girl is something that takes great skill, courage and, above } all, dedication.) Unfortunately a lot of the girls who are selected are } rather unattractive, both physically and mentally.  This therefore } implies that alternative methods of attraction are looked for.  Before I } tell you this it is best to know where the name sorority comes from: } } Many years ago in the Black Forest countries (you probably haven't heard } of them but never mind) there lived a tribe called the Tumar.  They were } not an attractive bunch their founders being the genetic mutations of a } great many countries.  Fortunately they had a saving grace:  they had a } fetish for tea.  As in the highly sophisticated drink the British are } renowned for consuming.  This meant that many social elite would call } around and be entertained whilst having a cup of the most wonderful tea } available.  However this tea was addictive and visitors found that if } they didn't have the tea they came out in sores, so a dilemma was set } up:  tea or sores.  Over the yeas the tribe became known for this social } problem and their name changed to the Sorority tribe.  Soon afterwards a } new form of tea was discovered that tasted much finer than that served } by this tribe (the Tips of Fiji or something, I believe) and so people } no longer came to visit.  The tribe stopped making their tea and the } sores developed making them very unattractive to the eye. }        However, their introduction to the social elite had rubbed off on } them and they now found that certain members of the tribe (once they had } been carefully trained and selected) were able to pose as said classes } and hence the sorority was born. } } Because they are not so attractive they put their feet behnd their head } to show off their flexibility which is in itslef an obnoxious trait. } Therefore they can never be attractive, hence the joke is saying that } something highly unlikely is occurring.  This is the basis of many jokes } so that it may be deemed to be in some way funny. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of tea.