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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I challenge you to a battle of wits. > > [Pause] > > I'll take that as a yes. > > [Opens a vial] > > Smell but do not touch. What you fail to smell is Iocaine powder; it is > odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in water, and is among the > more deadly poisons known to man. > > [Takes two cups of water, turns his back, and turns back around. The > vial is empty.] > > Alright, where is the poison?  The battle of wits has begun.  It ends > when you decide and we both drink; and then we discover who is right, > and who is dead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Huh. } } Well, I cannot choose the glass in front of me, for it would be the } blantantly obvious thing to put the poison in the glass of your } adversary, which is to say, me.  However, only a great fool, as Vizini } would say, would do the blatantly obvious thing, so therefore I cannot } choose the glass in front of you. } } However, I can derive the answer from what I know of you.  Iocaine } powder comes from fiction, which means you must come from fiction, } which means you don't really exist.  That would all be well and good, } if not for the fact that I am fictional also, and therefore can be } harmed by Iocaine powder and other fictional poisons. } } I also know you're a copy-cat, so I must simply consult the film from } which you copied from in order to determine that in fact BOTH glasses } are poisoned, and therefore I need not drink from either, as either } will kill me.  Therefore, I need to find an alternate solution by } looking at the speech shortly before you scene, noting that Vizini says } he and Wesley are at an impasse because he can't compete with Wesley } physically, and Wesley can't advance without the princess dying.  The } catch (and resolution) is that in this case I can compete with you } physically, and in fact, cannot conceivably lose! } } In case you haven't figured it out yet, ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle Indigo and Fezik as recuriing injokes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, beautifier of the flame damaged region we call USENET, >  Senior Citizen of The Web, Wisest entity to ever use email, > >  How does a spelling flame differ from make fun of how someone >  talks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is simple, really.  Making fun of a spelling error } draws attention to a lexical error, whereas a grammar error } concerns either incorrect syntax or semantics. } } By the way, I noticed that you used the phrase "make fun" in your } question.  You should have said "making fun" instead.  It is not } clear to me whether you misspelled "making" or failed to } comprehend the basic rules which govern the proper form of a word } in a given context.  In the first case, this would make you an } uneducated slob.  In the second case, you would likely be termed } an ignorant boob.  In either case, you would be an illiterate } dolt. } } You owe the Oracle an Abstract Syntax Tree with a couple lexemes } on the side.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Please help me settle this argument I'm having with my father. >  I think we need a new sceptic system, but he does not believe that >  we do.  (He hardly ever believes anything anyone tells him, and >  insists on much too solid proof.) > >  What can I do to convince him of the need for a new sceptic system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Oracle authoritatively snaps open his cell phone and }   punches in one number. ] } } <ringa-ringa-ring> } } Yahweh: Hello Orrie, what can I do for you today? } } Orrie: I just got an email from your boy. } } Yahweh: Jesus! } } Orrie: Yes, that one. } } Yahweh: Don't tell me. He's whining about the sewer system }         again. } } Orrie: Yeah. } } Yahweh: Well, Mr. Know-it-all, what's your opinion? } } Orrie: The system you have -is- kind of old. And a lot shit }        has been raining down on the humans of late. } } Yahweh: Do you have any idea how much it'll cost to retro- }         fit all the ceramic thrones in Heaven? Don't answer }         that. Okay, fine. I'll do it. Sheesh, that kid always }         worrying about the humans. } } Orrie: You hit the nail on the head. } } Yahweh: Don't cross me! } } [ Both laugh.]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Wise and pal of Walt Disney. You are a Deity With Divine > Foresight who knows a good hind-sight when he sees one. Please hear > this mortal's question.  Please enlighten me, Oh Great Oracle! > > What are ten ways I could make sure my name is never forgotten for > the rest of time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle speaks: } } 10: Bring an end to War, Famine and Pestilence } }  9: Develop Freeware that will replace Windows } }  8: Develop a practical FTL starship drive. } }  7: Perfect room temperature super conductors. } }  6: Perfect cold fusion } }  5: Short out the Energizer Bunny } }  4: Prove you received a message from John }      Lennon saying that "Elvis isn't here". } }  3: Write a treatise, using 500 words or less, that }      will explain how to understand the opposite }      gender. } }  2: Change your name to Craig Shergold } }  1: Explain why, after 98 episodes in 3 seasons, }      "The Professor" couldn't patch that hole in the }      SS Minnow. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Mary Anne } [Dawn Wells] posing in those wonderful shorts.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wide awake Oracle, He that can find his way around in the > dark, Immortal Most Extraordinary and cool guy to hang with, > > Do vampires like orange juice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle speaks: } } Only from Blood Oranges. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of Anita Bryant's last Album.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  WHY IS CHOCOLATE SO GOOD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because it knows you're watching it.  Try setting up one of those } secret pinhole spy cameras, and you just might find out where your } socks have been going whenever you leave the house, who's been drinking } your 30 year scotch, and why the cat's been walking funny lately. } }       You owe the Oracle some vanilla extract.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and sober Oracle, what did alcoholics do before alcohol was > discovered??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Got eaten. } } You owe the Oracle a method of fermenting a sabre-tooth tiger.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would it, cosmically speaking, matter if I don't do my homework for > last friday, that I now have to do for tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Short answer: Yes. } } Long answer: Remember that Chaos Theory thingamabob? Everything } matters. Here's how I can find a chain of events leading to something } important. } } 1. If you don't do your homework, your teacher will spend 10 seconds } less time grading homework tomorrow night. } } 2. That 10 seconds is enough to put her into a window where she meets } the man of her dreams at the shoppoing mall. } } 3. That man (who I am reluctant to name) will also fall hopelessly in } love, and they will marry after a few months of dating, the man forever } to abandon his lifelong dream of being a bag man at the local } supermarket. } } 4. The person that replaces him, if he hadn't been a bag man, would } have been a hobo beggar out on the streets. } } 5. One of the people that would have donated her spare change to the } beggar, would have been able to get a soda, and so would be on a } caffeine binge.. } } 6. That caffeine took away her the ability to do her telephone routing } job. If she hadn't done it, a few unknowing people trying to contact } the Honest Advice Hotline instead got the Crazy Psychic Hotline. } } 7. The crazy psychics advise someone not to go into politics. She would } have been the 47th president of the US. } } 8. She would have been elected, and one of her policies would be not to } go into World War III, preventing the destruction of mankind. } } You see, that's why you need to do your homework. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you will.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most divine Oracle, whose wisdom knows no bounds, before whom I bow > and scrape like the lowly lump of flesh that I am, please tell me: > > Are we in for a long reign of military action mixed with terrorist > strikes? I want to know what the future holds for New York City, for > America, and for the world.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry, supplicant. The Taliban will hand over bin Laden, he'll be } given a fair trial and appropriate treatment. The US will remove its } troops from the Middle East and then carry out an exetensive revision } of its foreign policy. Peace will quickly break out. } } The first flying pig will be sighted shortly thereafter. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of rose tinted spectacles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bad jokes bad jokes > What'cha gonna do > What'cha gonna do > When they come for you > Bad jokes bad jokes > What'cha gonna do > What'cha gonna do > When they come for you > > Nobody naw give you no break > Priest naw give you no break > Kinzler naw give you no break > Not even your in-jokes naw give you no break > > Bad jokes bad jokes > What'cha gonna do > What'cha gonna do > When they come for you > > PRIESTS is filmed on location with the men and women of Oracular > enforcement. > > All submissions are considered funny until proven otherwise in a court > of humor.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Scene: In a car, a red Yugo to be exact, driven by a cute, }   green haired girl with a pierced left nipple, which of course }   we can't see, but sense is there. The Yugo is parked in the }   parking lot of some ubiquitous mid-western college. A string }   attached to a paper cup runs from a nearby window to the }   car near the women's brightly dyed head.] } } Kirsten: I became a preist because I wanted to help people }          laugh. I was so naive. I thought I'd be helping }          little chicken jokes cross the road, but no. I find }          most of my day is spend fending off instant resubmits }          of mind numbing lameness, arrogant cowbirds, and tired }          old in-jokes that simple refuse to die. } } [ The string attached to the cup shakes violently. The camera }   pans to the window from which the string emantes, a man is }   there waving his arms back and forth. Kirsten puts an ear }   to the cup. ] } } Kirsten: What? Huh? What? SPEAK UP! } } [ Kirsten starts up the Yugo, puts it in neutral, opens the }   door, and wanders off leaving the car idling. She walks to }   the window and talks to the man. She returns promptly. ] } } Kirsten: Looks bad. Supplicant 'F' is holded up in a cardboard }          box down near one of the Frat Houses. } } [ The Yugo sputters, then rolls off at break wind speed towards }   the Frat House. ] } } Kirsten: Sup 'F' is a resumbitter. Has ten non-joke statements }          that he resubmits over and over again, clogging the }          queue and keeping actually funny submissions on 24 }          hour hold. He used to send in "Where's the remote?" }          crossover jokes by the bushel, but now. . . } } [ The Yugo lurches to a stop as a white faced MIME leaps in }   front of the car. Kirsten tries to back the vehicle up, but }   her way is blocked by the entire extended crew of Star Trek.] } } Kirsten: It's an ambush! } } [ She snaps open the glove box and pulls out a dead carrier }   pigeon which she flings out the window. Briefly attached }   to the pigeon's leg is a Post-It note reading "Help!". ] } } Kirsten: Run away! Run Away! } } [ Kirsten exits the car, and is immediately engulfed by a }   swarm of sexual innuendoes about Lisa. A steady hail of }   log files rains down on the car, chucked from a far. ] } } Kirsten: AHH! It's /bin/login! Call 911! 911! } } [ fade to black ]