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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can stare down Ghidrah and has more birdcage litter than > Rodan: > > Got any suggestions for where I can make my fall rampage? > > -Godzilla

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the fact that Tokyo and the surrounding area can be lovely in } the autumn, perhaps you're ready for a change of scenery. } } If you want someplace where you can just kick back and relax, it's hard } to beat the Southwest Pacific. Bali might be a good choice - the } weather is very similar to the Jurassic period when you were born, and } the natives know how to keep a secret when a celebrity is in town. You } could probably arrange a day trip to the Phillipines if you want to } take a nice relaxing soak in a volcano, too. And Bali isn't that far } away as Gamara flies - a bargain in terms of travel expenses. } } If excitement is what you're looking for, by all means Antarctica is } THE place to be! Mountains to climb, ravines to hurdle - and it'll be } springtime when you arrive, which means the glacier surfing will be } tremendous! If you get a little homesick, there are plenty of } scientists in isolated bases to terrorize. It'll be just like home, but } without the noisy artillery! } } If nightlife is your thing, it's hard to beat Rio de Janeiro. The } music, the women, the beaches, the wine, the WOMEN! In a land where the } language has no word for "no," you'll find plenty of company! And } maybe, just maybe, you can get a part as an extra in a music video. } } But let's face it - when it comes to rampaging, there's no place like } home. Tokyo is the giant lizard's dream: cardboard buildings, } ineffectual military, plenty of radioactive hotspots, sushi bars on } every corner. That's why all the really BIG monsters go there. Granted, } it gets a little crowded during the tourist season, but it's YOUR home } turf, Big Guy! Mark that territory one more time - you'll be glad you } did! } } You owe the Oracle snaps of your trip. But please be careful with the } film this time - the last roll was fogged by radiation.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, are you playing fast and loose with the fabric of space and time > again? What did your father tell you about that, dear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP 10 THINGS THE ORACLE'S FATHER TOLD HIM } } 10. Chicks dig it when you come to them in the shape of a bull. }  9. Or a swan. }  8. But only when your wife isn't around. }  7. Giving birth to a daughter from your forehead is a BITCH. }  6. When you're offered the pile with the fat and the pile with the }     meat, go with the meat.  It tastes better. }  5. That Prometheus.  What an asshole. }  4. The ZOT staff is not a toy.  People are toys, and you zot them with }     the ZOT staff. }  3. Try to avoid being on Olympus on Thursdays.  That's when they serve }     liver. }  2. When picking sides in a war, always change a few times.  Keeps the }     mortals guessing. }  1. Playing around fast and loose with the fabric of space and time is }     a trip, isn't it?  Hey, lookit what you can do when... } } You owe the Oracle an umblemished ram.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, how did you come to hire Zadoc?  If it isn't > confidential or anything like that, could you tell me how his interview > went?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I let it be known among the noble gods and clever deities, the foxy } nymphs and wizened immortals that I, the Oracle, was in need of a } right hand man. A helpmate of unparalleled wit, cunning on par with } a wolverine, and moral integrity that could be called into question } by none. Plus they had to be willing to work for peanuts as I am } known far and wide for running a non-union shop. } } As you can well imagine only a few meet my lofty qualifications, } yet they came. A battle scarred cohort of Mars', a pair of talking } buzzards from the Anasazi, a genie once of Tibet, the very architect } himself of the Tower of Babel, a grandpup of Anubis, a thought once } uttered by Tian, a con man from the treasury house of Sulla, and six } or seven more... What a grand ensemble they were! } } Out onto the temple lawn they gathered in their magnificence to partake } of a grand feast before the games of wit and strength I had planned } for them. The winner would earn his place in history at my side. } } Then I heard that sound! A sound I can never forget! The steady } -ding-ding-ding- of the caterers from "Dionysos' Grub and Suds" } backing up a gaudily painted delivery truck full of food. -ding- } ding-ding-ding- went that backup bell as the truck backed up and } over the assembled horde! I, myself, barely escaped with my skin! } The waste of accumulated wisdom! The damage to my best lawn chairs! } I shudder to think of it even now! } } I ran to the truck and dragged out the blithering fool behind the wheel } resolving to torture the worm forever. The driver was of course, Zadoc.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy Orrific Oracular Oraclesse, > > Could you please tell me what happened the day the Atog died?  I have > the distinct impression it has something to do with the revival > of Disco and the sudden interest in edible underwear and american > cheese wiz.  If you could shed a light in this matter? I see a pattern > forming but can't put it together.  As a new introduced service charge > (in effect since world peace has finally been established) I hereby > offer you this magnificent Turkish Feta with extra green molds and > these three fermented corn pellets.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long long time ago } I can still remember how questions used to make me smile } And I knew if I had my drothers } That I could answer questions for others } And maybe they'd be happy for a while. } } But a recent post made me shiver } With every answer I'd deliver } Bad news in the inbox } I couldn't make any more mocks } } I can't remember if I cried } When I read about his sorry hide } But something touched me deep inside } The day that Atog died } } So } {Refrain} } Bye-bye, Mr. Oracle Guy } Drove my chariot to the Marriott } But the price was too high } And them good old boys were eatin' bad take-out Thai } Typin' this'll be the day that I die } This'll be the day that I die } } Did you phrase your question or a novel } And did you remember to properly grovel } If the Oracle tells you so? } Do you believe in proper grammar } Can you speak without a stammer } And can you teach me how to answer "tellme" with a simple no? } } Well, I know that you're in love with Lisa } 'Cause I saw you eyein' her pizza } You both grabbed the same slice } Man, I dig Jasmine rice! } } He was a lonely teenage programming freak } Who hadn't bathed in more than a week } But I knew I had to answer this geek } The day that Atog died } } I started thinkin' } {Refrain} } } Now for ten years I've been on my own } Zadoc grows fat on provalone } But that's not how it used to be } When the Usenet only had 100 posts } Chat rooms had less 'bots and more live hosts } And a voice that came from you and me } } Oh, and while the Atog was shopping for cheese } A spammer whacked him in the knees } The courtroom was adjourned } No verdict was returned } And while Lisa read an O'Reilly book } I happened to take a wild-eyed look } At the weird turn this song took } The day that Atog died } } We were hacking } {Refrain} } } Mister Mister played with Twisted Sister } Someone shot at Lisa but they missed her } We never found the grassy knoll } The bullet landed in the lake } Hit Bill Gates, but it was fake } We never did figure out if it was a troll } } Atog ran a discoteque } Ate Fritos and watched Star Trek } But we liked him anyway } Oh, but he never got the chance } To realize his dream to dance } The knee braces refused to yield } Do you recall what was revealed } The day that Atog died } } We started posting } {Refrain} } } Oh, the answers were in their place } But there I was, egg on my face } With no response witty enough to say } Oh come on, Mary had a little lamb } A little mint jelly and some spam } And I knew that nothing would be the same after today } } Oh, and as I watched him on the stage } Go-go dancers wiggling in a cage } I watched him fall to the lighted floor } Lisa said that she was bored } And as he tumbled down the stairs } People started dancing in pairs } Because disco dancers just don't care } The day that Atog died } } He was screaming } {Refrain} } } I met a girl in edible underwear } And I asked her if she would care } But she just smiled and turned away } I went down to the sacred store } Where I'd eaten Cheeze Whiz years before } But the man there said please just go away } } And in the streets the AOL'ers screamed } Compuserve cried, and the Prodigy dreamed } But not a word was typed out } NetZero had been wiped out } And the posters I admired most } Lost their DNS and their mail was toast } I couldn't even eat Lisa's pot roast } The day that Atog died } } And they were flaming } {Refrain} } } They were double-posting bye-bye, Mr. Oracle Guy } Drove my chariot to the Marriott } But the price was too high } And them good old boys were eatin' bad take-out Thai } Typin' this'll be the day that I die } } You owe the Oracle another box of Kleenex, it's been a bad week, thank } you SO much...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If we keep shooting rockets into space then the amount of mass > on earth should be decreasing, right? Plus we're burning all > that oil leaving big holes in the earth, right? So the earth > has less mass than in the past....Soooooo, sooner or later the > earth's gravity field will be so slight we can just leap into > orbit, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes, this *would* be true except for the fact that the } mass of the anal probes and mind control mechanisms brought } onto the planet by X-files type aliens more than makes up for } these losses. Dieticians may be bemoaning the obese nature of } the American populace these days, but they forget to take into } account the fact that every third individual is wired up } better than Arecibo, and transmitting every single body noise } back to Sirius. } } This is what happens when really advanced civilizations get } into "reality TV". Be warned.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am studying the OSI Model, could you please explain it to me in easy > terms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly. Nothing delights the oracle more than explaining basic } computer science. Over the years educational theorists have determined } that there are two types of computer science students - those who have } an instinctive grasp of what's going on, and those who need to have it } beaten into them with a blunt stick. Here goes. } } OSI (standing of course for Oracle / Supplicant Interface) is a layered } way of describing the way in which two entities communicate. At the top } we have the most abstract version of the communication, at the bottom } we have the most detailed way. In between we have every protocol whose } sponsor or proprietry owner had enough clout or cash to get it included } in the model. } } The model looks something like this: } } APPLICATION LAYER - that's you, the applicant. You're applying yourself }                   using an email program. } } PRESENTATION LAYER - This is how you're going to present your question. } It includes language and syntax, with bonus points for how well you } grovel.  In a simple world, you just ask questions. In an IT world, you } ask questions in a particular format. } } SESSION LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask questions in a } particular format. In a computer theorists world, you have to ask them } starting and ending at a particular time and between two particular } places. (Alternatively this refers to your next counselling apointment } after you've tried to get your mind around the transport layer). } } TRANSPORT LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask questions in a } particular format, starting and  ending at a particular time and in a } particular place. In a protocol theorists world, you need to consider } what happens if I don't hear the entire question, and you need to } repeat some of it. } } NETWORK LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask formatted questions } starting and ending at a particular time and in a particular place } using a particular transport protocol. In a system engineer's world, } you need to consider the path that the question is going to take to } get from you to me, and how it's going to find that path. } } DATA LINK LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask formatted questions } starting and ending at a particular time and in a particular place } using a particular transport protocol via a particular path. In a } network engineer's world, this is going to take some hardware. } } PHYSICAL LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask formatted questions } starting and ending at a particular time and in a particular place } using a particular transport protocol via a particular path using } particular hardware.  In a digital engineer's world, you need to } transform the message into voltages, pulses of light, or smoke signals. } } See, it's easy. } } You owe the oracle a 7-decker sandwich.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I pass my degree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being all knowing, I shall answer this for all possible scenarios. } } 1)  Yes, the Pepto-Bismol (tm) will do the trick.  However, I think } that we all would appreciate it if you didn't hang it back up, thank } you very much. } 2)  No, in it's rolled up form, it is more aerodynamic than you, } which allows it to obtain a higher terminal velocity than you. } 3)  Yes, In two hours your temperature will exceed 108 degrees, at } which point terminal brain damage will occur. } 4)  No, you shouldn't have spent so much time partying that last year. } } You owe the Oracle sky-diving lessons.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle of Oracleness, please tell me why we drive on parkways > and park on driveways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Same reason you forward emails that had stopped being funny before } you were even born.  Giving microelectronics to a bunch of apes was } a mistake. } } Andy Grove owes Prometheus a substitution.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, each of your answers is as unique as the finger- > prints of a prince, as different from the answer before as two > flakes in an Indiana flurry, > > Do commas hate asterisks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all. Theirs is an unusual relationship of mutual admiration. } Asterisks admire the quantity in which commas are used and commas have } always admired the fact that asterisks are used to highlight important } parts. } } The keyboard is not without its animosity. } } Ever since the e-mail came about, quite a few keys have taken a jealous } disliking to the @ symbol. } The @ symbol's attitude has become almost intolerable. It seems as } though it has to be at the center of everything. } It's been so insufferable, in fact, that it recently argued its inane } necessity in website URLs ... like it needs to be everywhere. Talk } about an inflated sense of self worth. } } As for the rivalry between / and \ , they've been unbearable since the } days of DOS. } Each one still argues that one is more important than the other. } Heck, 60% of all computer users still haven't figured out which one is } the forward slash and which one is the back slash. } } I'm not even going to mention the quibbling between ~ and ` much less } between the identity crisis between ' and `. } Thank goodness the < and > (great than / less than) signs never had a } problem. They were always such logical twins. } } Though I wish - would stop being so negative and + would be more } realistic. Still, it could be worse on the keyboard with = being so } even tempered ... even during times of war. } } By the way, one last note ... } } ; is male } : is female } } Try not to confuse them. They're rather sensitive about that. } } In Truth, } The Oracle

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, someone just told me about a charity to provide free and > unlimited Lucky Strikes for spammers. Is the charity legit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely.  Each spammer gets as many lit cigarettes as he can carry. } The charity is *very* generous, and will continue to find ingenious } places that a cigarette can be carried, long after the spammer claims } to have all he wants.  Not that anyone can tell that's what he's } saying, of course, with all those packs of cigarettes stuffed in his } mouth (to begin with). } } You owe the Oracle a picture of the face of the first spammer to } receive the charity's largess.