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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Abtruse and upsetting Oracle, I never understand even the most simple > things you say.  Is this because I'm a supplicant, or just an idiot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, agelastic supplicant, it could be because of your anserine } behavior.  Or maybe your sanguine, seersucker clothing.  Ditch the } liripipe, for crying out loud!  It does nothing to enhance your izzat, } nor your pulchritude.  Now lest you slip into omphaloskepsis or accuse } me of committing nothosonomia, understand that my subderisorious } jocoseriousity seeks to help you avoid becoming an opsimath. } } You owe the Oracle some self-contumelious groveling, an osculation, } and a glossary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The Tailor of Indiana >  A Novel >  By Orrie Le Carre

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Chapter One } }       I knew the second that dame walked into my office } she'd be trouble.  French perfume, a long black cigarette } holder and even longer legs.  Trouble. }       Right here.  In River City. }       She sat down, blew secondhand smoke in my face, } and opened her purse. }       "I hear you're a man people come to when they } have...problems.  Is that right?"  Her voice was low and } husky and made all kinds of dark promises.  A wad of bills } appeared on my blotter and her purse shut with an audible } 'snick'. }       A nice, thick wad that could keep me in bourbon } and buttonholes for a year, if I stretched it right. }       "Depends on who you've been talking to, sister.  What } kind of problem?"  I raked her with my eyes, from Italian } leather pump to her mink stole.  She sure made it easy work. }       "I need a tailor." }       She stood and paced over to look out my window, down } at the thieves and pimps, down at the crusty underside of } the city. }       "A classy dame like you could hire a hundred tailors } for that much dough.  What's the catch?" }       She stopped just a handsbreadth away from me, glanced } down at the money on the desk.  Then back at me, her eyes } seconding all the dark promises her voice had started. }       "Band uniforms," she said, just as our lips met. } I knew I was lost.  She had me in her spell. }       I would sew them. } }       You owe the Oracle a stiff shot and 500 yds of gold } braided trim.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sex is what happens when a man and a woman...hmm, no, that's not } quite it. Sex is what happens when two (or more) people get together } and...do stuff. You know, nookie? No? Lovemaking? No? Ok, you must } know about the birds and the bees? No? *sigh* I thought not. } } Ok, the bird comes along and sticks its beak into the..hmm, no } that's not quite it. The bee comes along and sticks its...well, } you see, it's like inserting tab A into slot B. Only you do it a lot } of times and the result can be more boxes if you're not careful, or } worse yet, tab A gets something from slot B and falls off. Or slot B } gets something from tab A and then you have to smear goopy cream all } over slot B, during which time inserting tab A into slot B is just } not going to happen, what kind of slot do you think B is anyways? } Meanwhile, tab A is busily being inserted into slot C or D, without } even so much as a phone call the day after. And tab M just looks on } just wishing it could be tab A, because nice tabs never get any slots. } And then there's tab F who actually likes tab R, but isn't sure if tab } R folds that way. Slot C eventually finds out about slot D and they } all find out about slot B, who in turn finds out about slot C and D } and in a vengeful plot, tears tab A from its box in a fit of passion. } Slot C ends up meeting tab M, and it turns out tab M fits perfectly } into slot C--no jostling or forceful cramming at all. Tab and slot } C are joined forever by tab K, who has sworn not to insert itself } into anything and a few months later, there are new tabs and slots } and everyone, except for A, is happy. } } And that, my son, is how corrugated cardboard boxes are made.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows the source code for Windows XP and the > number of Kookaburras in Spain, I ask thee this: > Because of the recession, the thought occurred to me to save on my > grocery bills by cooking the roadkill I find on the highway in front of > my house. Do you have any recipes or cooking tips for opposum, skunk, > squirrel, raccoon, etc? Any help would be appreciated!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gadzooks! } } Youngsters now a days! One little economic downturn and they } think they have to turn into modern day wingless carrion fowl } to survive! } } Sonny, your great-grandparents weathered the Great Depression & } WW II without eating carcasses off the dirt roads of America! } They toiled hard and long in victory gardens and hunted for } venison! And they were happy to do it too, by gum! } } And your grandparents dealt with the doldrums of the 1950's } bravely downing TV dinners off of wobbly impossibly thin trays } before = Black & White = televisions with only three channels! } And did they even think of eating varmints? No, they watched } "The Beaver" with smiles on their faces, not waiting around like } ghouls besides highways and turnpikes waiting for his rodent } relatives to get sent to the great beyond by drunken motorists. } } And your so briefly married parents, they had to endure Disco! } And Jerry Ford! And the horror of the Mayaguez incident! And did } they deal with this by waiting on the edges of interstates for } critters to be squished by eighteen wheelers? No! They just } downed a handful of valium and wished their lives had some } meaning. } } And now you! You've lost your 75k a year job making web pages } and are all set to suck the smelly raw marrow out of a fetid } flattened skunk's femur! Tough up man! Get a grip on yourself. } You should be ashamed. Get out there and wave a flag or wear a } crystal on your forehead or something. } } You owe the Oracle a cure for acne.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I want your knowledge > then I need to grovel > Oracle has told me so! > > If I really have to > then I better do so > Come on Orrie, help me grow! > > I've heard persistent rumors that Rod Stewart and Kim Carnes are the > same person. They have the same voice, the same hair, and are never > seen together. Are the rumors true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } No, the rumours are quite untrue. Rod Stewart and Kim Carnes are in } fact twins who were gestated completely in test tubes full of lime } J-ello. Kim's embryo was frozen away for a few years while they tried } the new "test-tube" baby rearing with Rod, but with Rod's unprecedented } successful music career, scientists thawed Kim out in the hopes of the } two siblings coming together to form a music group whose talent would } rival the Beatles. However, quite early on in their relationship, it } was clear that Rod did not get along with his twin, accusing her of } being "genetic backwash". Kim was not completely innocent either } though, and always harboured a deep-seated resentment of Rod never } returning her hair dryer. The two had a falling out very early in an } incident involving a paper plane, Mrs. Scott's black poodle, the TV } repain man, a strip of copper and the little pull tab thingy that makes } things pop-up in pop-up books. They have never spoken since, much less } visited one another, which is why you, dear supplicant, have made the } very elementary mistake of assuming they were one and the same.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm just starting to learn computer programming.  I want to be a > softwear developooper.  How do I do that? > > Oh, I need to grovel, too, but I'm too stupid today.  You're > so smart that you can pretend I did, I'm sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got what it takes to work at Micro$oft, it oozes right } out of every pore of your letter. Contact them. Just leave the } Oracle's name out of it, will ya?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most rocking Oracle, who does the unskinny bop all night and day, > who not for a minute accepted Van Hagar, who feeds the world and lets > them know it's Christmas time, yea, who GOES TO ELEVEN: > > If VH1 is "Music First", what is VH2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is the nether world where Disco lives, it is the second rung of } hell. } } you owe the Oracle an 8-track player

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one, who might even know the answer to this question, > > Three girls all say the other likes me. I've received emails and seen > hints as proof of all, but I just can't tell who the one who really > likes me is. I'd like to know, because I intend to have a LOTR date, > and it would be nice to go with someone who likes me, too...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget likes! } } If she's going to the first "Lord of the Rings" film you need to } find out if she knows the insider scoops about the film! } } Give each gal this quick and easy five question quiz! } =============================================================== } } 1) Why was Arwen substituted for Glorfindel at The Fords? } }    a) Liv Tyler looks hotter than Andy Rooney who was slated to play }       Glorfindel. }    b) If Glorfindel was there everyone watching the film would }       be puzzled why a proven balrog killer like Glorfindel was }       left behind, while a fool of a Took became one of The Walkers. }    c) If Arwen wasn't introduced in first film in a memorial way }       everyone would forget about her by the time part 3 was }       released and the big wedding occurs. }    d) Letterman said kinky horse and stream jokes worked better }       with Liv TYler than anyone else. } } 2) Now that tragic events of 9/11 have forced the director to }    rename the second part to something less sensitive than "The }    Two Towers" what will the 2nd installment be called? } }   a) LotR II }   b) A Pair of Ancient Structures from which One can See }      Faraway }   c) Director Jackson has no intention of changing the }      second part's name }   d) Arwen and the Warrior Sex Goddess' Main Assets } } 3) Which of the following never filmed episodes should have }    been included in the film and why? } }   a) The Barrow-wights, since that's where Merry's blade came }      from, the single most important weapon of The Third Age }   b) The entire real-time Entmoot, since then we could determine }      if the Ents understood how they were living out Tolkien's }      retelling of a scene from "MacBeth". }   c) The Steamy Tubs of Buckland, since then we could clear up }      how Fatty Bolger got his name }   d) Tom Bombadil, since for once and all everyone could realize }      how little importance this meaningless rag doll of a silly }      character is } } 4) Why was the "Fool of a Took" scene moved to the Hall of Records? } }   a) To speed up the film, which by then was already 2 hours and 40 }      minutes long }   b) Dwarf Union rules mandated that each room have at least -two- }      memorable lines uttered in them by Gimli }   c) Falling skeletons look way cooler than dropped rocks }   d) The Freudian implications of the Trip through Moria are }      more easily grasped this way } } 5) Why are such great lengths gone to in the film to show that Orcs }    come out of larval eggs when Tolkien never even implied as much? } }   a) Del Taco breakfast burrito tie-in }   b) Director Jackson had to use up over 700 gallons of very }      expensive left-over green goo from "The Goonies" }   c) Politically correct lawyers advised them that if the Orcs }      are portrayed as an evil race and not as animal like things }      they'd get their chain mailed sued off them in the USA }   d) At one time there was a plan to give Orcs butterfly wings }      as a nod to the flying monkeys in the "Wizard of Oz" } =============================================================== } } The correct answer to each question is 'c', the third answer. } Take the girl that answers 'c' the -fewest- times to the } film. Then you can impress and amaze her by whispering the } correct bits of info in her young ear at appropriate times. } } You owe the Oracle two outrageously priced bags of popcorn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, one who knows all and is an IT wizard... > > How the hell am I going to get a job in this market? Houston has \ > become a piece of crap job market in the last month, and my \ > previous airline job is now gone. Should I try to move?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} IT guru and using autoline wrap instead of the <enter> key... } <sigh>. Well, combine your IT skills with your airport skills and... } } [ Scene: The metal detector at a minor airport in Texas. A very }   long line of people wait as our supplicant is walking a very }   befuddled, very blonde well fed lady through the detector. ] } } Supp: Now this /dev here will grep you for metal. } } Lady: Erm, okay. I { whispering } I'm wearing an underwire }       bra, will that cause it to beep? } } Supp: Like a newbie's terminal as he tries to change mode }       in vi. You're going to have to rm it, maybe even to }       /dev/null. } } Lady: ? } } Supp: Nice string of Glorias there. Hee, hee, a little joke }       did you know perl came that close to being called }       Gloria? The bra ma'am. } } Lady: Where should I go to take it off? } } Supp: Have some drugs in there you don't want "ls -altr"ed }       right here? Look lady, were all just read only here }       as far as your cowjuice ports. No one's going to get }       raster burns over them. Did you RTFM before you got }       here? We're in a corewar that makes Angband look like }       "a large freely distributed Dungeons-and-Dragons-like }       simulation games, available for a wide range of }       machines and operating systems". And that's a direct }       quote. } } Lady: Oh. My homeland feels more secure already, if you }       know what I mean. } } Supp: ~?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not trying to hack your network, I'm just trying to gain all the > file sharing privileges from a remote computer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's OK.  I'm not trying to Zot you.  I'm just conducting an } experiment to see if energetic people are happier by applying 1.21 } gigwatts of power to your head. } } You owe the Oracle your feelings on that, and remember this is for } posterity so be honest.