} Oh dear, this could be bad. Better call Jackson.
}
} *Ring ... Ring*
}
} <Peter> Yeah?
}
} <Orrie> Peter? Oracle here, how's it-
}
} <Peter> Orrie! Missed you at the Premiere! Where were ya?
}
} <Orrie> Ah, thanks for the invite, Peter, but really, you hardly needed
} another gray-bearded guy in long flowing robes. I would only have
} confused the issue.
}
} <Peter> Nonsense! You would have loved it! That runway thing is a gas!
} We-
}
} <Orrie> Peter ... sorry to interrupt but I'm afraid I have bad news.
}
} <Peter> What, bad? Bad means nothing to me, we're talking 500 million
} worldwide! Screw Cameron, I'm the king of the wor-
}
} <Orrie> Peter. I know things are going well now, which is why you
} really must face this before it gets out of control.
}
} <Peter> Yeah, OK, what, what?
}
} <Orrie> I'm afraid there's been a leak.
}
} <Peter> Yeah, a lot of people did question my decision to film a three
} hour movie with no intermission and the last solid hour filled with
} nonstop water-
}
} <Orrie> That's not-
}
} <Peter> Pouring water, flowing water, trickling water, waterfalls,
} boats on the water ...
}
} <Orrie> Not that kind-
}
} <Peter> But again, look what Cameron did, I mean, talk about testing
} the limits of bladder control, that whole movie-
}
} <Orrie> PETER! Not that kind of leak. Stay with me, here. An
} information leak.
}
} <Peter> Information?
}
} <Orrie> Yes. About a certain plot development in movie three. The ..
} uncredited plot development.
}
} <Peter> WHa-- the Maude-morph?
}
} <Orrie> That's right.
}
} <Peter> But how- that was strictly ... how could that get out there?
}
} <Orrie> It's out, Peter. I've got a supplicant here posing as Gollum
} who makes reference to it. He even mentions the vegemite.
}
} <Peter> WHAT?! Who, how? Who is this supplicant?
}
} <Orrie> I'm not going explain the whole anonymous remailer concept
} again, Peter. But it could be her, or it could be someone she told.
}
} <Peter> This could be bad.
}
} <Orrie> That's what I'm talking about.
}
} <Peter> I made the deal on the grounds it would always remain
} uncredited.
}
} <Orrie> I believe I did counsel against it ...
}
} <Peter> Yeah, yeah, you told me so, go ahead and say it, but she was so
} *persistent.* She was like a tall deep-voiced terrier. The part she was
} really after was Galadriel, I had to tell her, you are *not* the Golden
} Girl I have in mind! Although, she did do quite a respectable reading
} for Theoden.
}
} <Orrie> Treebeard, I thought. She's got the "Hroom" down.
}
} <Peter> Treebeard gets altogether too much screen time. Cameron would
} have noticed, even through the makeup. No. The only solution was the
} surprise Hollywood-style Gollum aging sequence in film three. Four
} seconds of screen time, lots of vegemite scraped on as makeup-
}
} <Orrie> An odd choice, I did think.
}
} <Peter> Cheap, in this part of the world, and the right color and
} consistency. That scene with the Uruk Hai dude getting born? Big vat o'
} vegemite.
}
} <Orrie> Yes, well. Be that as it may. It's out, now. There's no way to
} contain it. I'm afraid you're going to lose the bet.
}
} <Peter> This is a disaster.
}
} <Orrie> Well, let it be a humbling experience. Don't try to put one
} over on James Cameron. It was foolish of you to take the bet in the
} first place.
}
} <Peter> Come on, the first one to cast Bea Arthur loses? When I know
} she's angling every week for a guest appearance on Dark Angel? This
} looked like a sure thing!
}
} <Orrie> And what did you learn about sure things when you did The
} Frighteners?
}
} <Peter> Point taken. But Orrie, what am I gonna do? There was a case of
} 50 year-old Glenfidditch riding on this. I don't want to give that up!
}
} <Orrie> I'll do what I can.
}
} Dear Supplicant,
}
} He did. But not right away. Gollum had the ring for 600 years, to
} Bilbo's 60. So he doesn't begin aging until near the end of movie
} three, when he will indeed get scraped with vegemite, morph into Bea
} Arthur and crumble into dust.
}
} But don't tell anyone. Especially James Cameron.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of 50 year-old Glenfidditch. You can go ahead
} and deliver it directly to Peter Jackson. He'll know what to do with
} it.
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