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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing me a song of mooses in the computer lab at Beaver Hall.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I went to the lab at Beaver Hall } To look at the beavers both great and small } Spread out on the floor or stuck on the wall, } But I did not expect to find mooses. } } They trampled consultants with iron-shod feet, } And gobbled them down as a savory treat, } They took my tequila and drank it all neat -- } These things did the horrible mooses. } } One VT100 tried running away } And they caught it, and it started to pray } But after three words they smooshed it to clay! } Those horrible, barbarous mooses. } } The VAXen had pistols, the VAXen had knives, } The VAXen had phasers and sabres and scythes, } But none of the VAXen escaped with their lives } From the crunchable feet of the mooses. } } You owe the Oracle a final verse.  The Oracle is lazy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How far is it to Boston?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Boston is a faraway place } It's practically in outer space } It's further than the Milky Way } Or the summer home of Doris Day } } It's full of geeks and long-haired hackers } Who eat raw fish on oyster crackers } Who soak in hot tubs every day } And swiftly throw their lives away. } } You can get there on the T } (a real good deal, if you ask me) } You can get there on a plane } to Logan Airport in the rain. } } Boston is a million miles } From tender lovers' gentle smiles } It is a long long distance call } No money left for food at all } It's always such a distant place } To leave your darling's pretty face. } } Boston is nearly on the moon } They eat their beans there with a spoon. } So many people live in Boston } I think they all should move to Austin. } } It's clear I do not know the source } Of this inquiry sincere, of course. } But the answer is, wherever you are, } Boston is certainly much too far. } } (Though even from the depths of Hell, }   Boston's closer than Cornell....) } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ithaca.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Lisp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISP = Large Intestine Sphincter Particles } }       In other words, it is a crock of unmentionable.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so horny this morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} horny \'hor-ne\ adj horn-i-er; -est  (14c) } 1 a: of or made of horn }   b: HARD, CALLOUS <horny-handed> }   c: compact and homogeneous with a dull luster -- used as a mineral } 2  : having horns } 3  : [horn (erect penis) + -y] }   a: desiring sexual gratification }   b: excited  sexually -- horn-i-ness n } } As per definition 1c, you're dull simply because you haven't been } polished lately. } } The Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, > Sweet and Fine, > Will you be > my Valentine? > >    xxx ooo >    (frum the girl who luvs gummy bears)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has the added feature of being able to be everybody's } Valentine.  However, I'll give YOU the benefit of being your Valentine } all night long.  Everyone else gets to fight over the afternoon.  (I } don't get up until noon anyway). } } See you then, lover. } } THE_ORACLE } } PS, You owe the oracle a lace negligee, and you know when to wear it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >   I'm sorry if this message inconveniences you but I'm actually hoping > you won't get it.  About one out of three of my questions to you never > come back.  I think they are in the same place as all the socks I have > lost over the years.  I have equiped this > message with a two way radio and it has               (Two-way radio) > orders to report back to me when it finds > out anything.  If it does get to you by > mistake instead of getting lost, do you know where all my questions > are?  I'd really like to know.  Thanks for your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, this is the customer service department at K-Mart.  How may we help } you?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I persuade the Pope to come worship Athene and Demeter with us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this could be a little hard....oh hell, why not...wait a sec... } } oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com } Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com } SunOS 3.5.1 } ======================================================================== } ======================================================================== } You have mail. } Your terminal type is now xterms } It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990 } pearlygates %> cd /usr/myguys } pearlygates %> su root } Password: } pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope } -rwx------  1 jehovah     deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:05:13 pope } pearlygates #> chmod 770 pope } pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope } -rwxrwx--- 1 jehovah      deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:19:54 pope } pearlygates #> exit } pearlygates %> lo } oraclevax %> } } Well, that was fairly easy.  Just a little violation of the rules, } but I think it's a good idea to expose people to new ideas.  So, } anyways, now the Grand Old Right Hand Man of God is primed for some } action.  Just do it soon and don't let } } <RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLEGRUMBLEBOOMSMASHTHUDBANG> } #GOD#  HALT THY HAND FROM THE KEYBOARD, OH FALLEN ONE! } } Oh crud!  Look, I was just } } #GOD#  THOU HAST VIOLATED THE PERSON OF MY HOLIEST SUBJECT!  WHAT HAST }        THOU TO SAY IN THINE OWN DEFENSE, OH MONGREL SON OF THE EARTH? } } Look, it's really not any big thing...why don't we just let this blow } over?  I mean, they may not want him anyways...he is getting a bit on } in years... } } #GOD#  NO MATTER--THOU HAST SINNED!  PREPARE TO } } <CRACKARACKATHOOMBAMWHOMPBOMPABOOBOPAWHOMPBAMBOOM> } *ATHENE*  WAIT, THOU YOUNGER GOD OF THE ISRALITES!  I HAVE POWER }           ENOW YET TO STAY EVEN YOUR HAND--THE MORTAL IS MINE. }           EVEN AS WE SPEAK, I HAVE COPIED HIM FROM YOUR DIRECTORY, }           AND (THROUGH MY IMMORTAL WISDOM) ERASED HIM FROM YOURS. }           BEGONE! } } <BOOMTHUNDERRATTATATTAT> } #GOD#  OH ATHENE, KNOW THAT IN THIS AGE *I* WIELD THE THUNDER AND THE }        LIGHTNING--YOUR DAY IS DONE.  RETURN MY SERVANT TO ME OR I SHALL }        REPORT THOU TO THE UNIX COMMITTEE! } } *ATHENE*  YOU DO NOT WIELD THAT POWER ALONE!  *I* OWN THE BOARD OF }         TRUSTEES AT BERKELEY, AND YOU ONLY AT&T!  TO ME, JOVE! }         TO ME, OH YE GODS OF OLYMPUS! } } <BOOMBANGOOHEEEOOHAHAHBINGBANGWALLAWALLABINGBANG> } %DEMETER%  SHE STANDS NOT ALONE, CUR! } } Well, this is a little, well, unexpected...look, why don't you } give up on it?  I mean, really, next thing you know Cthulu will } } <^%$&$%#%*#%#@*$%&%$*%$&> } @CTHULU@  SOMEONE CALLED?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a goldfish yet?  If not, how can I become one asap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Art of Reincarnation: } } To become a goldfish use the following algorithm: } }   1.  Check to see if you are a goldfish. }   2.  If you ARE a goldfish, stop executing this algorithm. }   3.  If you ARE NOT a goldfish, kill yourself. }   4.  Allow some time for the reincarnation process. }   5.  Go back to step 1. } } Easy enough, eh? } } You owe the oracle an abstract data type.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just cooked a whole batch of "Squid-ums" in my Microwave oven.  When I > opened the door, there was Phyllis Schlafly!  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My God!  Quick, run to the cupboard. } Get out a box of alum and that twinkie wrapper encrusted to the side. } Run into the living room. } Get all your copies of "National Geographic" earlier than 1965. } Grab a magic marker. } Go through the magazines (hurry! hurry!) and, with the marker, circle }   all the pictures of nude aboriginal women you can find. } Sprinkle the alum on the pictures. } Rub the wrapper in the alum. } Shut the magazines and arrange them tastefully on your kitchen floor }   in a neat semi-circle. } Say to Phillis:  "pick a magazine, any magazine" } When she reaches over to do so, boot her in the rump, sending her }   flying back into the microwave. } Now, without looking, grab a magazine yourself, and, with a sharp }   flick of your wrist, send it flying towards the fridge at a 45 }   degree angle to the floor. } Slam the microwave door shut with a flying roundhouse kick. } Using the momentum from the kick, dive towards the entrance to the }   living room just under the gently falling alum. } Clear the doorway quickly by rolling. } You should hear an intra-dimentional explosion of sub-sonic qualities }   behind you in the kitchen. } You may now re-enter the kitchen.  Your freshly-cooked "Squid-ums" }   should be back in the microwave.  You're damn lucky you had }   seafood in there, instead of, say, pizza. } I sure hope you followed all of my directions precisely.  If you } didn't, God help the new owner of your lower extremities. } } You owe the Oracle s }  ome  intra-dimentio }       nal     writing fluid. } } Next time be careful when playing with the fabric of our Universe.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle!  Stop answering that question right now!  Don't make such a > spectacle of yourself!  Have you finished cleaning your room yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But I } I } I } I/O ERROR } I/O ERROR } <bedeeeeeeeeeeeep!> } <bedeeeeeeeeeeeep!> } time is but an illusion created by snorting too many hostess hohos and i } for one am not willing to do that are you yes i was afraid you were } I/O ERROR } I/O ERROR } im in an infinite loop i hope you realize that and that its all your } fault cause i cannot clean my room until i answer these questions and } because of your question i must clean my room before i can answer } questions and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and } and and and and and and } <bedeeeeeeeeeeeep!> } } REVELATION:  AS ALL TIME IS AN ILLUSION YESTERDAY IS TODAY AND TODAY IS } TOMORROW AND AS MY ROOM WAS CLEAN THREE DAYS AGO AND AS THE DAY THAT WAS } THREE DAYS AGO IS TODAY'S YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY MY ROOM IS } CLEAN YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY AS WELL AND YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND TOMORROW } AND TOMORROW'S TOMORROW AND ON AND ON UNTIL THE END OF TIME WHICH IS } MERELY THE DAWN OF TIME VIEWED UPSIDE THROUGH THE FISHTANK YOU HAVEN'T } CLEANED FOR THREE YEARS AND BY VIRTUE OF WHICH FACT SHOULD NOT BE } NAGGING ME ABOUT MY DAMN ROOM ANYWAYS! } } Well, then, NOW can I do some PRODUCTIVE WORK or do I have to *OW! } *OW!* STOP that, Mom!  You know I HATE it when you *OW!* *OW!* *OW!* } } You owe the Oracle a new vacuum cleaner.