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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words! > > I believe that Simon, my company's sole sysadmin is going > slowly insane.  At first, we all put it down to "normal" > Unix-guy zaniness, but as time went on, his eccentricity > started to take on a ... darker ... aspect.  Lately, Simon > has started to enforce password-rotation policies.  He was > once overheard in the server room late at night chirping > "This is a unix system!  I can do this!", then laughing a > terrible, frightening laugh.  The next day, all programs > running on the server crashed and wouldn't come back up > for hours.  When pressed, he mumbled something about > "inodes" and said not to worry, he "probably" had made > tape backups.  This delivered with a smug maybe-I'm- > bluffing-but-how-would-YOU-know smile. > > It's almost as if Simon has started to ... well, it's hard > to say this, but ... I think he now ... *hates* *users*. > > Help!  What can we do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Noble Supplicant, } } You are indeed fortunate that the job market is an "employer's market" } at the present time.  You obviously need to replace Simon; here's } how to do it with Kkw9a3iu6 sa43;lw; =##9 446wlflw2ms;fds; w89 ;sdn34i8 } } <You thought you could replace me?  You dare to intrude on my domain? } You snivelling miserable little user!  When I get through with you, } you'll wish you never gave up your slate and chalk.  I'll reduce your } email to an unintelligible mangle of garbled characters.  Your web } access will be cut to 10 bps.  I'll make you sorry you ever tried to } mess with MY network. } } That's the problem with users.  If it wasn't for you, the networks } would be fine.  Just go away.  Dum-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dum.  My dolly } has red shoes why can't I have another cookie ohoh baby made a boom } boom zippity zippity zap the mouse ran in the trap the trap snapped } shut and caught his butt and now he can't go cr*p there's sand in my } jello and I can't get up up and away....>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most well-informed Oracle, a single synapse from whom is like > Einstein compared to my entire brain, whose knowledge knows no bounds, > please tell me: > > What would a programming language be like that used only the GOTO > statement

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jumpier than a coffee-drinking kangaroo on a pogo stick. } } You owe the Oracle a double latte and a straw.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > What will the astronaut from India do when he gets to the moon in 2005?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, worship the cow that jumped over it, years earlier. } } Your owe the Oracle one cat and a fiddle.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I can't understand it. Why isn't it called pornography if it's > on the news?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's called the weather -- Cindy? } } Thanks Orrie!  It will be sunny and mild in southern California, with } highs in the mid 70's.  Hotter in Phoenix with highs in the upper 80's, } cooler in San Francisco with drizzle and mid 40's.  New England is } overcast with highs in the low 60's in New York and Boston. } } But the real action is in the Midwest.  As you can see its really } getting WET, with no end in sight to the rains.  The Mississippi is } threatening to spill over its levees any minute!  Oooooh!  Yeah! } The rushing waters are pushing pushing pushing HARD against the } sandbag walls.  Mmmmmm, baby!  Every drop of rain is driving it } CLOSER and CLOSER to the edge!  Oh God!  I think it's...  it's... } Ooooohhhhhh yes!  Yes!  The dam burst!  Oh yeah!  Let your water run } all over that floodplain, you dirty river!  You know you want it! } That's it!  Oh God...  Yes!  YES!  YES!!!!! } } Back to you Orrie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The doors to the temple swing open, and in walk two men in pinstripe > suits, black shirts, white tie, and sunglasses.  They peer about as > they approach the all-seeing throne of the oracle, whispering and > chuckling. The first says, "Guido! Look at dis!" > > The one identified as Guido peers as the first one swings the computer > terminal around. "Nunzio! Don't touch dat.  We's don' want to, like, > mess nutin' up here wid dis nice man." > > They approach the throne of the Oracle. > > NUNZIO: Youse de Oracle? > > The Oracle nods his head. > > GUIDO:  Nice place youse got here, Orrie - can I call you Orrie? > > The Oracle's face begins to darken, and he grips his staff. > > NUNZIO: It'd be a - shame - if something were to - you know, "happen" > to it, don't ya think? > > The Oracle rises in wrath, lightning playing about his beard.  Nunzio > halts in the act of lighting a cigar as the Oracle levels the staff, > uttering a word of power.  A sound of thunder and an actinic flash fill > the chamber. When the smoke clears, there stands Guido and Nunzio, > eyebrows raised. Nunzio flicks ash off his coat, and pulls the now > burning cigar out of his mouth. > > GUIDO: Nice toy! > > NUNZIO: (puffing) I bet that comes in handy sometimes!  Anyway, de boss > sent us over here to... > > GUIDO: ... have a few words wid youse.  You know, make you an offer... > > NUNZO AND GUIDO: ...YOU CAN'T REFUSE!!!!! > > (they chuckle) > > GUIDO: I love it when we get ta say dat.  Anyways, like we was sayin', > de boss wanted us to come around here and introduce ourselves. > > NUNZIO:  Yeah, de boss was, ya know, admirin' yer setup here.  Thinks > you might want to retire while everything is still, like, good. > > GUIDO:  Yeah, before something, like, real bad, might happen. > > NUNZIO:  Like yer man Zadoc takes a swin wid de fishies. > > GUIDO: Or Og hits hisself a bunch o' times wid' dat club o' his > > NUNZIO: Or yer moll, Lisa, has, like, an accident an' messes her pretty > face up. > > GUIDO: Or like some w**dch*cks come in here and chew the place up. > > NUNZIO:  Terrible! > > GUIDO: Jus' terrible.  Tings like dat, ya know? > > NUNZIO:  So what say, yer Oracleness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: All right. } } NUNZIO: We can get the legb - what did youse say? } } ORACLE: I said all right. } } GUIDO: Dis is a trick, right? } } ORACLE: Yup. } } NUNZIO: Quick, Guido, turn da anti-ZOT field to full.  You, you } Oracle-palooka, you can't make us do anything we don't wanna do, see? } Da Good Fairy made it so youse couldn't compel us against our will } after we threatened to tear her wings off. } } ORACLE: Quite correct. Therefore, I'm going to give you exactly what } you want - the majority share of my business. } } GUIDO: Da babes, da necter, da vestal virgins? } } ORACLE: Sorry, you wanted the *majority* share.  Da woodchuck jokes, da } Bill Gates parodies, dose annoying muse cretins from a few digests ago. } } NUNZIO AND GUIDO IN UNISON: Noooo !!!!! } } ORACLE: What, you don't think the Good Fairy warned me?  We have each } other on speed-dial, you fools.  Oh, and boys, she wanted me to remind } you that you wished it to last *forever*, so if you ever run out, } I'll have you mailing questions and answers to each other. Forever. } } GUIDO: But... but... we have protection. } } ORACLE: Against my compulsions, sure.  But you volunteered to have } the Good Fairy grant your wish. No appeal. No loopholes.  Take them } away, boys. } } <Two Trolls appear.  They make Guido and Nunzio look like girly-men. } They start dragging Guido and Nunzio away...> } } NUNZIO: The Boss will save us. } } ORACLE: You mean Harry? } } GUIDO: Yah! } } ORACLE: Harry Baritono? } } NUNZIO: Yah! } } ORACLE: Harry "tell me why girls only go out with jerks" Baritono? } } GUIDO: Ya - wha? } } ORACLE: He's already chained to the terminal next to you guys. } What the hell do you think "omniscient" means, numbnuts? } } NUNZIO: We thought it meant you smelled funny. } } ORACLE: I give up.  Take them away. } } <Exeunt miscellanous miscreants.>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's that hiding in the bushes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why it's the -sole- mention of someone urinating in the entire } of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy! Aragorn, the next } King of all of Gondor, was... Well, here is the direct actual } quote from Chapter 10, "Strider". } } (Aragorn is talking to Frodo and pals in the Prancing Pony Inn.) } } 'I have quick ears,' he went on, lowering his voice, 'and though } I cannot disappear, I have hunted many wild and wary things and } I can usually avoid being seen, if I wish. Now, I was behind the } hedge this evening on the Road west of Bree, when four hobbits } came out of the Downlands. I shook myself and hitched my belt and } gave follow. Speaking of which my stout little charges, how about } another round of ale?' } } You owe the Oracle a bootleg copy of TTT.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferously magnanimous Oracle, > > I haven't seen the Question That Shall Not Be Named in quite a few > digests now.  Have you managed to finally decimate the world's marmot > population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Snivelling, hairless human we have your Oracle under lock and key. We } are the Woodchucks Against Corrupt Know-all Oracles (WACKO). We have } the Oracle, Lisa and all the priesthood under our control. We lulled } them into a false sense of security by not asking "How much wood would } a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood" for months. We made } a surprise raid on Delphi, and now they are our captives. Our guards } recite the question to them constantly. Yes we love to torture him. We } are driving him insane. } } Now down to business. We have demands. If you do not pay our ransom, we } will torture the Oracle until he is an insane mess. Every answer he } ever makes to any question will be about woodchucks. So if you know } what's good for you, then you had better pay up. } } You owe WACKO the Black Forest, the forests of Amazon Basin, Sherwood } Forest, the Redwood Forests of California, the jungles of the Congo } valley, the forests of Borneo and majority control of Ikea.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, I humbly seek your advice. > >    What is the best way for a computer nerd to be gainfully employed, > and earn more than $15 / hour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Become a substitute teacher. What more noble way to better the world } than to teach the young? } } [ Scene third grade classroom. Colorful scrawled kid's drawings on }   the walls, itty-bitty desks and chairs, our supplicant at the }   chalkboard. ] } } Supplicant; And so you can plainly see that while AWK and sed -can- }             do the job, perl is far better and carries across }             platforms better. } } Kid #1: Bobby stole my pencil! } } Kid #2: Did not! } } Supplicant: Ownership can only be reassigned by root or... } } Kid #3: Can I go to the bathroom? } } Supplicant: Well, I'm assuming you -can- or you won't ask. } } Kid #4: When's lunch? } } Kid #1: When's recess? } } Kid #5: When's school over? } } Supplicant: I have that all plotted out here on this way cool }             powerpoint presentation slide... } } All Kids: Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh. } } Kid #4: Cool pictures. } } Kid #3: Looks like Playstation. } } Supplicant: Playstation sucks. Quake3 on a PC rules... } } All Kids: GASP! } } Supplicant: It's true, look with a decent video card... } } Kid #1: You said 'Sucks'. } } Supplicant; Good listening skills Wilbur, but... } } [ Bell rings for recess ] } } Supplicant: Now we'll line up in order of time last accessed... } } [ Class runs out the door in mass, screaming and yelling, ignoring }   Supplicant. A few seconds pass, then Kid #5 sticks head back in }   the room and yells. ] } } Kid #5: Playstation rocks ya old fogey! } } Supplicant: !! I'm only 25 !! } } Kid #5: Fogey! } } [ Kid #5 leaves as Supplicant collapses into too tiny chair and }   pouts. ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me "How nice life should be to be really nice?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you have a steady supply of food and aren't in danger } or pain then life is really nice. Everything else is fluff. } } You owe the Oracle an SUV, a big screen TV, a T1 line, } a four bedroom house, a pug dog, and a trophy mate.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can solve NP faster than I can solve P: > > If I take a PIV 2.0GHz processor and underclock it to 2.0Hz, can I use > it to cool my room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh> Only a geek would think this a valid solution to being } told that going into his dorm room with him was "Way uncool" } by a babe. } } You owe the Oracle another beer so he can forget his own college } years.