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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oracle, > >  Which is the best joke ever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FBI RAIDS INDIANA UVIVERSITY IN ANTI-TERROR ACTION } } In a surprise move aimed a preventing a terrorist attack against } the Federal Government, the FBI has raided the Computer Science } Department of Indiana University. } } "We have firm and incontrovertible evidence that people in that } department were working on weapons of mass destruction.  They were } planning to launch a so-called 'humor bomb' with a 20-Megaton } yield against Washington, DC." an FBI spokesperson said in a } press conference. } } Details of the design of the alleged bomb are still sketchy. } The potentially deadly effect of jokes has been known since World } War II, when the British launched such an attack on the Germans. } Apparently, computer scientists at Indiana University used } the Internet to collect huge amounts of humor from the general } population, then increased it in potency (similar to the fissile } Uranium-235 is enriched) in a process called "digestification". } } "The alleged perpretator's final plans were to make it all into the } funniest joke ever, then to launch it.  We believe some ingredients } of the joke are President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Enron, Osama } bin Laden and Pretzels.  It is unlikely that the Federal Government } would have survived this onslaught" the FBI spokesperson said before } collapsing in laughter and being rushed away by a medical FBI team. } He is now said in quarantaine in the intensive care unit of an } undisclosed hosiptal, in a serious, but stable condition. } } So, about this question of yours... I could tell you, but I wouldn't } even have to kill you.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Sir, > > I thank you in advance for your help in this matter. May I introduce > myself. My name is Zadoc P. Wurmobe, and I work for the Nigerian office > of Internet Oracle PLC. Recently I've come into possession of a large > amount of money that has been collected as tributes from supplicants to > The Internet Oracle. > > As the political situation has changed in Nigeria, my family and I have > made the decision to leave Nigera to make a better life for ourselves > in Europe. However, as the tributes (a total of over US$60,000,000) do > not legally belong to us, we need the cooperation of a citizen of your > country to store this money for us while we emigrate. > > Therefore, I humbly ask for your assistance in this matter. The process > will be simple, and will require only that you shelter the 60 million > dollars in your account for one week. In return for this, I and my > family (Lisa Wurmobe, and Og Wurmobe) will be prepared to pay you the > sum of US$5,000,000 for your help. > > If you are able to help, please contact me on this email address, so > that we may transfer the funds into your account as soon as is > possible. > > Yours faithfully, > > Zadoc P. Wurmobe. > Integer Oracle PLC. > Nigerian Office.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: So what we have here is an parody of a fake proposal sent }         to an anonymous internet service under a phony name alluding }         to the fictitious aide of an ethereal entity no one has ever }         seen asking for unbelievable sums to be sent to a phony office }         that doesn't exist for fraudulent reasons. Observations? } } Zadoc: I'm fictitious? } } Oracle: Anyone else? } } Kendai: Nothing -is- real. } } Oracle: Elaborate. } } Kendai: Nothing passes for something, especially in sufficient }         quaintness, and on the Internet where you have a seemingly }         unlimited supply of pure unadulterated nothingness... } } Lisa: You're just making that up as you speak aren't you? } } Orrie: Of course he is, which is the whole point. Humans like }        fake stuff better than the real. Disneyland, a world }        of blatant fakes, has lines of people paying money }        to see it. Prisons, which are way too real, are only }        populated by those that can't get away due to guards }        and barbed wire. } } Kendai: So the more fake you are the better liked you are. } } Lisa: Makes sense. Sherlock Holmes has fan clubs, the lady }       mopping the floors at the supermarket can't get even }       get her own kids to remember her birthday. } } [ Zadoc jumps up, shouts, "Woo-hoo" and pumps his fist }   into the air a number of times. ] } } Zadoc: I Am Fictitious! I Am Somebody!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O multi-faceted Oracle, Schlemiel of Schmooze, with the social skills of > a Greek God, > > I don't know anyone. > > How do I meet people? > > I'm surrounded by people all of whom seem to know eachother from > SOMEwhere or other.  But none of them know me.  Occasionally I try > introducing myself to one of them, or another, but their attention > starts to wander about halfway through my last name.  They stare through > me at some speck on the wall and then go back to whatever they were > doing.  If I try to engage them in conversation anyway, they just get > up and walk away. > > What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Treebeard, } } You might want to try using the short version of your name. I know } it is a matter of great pride for an ent to have such a name, but } many humans simply do not have the patience to listen through the } whole thing. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Ent-Draught.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who has a lock on wisdom, a head for Justice > and can comb through data faster than a Cray... > > Why do people use sham poo to wash their hair? Is > real poo too expensive or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just think about it. Ewww. But you should have seen some of the other } items people have tried washing their hair with: } } Shamu - Was popular until a prominent socialite tried to beach herself. } Heavy use tended to clog up the cetaceous glands. } } Fondue - Never really caught on and was reincarnated as Cheez Whiz. } } Witchiepoo - Pulled from the market because it made hair puffy and } stuff. } } Snafu - Hair was normally all fouled up after application. } } Shih-Tzu - Gesundheit. } } You owe the Oracle a bassoon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> # rm -rf /var/spool/spam &

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oh my god, you killed the Mail Daemon!" } } Okay, so that was a bad Nethack joke. } } I, too, would like to remove spam, but it hides itself } so well... } } I suggest you write your own filter, as the /spam } directory is not being sorted well, and you deleted } the email that told you you got promoted. } } You owe the Oracle a spam filter that works.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So long, Chuck, and thanks for all the ducks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's all, folks. RIP Chuck Jones, 1912-2002. } } You owe the Oracle a carrot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, with body odor most plesant... > > Any advice for what I should do about this painful zit on > the side of my head? It's too small to see under my hair, > and it's too small to pop, but it's large enough to hurt > extremely badly. Any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...lessee here...too small to see under hair...too small to } pop...large enough to hurt.... } } GEEZUS! You've got an engorged mite in your head! } } Mites are usually peaceful and docile, living their complex social life } in peace and harmony, feeding off of dead skin cells, sleeping in that } space between a hair and the side of the tiny tiny hole your hair grows } out of. However, once in a while, as is the nature of any society, } you'll get one of those Orwellian-some-mites-are-more-equal-than-others } citizens who disrupt the comprehensive socialist state that is known as } mite society. These mites eat more than their share, forcing their } brethren mites onto other follicles and while normally, they are unseen } to the naked human eye, become quite large. You know that pain you get } when you accidentally scratch that bump on your head? It's not what you } think it is. It's actually that gluttonous mite biting into your head } in a desperate attempt to stay lodged in its feeding space. And that's } why you can't pop it either--that chitinous outer covering prevents any } significant squashing. All you can hope for now is a revolution or at } least major political divisions on your head. I suggest exposing your } head to a bit of political propaganda--perhaps a sign that says, "All } mites are born equal" or "Rise up and crush your oppressors!" Mites are } quite small, even messages written on a small cue card and placed } strategically in your hair are sure to gain notice because to them, the } letters are in fact, a few hundred stories high. Just think, if you } saw, "Liberty for all!" written in 80 story letters in the sky, you'd } find it hard to ignore. Hopefully, mitedom will rise up and depose the } oppressive engorged mite on your head. If not, then only a tactical } nuclear strike, or a prolonged military action will prevent further } coronal catastrophe. } } P.S. Don't use "Vive la Revolution!". Mites can't read French.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, with toenails most long and beautiful, > minty fresh breath, and teeth most white... > > What is the best method of study for me to use so I can > actually understand my calculus class?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an exciting new method, hailed by educators' conferences, } nobel prize winners, and late-night infomercials.  It's called } the "Frequent Method". } } It integrates all previous systems' advances, but is hardly } deriviative.  It pushes your understanding to the limit (as } sex goes to zero, unfortunately). } } You owe the Oracle one (1) imaginary number.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Shakespeare was around in the Computer Age, would he be the > keyobard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, yes.  And we would have an infinite number } of cloned pink monkeys typing on him.  They would try really } hard, but the best they will come up with is MacBeeyotch. } The Govenment Censors will be upset, and the monkeys will } be dis-Bard. } } You owe the Oracle one (1) revisionist history

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh supreme h4x0r of the universe, j00 rU13z d00d!!!1111!! > > I've watched in dismay at the rise of 133+ speak and All Your Base Are > Belong to Us jokes.  Can you tell me what other horrors I can expect > from the net geek community in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, everything old will be new again.  You thought the '70s revival was } bad?  '1337 SpEeK is actually an inside joke gone horribly wrong: 80's } hackers would joke with each other about the ultimate newbie, "Biff" } (or B1FF), who would try to spice up his USENET posts and emails with } alternate characters for letters, but more often than not it was } because B1FF could only spell phonetically and he hadn't found the } CapsLock key yet. } } In a shocking case of life imitating art, preteen newbies started } typing like B1FF in a form of rebellious self-identity.  Now, these } legions of B1FF have passed adolecence, and the internet is lacking in } the harsh reality that forces adolecents to smarten up and act like } adults. } } AYBABTU was another inside joke, from a discussion board about the } videogame "Tribes."  It got out of hand when a couple of brilliantly } creative artists who play the game decided to incorporate the motto } into the meme of passing around amusing newsphotos.  The AYBABTU meme } infected that meme, and piggybacked into the offices of bored corporate } workers (and bored college students) across America and Europe.  You } could write a thesis paper on the memetics involved. } } Here's where I get to the point: memetics.  To anticipate what memes } will affect (infect?) your culture in the future, you need to find a } meme that: }  - rewards people who spread it ("hey, this is funny!") }  - is effortless to spread (although '1337 speek and photoshop'd } newsphotos aren't easy to create, they're easy to copy) } } Some candidates are: }  * pr0n. (oops.  Hindsight is 20/20). }  * stick figure animation. }  * amateur audio remixes, likely just playing sound samples from movies } in sequence or loops. }  * more catch-phrases from old video games.  Perhaps "wacka-wacka-wacka" } from Pac-Man, or voice synthesis from arcade games like Sinistar ("I } hunger!", "Run coward!") or Gauntlet ("Elf, all your powers will be } lost!", "Valkyre shot the potion.") }  * 1980's nostalgia.  Perhaps even music or video based upon archaric } home video game systems like the Atari 2600 or Nintento 8-bit.  This } doesn't fit the above criteria, but there's something to be said about } memes getting a second wind a generation after their inception. }  * More extravagant and melodramatic "under-construction" pages -- } perhaps even interactive 404 errors wallowing in irony. } } You owe the Oracle a few bars from Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be } Happy.