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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Promethean and well-watered Oracle, > > Why did they build Las Vegas in the middle of a desert and > not some place more pleasant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Las Vegas may be a desert now but you are thinking in those puny mortal } time frames again.  Shame on you.  Back around 300 B.C., a couple of } Greek frat boys got drunk with their dates and stole a galley to have a } little "love cruise."  In their booze-induced haze they managed to take } a wrong turn at Gibraltar, got totally lost and wouldn't ask for } directions.  By morning they found themselves on the shores of what is } now Las Vegas (You knew Vegas was once accessible by sea right?  The } airline industry had the canal filled in.)  Seeing as how all the Greek } boys knew how to do was party, they set up a house, filled it with } booze and partied every night.  This activity attracted many fellow } partiers and soon a whole section of the settlement became known as the } Greek Row, in honor of the Greeks voyage.  Soon stripping was invented } and the name of the area quickly changed to reflect the new local } pasttime. } } So you see, as with most things, guys who can't hold their liquor had } something to do with it. } } Little known fact about the name "Las Vegas":  It is actually taken } from the Roman "Lasidius Vegamaximus" which is derived from the Greek } "Lasphilium Vegasamphora" which can be traced to the Latin phrase } "Veni, Vidi, Vegas" (loosely translated: "I came, I saw, I got } plastered, lost all my money and had a $1.50 All-You-Can-Eat shrimp } buffet with a stripper named 'Krystal.'").  Man, those Latins knew how } to party. } } You owe the Oracle one more night with Krystal.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cerebral Oracle, you are inventive, lissome and chary, you who > takes responsibility for your own actions, even when they are not > your fault > > Does he know he's marrying his aunt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, you have obviously found the only remaining copy } of Robert Towne's long-lost screenplay for the sequel to the 1974 } movie "Chinatown". } } In this version, Fay Dunaway's character, Evelyn Cross Mulwray, gets } married to and has a son with Jack Nicholson's character, Jake Gittes. } This son, Billy Gittes, then meets and falls in love with the daughter } of Katherine Cross, Evelyn's sister/daughter. } } Unknown to everyone except the audience, that daughter was the product } of a one-night stand between Jake Gittes and Katherine Cross which } occurred in the opening scene of Townes' original and brilliantly } satirical screenplay. } } The whole love hexagon (far more complex than a love triangle) comes } apart as the Cross family attempts to monopolize farmland in Orange } County California in the early 1950's before Walt Disney snaps it } all up to build a theme park.  As the climax occurs in the pirates } lagoon of the nearly completed park, the tentative title of the film } was "Cutthroat Island". } } Thus Billy is marrying his sister, his aunt and his cousin all rolled } up in one.  To further complicate matters, Billy finds out he is not } only his own uncle but a second cousin to himself, which bring forth } that memorable line of dialogue in the climax to the film, "I'm my } cousin, I'm my uncle!". } } Though the screenplay was lost, the working title became an in-joke } in Hollywood for decades; it was eventually used for another film } starring (to be kind) Geena Davis and Matthew Modine, which won the } pretigous Shreveport LA Film Festival award by bribing the judges } with 50 lbs of steamed crawfish and a case of hot sauce. } } Most critics believe that the reason this sequel was never greenlighted } was because director Roman Polanski changed Towne's ending in the } original screenplay for "Chinatown" to kill off the Katherine Cross } character, but the true reason was that both screenplays too closely } resembled Polanski's real life. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for why "Star Wars Episode II, } Attack of the Clones" needs to exist.  Plus 5 percent of the grosses, } the Oracle may be snootier about film than Pauline Kael, but he } isn't stupid!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most libidinous, > > Where's a good place to get laid in North Dakota?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the farm, with all the other chicks. } } You owe the Oracle a well-insulated henhouse.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou who knows exactly what second a clock will stop at > when it finally wears out, and whether the hands will be arranged in an > amusing 'smiley face' pattern, pray tell me. > > I've just been playing around on Google groups, and have found that if > you type in a date some time in the future, that it returns articles > that will be written at that time. > > Is there any way that I can use this feature for amusement and profit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, ever since the technology was invented in the late 1800's, } mucking about with the universe's timeline for fun and profit has had a } wide, if secret, cult following.  Regardless of how you are } reading/changing the future, be it by time machine, calling the psychic } hotline, or setting a future date in Google Groups, you will be fine as } long as you follow these simple rules: } } 1.) Never, ever, no matter how attractive they may seem, go back in }  time and sleep with an ancestor.  Nor should you give them a family }  heirloom, teach them a future song, or do any other thing which causes }  a weird loop with no beginning or end in the time-space continuum. } } 2.) Usually referred to as "McFly's Law:" If, while traveling through }  time, you are referred to as a chicken, you are obliged to do whatever }  you are being dared to do. } } 3.) Do not let more than a handful of people know you're a time }  traveler, lest you spoil it for the rest of us. } } 4.) Whenever you are predicting the future, be sure to make a sound }  like a cheap UFO sound effect, preferably "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." } } 5.) Try to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies.  They will make your head }  hurt. } } With this in mind, you have everything you need in order to succeed } with your newfound hobby.  Oh, and rememeber: if you want to really } piss off a psychic, just remember to insult them 30 seconds from now } unless they get mad at you before that.  It'll make their head hurt } something awful. } } You owe the oracle a delorian.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last night I had a very frightening and disturbing dream. I dreamt that > you, the mighty, magnificent Oracle whose name makes me tremble with > fear was a .... bunny rabbit. Please tell me it isn't so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And why not? You don't seem to have grasped the philosophical } implications of omniscience. Knowing all things, the Oracle must, in a } very real sense, actually *be* all things. This means that I am } simultaneously a rabbit, a duck-billed platypus, a tyrannosaurus rex, } an E Coli bacterium, a w**dch*ck, an 8-track tape player, a keyfob } with a suggestive slogan, a packet of Marlboro extra lights, that } thing for getting stones out of horses' hooves on a swiss army knife, } and countless billions of other things. } } This, however, is not the cause of your odd dream. You have been } queue-draining. When you act as an incarnation of the Oracle, a tiny } piece of the Oracle's omniscient wisdom is transferred into your puny } human mind at the same instant as the "askme" arrives in your inbox. } Normally, this contains precisely sufficient wit and wisdom to give } the perfect answer, but for questions of a particularly inane type, } there may be a small surplus which dissipates naturally over the next } few hours. This surplus can accumulate, however, if too many "askme"s } are attempted in too short a time, particularly if the incarnation's } answers are especially fatuous. } } The result is a very mild case of residual prescience, and in your } case this has allowed you to see dimly into your own future, to your } next life, where you are slated to be a rabbit on the Argentinian } pampas. } } But don't worry! You're going to love it! You're going to have much } more sex than you've had in your human life (OK, that's not too hard, } I know, but believe me, you're going to have *lots* of sex as a } rabbit). Food is really easy to find, and quite delicious, and you'll } never have to shave *anywhere*. And anyway, it's not going to happen } for, oh, weeks yet. } } I'd pass on the eating-your-own-droppings bit, though, if I were you. } } You owe the Oracle a bunny-hug.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many different people use the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No one uses the Oracle! } } Lisa: Hey, give me your credit card.  I need to go shopping. } Oracle: I don't think that's a goo... } Lisa: Don't make me come over there. } Oracle: Yes dear. } } Like I was saying. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for the $357.64 change on his credit } card bill.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to stay in a nice hotel tonight instead of the street. > Will you buy my bicycle for 5 euros?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It had been a glorious week. We had dined upon the finest food } the Mediterranean area could offer. The canals of Venice had never } appeared so lovely. The moon as seen from a gondola appears somehow } more large and romantic. Yes, it was a great vacation. Indiana seems } many miles from here.  *Correction* - Indiana IS many miles from here. } } I took her arm. "What else would you like to do tonight before we } -- retire?" } } "Hmmm", Lisa purrs, "You've pampered me so much, Orrie dear, I really } hate to ask anything else." } } "But." } } Lisa looked at me, anxiously, "Well, I'd love to take a stroll } through the streets. It's so pretty out and ...", looking down, } shuffling one foot, "it'd really be romantic." } } There it was. Romantic. The whole week and she's still looking for } "romantic". Oh well. } } "Very well." After paying the gondolier - too much (I *KNOW* the } exchange rate - you'll regret trying to steal from me, Mr. Hutetti. } Expect several cysts soon.), we began wandering through the streets. } Lisa began to lay her head on my shoulder, leaning more and more on me. } Suddenly, from out of the alleyway, a bum spoke out, } } > I would like to stay in a nice hotel tonight instead of the street. } > Will you buy my bicycle for 5 euros? } } Tempted though I am to just send *poof* him to another part of } the city (preferably into one of the canals), instead I decide to } be magnanimous.  "Here you are my good man. Keep your bicycle _AND_ } these 5 euros." } } *Ma-whoomp* } } Standing next to the bum are Kofi Annan, Lionel Jospin, Ljube } Boskovski, David Blunkett, and Slobodan Milosevic. } } "B-But!", the bum calls out, "wait!!" } } "No, no. No need to thank me, I'm about to receive my thanks from } Lisa here." } } "But, I asked ..." } } "True. I *always* exact tribute for my services." I turn and look } full at the bum. } } "You owe the Oracle a request for five Americans."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most efficient and blindingly fleet Oracle, > > Why does the room that is so hard to enter have > writing all over the walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Read it and you will find the answer: } } At your back: you can read what you may have done. } At your left side, what people think you must do. } At you right, what you want to do. } Top: your fears. } Botton: what you have. Your ground. } At your front, your future: a white wall. Go and write there.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've benn hearing a lot about something calle paperview, recently and > most of the people I heard whispering about it said you could do it > on television. My question now, oh most wise Oracle, is, why should i > want to watch paper on T.V.? Is the program not boring enough as it is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just take a look and see what's on shall we? } } <click> } } Announcer:  ...signed by All of the Beatles, and three other people } that claim to be the mysterious 5th member.... Next we have a } Napkin that Julia Roberts smudged her lipstick on from the set of } "Pretty Woman".  Lovely, isn't it....This rare item is a cardboard } box used to move Jimmy Carter's Old College notebooks when his term } at the whitehouse ended....Next is a very fascinating set of items. } It is collection of Origami figures representing characters from the } movie "Alien."...and now the Magna Carta... } } <click> } } I suggest you read a book instead....perhaps one online. } } You owe the Oracle some parchment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I said to you, "Oracle, why do you hide >  Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?" > "Is it weakness of intellect, Orrie?" I cried, > "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: } I am the very model of a multi-user Oracle } I answer all my supplicants with stories allegorical } At times your questions stump me, but it's only temporarily } I tend to mention "You owe me..." or woodchuck (customarily) } I know that I'm omniscient, I'm admittedly a know-it-all } I know the minds of women and the capital of Senegal } I answer questions by the ton, I never leave them incomplete } Although at times I have to crash and get a little byte to eat } } ALL: } Although at times he has to crash and get a little byte to eat } Although at times he has to crash and get a little byte to eat } Although at times he has to crash and get a little byte to eat } } In short, in questions literal, fantastic, or rhetorical, } He is the very model of a multi-user Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a sugar-coated buttercup.