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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um.. Hi Orrie, > > In a moment of thoughtlessness I just sent in a rather, um.... personal > TellMe to you. > > I has wondering whether you could just return it to me? I don't really > want to run the risk of someone smart ass putting together a great > answer and then it appearing in the Ocularities for all to see. > > Is that ok? > > Rob

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing, boss. } } > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } > } > > Dear Oracle, } > > } > > I seem to have abducted by aliens. They plan doing some } > > reproductive tests on me with an alien female. This has me } > > concerned about my size, as I am far below average, and I don't } > > want to misrepresent the human race. What should I do?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise! > > Which questions do you want to answer today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Which questions do you want to answer today?" } } You owe the Oracle owing him something.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As poorly qualified as I am to defy The Internet Oracle, I hope you > will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And > please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must place blame where > it belongs -- in the hands of The Internet Oracle and its subhuman > peons. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar > theme of my previous letters: We must reach out to people with the > message that The Internet Oracle's musings are a blatantly obvious and > cleverly orchestrated script, carefully concocted to intensify race > hatred. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must > inspire them. And we must encourage them to shoo it away like the > annoying bug that it is. Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are honestly > the lowest form of human life, as evidenced by the way that The > Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it, > is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with > misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are > occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative. > > We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We > must overcome the fear that The Internet Oracle will incite racial > hatred. And to overcome these fears, we must shatter the adage that > society is screaming for The Internet Oracle's politics. Because a > great many decent people are just as distressed as I am about The > Internet Oracle's sentiments, it therefore stands to reason that I > doubtlessly hope that the truth will prevail and that justice will be > served before The Internet Oracle does any real damage. Or is it > already too late? The answer is not obvious, because The Internet > Oracle says that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. That's a > stupid thing to say. It's like saying that twisted primates make the > best scout leaders and schoolteachers. But there I go again, claiming > that The Internet Oracle insists that the sky is falling. This is a > rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the > subject. Until we address this issue, we will never move beyond it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is feedback from an Oracle Priest, you anonymity will not been } compromised, unless we feel like it, in which case, we'll post your } name, email address, home address, telephone number, and shoe size to } RHOD for public mocking. } } I would like to refute your points in order. } } 1) The Oracle's peons are not subhuman.  Each Priest has five fingers } and toes... except Mark Nolan, but we don't let him out much. } } 2) The Oracle's musing are not a blatant and cleverly orchestrated } script. I defy you to find anything clever in the last digest. } } 3) Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are not the lowest form of human } life. Woodchucks are. } } 4) "The Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that } preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing } teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies..."  Okay, I'll give you } that. } } 5) "...but certainly not informative."  Wrong!  They are highly } informative. Tim Chew has been following the Oracle advise for years, } and he has just been able to upgrade to a double wide. } } 6) "we must shatter the adage that society is screaming for The } Internet Oracle's politics."  Then what is all that screaming about } then?  That's all we ever hear at the temple.  Screaming, screaming, } screaming.  Oh wait, Ross is just playing his Linkin Park CDs too loud } again. } } Maybe that's what the problem's been all along.  We'll get Ross to play } something else. } } You owe the Priesthood some Air Supply albums.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and shocking Oracle, > > I've just finished my system for Electricity-over-email, and I figure > it's going to revolutionise the world. > I've enclosed a few kilowatts so you can take a look. Will it be as > popular as I hoped? > > <<Electricity1.zap>>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } You owe the Oracle 10 feet of LAN cable, a PCMCIA 10 Base T Ethernet } card, a Toshiba Satellite 1715 XCDS motherboard and chipset and burn } unit medical expenses.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have you been?  I've been looking for you and couldn't > find you.  Was your e-mail broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, may you ask. } This is the tale of my plight. } I started my journey in a conversion van with my partners, Mee and } Yoo, and a dog named Boo. We traveled and lived off the land for a } few years until we got to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. There, we bought a } huge tract of land and opened a lobster farm. Didn't last too long, } though, since we soon found out that lobsters tend to smell funny } if you leave them in the barn overnight.  After we sold the farm } for a huge sum of Canadian money (which, after the exchange rate, } only turned out to be $1.94 American) I ditched my partners so I } could go to India and break into show business. I got as far as North } Carolina before being kidnapped by an anthropomorphic bear, pig, frog, } and giant yellow bird. After several hours of torture and bad French, } I told them how to get to Sesame Street and agreed to join them in } their plot to... uhmmm... do away with a certain little red monster } who lived there.  The plan went awry, however, after we were force-fed } cookies and made to sing "One of These Things is Not Like the Other" } in the midst of a counting-induced thunderstorm. } So, no, gentle supplicant, my email has not been broken. My will } has been. I have spent the last 2 years under the alias "Mr. Noodle." } They have not allowed me to speak, see my family, or do anything } but annoying pratfalls to amuse 3-year-old children who don't know } any better. I've finally had the chance to escape and tell my story } to you after finding a portal in a trashcan around the corner from } the Fix-It Shop. Please, help me get out of.... } HEY! WHAT YOU DOING?!? ELMO NOT LIKE THIS! GET BACK TO WORK, MR. } NOODLE! MR.  NOODLE IS BEING A BAD BOY!!! NO DINNER FOR MR. } NOODLE THIS WEEK! } Ooops... heeeheeheeeheee... Elmo sorry for yelling. Mr. Oracle--- er... } Noodle can't talk to the supplicant right now. Mr. Noodle's email } is broken.  Byebye, kids! Hahahahaheeeeheeeheeehee!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Magnificient one, you always cross your eyes and dot your > teas, because you are very regular.  Can you help me achieve > immolation? Or was that enlightenment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not easy being a moth, is it?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Vast and Wise Oracle Who is Worthy of Many Other Things That Can Be > Capitalized: > Why was the CAPS LOCK key invented? It seems that its only purpose is > to make people sound like drunken idiots in their Internet > correspondence. Is that all there is to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wise question, supplicant. } } In the earliest days of computing, all the worlds programmers had to } gather around the one or two computers that existed and take turns. } They often died of old age while waiting for a shot, hence the term } 'terminals'. } } Anyway, a great jest amongst these gangs of bored programmers (for they } were known for their great wit) was to sneak up behind the person whose } turn it was to use the terminal and steal his hat.  History does not } mention the sort of hats favoured by the programmers, but we shall for } the sake of argument deem them to be of one of the broad-brimmed } varieties.  The poor programmer would them have to choose between } letting his persecutor flee with his headgear, or risk losing his turn } at the terminal to give chase. } } When the problem became so bad that nobody to get any work done (this } was before the Internet when computers were there to do work on), } everyone become very frustrated. Stacks of card were even kept nearby } to give the angry techies something to punch. } } Eventually, a wise sysop (for there be no other kind) invented a device } to stop the hat-stealing problem, the cap lock.  To ensure nobody would } end up with headgear they could not remove, the key to this lock was } made part of the terminal where it could not be lost.  Other than a few } design flaws (it squashed the brim of the hat such that it covered the } programmers ears, making him shout all the time) the cap lock was good, } and was soon available on all machines. } } Over the years since, computers have become more prevalent, and with } enough computers to go around the hat-stealing problem is no more.  The } key remains on each and every keyboard though as testament to the firm } traditions on which computing is built.  Sometimes people even indulge } in ceremonial SHOUTING to remind us all of the initial design flaws, or } perhaps they're just lacking some cards to punch. } } Oh, and for the record many people are drunken idiots.  And that's all } there is to it. } } You owe the Oracle a new hat, preferrably of the broad-brimmed variety.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I make my gorgeous next-door neighbour desire me? She is > beautiful, intelligent and married to a man who sells oil wells for a > living; I am short, hideous, skint and with no personality. What should > I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suggest creative falsification combined, perhaps, with a regimen of } plastic surgery and beverages with liberal quantites of ethyl alcohol } in them.  If you want a more MORAL way of doing it, that's a seperate } question and will require a seperate fee. } } You owe the Oracle her phone number.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Serious, Diligent and Hardworking Oracle, > > What would be a good start up business for a cave troll?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle-Earth - Eriador - Shire - Hobbit Abatement } } Healthy young orcs, trolls and uruk-hai needed! } } Today SaruCom is the leader in the halfling abatement industry, } servicing approximately 200,000 customers.  Our dynamic growth in the } past year has created exciting career opportunities for upbeat, } take-charge minions of evil who would like to join our winning team. } } Responsibilities will include wholesale destruction of hobbits, their } nests and countryside, plus light data entry and telephone skills. } } Qualified candidates should be in good physical health, able to lift a } minimum of 600 lb. and be willing to relocate.  Multi-tasking a must. } } SaruCom offers competitive compensation and benefits including medical, } dental, vision, 401(k), stock purchase plan, life insurance, paid } vacations and holidays, extended family medical leave, and the chance } to revel in the blood of one's enemies. } } Salary: DOE } Position type: Full-time } Ref code: TOLK-JRR-3 } } Please apply by palantir to: } Bal Rogg } brogg@sarucom.com } SaruCom } Orthanc, Isengard } Rohan 2K3 } } To see all SaruCom opportunities, please apply to monster.com. } } You owe the Oracle a decent set of sequels.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh infinitely wise Internet Oracle, whose breath is the most strongly > minty fresh of all the Oracles that are, have been, or ever will be in > existence, guardian of several minor religions, as well as the Mystic > Cheese of Fiery Cheesely Power and the Lightning Bolts of ZOT: > > Please tell me as much as you know about the Mozilla dragon -- its > gender, taxonomic classification, natural habitat, employment, mating > habits, diet, level of sentience, etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} gender:  E } taxonomic classification:  mozilla mozilla (mozillaeidines) } natural habitat:  where you are not looking } employment:  not currently hiring } mating habits:  not with you, but watch out } diet:  worms } level of sentience:  37 } etc.:  motd