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} Congratulations!!! You were the only person to correctly answer the
} question posed by Me, the Oracle, in My annual "Stupid Irrelevant and
} Otherwise Obscure Questions That Only Someone Who Has Nothing Else
} Better to Do Could Possibly Hope To Answer" contest. As you may
} recall, the question I asked this year was:
}
} "What was it that Will Rogers said to himself at the pub, on his
} twenty-first birthday, when he wanted so badly to hit on the hot babe
} sitting three tables to his left, but couldn't think of anything witty
} to say?"
}
} As you probably guessed, this incident spawned what was to be the
} greatest collection of quotes ever thought up by a single person.
} However, he never got the hot babe, which may have caused him to swing
} on the other side of the fence for a brief period, using pickup lines
} such as, "I never met a man I didn't like."
}
} Don Pardo, tell our contestant what he's won!
}
} Don> Well, contestant, you and a guest will spend two luxurious weeks
} in the location of your choice!
}
} Audience> OOOOHHHHHH!
}
} Don> That's right, we will fly you anywhere in the world courtesy of
} Oracle Temporal Air Lines. Anywhere, anywhen, whether it's zero
} A.D. in Bethlehem, or 2217 A.D. on the Mars colonies, Oracle
} Temporal Air is the safest, most efficient way to go!
}
} Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
}
} Oracle> Of course, in order to save money, we sent you on your two
} week vacation two weeks ago. Hope you had a pleasant trip.
} Although I don't understand why you chose spending the two
} weeks at your parent's house watching reruns of Jeapordy when
} you could have been someplace more entertaining. Like Jim
} Bakker's prison cell.
}
} But wait! There's more, isn't there, Don?
}
} Don> That's right, Oracle. Our champion has also won a one year
} membership as a representative of the Oracular Circle, where he
} can spend all of his time helping the Oracle ponder stupid
} irrelevant and otherwise obscure questions that only a person who
} has nothing else better to do could possibly hope to answer, like
} "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could
} chuck wood?" and "Can you set me up on a date with Lisa?", and
} the ever popular variations of "Why am I not getting laid? Is it
} because I'm sitting at this stupid terminal when I should be
} hitting on hot babes in bars with my catchy quotes?"
}
} Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
}
} Oracle> But wait! There's still more, isn't there, Don?
}
} Don> er, um, hmm... uh, no. no, there isn't.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> Don, what about the date with Lisa?
}
} Don (whisper)> Well, um, er, I just got done trying to set it up. I
} just about had it in the bag when she asked me what
} the date was for.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> So, what did you tell her?
}
} Don (whisper)> I said she'd be going out with the Oracle contest
} winner.
}
} Oracle (loud)> YOU DIDN'T!!
}
} Don (whisper)> I did.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> You know how she feels about quiz show geeks.
}
} Don (whisper)> I guess I do now. She said she was washing her hair
} every night this week, next week, the week after that,
} and the week after that, ad nauseum, all the while
} muttering something about not understanding how trivia
} buffs can know so much about sex without knowing
} anything about sex. In any case, she's booked solid
} for the next seventy-two years, and promised that she'd
} go out with our winner if he were still alive by then.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> I don't suppose she'd buy it if we sent him seventy-
} two years into the future, huh?
}
} Don (whisper)> I don't suppose so.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> Shit. Well, let's give him something else. Maybe
} one of the consolation prizes.
}
} Don (whisper)> No problemo, big O.
}
} Oracle (loud)> But wait! There's still more, isn't there, Don?
}
} Don> That's right, Oracle. Our champion has also won a ten year
} supply of Winky's cow paste! Winky's, for all of your cow
} paste needs.
}
} Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
}
} Oracle> Thank you, Don Pardo. And to our champion, once again,
} congratulations!
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