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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Umm, I don't mean to be impatient oh Great and Wise Oracle, but I >  wrote to you yesterday concerning a serious and difficult problem >  and I have yet to receive a response. Was not my offering of pot, >  beer, expert buxom masseurs, and the ever-useful gold coinage not >  sufficient? I would like to have the issue resolved soon, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle is pondering your question. Expect an answer in a } day or two... hey, wait a minute. It's *you* again, isn't it? Look, } *get it right*, this time. I have iron pots. I have stainless steel } pots. I ahve copper pots. I have crock pots. You've sent me nearly } every type of crockery known to man. I have no use for that kind of } pot. Why do I suspect that if I'd asked you for crack, you would have } just broken the pottery first? } } And beer? You call that *beer*? Get me a German lager, maybe. A nice } stout. I don't want to see any more of your miserable attempts at } homebrew. Yes, I know there are good homebreweries. Yours isn't one of } them. } } About the buxom masseurs? One word: female. } } And if you're going to send me gold-foil wrapped chocolate coins, at } least make it decent chocolate, next time? None of this Hershey crap. } I wouldn't even feed it to a priest. } } You owe the Oracle... nah. Let's see you handle those, first.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, > > Is it really better to give than to receive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. Why do you think I always ask for a tribute? It's certainly } not for *my* benefit; what would I want with fourteen thousand } unshelled Brazil nuts? I can buy Brazil nuts at the store like anyone } else, and I couldn't eat fourteen thousand of them any more easily } than you could. I don't even *like* Brazil nuts. March '64 Playboy? } Why, when I have Lisa?  And with all the questions I have to answer, } do you think I'd have the time to read even a tenth of all the written } material -- books, essays, stone tablets, finger-paintings -- that } I've requested in my career? Of course not. } } I do it all for you, Supplicant. For you and everyone like you, for } everyone who's ever come before me, seeking my wisdom. I offer you my } knowledge, by answering your questions, and then I offer you something } far more valuable: a mission. A goal to achieve. An opportunity to } feel as though you've served your fellow man (or immortal, as the case } may be). A way for you to feel our relationship is an equal one, that } you have paid a fair price, that you deserve the answers you're given. } } Every time I give you a token of information, every time I give you } the answer to a question, I gain far more than you could ever know. } I would feel that I was exploiting you if didn't give you the chance } to give something back, to feel the joy and warmth inside that's an } innate part of giving. And y'know, I get a little smile just from } giving you that chance, too. } } You owe the Oracle a '57 Chevy Bel Air, three hundred thousand dollars } in small bills, and the remainder of your lifetime in indentured } servitude to the Oracular temple. Because I care.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, > > Remember those "101 Uses for..." lists a while back? Man, those were > good times, weren't they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gee, golly weren't they! } } So here we go; The Top 101 Most Transparent Requests for } the Oracle to do a Whole Lot of Work. } } 1.   What is the meaning of life? } 10.  Please prove Fermat's last theorem } 11.  Tell me how to rule the world. } 100. Once upon a time.  .  . } 101. What are the top 'X' reasons to "Y"? } } Alas, now a day people are too lazy to count in binary. } } You owe the Oracle 1010011010 demons.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most sympathetic and forgiving Oracle, > > Who made KFJ live?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DISCLAIMER (mandatory in Alabama) } Because any theory of origins is unverifiable, the Internet } Oracle does not assert the veracity or falsehood of any } of the following theories. } } The question of the origins of KFJ have confounded scientists, } philosophers, and theologians for years.  Among the theories } of "who made KFJ live" are the following: } } 1. "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...." } 2. The manufacturers of JBL speakers, to get one of their own }    named as Vice-President. } 3. Colonel Sanders, until he realized that jicama doesn't sell }    too well in these parts. } 4. "And the LORD formed KFJ of the dust of the ground, and }    breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and KFJ }    became a living soul." } 5. The same guy who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop. } 6. Anagrammatical analysis suggests a sinister motive }    implicating gender identity, to wit: "How evil, dame JFK!" } 7. I did.  Who wants to know?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, so wise in the ways of goats, tell me... > > Why does she so badly want to be a guest on my cooking > show? I didn't even know she could cook!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ] I don't know, Ricky. But she can't be as bad as Ethel. Last night she } ] tried to make me coffee, and she burned the water. } } > Oh no, here she come agin -- wat is that rideeculous ting on her } > head? } } ENTER LUCY, wearing a chef's hat and holding a lopsided and badly } decorated birthday cake. } } ) Look, Ricky! I made it myself! } } > What is that thin?!? } } ) It's a cake! Here, Fred, light the candles... } } ] How did you make that? I din't tink we had any flour in the house. } } ) We're all out of the white kind, but I found a big box of the black } ) kind up in the cabinet! } } ] *Black* flour? Waitaminute, Lucy! You din't find that box of } ] goonpowder I hid in there, did you? } } FRED LIGHTS the candles. The cake explodes, leaving frosting all over } Lucy. } } ) Waaaaah! } } ROLL CREDITS. You owe the Oracle creme-filled grenade.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why'd the raccoon run over Robbie's radio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had to ask, didn't you. } *sigh* Okay, here goes. The raccoon ran over Robbie's radio because... } ...the asp was already annihilating Anna's astroturf. } ...the buffalo was too busy beating up Billy's bug blaster. } ...the camel was caught up cancelling Christy's Compuserve. } ...the dalmation was dealing with driving Donald's dentist daffy. } ...the eagle was eating Ellen's epileptic e-mails. } ...the flamingo was flinging Fred's fingernails for food. } ...the giraffe was going gaga whilst grazing on Georgia's Google search. } ...the half-a-bee was harvesting Harold's humectant. } ...the iguana was ignoring Ingrid's Italian insult comic. } ...the jackal was jumping on Joey's jacks. } ...the kangaroo was knocking on Karen's kindergarten teacher. } ...the llama was lusting after Louie's lava lamp. } ...the muskrat was mulling over Marie's moose munchies. } ...the nematode was noshing on Norbert's noodle-noggined newt. } ...the orangutan was openly overwatering Olive's orchids. } ...the penguin was pushing Peter's poodle to Poughkeepsie. } ...the quail was quickly and quietly questioning Quentin's quibble. } ...the snake was snapping Susie's serendipitous sneakers. } ...the tiger was taking his time trapping Trent's typographical errors. } ...the upside-down-pipefish was usurping Ursula's umbrella. } ...the viper was vomiting on Victor's vector. } ...the wasp was walking on Willa's Wonka bar. } ...the xebu was x'ing-out Xavier's xylophone. } ...the yak was yapping about Yetta's yolks. } and, finally, } ...the zebra was zipping over Zachary's zoo. } } You owe the Oracle a new dictionary and some anti-alliteration therapy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most thrifty and worthwhile, > > If people were allowed to say exactly which government service > was to receive the money they are forced to hand over as tax-money > which services would they fund, what expenditures would not get any > money at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, probably the IRS, which in turn would make sorting through tax } returns all that much more difficult. You would also get your refund } about 5 years after you file. } } The EPA would receive about 10% of what it needs to pay a secretary. } } The NEA would get lots more with the added note that no more Piss } Christs are expected. } } The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms would not be funded until } they reverse their mission as regulators and start providing what they } advertise. ("Who's bringing the chips?")

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Usenet Oracle, > We've recently increased our circulation to enable us to send you > a Free Subscription to Oracle Magazine - the definitive source > for information on the use and development of Oracle products. > Oracle Magazine provides comprehensive coverage of all Oracle > products with features an columns that provide in-depth analysis > from industry analysts; comprehensive coverage of industry trends; > up-to-date information on Oracle Database Server, Oracle 9iAS, Oracle > E-Business Suite, internet computing, and tools; third-party product > announcements; technical articles on working with Oracle products > and operating environments; software tuning tips; and Oracle customer > application stories. > > Upcoming issues of Oracle will feature stories about developing for > wireless, security, planning for content management; PLUS starting > with the July/August issue, you'll get the new developer-specific > section with information on various industry standards, tutorials on > developing applications, and insights from development experts inside > and outside of Oracle.  Don't miss out - register by May 22! > > Regards, > Circulation Director > > Copyright (c) 2002, Oracle Corporation. All rights reserved.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Director, } } I am writing to you on behalf of one our client, Mr. Oracle, to whom } you recently sent an invitation to register for your magazine. } } Mr. Oracle had a look and was horrified to find a section on your web } site entitled "Ask Tom" in which members of the public are invited } to "Ask a Question". This is a blatant rip-off of his own service } and must be stopped instantly.  I enclose a copy of the hyperlink } for your consideration. } } We will be seeking punitive damages under the jurisdiction of the } Supreme Court of Delphi, which, as you know, still permits the } Zot-penalty for crimes of this magnitude. } } I await your response. } } H. Angem-Hi, } Senior Partner. } } Enc: http://asktom.oracle.com/pls/ask/f?p=4950:1:

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, greater than the greatest gods, hotter than the hottest > coals, tighter than the tightest tights, and more oracular than a > chipped tooth: > > I recently subscribed to a porn site.  I don't think there's any shame > in that.  I was in one of the little rooms with the girls and the > webcams, yeah yeah, it's kind of embarrassing...and I was seized by the > compulsion to buy "private time" with Jade.  30 bucks for 5 minutes. > So I got her to myself, asked her to take her shirt off, she did > (yes they were worth the money.  really amazing.), and I enjoyed it. > So my question is, why do I feel unfulfilled?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you see the pics of the combine?  And those seperators?  Get a } wouldn't be.  Now, put daddy's credit card back and hope he doesn't } notice the charges when the bill comes in... } } You owe the Oracle $30 for a 5-minute LIVE video of a harvester } IN ACTION!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle your ideas are like flagellates for us lowly mortals, > firmly whipping us in the right direction towards the correct > evolutionary path.  For this, we thank you. The Oracle is A > Good Thing. > > If you got together all the world's scientists, and all the > world's philosophers, and asked them what science is about, > what would they answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you put all the world's philospohers and all the world's scientists } into one great room to talk about the meaning of science, they would } all have the same thing to say; } } "Is there free dinner?" } } That is what science is all about. } } You owe the Oracle a Cornish Game Hen, Salisbury Steak, or a vegetarian } meal, with choice of Baked Potato or Rice Pilaf side dish..