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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wisest of all and taller than tall, your knoweldge emcompasses > all and may you never fall; > > I dropped the raisin!  Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now set the bunny down. } } Good, good. } } Next, -never-. The Oracle repeats, -never-, listen to } anything your big brother ever says again.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, what happens when we die? > > Is there really a HEAVEN and HELL?  PURGATORY?  PARADISE?  Or is it > just NOTHINGNESS?  Or REINCARNATION! > > How about it?  What's the BIG PAYOFF?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's like this. . . } } [ Trumpets blare, the room is filled with light, angels }   appear singing, Yahweh Himself is in the house! ] } } Orrie: Whoa. I can't be dying since I'm immortal, }        so. . . } } Yahweh: What's the BIG PAYOFF!? He wants to know }         what's the BIG PAYOFF!! Well, I'm answering }         that one Mr. Oracle! } } Orrie: Be my guest. } } Yahweh: Being alive is the BIG PAYOFF! You're nothing }         but a handful of stray atoms, a bag of water }         and poop that =I= animated so you can =be=! }         You get to walk the world for four score and }         ten, to smell flowers and watch porno flicks }         and eat avocados and hear jazz and love and }         pet puppies! And you! YOU! And you want... } } [ Yahweh snaps his fingers and the supplicant lands }   without ceremony at the Oracle's feet. Yahweh points }   at the startled supplicant. ] } } Yahweh: You want more?! } } Supplicant: Well, my lawyer has pointed out that I }             didn't ask to be made, and that You, }             once having made me, are now obligated }             to care for me into eternity. } } Yahweh: LAWYER!? I smell a rat! Or should I say a }         pack of flies! } } [ The room grows dark and cold, then, in a flash of }   fire, Satan shows up wearing a three piece suit and }   holding a brief case. ] } } Satan: My client was brought into existence without }        his prior consent. In so doing you have made }        yourself morally liable for his well-being. } } Yahweh: You talking about morals! HA! Okay mortal, }         here's your eternity. Satan, he's yours. } } Supplicant: Huh? Wait, I... } } Satan: Thanks old man, I owe you one. } } < POOF! > } } [ Satan and the supplicant vanish. Yahweh and the angels }   ascend. The Oracle is left alone. At his feet is }   a huge scorch mark on the floor. Angel feathers }   are floating in the air, which also carries a distinct }   sulfurous smell. ] } } Orrie: I wonder who's going to clean up this mess. I }        didn't make it. I don't see why I have to. . . } } Yahweh: [ from on high above ] Watch it Oracle. } } Orrie: Just kidding!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest and most devout oracle, greetings from your number one fan and > user. As you know, I run all of my life decisions by you, and your > advice is never wrong. > > However, I'm concerned about recent events. I've run into a little > legal trouble, and will soon be in court. Are my questions to you and > your subsequent answers covered by any confidentiality agreements, > similar to lawyer-client privilege or the confidentiality of > doctor/patient relationships, or can our communications be subject to a > subpoena? > > As always, thank you for you consideration and response, > > A humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rest assured young supplicant. All discussions with the } Oracle are protected by a pair of noble and inviolate } laws older than the first turtle than wore out and has } been replaced by the current turtle that holds up the } earth on which you live. } } Rule One: All communications with the Oracle that are }           not widely proclaimed aloud, nor printed }           where the bright and unwashed alike may find }           them, nor blended into song or verse by those }           crafted in those arts can only be shared with }           the holders of THE SACRED SCRIPT. } } Rule Two: The Sacred Script is what currency is most }           widely accepted at the time of the transaction }           in question, decisions of the Oracle as to the }           exact amount needed are final-- however he }           will tend to rule in favor of turning over }           any information he has to whom ever offers }           him the most. } } Those are the rules, and they may not be trifled with } lightly. } } You owe the Oracle two suitcases full of US equal shares } of twenties and tens. As a starting point.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and mighty Oracle, with your infinite wisdom and grace, please > tell me: > > What should I have for lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sandwich Simulator 0.8.41 } Copyright (c) 2002, Oraculous Software } } RUNNING SANDWICH SIMULATION, PLEASE WAIT... } (This software is running in --verbose mode.) } } Using sandwich1.dat } } Current lunch meat coefficient: 45.42 } Current cheese coefficient: 31.70 } Current vegetable coefficient: 45.57 } Current condiment coefficient: 86.93 } } Estimated time of completion 4:09. } Do you want to continue? > y } } Loading lunchmeat.dat...Done. } Processing lunch meats... } } BOLOGNA (2.4mean, 0.52min, 7.773max, 3.3std deviation) } PASTRAMI (4.6mean, 1.33min, 9.12max, 4.56std deviation) } SALAMI (6.62mean, 2.28min, 12.23max, 4.4std deviation) } CORNEDBEEF (5.73mean, 1.04min, 8.824max, 2.923333333std deviation) } GROUNDHOG (4.45mean, 2.04min, 6.7max, 0.98std deviation) } PARAKEET (0.2mean, 0.001min, 9.14max, 0.003std deviation) } } Doing mass ration transform... } Doing compatibility ratios... } Finding curve for data... } } Lunch meats done. } } Loading cheese.dat...Done. } Processing cheeses... } } AMERICAN (8.7mean, 3.33min, 17.0004max, 6.3std deviation) } SWISS (3.2mean, 2.4min, 5.4max, 1.2std deviation) } SOYCHEESE (ERROR: EMPTY DATA SET) } } Doing mass ration transform... } Doing compatibility ratios... } Finding curve for data... } } Cheeses done. } } Loading vegetable.dat...Done. } Processing vegetables... } } TOMATO (9.21mean, 6.63min, 12.22max, 4.8std deviation) } TOBACCO (3.24mean, 1.21min, 100.00max, 4.2std deviation) } POPPY (4.432mean, 0.5min, 13.32max, 2.3std deviation) } HASH (2.4mean, 1.2min, 6.6max, 1.1std deviation) } } Doing mass ration transform... } Doing compatibility ratios... } Finding curve for data... } } Vegetables done. } } Loading condiments.dat...Done. } Processing condiments... } } MAYONNAISE (45.32mean, 21.12min, 78.22max, 13.34std deviation) } TREESAP (8.12mean, 2.33min, 9.12max, 0.5std deviation) } ELMERSGLUE (4.4mean, 1.24min, 6.42max, 2.2std deviation) } CAULK (3.29mean, 0.03min, 4.29max, 1.2std deviation) } } Overflow error, skipping remaining condiments: (NOVOCAINE, ASPHALT, } CHLOROPHYLL, PEATMOSS, NADS-GEL) } } Computing proper sandwich ratios... } } Your ideal sandwich is: } } STEAK } CORNEDBEEF } } with } } GRUYERE } SOYCHEESE } } and } } ONION } TOMATO } HASH } MUSTARD } ELMERSGLUE } } on } } ONIONROLL } } Another sandwich? > } } (The Oracle requests lunch, on you.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Deep Throat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was no one person that was Deep Throat. It was the } term applied to a conglomeration of sources. MUCH of the } info was from members of a sex trading group among the } Washington insiders, no pun intended, nor tongue in } cheek either. Anyway the name Deep Throat was an allusion } to that information source. Sex still is -way- kinky in } Washington DC, think Gary Condit. Remember it was seemingly } stodgy old Henry Kissinger who said, "Power is the } ultimate aphrodisiac." Which of course begs the question, } 'Who's Kissinger now?". } } You owe the Oracle a limo, just for two hours.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If not in ME (Middle Earth), where could Tolkien have set his } epic tale? } } ==/ Not the Wild West: /== } } [ A grimy, near empty saloon, over the bar is a bullet hole }   riddled oil painting of a she-elf laying provocatively }   on a red coach in Lorien. Gandalf and Frodo are sitting }   at a playing card strewn, poker table in the back. ] } } Gandalf: Pardner, that's a plum powerful magic ring you've }          done laid yer hands on. It gotta be DE-stroyed. } } Bilbo: Nuthin' doin' ya sidewinder! You just be hankerin' it }        fer yerself, that's all. } } [ Gandalf stands, his Ten Gallon Hat scarpes the roof of }   the bar, he looks way too tall in his boots, his chaps }   and handle-bar mustache flurry about him like a cyclone }   is in the room! ] } } Gandalf: Don't you be thinkin' I'm just some snake-oil }          salesman! `Cause I ain't! } } ==/ Not in Outer Space: /== } } [ Storage are in the docking bay of a enormous rock }   circling the burnt out ember of a brown dwarf star. }   Bug-eye aliens are rushing down a hall at our heroes! ] } } Legolas: Batten that hatch! } } Boromir [ as he spins the lock on the door ]: They've }         got a CAVE-ROBOT! } } [ Hatch melts as lasers from other side melt the hatch. }   Gimili jumps up on a crate, laser axe in hand. ] } } Gimli: There's still one Dwarf in this Asteroid that }        can still draw blood! } } Hmm, actually that one sounds vaguely feasible. . . } } ==/ Well, certainly Not in 1920's Gangland Chicago! /== } } [ Saruman is dressed in a white suit and white fedora. }   He's sitting behind a huge dark desk, which his feet }   are resting on. He's absent mindedly playing with a }   .38 revolver as he speaks. Before him is a huge }   muscle bound hulk in a too tight gray pinstriped suit. }   The big guy is cradling a Tommy Gun in his massive }   arms, and chewing on a toothpick that he keeps moving }   from one side of his mouth to the other. ] } } Saruman: See, they gotta be rubbed out. See? And }          rubbed out now. See. } } Lurtz: Ergh. } } Saruman: Shoot'em fulla holes, drown them in the Great }          River all the same to me. See? But they got }          a runt with them that's got something of mine. }          See? And I want it back. See. In one piece. See? } } Lurts: Ergh. } } Saruman: Soon this whole city will be mine. See. And }          then... are you listenin' to me? } } Lurtz: Ergh. } } Hmm, that one doesn't seem to farfetched either, now } that I read it over again. But there's one place that } Tolkien's works would've seemed way out of place in... } } ==/ Shakespeare's England! /== } } Eowyn: What is thy name? } } Witch King: I have No Name, save in ICE. } } Eowyn: O Thou liest, abhorred tyrant; with my sword }        I'll prove the lie thou speak'st. } } Witch King: I bear a charmed life, which must not yield }             To one of woman born! } } [ Pippin leaps up and stabs Witch King in the butt! ] } } Pippin: Fie! Ha-Ha! Not of woman borne was I! } } Hmm, that's sound vaguely familiar too. <shrug> Oh well. } Middle Earth (ME) it was, old JRR knew what he was doing } leave it at that. } } You owe the Oracle a pound of Southfarthing leaf.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the world really a huge, contaminated apple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you're a bizarrely mutated life form that inhabits a Macintosh } II that was flung into solar orbit after being left in a biological } warfare laboratory and then in a nuclear waste dump for a few years. } } Hypothetically *ahem* speaking. (although this would explain Gumby) } } You owe the Oracle a friend like Pokey.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, being all-knowing, knows about many different forms of this } "Love" of which you speak. Please confirm whether you need information } on: } } a) Love, true } b) Love, platonic } c) Love, bad } d) Love, tough } e) Love, temporary (non-paid for) } f) Love, temporary (paid for) } g) Love, temporary (paid for at double cost for special services) } h) Love, gold-digging } i) Love, old band from the 60s and 70s } j) Love, idealised } k) Love, undying } l) Love, formerly undying } m) Love, imagined } n) Love, unrequited } o) Love, star-crossed } p) Love, causing a burning pain upon urination } q) Love, hot } r) Love, cold } s) Love, tepid } t) Love, distant } u) Love, unfulfilling } v) Love, Mike, member of the Beach Boys } w) Love, squishy } x) Love, messy } y) Love, hot 'n' horny slut-driven / advertised with spam } z) Love, guilty } aa) Love, illegal } bb) Love, bestial (see (aa) above) } cc) Love, Oracular } } If (cc) please also forward contact details and your credit card } number. } } You owe the Oracle a bit of e) and a whole load of q).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, before whom I humbly bow in supplication, please > shed an itty bitty portion of your illuminating knowledge upon me and > answer this question; > > Which is more macho: school bus or volcano?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} School buses. Of this there can be no doubt. Consider Plithy the } Younger's account of the Destruction of Pompeii by school buses: } } "Horror gripped us as rain of huge honey-bee colored wheeled boxes } the size of small villas rained down on the city of Pompeii. The } homes of rich and poor alike were being rocked by tremors, as if } the school buses where hitting speed bumps at unsafe speeds. } There was danger from flat spare tires that were coming down, } and non-functioning brake lights and torn gum-encrusted smelly } bench seats of an ugly unearthly green. } } "We tied pillows on top of our heads as protection against the } shower of bus bits. But all this did was make for foolish } looking corpses as the bus bits were so virulently dangerous. } } "Over the constant horn honking and air brake whooshing you } could hear women lamenting, children crying, men shouting. } Some were calling for people to 'sit down,' others to 'keep } those windows closed.' Many raised their hands to the gods, } while others felt that Pompeii was on one last unending bus } ride to the junior high school of Pluto himself." } } You owe the Oracle some figs.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will Google Answers ever answer my Researcher application?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant. You are among the throng of ever-faithful believers } that cling to the hope that useful information on the Internet actually } EXISTS! } } In all fairness, however, the Internet is actually quite useful if your } interests lie in the following areas: } } 1) Compiling a list of knock-knock jokes for your 3-year-old nephew. } } 2) Attempting to find out who is better: Kirk or Picard? } } 3) Browsing through pictures of other's collections of sporks or } condiment packages. } } 4) Comparing the physical similarities between Maria Shriver and Yoda. } } 5) Sending a belated electronic birthday card to that cousin you never } really liked anyway. } } That is not an all-inclusive list, mind you, but I think you have the } idea. There may be a some things that the Internet is useful for, but } in the words I gave to it's ever-charming inventor when he asked me if } he'd win Florida, "Don't count on it.". } } You owe the Oracle a return of the "FREE ACCESS" plans.