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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Nutritious Oracle, > > What could I can add to coffee so it will supply > all my dietary needs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coffee has negative nutritional value -- you can start with milk and } sugar, and add: }  - cereal (something that doesn't have those little hard marshmallows) }  - toast w/ butter (the doctors have recanted; butter is better again) }  - milk }  - two oranges }  - ham and eggs }  - fried haddock }  - a Coffinbane 1-A-Day multi-vitamin }  - leftover pizza }  - a leg of turkey }  - a laundry hamper full of alphalpha sprouts }  - a bowl of oatbran }  - a half-teaspoon of monosodium phosphate }  - and two glasses of filtered water. } } Despite what General Mills tells you, coffee isn't a part of a } complete breakfast. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of tea.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is supreme in all things idiotic, who is faster than a > stationary bullet, who can move mountains in his mind, who can leap > small anthills in a single bound, who can swim like a brick, fly like a > pig, can kill a man with one touch when Hell freezes over, and whose > feet really, really, stink, > > Do you actually bother to read supplicants' grovels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! Now don't forget to put the plaster over } the beak, not under it, and make sure you don't get } the adobe and the stucco confused or you could have } fire problems. Also, watch out for that truck. } } You owe the Oracle some Odor-Eaters, after you get out } of the ICU of course.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is everybody else's sky blue, but mine is a dark beige?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's just one of those LA things, you'll get used to it. } } You owe the Oracle some pine trees.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you ever sell anything on Ebay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you think I always ask for such weird tribute? } _I_ certainly can't use all that junk. } } You owe the Oracle a drained 3.6 volt lithium ion battery.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most, um, oracular: > > Whatever happened to rec.humor.oracle.a, b, and c?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A sparklingly clean laboratory, deep below the sub-basements }   of Indiana University. Along the walls are white rodents and }   huge chimpanzees in cages, some of the animals are running on }   exercised wheels, some of them are sleeping, most are sitting, }   mouths open, starting at monitors. All have wires poking out }   of their brains attaching them to bank after bank of old }   discarded 286s and vats of bubbling goo. We see the Oracle }   and Zadoc approaching. They are  wearing white smocks and }   safety glasses. ] } } Oracle: This is the Oracle Research Lab. Here we rigorously }         test all of our humor before passing it along to }         you, our loyal and valued customers. } } [ A light flashes over one of the rat cages. Zadoc rushes }   over and peers into the cage. ] } } Oracle: Ah! Here's a tested joke now. } } Zadoc: Sorry Wisest One, it seems the rat in the next cage was }        just gagging on a bit of carrot and this one was laughing }        at it. } } Oracle: Ho,ho,ho. Well, before we released rec.humor.oracle.d }         to the public we tried some different flavors out on }         our test 'pets'. Let's see... } } [ The Oracle checks a clipboard. ] } } Oracle: rec.humor.oracle.a was monitored 24 hours a day by }         a trained humorist. rec.humor.oracle.b was linked to }         our bank of computers and whatever topic was being }         discussed it provided humorous links... } } Zadoc: Master! This ape is tossing banana peels all over! } } Oracle: Deal with it. rec.humor.oracle.c was an international }         group, we had a diverse group of talented youth selected }         by talent shows held in rain forest friendly bars around }         the world. } } Zadoc: WISE ONE! The apes are in a food fight! } } Oracle: Worm! I'm busy. Look, Okay here... } } [ The Oracle walks over towards Zadoc, promptly steps on a }   banana peel and -kersplat!- slips and falls on his butt. }   All the lights over all the cages light up. The apes all }   hoot and hoot. The rodents leap about clapping their tiny }   paws. The Oracle looks up from the floor towards the }   supplicant. ] } } Oracle: <sigh> rec.humor.oracle.d was the control group where }         these, these 'charges' here selected what humor was }         used. } } [ A huge glob of something spalts on the Oracle's safety }   glasses. The room goes wild. ] } } Oracle: Oh, well. They do work for peanuts. } } [ All the lights go off, the room grows silent. The Oracle }   shrugs then sticks his hand in his armpit and pumps it }   back and forth making funny sounds. The lights all go }   back on and hilarity resumes. ] } } Oracle: Why fight it?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me.  I am one of the few people stuck at work today. > Apparently, I didn't get the memo that managers were not to come in. > Because no one is here, and our clients and vendors aren't in either, > there is nothing going on.  I am running out of things to do.  I've > already wandered the corridors aimlessly, and intimidated the people > who actually have things to do.  I also been keeping an eye on the > coffee pot.  I now turn to you, in a transparent attempt to amuse > myself while I'm at the office.  Can you suggest something to do that > looks vaguely worklike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)    Write "I will not show off" in Olde Englishe letters on the }       chalkboard five hundred times. } 2)    Stare at butts, any butts, cigarette butts, rifle butts, }       co-worker butts, dog butts, until you get someone's attention. }       When someone gets up the courage to ask why, tell them it }       was an assignment from senior management, and since I've }       been on your board of directors for five minutes with eight }       thousand put options, you won't be lying. } 3)    Draw said butts in a collage and send them to me as a PNG, }       just in case someone calls security to verify your story. } 4)    Send an anonymous e-mail to the IRS telling them that }       they'll get this month's financial statement next year. }       Include the same attachment you sent to me as a PNG. } 5)    Remember that coffee pot you've been watching? }       Go out to the street. Ask for three grams of something green and }       spicy. Buy it if it smells good and sweet. Buy about 100mL of }       propylene glycol (vanilla flavouring). Boil them together for }       about five minutes, but avoid giving yourself away with the }       resultant odour. Spike the coffee with the filtered part, }       and eat the rest. } 6)    Go to your boss's office (or appropriate his e-mail account, }       whichever is either more prudent or practical), and send an }       e-mail from it demanding that people stop masturbating in }       the washrooms, and that if this practice must continue at }       all, then it should be done in the privacy of your office }       or cubicle. } 7)    Don't forget to take copies of all his voice messaging for }       an assignment you will give to stoned Enjineers. } 8)    Get the Geers to take his syllables out of context to make the }       following messages: }       "Your ass? My office. Pronto!" }       "Tell me what to lick." }       "What KIND of cream would you LIKE in your coffee?" } 9)    Hav them do the same kind of thing you did in #6, except }       they'll randomly select only one of the messages designed }       in #8. They can also pick members of senior management to... }       Tell them that they're "modulating senior management". }       That'll make sense when they're stoned. } 10)   Buy The Internet Oracle five hundred call-options }       in your public relations contractor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle, > > How can I increase my knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subject: INCREASE YOUR KNOWLEDGE SIZE!! } Date: Fri, 5 Jul 2002 12:53:21 -0500 (EST) } From: bigknow <maildaemon@it.snotmail.com> } To: supplicant  supplicant@127.0.0.1 } } YES! You can have a BIG Knowledge base in just 4 weeks! } Why be embarrassed by having a tiny brain when you can } have A HUGE GRAY WRINKLED BRAIN FULL OF SMARTS!! } } "It works," says Z*doc[0] "I tried those study for years } and get a degree methods. Way too much work. But with } EZ-BIG_SMART I had a big ol' brain in no time!" } } "I love a man with really, really huge knowledge base," } coos foxy babes like L*sa[0]. ALL BABES DO! } } "Whoa, I tried like expanding by mind with pscyhotropic } substances and I can't tell if my knowledge base is } bigger or not and I don't care," says K*ndai[0]. Don't } let that happen to you! Some at home methods are out } and out dangerous! } } EZ-BIG-SMART has been used by zillions, include people } so rich and famous they have lawyers so we won't mention } their names here! AND ALL IT TAKES IS FOUR WEEKS! } } And all it takes is your Credit Card number, full name } and card expiration date! } } For full info CLICK on this link: } http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/special/digestD1K.cgi } } [0] names withheld to protect privacy

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle whose wisdom shines so brightly as to make >  even those who see it out of peripheral vision squint, >  he whose dead skin cells surely become objects of >  worship for dust mites after flaking off, he whose spit >  is scarcely inferior to liquid gold, he who surely >  has shining, gleming white teeth and fresh minty >  breath, he who knows the correct words for all the >  symbols in the top row of the keyboard, he who is a >  paragon of all that is right: > >  What's up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A preposition.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two Person Deluxe Meal: Pick any three from Column A, Choose Two > from Row II, and select 8 items from List 3. ($42.23)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                   --= DeLuxe Meal=-- } } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ }    Column A    |      Column B        |     Column C     | } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ }    Dixie cup   |   half a head of     |  a single kernel | }    of lard     |  iceberg lettuce     |      of corn     | } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ }  two cubes of  |   teaspoon of goat   |  a single kernel | }     sugar      |        eyes          |     of corn      | } ---------------+----------------------+------------------+ }   small bag    |                      |  a single kernel | }    of chips    |                      |     of corn      | } ---------------+                      +------------------+ }                                       |  a single kernel | }                                       |     of corn      | }                                       +------------------+ }                                       |  a single kernel | }                                       |     of corn      | }                                       +------------------+ }                                       |  a single kernel | }                                       |     of corn      | }                                       +------------------+ }                                       |  a single kernel | }                                       |     of corn      | }                                       +------------------+ } } Note to Self: Do NOT allow Zadoc to pick which airline }               the Oracle uses next time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose toenail clippings contains more knowledge than I > could ever dream to aquire, please aid me. > > My wife and I are about to buy our first house, but how will we know > when we find the *right* house?  I mean, this isn't a choice to make > lightly; these days so many house purchases end in early sales or > defaulted mortgages.  I've liked lots of houses before, and this one > seems great - the best so far. Does that mean it's right for us?  We > don't want to end up trapped with the wrong house for the rest of our > lives (or at least the next 10 years).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when } you go to settlement on your new home: } } 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's }     garden." } } 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the }     ancient Indian burial ground." } } 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but }     I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet }     of it." } } 4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted." } } 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not }     'killer' bees." } } 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it }     would reach as far back as your property." } } 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the }     presence of radioactivity." } } 8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice }     sessions right next door?" } } 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never }     actually able to prove it was murder." } } 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."