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} The Bastard Oracle From Hell, slipping into third person as only a
} deity and several inbred members of the royal family can, sipped his
} drink carefully and disassembled the laxative with his tongue. His
} protege, the Priestly-Shaped Yankee, was learning ... but not fast
} enough.
}
} Unfortunately, the Zot Staff was in a state of slight disrepair, its
} wattage level having been set far over spec in a brilliant display of
} incendiary technology, taking well over half of Wisconsin with it. A
} clever ploy and several diverted funds later, and it was only a matter
} of time until it was replaced before anyone noticed.
}
} Not that there was anything especially important in Wisconsin, but I
} hate leaving a mess. And talking in third-person scares the locals.
}
} "I'm bored," said the PSY, interrupting my train of thought. Apparently
} tired of randomly deleting questions from the queue and irrevocably
} rerouting others, the PSY had switched to redirecting all queries from
} AOL to dev/null where they properly belonged. That having taken all of
} seven seconds of his time, he was looking for alternate distractions; I
} would normally gladly assist in his time of need, but with the Zot
} Staff out of commission ...
}
} No matter. I was entertained by occasional screams of pain preceded (by
} pure coincidence, no doubt) by the sound of a drawer being slammed shut
} on a not-private-anymore area when the phone rang. The PSY, never one
} to have difficulty in exchanging suffering for the possibility of
} pleasure, put it on the hands-free so he could properly recover.
}
} "First National Bank!" the PSY cheerily announced, our misdirection
} technique of the day.
}
} "First National ...?" queried the user. "I thought this was the number
} for the systems room."
}
} "No, this is the First National Bank," insisted the PSY, his voice
} dropping the sunshine in favour of a sterner tone. "Who told you this
} was systems?"
}
} "The helpdesk, I thought," muttered the confused priest, "they
} transferred me directly to you."
}
} "I'll tell you what," I chimed in, using the PSY's voice so the priest
} wouldn't know I was in the room, "we'll try to help you out anyway,
} since you seem to be a good enough person."
}
} "What are you doing?" mouthed the PSY.
}
} "You said you were bored," I mouth back, motioning ever-so-slightly to
} the nearest drawer.
}
} "What seems to be the problem?"
}
} Clever guy. Well, not necessarily clever, but quick.
}
} "Um, well, I don't think you can help ..." stuttered the user.
}
} "How hard can it be? I used to work in systems; not much can have
} changed in ten years, right?"
}
} That's not bad, actually; just enough doubt so that if something goes
} wrong, the user can blame himself. Maybe he's smarter than I thought.
}
} "Well, see, I can't log into the queue to get my daily set."
}
} The PSY rolls his eyes. In other words, he can't get his mail.
}
} "What's the error message you're getting?"
}
} "Er, well, I don't know; the message screen always goes by so fast, and
} then the program closes ..."
}
} "I'm no expert," interrupts the PSY, "but I'd say it's probably due
} to," he flips the excuse card over, "intermittent connection relays."
}
} "What?"
}
} "Well, when you connect to get your set, your computer has to hook up
} to the internet through a few dozen relay ports. If those relays aren't
} set up correctly, you'll never get through."
}
} *Dummy Mode On*
}
} "Oh, well, that makes sense ..."
}
} "What you'll need to do is boost the output of your computer so it
} doesn't have to use so many relays."
}
} "Ohhhhh, like a radio signal."
}
} The PSY smiles. Just enough information to be dangerous.
}
} "Yes, that's right."
}
} "Okay, so how do I boost the signal?"
}
} "Well, it's a bit tricky, and might void your warrantee ..."
}
} "That's okay; I really need to log into the queue!"
}
} "Okay. Do you happen to know what kind of power plug your computer
} has?"
}
} "What do you mean?"
}
} "Does it have two prongs or three?"
}
} "Lemme check ... um, three. Oh, and my computer just shut off."
}
} "That's okay; you'll need to reboot anyway. But it looks like your
} computer isn't getting enough power to boost the signal; that third
} prong is just *killing* your feed. You'll have to cut it off."
}
} "I have my pocket knife. Will that work?"
}
} "It just might do the job. Snip off that third prong, plug in, boot up,
} and you should be just fine."
}
} "Thanks!"
}
} "All part of the service. Thanks for calling First National Bank."
}
} <Click>
}
} The PSY smiles at me. "I figure we have about ten minutes before the
} fire alarms go off."
}
} "Just enough time to go get a lager, then."
}
} "My treat!"
}
} Now that's a first. I take some laxatives out of my hidden drawer for a
} pre-emptive strike.
}
} Just another day at the office ...
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