Goto:

1277, 1277-01, 1277-02, 1277-03, 1277-04, 1277-05, 1277-06, 1277-07, 1277-08, 1277-09, 1277-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OWAAKO, > > I have decided that, to assist you in your oracling, I would like to > coin a few useful acronyms.  For instance, I think we need a standard > and easy tribute, such as Oh Wise And All Knowing Oracle (OWAAKO), so > as to not make you read such things over and over again.  I think You > Owe The Oracle (YOTO) might require less ink and hand motions on the > part of your priests.  What do you make of these ideas, great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GI! SB! EBIBFTI, AWLI. } } YOO a new cell phone.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who could bring a knife to a gunfight and win > anyway, please tell this lowly supplicant... > > Where have all the cowboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, just to make sure we're clear, I could come to a gunfight with a } spoon and win anyway.  Isn't *that* ironic? } } Hmm, cowboys, cowboys--I had them here a second ago...  Ah, here we } are. Since the main job of the cowboy was to herd cattle from the } ranches to the various slaughterhouses, the need for them was greatly } reduced as more of the country was connected via road and rail.  Today, } all the cowboys have changed professions to a modern job that suits } their skills.  Since they can withstand a great deal of monotony, are } proficient in pointing brainless animals in the proper direction } (especially when the destination is not in the animals' best interest), } jump into action the moment any little thing goes awry (which includes } things being "too quiet"), don't care what they're wearing as long as } it's comfortable and are willing to shoot someone they don't like on } sight, they are currently in great demand. } } We now call them tech support. } } And don't be fooled by those namby-pamby city-slickers on "help desk". } Those fools can't tell a SCSI port from a hole in their head.  I'm } talking real tech support.  The guys and girls who'll format a hard } drive just to show the machine who's boss (especially if it runs any } form of Windows).  I once saw a man quick-draw his leatherman and swap } out two hard drives and a motherboard before the greenhorn MCSE he was } facing found the power switch.  Some say they've lost their spark from } the old days, but those who do have never felt the sting of a blood } sacrifice freely given to the gods of PCI card installation. } } Oh, you want to know how to win a gunfight with a spoon?  Just hold it } up and say "There is no spoon".  When your opponent looks at your hand } to try to figure out what you're talking about (and how to get you to } share your obviously high-quality stash), you kick him in the } saddlehorn. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of chaps, a spoon, and a saddlehorn cup.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your move.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Checkmate. } } Zadoc: Dang, I always lose. No more. } } Oracle: Come on this time I'll play minus the pawn. } } Zadoc: Hmm, so all you get on the board is your king? } } Oracle: Yep. So how much do you want to wager this time?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oraxl most versed in the scienfce of biolofy, > > What's so geat about opoosavle thumbd anyway?cI > sid't need rthem to type trhis qurstion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, until you guys crank out the works of Shakespeare } NONE of you monkeys are supposed to be sending out email } and the like. We won't even bring up all the hits to } simian.love.com. } } You owe the Oracle three weird sisters.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle most knowing, whose breadth I am not fit to butter, > > Everytime I reload the homepage of the Internet Oracle, the words > 'Internet Oracle' appear in a different style. At first I didn't > notice it much, but then I realized that there could only be one way > for such a phenomenon to occur--I must have supernatural powers that > allow me to travel to different dimensions where 'Internet Oracle' > is written differently! Or perhaps my computer is responsible for > such a wondrous ability. The thing is, Oracle, that all the other > dimensions are pretty boring. I mean, they're pretty much like the > one I started out in.  Where are all the interesting ones, and why > can't I get to them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You _are_ in the interesting one, bucko.  Consider all these dimensions } that you could have been stuck in: } } Dimension 34: Chocolate tastes like sour milk and oysters. } } Dimension 101: The average sleep cycle is 19 hours out of every 24. } } Dimension 332: The laws of physics allow for only three possible }    musical notes, which have been dubbed Moe, Larry, and Curly. } } Dimension 399: An orgasm is slightly less interesting than a sneeze. } } Dimensions 555 through 559: Emperor Gates has forbidden all }    non-Microsoft technology and there are no rebels because the idea }    of rebellion has never been conceived. } } Dimension 609: Due to unfavorable genetic mutations all women talk like }    Selma and Patty Simpson. } } Dimension 747: Cheese dissolves instantly in sunlight. } } Dimension 785: Movies soundtracks are _never_ synchronized with }    the pictures. } } Dimension 1102: Phones and doorbells continue to ring for 30 seconds }    after they've been answered. } } Dimension 1229: The Oracle ZOT!'s his supplicants _before_ they }    ask their questions. } } You owe the Oracle some chocolate NOT from Dimension 34.  Eewwwww!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, my local government's legislature recently > enacted a law entitled thus: > >      "Funeral directors and embalmers; continuing education." > > No doubt there is a considerable public interest in this subject. > The details, however, escape me.  What marvelous advancements have > been made in embalming these days, that would prompt such a requirement > on education in the subject?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} EMBALMING LESSON #1: } } Make sure the person is dead before embalming them. } } WHAT IF: } } The person is not dead? } Do not embalm; instead, call the person's family, friends, and local } news.  Pretend it was a miracle. } } The person is not dead, but I embalmed him anyway? } He's dead now, so what does it matter? } } EMBALMING LESSON #2: } } Make sure you know how to use the embalmer. } } WHAT IF: } } I don't know how to use the embalmer? } Learn. } Aren't you going to teach me? } No. } Why not? } I don't want to. } This is supposed to be educational! } You want educational?  Fine then.  We'll be starting number theory } today- } No, no, you're supposed to teach me about embalming. } I am. } But you're supposed to teach me how to use the embalmer! } Read the manual. } } I don't know how to use the embalmer, but I used it anway? } That depends.  Did it work anyway? } Yes: OK, now you know. } No: RUN. } } EMBALMING LESSON #3: } } You don't need special education on the subject to become an embalmer. } } WHAT IF: } } The law requires it? } Read this instead. } } EMBALMING LESSON #4: } } What are you still reading this for?  You're smart enough to realize you } don't need to continue. } } EMBALMING LESSON #5: } } You are an idiot if you are reading this. } } EMBALMING LESSON #6: } } There is no lesson 6!  Haven't you figured that out by now? } } (The guide continues with 200 more pages of similar filler material. } The government approves of it wholeheartedly.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Disgusting Oracle, when will my questions make it into the > Oracular Disgusts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you send them to the right address.  Try disgusting@aol.com, } I think that's what the Disgusting Oracle is using now, but it might } be his hotmail account.  Coincidentally, for the Internet Oracle, } asking how to get in the digests is a surefire way not to get in } the digests, just as mentioning that a reply won't make it ensures } it won't.  However, at times, succoring those wise, funny, attractive, } well-to-do, and successful high priests can have an effect. } } You owe the Oracle.  Big time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most erudite, unencumbered by a need for errata due to your > perfect nature you are my exclusive source of enlightenment.  I > worship you and the horse you rode in on. . . > > What can I do to keep from getting hurt by jellyfish while at the > beach?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bring peanut-butter flavored goldfish.  A lot of them.  Dump them in } the water.  If there are any jellyfish, they'll spend all their time } trying to drive out the peanut-fish (they hate competition). } } You owe the Oracle some fish-flavored jelly.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> L06 0n H3R3 Dud3! --> 127.0.0.1 > > I s3t up aN aCc0unT 4 U! Us3 th3 L061n aNd Pa55w0rD > fr0m Y3r rEgu1ar AcK0unt AnD Y3r 1N!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} K3\/\/L!  T|-|4NKZ 4 T|-|4 S|-|3LL 2 UR 4KK0UNT D00D! } |3UT J00 S|-|0UL|) CL33N 0UT UR CR3|)1T C4R|) #s D00D!  1 |30UG|-|T 4 } N00 4L13N\/\/4R3 \/\/1T UR \/1S4!  T|-|4NKZ! } } J00 0\/\/3 T|-|33 OR4CL3 |\/|0R3 L33TN3SS!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, one whisper from you and I could cross the > Rub' al Khali at mid-day with a song in my heart. Your every > suggestion is worth its weight in uncut rubies. > > Why is conspiracy theory believed over facts now a days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, let me just say that that grovel was very, very pretty. } It's rare to even get a grovel nowadays, so that makes the really } nice ones all the more enjoyable. Please accept My gratitude. } } Now, on to your question. } } It is an established fact in human psychology that you tend to see } patterns in things that are truly random. The typical human conception } of "randomness" is, in fact, something that could only result from } order, whereas if you present someone with a randomly generated image, } s/he will think that s/he can find patterns within it. } } Now, turn your attention to the diagram on the chalkboard over there, } if you would be so kind. In it, we can see that in fact, it was the } members of the Warren Commission who caused the Teapot Dome Scandal, } that the leaders of the G7 were responsible for JFK's death, and } that the Illuminati have actually cornered the world platinum market. } Further, the Greys have infiltrated KFC and everyone knows that the } CIA is putting flouride in the water supply so that Coca-Cola can } sell more products. } } The problem is that you sad little humans take these plain, honest } facts and try to find some sort of order in them. It's a pity. } } You owe the Oracle one of those pyramids with an eye on top.