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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, Oracle most wonderful. You know not only when the > sparrow falls, but also when it is due to take an uptick and when it is > best to avoid sparrow futures altogether. You have hair that > miraculously stays in place even in the windiest convertible. Your > socks never need darning. > > Why is it forbidden for people to look at or talk to each other on > commuter trains? Is it a religous thing? And why did that guy sitting > in front of me keep scratching his head? > > I know you can answer me, Oracle, because you're just so neat and > spiffy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Washington DC (TIONews): Amtrak today announced that it was }  implementing a "Talking Car" on all it's routes. Now those }  people that wish to gab at total strangers, be it from extreme }  loneliness or a nosy need to pry, will have a place to "chew }  the fat" with folks to whom they've never been introduced. }  "We want to change the misconception that people enjoy the }  time to rest and think on the train," said Amtrak spokesman }  Timothy "Choo-Choo" Ewey, "actually people want to hear about }  others' observations on objects outside the window that the }  commuter sees day in and day out, crackpot NWO conspiracy }  theories, and most of all -- the physical aches and pains of }  humans they aren't even vaguely related to, We think this will }  be a huge hit!" In related news Amtrak ridership was off by }  700% and the agency was petitioning the government for an }  additional ten gazillion dollars to keep it afloat until next }  Thursday.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty omniscient Oracle, fount of all knowledge, keeper of all > wisdom, here the plea of this poor soul... > > What is Kraft American "cheese-like food" *really* made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order from largest amount to smallest amount, it's made of: } } *deep breath* } } Thiamin mononitrate, ferrous sulfate, sodium benzoate, benzium } sodioate, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, dexadrin, soy } lecithin-an emulsifier, kitten katothol, sodium ascorbate and } ascorbic acid, pyridoxine hydrochloride, hydrochloric palmitate, } phosphoric acid, lactic acid starter culture, BHA, BHT, maltodextrin, } LL-cysteine hydrochloride, ammonium sulfate, monocalcium phosphate, } THBQ, MVBMS, bits of Jimmy Hoffa, ethylhexyl p-methoxycinnamate, } oxybenzone, 2-ethyhexyl salicyate, homosalate, snips and snails and } puppydog tails, PEG-8, silica, cetyl phosphate, acrylates/C10-30 } alkyl acrylate crosspolymer, diazolidinyl urea, methylparaben, } popylparaben, disodium EDTA, propylene glycol, patent pending, } triethanolamine, THC, PABA, canthaxanthin, 5-hydroxy tryptophan, } adenosine triphosphate, synthetic iron oxide, nasty squid } tentacles, ferrous gluconate, toasted partially defatted cooked } cottonseed flour, radioactive waste, titanium dioxide, riboflavin, } potassium sodium copper chlorophyllin (chlorophyllin-copper } complex), luminescent zinc sulfide, sunlight, strawberry alarm } clocks, 1,4-Bis((2-hydroxy-ethyl)amino)-9,10-anthracenedione } bis(2-propenoic)ester copolymers, hydroxyethyl methacrylate, vinyl } alcohol/methyl methacrylate-dye reaction products, acrylamide, love, } sweet love, KAVA, hydrocodone w/APAP, alprazolam, triamterine/HCTZ, } some bad vibes that are just making me freak out, man, glucophage, } rantidine HCI, metaprolol tartrate and milk. } } And here I bet you thought it didn't have any milk in it at all, huh? } } You owe the Oracle a new spellchecker--I burned mine out on this } answer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle who is really smart. > > How many vacation days does Bush get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strangely enough, the more important you are, the less vital } it is that you actually be in the office.  Let us examine the } relationship between status and necessity... } } MAILBOY:  Has to be on the ball every minute of every day or } the whole firm will shut down due to lack of mail. } Status:  Nil. } Necessity:  Supreme. } } CLERK:  Has to come in to work every day.  Without him, numbers } are wrong, and at each level above him (and there are many) the } errors will multiply. } Status:  Minimal } Necessity:  Very high } } SUPERVISOR:  Comes in to work every day, but can shag off early } on a Thursday afternoon without much problem.  Is really only } needed weekly to check CLERK's work. } Status:  Marginal } Necessity:  High } } MANAGER:  Comes in to work nearly every day, but spends most of } the time canoodling with secretary (equiv. to STOCKBOY).  Only } function is to be fired when a sacrificial goat is necessary, } without disturbing the people who actually work. } Status:  High } Necessity:  Marginal } } VP:  May or may not come in to work.  Will not be missed.  Only } function is to tell CEO what MANAGER is up to, and to be fired } when accounting irregularities arise, but CEO is saving MANAGER's } firing for another scandal. } Status:  Very high } Necessity: Minimal } } CEO:  Usually doesn't come in to work.  Usually out at trade shows } or "high-level negotiations" at the golf course.  Primary function } is to be the public face of the company, but is usually old, bald, } fat, and unpleasant; you do the math. } Status:  Supreme } Necessity:  Nil } } PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:  Leader of the free } world.  Problem is, it's the (ahem) *FREE* world, which does best } when left alone and not bothered.  Every day PRESIDENT comes in } to the office, the free world is interfered with, so negative } progress is made.  Experts pray for PRESIDENT to take more } vacations. } Status:  Awe-inspiring } Necessity:  Negative } } So, the answer to your question about how many vacation days } President Bush gets: }     NOT ENOUGH } } You owe the Oracle five (5) paid days off.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when men and women double date, and when nature calls, > guys can go do their business in about 2 minutes, but women seem to > have to travel to the bathroom in pairs, and seem to take the longest > time doing their business?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even the all-knowing Oracle doesn't know how to break this } to you nicely so he'll just blurt it out... they're in } the bathroom talking about you two guys. <sigh> Let's } listen in: } } Gal #1: OhMYGAWD! Then when they both started doing that }         trapped in a glass box thing when the maitre de }         asked if we had reservations I about died! } } Gal #2: Don't I know it! What were we thinking going out }         with a pair of MIMEs?! } } Gal #1: And then, and then. We sat down to eat and your }         guy draped a napkin over his arm and started to }         go from table to table pretending to re-fill }         people's glasses from that imaginary pitcher!! } } Gal #2: I have never been so embarrassed in my life! }         And then that guy you're with started following }         the bus boy around 'pulling' flowers out from }         behind the poor guy's ear, smelling them, and }         giving them to the waitresses! } } Together: AND THEN! } } Gal #1: My guy sits down to pretend eat a plate of }         spaghetti with an exaggerated face puckered }         inhalation gesture that... We gotta get out }         of this now before I go insane. I'll tell }         them I got cramps. } } Gal #2: No. Don't -tell- them. Go out there holding }         your belly with one hand and looking pained, }         while with the other hand you're dragging a finger }         down from your eye over your cheeks to simulate }         tears and I'll stand there with my palms to each }         side of my face rocking back and forth in a display }         of empathetic dismay. } } [ pause ] } } Together: NO! } } Gal #1: They'd like that. } } Gal #2: Fall in love with us, put their hands under }         their shirts and start the phony super hard }         beating heart routine...Do you think we can }         crawl out that window over there? } } Gal #1: Only one way to find out...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since even the remote words of the Oracle from times long gone > deserve praise, much more worthy of praise is what he says of > late, for The Oracle has added to the Earth's inheritance of > knowledge and gave us the empire of technology which we now > possess, and The Oracle spared no pains to be able to leave us > these acquisitions that so aid the present generation. Praise > the Oracle one and all! > > Is having a peg leg as bad as it sounds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, supplicant, I must congratulate you on such a lengthy (and } accurate) grovel. That said, having a peg leg isn't as bad as one might } think. For example, it allows its wearer to stumble around drunkenly } and yell things like "Arr! Guard the dubloons and draw yer cutlasses! } There be trouble on the breeze!" Besides, its applications in the } bedroom are prodigious... } } You owe the Oracle a sheet of sandpaper.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The answer is, "Hank Sherman was killed by a small kitchen magnet." > > What is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What did I just tell the Oracle the answer was?"

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If we could communicate with snarling ghosts, I'm sure they would > tell us that victorious yet dangerous clowns make good role models > for sparkling magicians. And if we could communicate with all the > gods at once they would tell us to listen to the Oracle! For the > Oracle is wise! > > Are there ghosts of dead computers? I swear that every now and > then I SEE my old 286 where used to sit... then it's gone!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just as computer monitors tend to 'burn-in' an image they display too } much, so do computer nerds visual cortexes 'burn-in' a figure they've } perceived too much.  Here's my prescription: } }  - You need to install a Cortexsaver; something that will expose your }    brain to a variety of images and visual concepts.  In mundane }    parlance, they're called 'galleries' and 'museums'. }  - CRTs are better off displaying some bright on a dark background; }    conversely, your vizcortex is better off perceiving some dark in a }    light background.  There's a great full-GUI for your meatware called }    "Outside" that can really help with this.  I recommend you get }    "Outside" soon, and use it often. } } You owe the Oracle a blue pill.  Wait, red.  No, hang on... forget it. } Just mash 'em together and give me the resulting magenta pill.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, powerful, superlative Oracle, tell me: > > How much is too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The rule of thumb is if someone can tell from across } the room that you're wearing make-up it's too much, } however in your case you're going to need a lot to } cover the beard...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imposingly wise Oracle, > > What was I before I lived in France?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez, Nostradamus, this is your first question on the } past, well here's your answer: } }  The Twin Brothers at 45 degrees with Hister }  and Mars reigning supreme on the land of Aquila }  where Nine have been sent away with hungry beasts }  and an iron cage holding the great swarm of bees. } } which of course can be interpreted as: } }   trick question! there was no "you" at all before }   you lived in France. } } You owe the Oracle a century.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Explosive is the Wrath of the Oracle, though he can be a blast > at parties, for the Oracle tolerates fools not, which means he is > pretty much irked by everything we humans do and say. Please share > some sound bytes of wisdom with me Divine One; > > Where do gods go for vacation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've heard of the bronzed Adonis' on the beaches of Florida? } } They actually ARE Adonis.