Goto:

1281, 1281-01, 1281-02, 1281-03, 1281-04, 1281-05, 1281-06, 1281-07, 1281-08, 1281-09, 1281-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and bipedal Oracle, who can make even the finickiest gas grill > stay lit, > > Can I pet your hamster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the Final Jeopardy Answer is: } } "Bad pickup lines at a furry convention".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Exalted Oracle who sees and knows all and has enough common > decency to keep his mouth closed while eating, > > Who invented the smiley? Is he dead yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alfred E. Qwerty, discoverer of the keyboard, was the } official inventor of the smiley, way back in early } typewriter days.  The original keyboard was designed, } by the way, not to slow down typists who were too fast } for early typewriters, but instead in honour of Qwerty } himself, for his other discovery, the Poiuyt, which } was initially regarded as unfit for polite company } until it appeared in William Gaines's magazine, MAD, } in the late 1950's. } } Qwerty died on Madison Avenue, NY, in 1954, at the age } of 112, as a result of being stabbed with his own Poiuyt } while attempting to gain entrance to the MAD offices. } The police were unable to solve the case, owing to } the transcendimensional nature of the Poiuyt.  His } murderer remains at large.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who is wiser than anything. > > How much money do I need to buy this new house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: It says right here on the deed, One House 10 zorkmids, }        a hotel is 25 zorkmids. } } Supplicant: This is fun! } } Voice Over: You too can have fun playing, Oracle-opoly! The }             great new board game by Farker Brotherz! } } [ Wide angle shot of the Oracle, Lisa, Zadoc & a supplicant, }   that through the wonders of modern technology looks just }   like you, playing Oracle-opoly. ] } } Zadoc: Oh no! I landed on W..dch..k Place. } } Orrie: Sorry! } } [ Zadoc gets zotted across the room. ] } } Lisa: I have a Queue-community Chest... } } [ Oracle grins wildly. ] } } Lisa: ...card, let's see what it says! Oh joy! I move }       to Ogwa Gardens! No one owns it! I'm buying it! } } Voice Over: Race around the board earning zorkmids by }             correctly answering a question when you }             pass the tellme square... } } Supplicant: I earn 200 zorkmids... } } Orrie: Not so fast little buddy. First answer this: } }        How are The Baltimore Ravens like a writing }        desk? } } Supplicant: Neither one can stop The Minnesota Vikings' }             passing game? } } [ A long pauses as they all wait for the Laugh-O-Meter }   to ponder the answer, in this case, it emits a polite }   guffaw. ] } } Orrie: Sorry, all you get is 37 zorkmids for that one. } } Supplicant: Oh well! I'm still having fun! } } Voice Over: You will too! Order now, Order often. Trained }             simians are standing by. Send in your order }             to:         oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } [ Zadoc drags himself, burnt and bedraggled, back up to }   the table just in time to roll the dice for his turn. ] } } Zadoc: Oh no! I have to go to Lemur Prison! And I don't }        have a "Get out of Joel" card! } } [ All laugh. Fade to black. ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most suitable Oracle, who can tie in any reference to any other > fact yet has never had his shoelaces tied to a chair by gnomes, > please answer my question, if you would please, > > Why do people need names since so few of them look alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } 17 DEAD IN FUN-RUN DEBACLE } By: That reporter with the Big Hair } } Yesterday's annual charity marathon in aid of Impoverished Priests was } transformed into a terrifying exhibition of pain and violence, shocking } spectators and participants alike. } } Some guy with blond hair and a moustache (23), gave us this eye-witness } account: } } "It was shaping up to be a pretty good day - the sun was shining, } everyone was happy to be doing something for the community - spirits } were high, you know? } I was stood on the walkway across the road with two of my buddies - } that short, fat balding guy, and the one we all suspect of being gay, } watching the whole thing - the starter's pistol fired, and everyone } took off - 2,000 people chatting, laughing, enjoying the experience... } and that's when it happened. } } There was some kind of disturbance in the crowd - a mugging, } bag-snatching - we're not quite sure, and someone ran off towards the } town square... The shout went up; "Hey you! Stop right there!" } } My god, it was horrible - 2,000 people all turning round at once, some } in rabbit costumes, some in wheelchairs, some pushing their friends } along in hospital beds... I'd say the whole incident took less than 2 } minutes, and by the time it was all over, the road just looked like a } butcher's window. One big mass of writhing limbs, and the screams... oh } dear lord, the screams. I won't be sleeping for a long time." } } The mayor, fat corrupt guy who likes hookers, had this to say: "This is } a sad day for our once-great town - the memories of that guy, the other } guy, and that annoying one no-one likes - not to mention creepy } glass-eye dude, will live long in our memories." } ----------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a name-tag with "HI! My name is BOB" written on it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't get it.  My [Theocratically condemned] old man put one of those > [engaging in sexual intercourse] internet filters on my computer.  If I > visit a site with any [English cigarettes] or [women in comfortable > shoes], the filter sends me to a Bible-thumping site denouncing [odd > people].  If I get a picture with a [small kitten] on it, it covers it > up.  [Son of God!], I can't even view a set of [mammary glands] without > the software [urinating] me off!  I tried to disable the piece of > [excrement], but I can't get the password.  PLEASE!  Tell me the > password before my old man forces me to go back to [polluting myself] > to a cheap [pictures of mommies and daddies who love each other] mag!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, most males have long since moved out of their parent's } house when they're 32 Al, you might want to give it some thought. } } You owe the Oracle the collected works of Philip K. [male organ].

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can Christopher Walken possibly be more creepy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. He could strap horns to his head, paint his face with virgin's } blood, drape himself in rotting guts and hang around in the shadows } making hoarse, bubbling noises and screaming incoherently. } } You owe the Oracle a way to get rid of this image.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most dazzlingly disturbing, > > This has been bothering me: over the last several hours I have sent a > smattering of queries your way.  Each time, I am immedeately answered > by 'The Oracle is pondering your question'.  Now, that's fine, I > understood that as an acknowledgement my question had been properly > received but that there were no other questions that needed answering. > To my surprise, however, my missives are answered within a brief period > of time, which suggests that there are others asking questions and > receiving mine to answer.  So the problem is, if these people are > asking questions and dutifully answering mine, why am I not getting any > of -their- questions to answer personally? > > Hey, maybe even one of you high priests could help me mout on this one! > > Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would like to address your last request first. The } priests steadfastly refuse to help anyone 'mout', and who can } blame them? The Oracle hopes you understand, it's just the way } things are now a days. } } As for your question as to the queue. it works on a process } known as FIFOUSEH (first in first out unless something } else happens). Here's a chart to help clear this all up: } }  v----------------------------------------------------------< }  |+-----------------+      +--------+     +----------+      | }  || Is mail tellme  |----->| tellme |-+-->| question |      | }  || or an askme?    |      +--------+ |   | to queue |      | }  |+-------v---------+                 |   | Scanned  |      | }  |        |        +---------+        |   | for the  |      | }  |        +------->|  askme  |        |   | string   |      | }  |                 +-----v---+        |   |w..dch..k |      | }  |                       |<-----------<   +----------+      | }  |  +----------------+   |   +---------------------------+  | }  |  | Questions exist| <-+-> | Other questions exist NOT |  | }  |  | but from Sender|   |   | from current Sender       |  | }  |  +-------v--------+   |   +------------v--------------+  | }  |          |            |                |                 | }  |  +-------v--------+   |   +------------v----------------+| }  |  | send pondering |   |   | count w..dch..k questions   || }  >- > your Q email   |   |   | sent in over last 60 minutes|| }     +----------------+   |   +-v-----------v----------v----+| }     +----------------+   |     |           |          |     | }     | No questions   |<--+  +--v--+     +--v--+    +--v--+  | }     | at all in queue|      |"<5" |     | 5 to|    |"10>"|--^ }     +-------v--------+      +--v--+     | 10  |    +-----+ }             |                  |        +--v--+ }             |                  |           | }     +-------v--------+   +-----v--------+  +------------------+ }     | start "navel   |   | send oldest Q|  | IF 5 to 7 then   | }     | stare" routine |   | in queue to  |  | w..dch..k Q to   | }     | to ponder how a|   | the sender   |  | the sender       | }     | question could |   +--------------+  | IF 8 then send   | }     | arrive and be  |                     | out newest Q     | }     | part of no Q   |                     | IF 9 send old    | }     | queue???????[0]|                     | Q from digests   | }     +----------------+                     | IF 10 send out a | }                                            | null question    | }                                            +------------------+ } }   [0] "navel stare" subroutine causes loop of a "What is life?" }        and Steve Wright jokes to be mailed to The Oracle once }        each 752 seconds unless it is a full moon in Finland or }        a Thursday in Tonga, in which case the Lewis Carroll }        riddle is substituted. This will go on until a question }        NOT send out as part of this subroutine is detected. } } You owe the Oracle some lint.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Every day your answers get better and my grovels get worse.  This > time I tripped on my nose as I tried to fling bouquets of turnips > into your window to show my respect for your intellect.  I guess I > was lacking in perspective again. > > Please tell me about the elephants.  I need to know about the three > types, I think they are the African, the Indian and the Swedish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The gradually inverse relationship of grovel quality to answer quality } is a part of the universe known as Oracular Entropy and is not under } your control.  It always was, is, and will be, so do not fret. } } When you see an elephant, you can easily identify it by the process of } elimination: } Does it have short, stiff hairs covering most of it's body? } If so, then it is an Indian Elephant. } If not, does it have large ear in proportion ot its head? } If so, then it is an African Elephant. } If not, is it large, red, sweet, and edible? } If so, than it is a very tasty Swedish Elephant.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, who knows all languages. > > Studying the arcane writings of "h4x0r" types I have seen reference to > the 1337 madskillz. Precisely how many saneskillz are there, and is > there an imbalance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is hesitant to list all known saneskillz as they } are mind numbingly boring; Check Book Balancing, Able to } Eat with Elbows off the Table, Doesn't get Angry at Puppies } that Piddle... see? Yawn-O-matic. } } Whereas `133t madskillz like BFG-hopping, IP Spoofing by hand } on the fly, and kernel hacking with cat are intriguing in } the extreme. } } Saneskillz are far more common, but, like who cares? By } definition elite skills have to be uncommon, not mundane. } } You owe the Oracle a wall-hack that works on pure servers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When you are pondering my questions, what are you REALLY thinking > about that makes you take so long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        Tired of waiting for answers? } }        Wait no more with Jiffy-Queue! } } [ Zadoc bounds into the kitchen. In his hand is what }   looks like a frying pan, the top of which is covered }   with foil. Zadoc turns on a burner and slaps the }   pan down on the heat. ] } } Zadoc: I want my answer right now! } } [ The pan makes some popping sounds, the foil expands. }   Zadoc pokes the foil with a fork and out pops an answer }   on a cloud of hot air. ] } } Zadoc: Oh look! An answer, it reads "Yes No HELL!". }        Wow, that was fast! I'm going to try another! } } [ Zadoc slaps another pan contraption on the burner. ] } }    With Jiffy-Queue you get the same speedy service }    and quality product you've learned to love at }    drive thru restaurants! Why wait when you can }    Jiffy-Queue? } } Zadoc: Oh look! It says, "Reply hazy, try again", }        this is fun! } }     And coming soon: Micro-Queue! Questions answered }     before you finish typing them! All the convenience }     of a plate of rapidly defrosted noodles with none }     of the artificial flavor or coloring additives! } } Zadoc: I'll never have to wait for wisdom again! }        Thank you Jiffy- Queue and soon to be }        released Micro-Queue!