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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! > Noooooooooooooooooo! > Stop. . .! > Don't do it! There will be consequences. . . > ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle always hated having to cut Zadoc's hair.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  what's new pussy cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see: } } -- Feline Patch 2002.c now available. }    Update your Pussy Cat Now. } } New Features: } }    * Adds 'Al Qaeda Terrorist' to list of potential }      threats to your home and family that your cat }      will ignore } }    * Sun-spot detection capacity added, now your }      cat will express mild discontent if patch of }      sun it's laying in is not sourced from an }      unblemished solar disk } }    * Fixed Litter Bug that caused indoor cats to }      sometimes track litter into rooms that people }      rarely if ever enter, overlooking high traffic }      areas } }    * Nile Virus detection capacity. Cat will be able }      to tell if half-eaten bird it has dragged into }      your home has Nile Virus or not } }    * Queen Beruthiel detection unit added. Your JRR }      Tolkien fan friends will freak out when your }      cat's ears perk up and it stares in a stunned }      rapt manner at anyone that mentions the Queen }      of Middle Earth Catty-ness, Beruthiel. (Unit }      not compatible with white cats with blue eyes.) } }    * Increased tolerance to allowing extraction of }      consumed yarn by time honored "Pull" method. }   --------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a cat from Japan.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh immaculate Oracle whose room is always tidy enough to keep his > mother happy, > > My mother wants to know: How come I spent all that time cleaning up, > and my room *still* looks like a hurricane hit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exactly what results are you trying to achieve?  Do you want to know } what to tell your mother, or would you really like a better way to } clean your room that doesn't take a week to do it? } } OK, Here are a number of things to tell your mom when she wants to } know why your room isn't clean yet. } } 10) I had homework too, you don't want me to flunk out of that } expensive school you are sending me to, do you? } } 9)  I was trying to find some clean work clothes in all the piles, } so I would have something to wear to work in, did you want me to ruin } the expensive pants you just bought me? } } 8)  It's hard to work wearing these expensive pants you bought me, } the crotch hangs around my knees and I can't run everywhere to put } things away without tripping. } } 7)  Dad had me mow the lawns, weed the garden, and clean the garage } first, the room is next on my list. } } 6)  I had it all cleaned, I left the room for only a minute and my } little brother must have come in here and played with everything. } } 5)  I had it all cleaned, I left the room for only a minute and } demons must have come in here and dumped everything.  Call Buffy the } Vampire Slayer! We have a problem on our hands! } } 4)  I had it all cleaned, I left the room for only a minute and the } dog must have come in here and pulled everything out on the floor! } I told you we need a kennel! } } 3)  But, Mom I did clean it, do you believe in Poltergeists? } Call Ghost Busters! We have a probllem on our hands! } } 2)  I found a rare protected species of fungi living in the clothes } hamper and the EPA won't let me disturb anything. } } 1)  I did clean it, then that hurricane the National Weather Service } has been warning about blew in, blew it all over, and then blew } back out.  I guess I should have closed the window, but you told me } it was smelling like dirty gym socks in here. } } (Of course, you could always turn off the X-Box, the TV, and the } computer and actually do something during the 6 hours you spent in } your room when you were supposed to be cleaning.) } } You owe the Oracle something that I can tell Lisa when she wants to } know why my office is a cluttered mess because I've actually been } answering Oracle questions all day instead of working.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most frabjulent, whose squaminosity allows hir to > use preamish words like "lipherous", > > How in the heck will I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain > no more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  -o0o- Ten Other Problems Unique to Giraffes -o0o- } } 10) Impossible to find hats that look good on one's ossicones. } } 09) Fear of being mistaken for ripening banana by King Kong } } 08) One minute sleep cycle results in dreams that }     have no more plot development than a commercial } } 07) Constant butt of "Deep Throat" jokes } } 06) Takes week to swallow one's pride, no, I am not lion } } 05) NBA never returns your calls } } 04) 18 inch long prehensile purple tongue no good }     for females as males decidedly unimaginative } } 03) City's lack of planning when deciding on minimum }     overpass heights causes you to get blamed for 5pm giraffic jams } } 02) It's very hard to find monitor cables over 18 feet long } } 01) Every Christmas same two gifts: Ties and Scarfs } }                      -o0o- } } You owe the Oracle a ripe banana.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most empty, > why do some of your Incarnations feel the need to drain the Oracular > queue of questions (and, I might add, not provide humorous answers to > them)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Sadly, the only requirements to be an Incarnation are that one } 1. Has an e-mail address and 2. Can send an e-mail to } oracle@cs.indiana.edu with 'ask me' or 'tell me' in the subject. } }    Do you remember that Far Side cartoon? The one where god has the } world in front of him and a bunch of shakers with various kinds } of people in them, and he's thinking .oO( And just to make it } interesting... ) while sprinkling on some jerks? } }    Those Incarnations feel this need because they are jerks. } }    It is unfortunate that even jerks meet the requirements to be } Incarnations. Perhaps some day the queue software will be modified } to prevent jerks from being allowed to be Incarnations. } }    I wish you the best of luck in contacting non-jerk Incarnations. } I know it can get discouraging, but try not to lose hope. } }    Here's something you can do to felp you feel better: } When you're an Incarnation and you get a question from a jerk } Supplicant, show them that you can come up with something witty, } funny, and intelligent in spite of them. } } Best of luck with your subsequent experiences with the Oracle! } } You don't owe the Oracle anything.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thank you, wise one, for reading even this far into my humble > query. You are wise! I am but a sack of flesh and bones, finite > and doomed even though I have a nice car, > > Governments have killed far more people than criminals, so why > do governments get to make the rules?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle pounds his ham-like fist on the surface of his highly } polished antique desk. } } "Two legal questions in one day!", he mutters. } } Leaning back in his leather-upholstered chair, he rubs two of his eyes } in a resigned sort of way, then surveys his richly appointed office. } } "I think I need the lawyer again", he says. } } Out of the silent yet blinding flash in the middle of his office, a } naked, highly surprised figure appears, seated upon a toilet.  It's } James McFerrin Farnsworth, III, Esq. Constitutional Lawyer. } } "Yo, Mac, how they hangin'?" quoth the Oracle. } } Mac: "Good morning Mr. Oracle.  Damn it, didn't we discuss this } unannounced meeting problem earlier today?". } } Orrie: "Sorry, Mac, I'll try to do better next time.  Read this. } Being omniscient, I know what the answer is, and you being my lawyer } should of course speak in my behalf, due to liability issues, so can } you please answer this for my gentle supplicant?" } } Farnsworth shifts uncomfortably on the toilet. } } FLASH! } } The toilet vanishes and there stands Farnsworth, elegantly attired as } always. A faint odor of expensive aftershave surrounds him. } } Mac: "Thanks, Mr. Oracle". } } Farnsworth takes the single crisp sheet proferred by the Oracle and } begins to read. } } Mac: "Damn, This is going to take some work" } } The Oracle grins widely, not a pretty sight. } } Orrie:  "I know you can handle it, Mac". } } A comfortable arm-chair appears.  Farnsworth sinks gratefully into it } and strokes his smoothly barbered chin. } } Mac:  "Let us consider the statement of the supplicant - he/she/it } implies that those who kill or commit crime are not competent to make } "the rules", whatever they are". } } He continues: "On the other hand, the supplicant may feel that those } who do neither are more than qualified to make those rules, right Mr. } Oracle" } } Orrie:  "I don't think our gentle supplicant has put that much thought } into the matter, Mac" } } Mac:  "In reality, this has nothing to do with qualifications.  Any } student of politics knows that qualifications and moral backbone are } the two least-necessary requirements for any person to be part of a } government" } } The Oracle rolls several eyes. } } Mac: "But like I said, this has nothing to do with it." } } The Oracle rolls several other eyes and emits a high, keening globber. } } Mac:  "The reality is that they get to make the rules because WE LET } THEM!" } } Mac continues:  "Furthermore, we then vote in any fool with a nice } suit and handsome gray hair because of his stunning financial success } running his used-car dealership, rather than because of any inherent } leadership qualities". } } Mac:  "As you know, Oracle, it doesn't have to be this way.  Your } supplicant should take a look at Switzerland.  In Switzerland, the } people vote on more or less everything of importance and "make the } rules", not a bunch of low-grade, redneck, high-bid, trailer-trash, } tornado-bait used car salesmen.  We get what we ask for." } } The Oracle grins widely, not a pretty sight. } } Orrie:  "Very good, Mac.  My thoughts exactly!" } } You owe the Oracle a Swiss residence permit.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-knowing and furlonging Oracle, I bend to grovel before you. > I bury my knee at Wounded Heart in your honour.  I spill the > beans before I eat, in order to fart more gently in your highly > qualified direction. > > Once again I'm befuddled by nautical terms.  Furlong, for example, > or Two Pints Abaft the Beam's.  What are they supposed to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Microbewery Beer Brands as in: } } "I'll have a pint of Athwart Hawse and a pitcher of Futtock-Shrouds } with me friends..." } } You owe the Oracle a keg of Monkey-Sparred Nippers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Is the day of the cowboy over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure is. Here's a quick recap. } } 4:00am...The cock crows. The rooster does too. } 4:01am...The rooster lies dead next to a wooden fence. Autopsy reports } would later show the rooster to have passed away after taking one too } many large rocks to the head if one had actually been performed. } 4:38am...The cowboy rises to greet the new day. The cowboy bumps his } knee on a chair on his way to the bathroom. While his day has begun, } the sun's day has not. He curses at the chair and calls the sleeping } sun a [expletive deleted] slacker. } 4:39am...Shower...Shave...Pluck eyebrows...Brush and floss... } 5:04am...Use toilet...Read morning paper focusing mainly on the } Business and Entertainment sections... } 5:44am...Wash hands thoroughly. } 5:45am...Breakfast of Special K, orange juice and a bagel with fat free } cream cheese. } 6:30am...Off to the stables to prepare his trusty steed Buttercup. } 6:35am...Buttercup enjoys a hearty meal of hay and oats. The cowboy } brushes out a little caked on mud and says positive things to Buttercup } as she eats her breakfast. "You," he says, "are a winner. You will do } great things today. You will be the best horse you can be." } 6:55am...As the cowboy is about to board a now-geared-up Buttercup, the } horse begins to feel a bit queasy and expunged the recently-consumed } breakfast onto the cowboy's brand-new $300 boots. Frustrated, he } returns the horse to the stable where it may recover. He then returns } to the ranch house to clean off his boots. } 7:15am...Luckily, the cowboy has backup transportation for those days } when Buttercup isn't feeling up to par. So it's off to the field to } round the cattle up for their morning feeding on his bright red Vespa. } 8:45am...The cattle having been rounded up, and feeding begun, the } cowboy relaxes. Where he would once smoke a carton of Marlboros a day, } he now relaxes with a bag of lollipops and a nicotine patch. } 9:00am...The cowboy's neighbor stops by to say that there's a problem } at his ranch. Seems he's been boonswoggled by rustlers. The cowboy tells } the neighbor that he'll be right over once his herd's back in the field. } 10:00am...At the neighbor's place, the cowboy learns that three cattle } have "gone missing." The neighbor on his horse, Rainbow, and the cowboy } on his red Vespa, head out to the neighbor's field to look for clues. } 10:45am...The cowboy discovers the mutilated corpse of one of the } neighbor's prize Holsteins. "Aliens!" he exclaims. } 11:15am...The cowboy has returned to the ranch house for a little lunch } and to compose some letters he's been meaning to write. } 11:20am..."Dear Oprah Winfrey..." } 11:40am...A hearty lunch of barley soup, strawberry yogurt, and a sprig } of celery. } 12:20pm...The cowboy loads up a few supplies on the Vespa and is off to } check the fences on the perimeter of his field. } 4:45pm...Back from mending fences, he brings the cattle in for the } evening feeding. He notices a rather odd looking cow trying to enter } with the herd and keeps an eye on it. At an opportune time, he } surprises the cow to find that it is not, in fact, a cow, but rather } two aliens from the star cluster known as the Pleiades covered by a cow } hide. He notices the brand is actually that of his neighbors. } 5:05pm...The sheriff arrives to take the two aliens in for cattle } rustling. After two weeks in the jail, an alien lawyer will arrive from } their home planet and unsuccessfully plead their case. They will remain } in a state prison for no less than fifteen years, during which time } they will be subjected to quite a lot of "anal probes," if you know } what I mean. } 5:15pm...The cowboy returns to the ranch house to start cooking his } dinner for the evening. } 6:08pm...Rooster Stew is served. } 6:30pm...He lets the cattle back out into the field for the night and } heads in to clean himself up. } 8:00pm...He arrives at The Blue Shadow decked out in his best duds and } $200 cologne. He's excited because tonight's the night he'll be reading } a poem he wrote that week entitled "Love's Fury." Women's breasts heave } during his recitation and, afterward, he receives numerous offers of } mud baths and aromatherapy sessions. } 10:00pm...The day of the cowboy is over and he crawls happily between } his smooth silk sheets after soaking for thirty minutes in a nice, } hot tub surrounded by an array of scent-astic candles and potpourri. } Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow night is Karaoke Night at the } Harmonic Holstein Pub and Restaurant. } } You owe the Oracle a shawl and a Zane Grey novel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scholarly & admirable Oracle who has no troubling past to wrestle > with. Wise Oracle there is but one petition that I ask: that I would > be drenched with your knowledge. And there is one protection that I > desire: that I not stumble when I dance The Dance of Wise Glee that > all perform when they read a personal well thought out answer from > ye! > > Why do TV news shows hire pretty, but stupid people to read the news > instead of geniuses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little known fact that The Americans With Disabilities Act } of 1990 requires television news broadcasters to hire as many as ten } perky, attractive on-air "personalities" for every serious journalist. } } But, you say, how can you claim that perky, attractive on-air } "personalities" are "disabled Americans"? } } Most Americans don't realize that all of these perky, attractive on-air } "personalities" have serious flaws that the Act allows as disabilities. } Most, you'd never know of since those features are typically obscured } by stage props or camera angles. } } Consider this: ET's Mary Hart's voice causes seizures in children; } Brooke Burke has six toes on each foot; and Nancy O'Dell has extremely } large kneecaps. } } And then, there's the case of Jillian Barbarie. Beautiful, but brash. } Her most recent foray has her bantering on some afternoon "news" show } on FOX. Her poor wit and sub-par comments satisfy the Disabilities } Act for FOX across the board, on all of its cable channels. } } You owe the Oracle new batteries for his remote control.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great Oracle!  We all bow before your superior wisdom. > >  I found the following poem scratched on a piece of wood just the >  other day: > >  A Woodchuck's Nauseous Nocturne > >  Another day deprived of lumber, >  Hours passing without number >  My eyes trace round the yard.  I lay > >  Dripping sweat and now quite certain >  That tonight the final curtain >  Drops upon my short life's precious play. > >  From the closet, by the heater >  Comes a noise like an anteater >  Makes: a madd'ning zot-zot-zotting sound. > >  It seems some ill-proportioned beast, >  Aniticipating me deceased, >  Is leaving traces of power on the ground. > >  Invis'ble rope, some wood to chuck >  Is all I'd need - but no such luck! >  No method of deterrence lies within my sight. > >  Ericius!  A shadow's creeping, >  Ominous and black, it's seeping >  Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light! > >  Suddenly a floorboard creak >  Announces the unchucking freak >  Is here to steal my future years away! > >  A 'lectric smell now fills the room >  Heralding my imm'nent doom! >  A staff gleams in the dark and murky gray! > >  Oh, log-long arms like tentacles! >  Holding a staff with pentacles! >  Mucus-oozing nose and toothful jaws! > >  Worse, in terms of outright evility, >  Is the grin to induce servility, >  Which proclaims quite loud that there will be no draws. > >  This disgusting abberation >  Of nature needs no motivation >  To zot quite helpless woodchucks while they sleep. > >  Relishing despairing cries, >  It fries us up and blinds our eyes, >  And then the remaining skeleton does keep! > >  The poem continues, but the rest is illegible.  What do you make of >  it? (And how did the woodchuck know the original poem?  Convergent >  evolution?)  (Oh, and for that matter, how does it continue?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a rodent who's sure all that glitters is wood } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot } } When he gets there he knows if this branch is closed } With a word he can check inventory in Cleveland } } Woe oh oh oh oh oh } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot... } } There's lumber piled in stacks, but he wants to be sure } Since you know sometimes wood has two meanings... } } As his cart rolls along, there's a checkout girl who rings } Up the contents of his dreams at a discount } } Woe oh oh oh oh oh } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot... } } There's a feeling he feels, when he gets these good deals } As his spirit is crying for cedar } } In his thoughts he has dreams, rings of years in the trees } Could give the shelter from those who would ZOT him... } } Woe oh oh oh oh oh } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot... } } Oh it's whispered that soon, we can all end this tune } If the typer will leave us our freedom } } But no! more verse comes on and we'll see who stands long } Or if the rainforest will exist hereafter } } Ooh, but they need the lumber... } } If there's Old Growth livin' down south } Just cut it down now } } It's just a life source for the species } } Yes there are two paths you can go by } but in the long run } } You'll be dead so who cares if the air is gone! } } Their wood is comin' from the Old Growth and they won't grow } A single seedling to replace them } } Dear Supplicant can't you hear the Depot, they are global } } Their stairway lies in the checkout line... } } And as they cut down all the Old } Their foresight smaller than their souls } } There chucks a rodent we all know } } Who has stock in home improvement and loves to show } } How everything that's wood is gold! } } And if you listen very hard } When all is wood and wood is all } } To flee the ZOT and steal the Old } } Woe oh oh oh oh oh } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot... } } There's a rodent who's sure all that glitters is wood } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot } } When he gets there he knows if this branch is closed } With a word he can check inventory in Cleveland } } And he's chucking a Stairway to Home Depot, uh uh uh... } ... } } Home Depot is one of the largest single retailers of old growth } rainforest wood and wood products on Earth. You owe the Oracle a } change.