Goto:

1293, 1293-01, 1293-02, 1293-03, 1293-04, 1293-05, 1293-06, 1293-07, 1293-08, 1293-09, 1293-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wealthy Oracle, > > Hello. I'm some guy from Nigeria who's trying to steal your money. I > mean I'm *not* trying to steal your money. Here's what happened: My dad > died and left me two trillion dollars. Sadly, I have to pay a fee to > withdraw it. Can I have your credit card number so I can use it to buy > illegal drugs... I mean withdraw my rightful inheritance? If I succeed, > I'll give you x% of the money, x being the number that gets spat out by > the random number generator I wrote*. Oh, and can you send me some > extra money too? > > * I'm still trying to get it to give me numbers other than 0, but it'll > work sometime in the near** future. > ** Near is defined kind of loosely here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll only help you if you send a million business cards to Craig } Shergold.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your Omnipotence, > > Does "omnipotent" really mean what the kid in the locker room told me > it does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid it doesn't, supplicant. The kid in the locker room was } putting you on. } } What "omnipotent" really means is, unable to participate in an } election. It is important to note, for those who may suffer from } omnipotence, that the condition can often be remedied by a good } philistine. If you are in fact omnipotent, I would advise you to seek } mendicant assistance. } } You owe the oracle a trip to Niagara.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, fountain of all human (and inhuman) > knowledge, ZOTer of all things ZOT-worthy, master of all things > obtuse, obscure, and funny, I humbly request that you ponder my case: > > Recently, my team won the regional ACM Programming Competition, > meaning we will be heading on to the International Championship in > March.  I had the high score in the 2002 Nethack tournament for around > a week, and my current character already has enough points to reclaim > that spot as soon as I ascend him. > > Am I beyond hope?  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose it depends on what you are hoping to attain. I will rephrase } your question and limit my response to it. } } "Am I beyond hope of being irredeemingly geeky?" } } No. I do not believe you are irredeemingly geeky. You are however, a } big geek. To prove the distinction, you should answer the following } questions: } } How much Quake/Diablo/etc games to you play a week? } } Have you hosted any LAN parties? } } Do you have an account at any geek product websites? } } What is your typical meal? } } Do you pop any zits just from smiling? } } Have you ever gotten laid? (No, your cousin and your sister or brother } don't count.) } } Have you ever seen the sunlight shining through fresh green leaves? } } Can you write poetry? (No, Haikus, limericks or anything about } computers don't count.) } } How many decimal places of Pi have you memorized? } } Have you ever been banned from a Usenet newsgroup? } } Has any law enforcement organization ever investigated you for a } computer-related offense? } } Have I proven my point? Of course I have. } } You owe me an algorithm that will solve the Neopets' Shapeshifter game } past level 30 in less than a day of processing.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you stay with door number 1, or will you switch to door number 2, > given that I've just shown you that behind door number 3 is a goat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle switchs to door number 3. } Who needs a car anyway? } Goats can produce milk, jumpers, manure and more goats. They can also } mow your lawn, scare intruders and carry your shopping. } When they die you can eat them and make their skin into a stylish coat } or rug. You can even use their horns to make traditional musical } instruments, weapons, drinking goblets or coat hooks. } } You owe the Oracle the car.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cripes!  This must be the worstest grovel I've ever > grovulated.  I caught my nose in the regurgitator! > > You would never do anything like that because you are > so smart.  Would you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hlnhd nnh nh mnht, shnpplncnt, plnse? } } <shouted off to side> } } Znndc! C'mmhr! Hnlp mnh gnht mnh nhs nhttnh hnr! } } <pause . . . > } Thanks, Zadoc. } } Ummm . . . no, supplicant. Never. Honest. } } You owe the Oracle a Breathe-Free(tm) strip.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > he whom my most sycophantic grovel could not do justice to, > pray tell me > > Where have all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The goat behind door #3 ate them.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is Kind to Teeth and Bones, > > Who first discovered that you could get milk from a refrigerator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} His name was Calvin Seomh. He was a skinny kid, who had always wanted } to be a cowboy when he grew up, until he discovered how heavily } subsidized dairy farmers are. He was, unfortunately, much too much of a } milksop to deal with something as messy as an actual cow. } } He spent most of his teen years researching the various places one } could get milk: cows, goats, magnesia, weeds, etc. (His mother had cut } him off years before.) It was lunchtime one day in the middle of summer } when the 1% of his genius that was inspiration struck: why did it have } to come from animals at all? } } Over the next decade he tried milking everything from government grants } to his own nerdiness. Whenever a new fad came out, there Cal would be, } milking it for all it was worth. Finally, the inevitable happened. } Distracted from yet another all-nighter looking for a way to milk human } kindness, he was getting breakfast, and instead of opening the } refrigerator, he grabbed it by the coils and squeezed. The rest is } history. } } You owe the Oracle some chocolate chip cookies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 0r4cl3 m0st l33t, > > Whr hv ll my vwls gn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whr hv ll th vwls gn, } Lng tm pssng. } Whr hv ll th vwls gn, } Lng tm g. } Whr hv ll th vwls gn, } Th l33ts hv l0t thm vry n. } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } } Whr hv ll th yng l33ts gn, } Lng tm pssng. } Whr hv ll th yng l33ts gn, } Lng tm g. } Whr hv ll th yng l33ts gn, } Thy'v strtd crckng, vry n. } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } } Whr hv ll th cr4x0rs gn, } Ln tm pssng. } Whr hv ll th cr4x0rs gn, } Lng tm g. } Whr hv ll th cr4x0rs gn, } Thy'r ll n tch spprt. } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } } Whr hv ll th tch-nrds gn, } Ln tm pssng. } Whr hv ll th tch-nrds gn, } Lng tm g. } Whr hv ll th tch-nrds gn, } Fxng kybrds vry n. } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } } Whr hv ll th kybrds gn, } Ln tm pssng. } Whr hv ll th kybrds gn, } Lng tm g. } Whr hv ll th kybrds gn, } Lst thr vwls vry n. } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } } Whr hv ll th vwls gn, } Lng tm pssng. } Whr hv ll th vwls gn, } Lng tm g. } Whr hv ll th vwls gn, } Th l33ts hv l0t thm vry n. } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } h, whn wll y vr lrn? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Vanna White issue of Playboy. } The Oracle hath lyricized.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'Ay, what's this 'ere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *No*, Mr. Van Gogh... better leave that one where it is. } } You owe the Oracle a hearing band-aid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Beatles : Yoko Ono:: The High Priests of the Oracle : ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You