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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Concern for the w0orld's  forces me to ask this question of you Most > Majestic and Anecdotal Oracle, > > Does Mars have a foreign policy? If so could you please outline it > to me briefly? > > I thank you profusely for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They do. Wear a hairnet near the chocolate containers. } } You owe the Oracle a better sense of humor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh great Oracle, master distiller, I beseech thee... > >  I've done it!  I've condensed *all* of the world's wisdom into three >  short parts!  Did I miss anything important? > >  1- Where have all the soldiers gone? >     They've gone to graveyards, every    one. >  2- In Flanders fields the poppies blow >     Between the crosses, row on row >  3- The United States Constitution prohibits the President from >     declaring war, no matter how badly Poppy screwed up. > >  Did I miss anything important?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 4. You no longer have the right to remain silent. } 5. You no longer have the right to an attorney. } 6. You may be tried before a secret tribunal. } 7. You are not allowed to know the evidence against you. } 8. You will be given a fair trial, followed by a military firing-squad. } 9. All of these measures are necessary to defend Freedom. } } You owe The Oracle a ticket to another universe, this one's not funny } any more.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I always unable to come up with any > questions worth of such an abstroose Oracle > as you always seem to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You simply haven't sustained the necessary head injuries required to } fully integrate yourself into the Oracular community.  If you want to } be a regular around here you'll have to commit yourself (ha, } unintentional joke there.) to a rigorous training program. } } Week 1 } Consume nothing but high sugar, high caffeine food items. The more } artificial colors and flavors the better. Watch cartoons 11 hours, sleep } 1 hour.  Play video games 11 hours, sleep 1 hour. Repeat. } } Week 2 } Maintain high levels of sugared and caffinated foods. You may add to } your diet anything that can be handed to you through your car window. } Alternate TV viewing between BBC and Star Trek reruns. } } Week 3 } Read. Read anything and everything you can get your hands on. Sci-Fi, } fantasy, romance, philosophy, religion, cereal boxes, sci-fi, old } computer manuals, whatever. You're building a base of knowledge so you } can pull an obscure reference from anywhere, about anything. } } Week 4 } Watch everything available in your local video store. Watch everything } available from you local comic book store. Watch every show that was } ever aired on MTV or VH1. } } Week 5 } Showtunes! Showtunes! Showtunes! Fortunately you only need to know } "Modern Major General" Hear it, learn it, love it.  By the end of the } week you should be able to sing the ingredient list for Twinkies } without missing a beat. } } Week 6 } Back to the old TV! A steady diet of TVland, PBS, and FOX should fill } in any gaps in your education. } } Week 7 } This is where the weak start to fall out. Start reading Usenet } archives. Do a google search for any reference to lemurs, woodchucks, } or krispy creame doughnuts. Skim through all of the alt.fan.* groups. } If you don't know who any of the groups' object of devotion  is, return } to week 1 and begin your training again. } } Week 8 } Have someone smack you in the head with a tire iron until you begin } spouting random Monty Python quotes. Continue until you think they are } all funny. } } This training program should leave you jittery, incoherent and } incapable of speaking more then two sentences without making some } sort of obscure in-joke.  Congratulations! You're now ready to join } the fun in RHOD!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, least forthcoming, > > What's in this "Grant's Tomb" you mentioned in a recent answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the brevity of you question, I can tell that you seem to be } confusing 'Grant's Tomb' with the 'Tomb of the Cybermen'.  A mistake } easily made, and therefore here is a list of the differences to help } you avoid this faux paus in future. } } Grant's Tomb              Tomb of the Cybermen } ============================================== } Is on Earth               Is on Telos } } Has Ulysses S. Grant      Has Cybermen buried there }   buried there } } 2nd largest mausoleum     Largest mausoleum on Telos }   in the western }   hemisphere of Earth } } Officially designated      Officially designated 'The Ice }   'General Grant             Tombs of Telos' }   National Memorial' } } It's not certain that     The TARDIS has certainly }   the TARDIS has ever        materialised there }   materialised there } } There is little risk      There is a high risk of }   of being attacked          being attacked by Cybermats }   by Cybermats } } You should print this out and keep it in your wallet as a handy } reference. } } You owe the Oracle a tourist map of Telos

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the Usenet Oracle, or just the Existential Blues?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Oooohhh yeah } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Whooooa child } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Woke up this mornin' } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  In search of the truth } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  And all I that I found } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Were subjective views } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Can't get myself } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  No moral absolute } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Cause all I found was } [Bum de bum de dum dum]  Existential Blues } } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Went to my man } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Soren Kierkegaard } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  And I said to him } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Philosophy's hard } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Bro, can't you tell me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  What's right and wrong? } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Just be objective } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  And sing along... I got the } [Bum de bum de dum dum]  Existential Blues } } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  I went to Nietzshe } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Asked what he thought } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  He done and told me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  There ain't no God } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  I said, you crazy? } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  What's wrong with you? } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  He looked at me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Said, I got 'em too... he had the } [Bum de dum de dum dum]  Existential Blues } } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  I went to Kafka } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  To see what he dug } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  But poor ol' Kafka } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Turned into a bug } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  They all tried to tell me } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Each got our own truth } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  Still tryin' to find mine } [Bum DAH dah da DUM]  So what can you do... but get the } [Bum de dum de dum dum]  Existential Blues... oh yeah } } You owe the Oracle a jam session with John Lee Hooker and Jean Paul } Sartre.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and magnificent Oracle, whose nose hair I am not worthy to > sweep from the barbershop floor... > > Am I deluding myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  You are actually in serious Deep Stuff, and } it's not all nose hair. } } Allow me to congratulate you, though, for correct } spelling--most supplicants would have said "who's } nose hair" and made other mistakes like "it's" for } "its" and "hi's" for "his". } } You owe the Oracle a bigger dustbin for his collection } of badly-used apostrophe's.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is most incredible even if not edible, please tell me: > > What is the best use for eggplant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first you need a chickenplant. Or is that the other } way around? Where is my cookbook?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fortunate Oracle, I am your stumblebum supplicate.  There is > nothing I can do that you can't do better.  Hey, you can even > grovel to yourself better than I can.  Whenever I try, I break > my legs or get zotted or something.  Watch: > >   Immense and Frivolous Oracle, I bow down to you and lick >   your silly toes, risking getting kicked in the face.  Ook! >   My dog smells better than that.  Anyway I guess I'll sing >   instead.  How about "Orrie Is Smarter Than Dubya And Not >   A Moron" to the tune of "A Boy Named Sue"??  On second >   thought, my throat feels scratchy and is getting sort of >   constricted.  Stop that, I can hardly breathe!  Lemme go! >   I promise I won't sing again. > > See what I mean?  I'm horrid at grovelling. > > What do you do when YOU grovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant... } } _I_ am the _Oracle_. } } I don't need to grovel to anyon... } } Oh, hello Lisa. I mean 'Mistress'. Of course I don't mean it! Please } forgive me...but Mistress - I have to send this _now_. Please? } } Ahem. No need at all. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of knee pads.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Incorruptible Oracle of whom legends are made and songs are written, > > Is the human thought process more like Windows or UNIX?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on the human in question. } } Albert Einstein: SuSE Linux. } } Lisa: Mac OS X. } } Shakespeare: BSD } } Leonardo da Vinci: System V } } Dan Quayle: Windows 95 } } You owe the Oracle a brain with a Neuron processor and 256 megs of } Reliable Long-term Memory.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I call this meeting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} , asked Apollo, looking down from the head of the table at his various } old associates, at least the ones who even bothered to show up.  "I } thought I might be able to do some good, but now I'm not so sure.  I } mean, look at yourselves.  You're pathetic." }       The Oracle glanced across the room and shared a look with Leto. }       "I'm nothing now," continued Apollo.  "I was a $600 Jeopardy } question the other day.  I shouldn't even be a $200 question!  I should } be a freakin' category!!  Where's the SUPPORT?  I MADE YOU PEOPLE!" }       Zeus raised his hand.  "Um...look, 'Lo.  I understand better than } anybody about getting into the passionate speech zone, but I've got to } point out that technically you didn't make me.  In fact, it was me, } Leto, Themis, and a jug or two of Ambrosia that made you.  Why, of all } the folks here, the only one you might have claim to creating would be } the Oracle, and he--" } }       "Oh, you want to talk about him, eh?" snapped Apollo.  "Well, } let's talk about him.  Pythia, or is it Orrie now?  I grant you } incredible powers of divination, and what do you do?  You abandon me! } You forget me!  You even make yourself a big Internet star!  You've } forgotten your roots!" Apollo yelled and yelled for quite a while, } until eventually the Oracle's calm stare got to him.  There were a few } moments of silence, and finally the Oracle spoke. }       "Apollo, you are weak.  Your powers of divination are nothing } compared to my own.  I do not need your help now, nor in truth did I } ever." }       There was a sudden streak of moment as Apollo leapt across the } table and pinned the Oracle's minute form against a wall.  "I dare you } to say that again, little man." }       "You are weak," quoth the Oracle.  "And I can prove it." }       The grip on the Oracle's neck tightened a little bit.  "Speak on, } traitor." }       "I will give you a supplication you cannot answer," said the } Oracle. }       "Ha!  Try me!  I am the god of divination!  I will put all of my } powers into answering your feeble question." }       The Oracle sighed sadly.  "Must it come to this, then, old } friend?" }       "Yes," fumed Apollo.  "After I answer your question, I shall } throw you into the sun.  You have betrayed me for the last time." }       "Not quite the last time, I'm afraid, old friend.  Here is my } question."   The Oracle leaned over to Apollo's ear and, with a tragic } tear, quietly began, "How much wood..." Apollo's smirk vanished. } "...could a woodchuck chuck..."  The Oracle fell to the floor as Apollo } backed up with his hands over his ears.  "...if a woodchuck..."  Beams } of light poored from Apollo.  "...could chuck..." Apollo was enfolded } completely in blinding radiance.  "......wood," finished the Oracle. } There was a faint scream and a flash and Apollo was gone. }       Quietly, the meeting was adjourned.