Goto:

1298, 1298-01, 1298-02, 1298-03, 1298-04, 1298-05, 1298-06, 1298-07, 1298-08, 1298-09, 1298-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii > > Everytime a frog croaks, is he dead? > > --------------------------------- > Do you Yahoo!? > Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now > --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii > > <BLOCKQUOTE>Everytime a frog croaks, is he dead?</BLOCKQUOTE> > <p><br><hr>Do you Yahoo!?<br> > <a href="http://xahoo.com/mail/mailsig/">Yahoo! Mail Plus</a> - > Powerful. Affordable. <a href="http://xahoo.com/mail/mailsig/"> > Sign up now</a> > --0-1070384773-1039408882=:80802--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an automated response from the Oracle's new RQBL system, the } Realtime Queue Blackhole List. } } We're sorry, but your request for the Wisdom of the Ages has been } rejected because: } } RQBL207: Content filtering detected the pattern **o* c***ks in the } message, possibly referring to a forbidden marmot. } RQBL415: MIME content was detected, and the Oracle is running low on } silencers. } RQBL001: Gallagheresque content was detected. } RQBL214: Your mandatory freemail signature was longer than the body of } your message. } RQBL666: No grovel was detected. } } Your address will be retained in the RQBL for a period of one year, } barring any further infringements against good taste and politeness. } If you have taken steps to rectify the problems referenced above, } please post a message to rec.humor.oracle.d listing this incident } number and the phrase "Daniel and his fish are welcome guests in } my house." This will give the regulars something to talk about. } } Please join us in making the Oracle a better service for everyone! } } The RQBL

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you want for [Chrismas/Hannuka/Kwanza/Solstice/whatever]?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Santa's not the only one who keeps a list, you know.  I remember all of } those things I've asked you for in the last year.  Now would be a great } time to pay up.  Let's see here... } } An upside-down octopus } 12 pints of Guinness } A picture } The videotape } One big dubya } A Babel Fish } A lantern (lit) } My underwear back } A photocopy of your face } A meerkat } The secret to the universe in your mind } 3 of them. } } FedEx would be best.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Deathless and venerable Oracle, > >  What is the age of reason?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, } } You'll find out when you're older. } } You owe the Oracle a Babe in the Woods.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Conspicuous Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On my first day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 2nd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 3rd day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 4th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 5th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 6th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 7th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 8th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two  queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 9th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two  queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 10th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Ten LotR film referAncings, } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two  queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 11th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Eleven Pilfered Routines, } Ten LotR film referAncings, } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two  queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } On my 12th day of Incarnating the queue it gave to me; } Twelve W..dch.ck Questions, } Eleven Pilfered Routines, } Ten LotR film referAncings, } Nine Lisa de-pantsings, } Eight injoke milkings, } Seven requests for Lotto numbers (winning), } Six Clease replayings, } Five moldy Puns, } Four letter words, } Three koans (zen), } two  queries 'bout love and } a questionless grovel as lonely as can be. } } You owe the Oracle a lot of birds and some frisky servants.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > when will I find a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you stop sending email with the subject 'tellme' and start } sending ones with the subject 'resume'.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle Most Wise, > >  It wasn't the Taliban, but George bombed Afghanistan. >  It wasn't Sadam, but George is going to bomb Iraq. > >  Please explain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an old American tradition.  Let's say you're jaywalking, and the } traffic is pretty weak so you figure you can get away with it, but lo } and behold, an express bus comes and bounces you back on the curb. } You're pretty hurt, and you don't have socialized medicine, so how do } you get the money to pay for the bills? }  a) sue the bus driver, since s/he was controlling the vehicle that }     hit you }  b) sue the bus company, since they have enough money to pay the bills }  c) nobody, since it was your own fault for jaywalking, or }  d) the city, for not preventing you from jaywalking nor the bus from }     hitting people. } } Sadly, most Americans would answer b.  Some would even answer d, and } would fight pretty hard, with a self-righteous platform about how the } city should take more responsibility for the safety of it's citizens. } Surprisingly few would answer a, either because b would be more } lucrative, or d would "help" the community. } } I'm sure you can see the analogy here.  Afghanistan is the bus driver } (which, to extend the metaphor, got his bus driving job because the } jaywalker is a buddy of his and pulled some strings), Iraq is like the } bus company (OPEC can pay plenty of hospital bills), and the United } Nations security council is the 'city,' who is getting so distracted } by these miscreant bus drivers that they're overlooking China parking } in handicaped spaces, North Korea running red lights and Rwanda's } poisoning of the school cafeteria. } } Convincing a group of Americans ("a person is smart, people are } dumb, panicky animals," said a certain Man In Black) to pick 'c' is } damn near impossible, especially when they see how other Americans, } usuallly their own parents, are prospering / have prospered from } the monies gained by options a or b (see also: America vs. Columbia, } America vs. Panama, America vs. Mexico, America vs. Canada, America vs. } Japan, America vs. aboriginies, America vs. local ecology, etc etc). } "So what if I knew my bus driving buddy was blind as a bat?  The bus } company should've detected that in the interview and kicked the bum } out before I got hit!  It's the company's fault -- I didn't intend to } get hit by a bus, I was just crossing the street... and they should've } put a crosswalk there anyways." } } Hey, it works.  Americans will prosper from executing these attacks } today.  When their children grow up, they'll learn from their parents } that jaywalking into traffic is how you make large gobs of money. } } You've got three options: }   - campaign against jaywalking.  Try to institute education programs }     so that people will know the dangers of jaywalking.  "The money you }     make from the lawsuit isn't worth it." }   - teach your own children, impress upon them that jaywalking is a }     bad idea. }   - propose at city hall that busses should have cowcatchers, so that }     nobody hit by a bus will survive the experience to go to court. } } I think North Korea is working on that last option.  I strongly } recommend you use one of the first two. } } You owe the Oracle a crash helmet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little to the left.... } } Down a bit .... } } There ! } } Yes, that's perfect! } } Ahhhhhhhhh } } You owe The Oracle a bamboo back-scratcher.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hurrah for the Oracle! He is wise and knows how to conjugate verbs in > Finnish. > > Should I put it in a plain brown paper bag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could, and that would look pretty inconspicuous for a while, but } then it would start to move and probably tear the bag, and then you've } got a big lizard running around and nothing to carry it in. A burlap } bag inside of a plain brown paper bag would probably work better. } } You owe the Oracle the address of your supermarket.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I stop the global milk conspiracy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my reptillian friend.  I knew you would turn to me with this } problem in the end. } } When the squeaky little things had fur instead of scales, I said } "King Lizard, you should devour them all now."  You blew it off, } saying "I'll take care of it later." } } When they started acting clever and colonized the seas and air, } I said "You really need to take care of this."  You said "Listen, } I'm on it, give me a break, I have to lie in the sun some more." } } When the upright less-furry ones discovered reliable contraception and } at the same time started exploding across the world at an unprecedented } rate, I told you "Hey...wakey wakey!"  And again, you ignored me. } } And NOW you're asking how to stop the global milk conspiracy? } } The only advice I can offer you at this point is to eat as many of } their babies as possible. } } You owe the oracle an atavism.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, who knows the network like the back of his hand, > >  What happens to all the lost packets? Will they ever find their way >  home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging--wait, sorry, } that's sheep. Well, gentle supplicant, let's fire up the network } monitor so you can see what's going on: } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o                       ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o                ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o      o         ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o      o      o  ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ } }       _______| |______| |______   ______ } source o      o      o      o  ...       destination }       -----------| |--------| |   ------ }                             ooo }                             ooo }                             --- }                              o }                             Bar } } They'll be home, but not until about 2. } } You owe the Oracle a virtual beer.