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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle > > Now that the The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is almost upon us, I > thought I'd ask about a few things that puzzle me. > > 1. Since the eagles appear at the most opportune times, why doesn't > Gandalf just summon one, have Frodo ride to the Cracks of Doom, and get > the movie over with in under an hour? > > 2. Since the Balrog has wings, can't he take off and fly when Gandalf > collapses the bridge under him? > > 3. Isn't having 9 male members and no female members of the fellowship > a bit sexist? > > 4. Is it just me, or is Galadrial a hottie? > > 5. How come people have such issues with Tom Bombadil being left out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Insignificant, Tiny and Irrelevant, yet boldly } curious Supplicant, } } It is interesting to note that you have been so } presumptuous as to ask not one question, as is all any } mere mortal is entitled to, but five questions. In } addition to the normal fee for services rendered, } there will be times that I shall call upon you } unexpectedly, and you will be required to assist. The } Oracle knows where you live. } } 1. There are times in everyone's lives where they have } bemoaned the action or lack of action they could have } performed in a particular incident; mortal's lives are } full of "what-ifs" and they spend a great deal of time } kicking themselves in the rear. Gandalf remembered the } eagles later. You should have SEEN him kick himself. } It was funny. } } 2. The Balrog has been trapped in the underworld for } many a century, and due to a combination of a lack of } challenging adventurers, an abundance of meals } delivered to the door and Foxtel, he is not the trim } and physically capable Balrog he once was. He has let } himself go. As awe-inspiring and visually aesthetic as } those wings are, muscular atrophy has left them limp } and useless. Pity not the Balrog, for he brought it } upon himself. Lifestyle diseases are preventable. } } 3. The first definition of "fellow" in the Webster } Comprehensive Dictionary is "A man; boy." So, no, it } is not sexist, it is common sense. Actually, they had } female members of the group before they decided to } call it a "fellowship", but they all went to the } bathhroom in a large group just before they were due } to set off, so they left without them. } } 4. Galadriel is, indeed, a hottie. However, dear } Supplicant, as close as she is to your thoughts, you } are a long, long way from hers. You may join the } proverbial queue. } } 5. The nature of Tom Bombadil in the book was } diverting, humourous, innocuous and, above all, } irrelevant to the outcome. You will find a parallel } between this and the nature of the people most } bothered by his absense. They are compelled to get } upset, because they are simply expressing their } greatest subconcious fear: That when the Oracles of } the Universe get together at the End of the World and } make the movie, their lives will be left on the } cutting room floor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most arcane and understanding Oracle, whose earwax I am not even > worthy to digest... > > What? You seem scared...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is not scared of anything. The Oracle is immortal, all- } powerful, and a snappy dresser. It's just that I have this tendency } to turn pale and fall into a deathly faint when I hear someone utter } the word "earwax" ... } }                               * * * } } That night, that dark and terrible night. Bringing to me horrors that } should not be spoken. It was a dreary evening, with swollen clouds } overhead threatening to hurl their icy arrows down into the gloom. } I sat in my study warming myself before the Oracular fire. The glow } of my terminal cast a feeble light around the room. The flickering } green glow revealed the cobwebs on Bosch paintings on my walls in a } strange new light. } } Just as I began to consider redecorating, a hideous, contorted face } appeared before me, and my nostrils filled with a rank and gruesome } stench. If only Zadoc would learn to knock first. } } "Master ... a supplicant ... " } } My high priest and head servant seemed different tonight, as if } weighed down by a great load. His shoulders were stooped, his head } bowed towards the ground as if drawn by fearsome gravity. } } "A supplicant? At this time of the night? But most of my supplicants } haven't even had breakfast yet. And they reach me through there..." } I gestured vaguely at the terminal. } } Zadoc shook his head grimly. "Not this one, Master. This one has a } problem ... a problem he says only *you* can help him with, in person." } } Reluctantly I followed Zadoc down the creaking stairs, into my } entrance hallwauy. The hallway was shrouded in gloom, but every now } and then lightning would flash nearby, illuminating the stained-glass } panel in my front door and casting vibrant, wrenching color into the } room. } } Another thumping knock sounded on the door, echoing the booming of } thunder far away, but drawing nearer, nearer. Zadoc swung the door } wide. And there in the doorway, framed in a momentary flash of } lightning, was my supplicant. } } A cave troll. With a hearing problem.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most SamWise, > > Why didn't Frodo just hitch a ride to Mount Doom on one of those giant > Eagles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemmie give you a few clues: }  - Eagles don't like people.  They don't like dwarves, because they're }    too crunchy.  They don't like elves, not enough meat.  They don't }    like men, men stink.  They don't like orcs, orcs taste bad.  They }    don't like goblins, goblins are too sinewy.  Eagles do like hobbits, }    but only with a holendaise sauce.  Eagles respect the ainur, but }    they aren't a taxi service even for the likes of Wizards. }  - Birds fly thru the air, and either flap their wings in ornithoper }    fashion, or use updrafts to gain altitude.  Volcanos produce updrafts }    from their heat.  Orodruin is no ordinary volcano, as Sauron's own }    power infused in it stokes it's fires.  So the updrafts around }    Orodruin have the nigh-godlike lifting-eagles-into-the-strasophere }    properties. }  - Sauron the all-seeing is going to notice when his precious ring is }    crusing into his front yard on an oversized parakeet.  He wasn't }    omniscient like myself, but in Middle-Earth during the Third Age, }    nobody would be better suited for sighting on an tactical air strike. } } But the most likely reason is: }  - Flying there and flying back, we wouldn't have read about the plight }    of the Aragorn heir of Isildur, the corruption of Saruman, the }    repentant sacrifice of the last Steward of Gondor, the just reward of }    Smeagol, the coming-of-age subplot for Meriadoc and Peregrin, }    Gimli's dispair and grief for his family in Khazad-dum, the final }    rest of Nazgul Witch-King... basically we'd be treated to }    two-and-a-half books worth of poems about Tom Bombadil, and }    heaven have mercy on us all if that happened. } } You owe the Oracle an ounce of sweet galenas. (go look it up)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise one, > > Is my ex just trying to make me jealous or does he love the girl he's > hanging out with now? > > ~Your faithful follower

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear YFF, } } You appear to be operating under at least two mistaken assumptions } about this particular man: } } 1. he understands his feelings } 2. he has a memory } } Let me assure you that your ex is not trying to make you jealous. I } hate to be the one to tell you, but if he's hanging around with a new } girl, he's forgotten you exist. Don't get me wrong - he still has } memories of the relationship you shared, but he doesn't really } comprehend that you still exist in the present. Causing you mental } stress is not something he either wants to do or is trying to do. His } greatest wish is that you stop comprehending that he exists in the } present. I am not suggesting you do so, just trying to give you an } insight into his feeble little mind. } } Whether he loves the girl or not - well, he probably thinks he does, } but, trust the Oracle - this particular gentleman is not emotionally } mature enough to understand and express his feelings. } } Good luck in your pursuit of future relationships. You will find } someone suitable to you. } } Sincerely, } } The Orannlanderscle. } } PS You owe the Oracle a promise that you will never, ever again date } anyone named Zadoc. You'd think people would have learned that by now.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm bored.... Say something amusing!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And then the giraffe says "That's not my neck!" } } The punchline isn't quite as funny without the joke, is it?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Having enduring fame is the Oracle's lot; undying he watches our > sad human lives all the while learning and laughing, > > Hwo do we know if anything is real?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} anything is real, unless declared integer. } } Sorry, an old FORTRAN joke there. } } You owe The Oracle a format statement to print a picture of Lisa.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK > THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK > THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK > THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT DOES NOT STINK

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that smell is coming from the baby Jesus. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Febreeze. Actually, just go ahead } and spritz it in the manger. Thanks.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most global in perspective, > > Europe is just as rich and white as America, where do they > get off by acting like they're morally superior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's lay it on the table and see what we find: } } ===================================================================== } |                      |       EUROPE        |     UNITED STATES    | } ===================================================================== } | 1. Predominant       |                     |                      | } |    racial grouping?  |       White         |         White        | } |                      |                     |                      | } | 2. Level of          |                     |                      | } |    affluence?        |        Rich         |          Rich        | } |                      |                     |                      | } | 3. Repository for    |                     |                      | } |    spoiled, rich     | Powerless, symbolic |    The White House   | } |    idiots with       |  royal families     |                      | } |    famous parents?   |                     |                      | } |                      |                     |                      | } | 4. Prevailing public |                     |                      | } |    opinion on:       |                     |                      | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    a. Global warming | It's bloody obvious!| Facts aren't facts   | } |                      |                     | if they mean I lose  | } |                      |                     | money.               | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    b. Terrorism      | It's a problem.     | AIIIIEEEEE! KILL!    | } |                      | Let's solve it.     | KILL! KILL! KILL     | } |                      |                     | ANYONE WHO WHIFFS OF | } |                      |                     | ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS! | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    c. Gun control    | It's bloody obvious!| You can't make your  | } |                      |                     | problems go away     | } |                      |                     | just by outlawing    | } |                      |                     | them.                | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    d. Keeping        | It's bloody obvious!| Let's outlaw         | } |       abortion legal |                     | abortion, and then   | } |                      |                     | the problem will go  | } |                      |                     | away! Hurray!        | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    e. The death      | Two wrongs don't    | Victim's families    | } |       penalty        | make a right.       | will find bloodlust  | } |                      |                     | -- I mean, peace,    | } |                      |                     | and titillation --   | } |                      |                     | I mean, closure,     | } |                      |                     | through revenge --   | } |                      |                     | I mean, justice.     | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    e. War with Iraq  | Shouldn't we have a | Look at all these    | } |                      | reason, first? Or   | bright, shiny        | } |                      | some evidence? Or   | weapons we've got!   | } |                      | something? Hello??  |                      | } |                      |                     |                      | } |    f. Food           | Let's have some     | Did somebody say     | } |                      | traditional         | McDonald's?          | } |                      | regional favorites  |                      | } |                      | made with fresh     |                      | } |                      | ingredients, and a  |                      | } |                      | fine wine.          |                      | } ===================================================================== } } So there you have it, supplicant. The Europeans aren't morally superior } to you at all. Just intellectually. } } You owe the Oracle a star-spangled dunce cap.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I find your lack of clue disturbing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but we do have Risk and Monopoly. Maybe you should have } started your Christmas shopping a little earlier.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me Wise One! > > I am typing this on the tiny terminal of a home that I have broken > into, the other ones weren't right. But I'm a bit  frightened. I ate > some of the  food I found down in the kitchen, that which wasn't > too spicy nor leftovers. I, I, accidentally broke some of the furniture. > I was lost in the woods Oracle, this is the only place I could > find. Oh, Oracle I'm sleepy and scared. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, when they arrive home, you have several options. } } 1. SIMPLE AND HONEST } } "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bear, and little guy. I know this looks bad, } but I was lost in the woods, and I -- wait -- what're you -- no, } don't -- AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" } } *chomp* *chomp* *chomp* >URRRP!< } } That didn't work so well. Well, there's always ... } } 2. CREATE A DISTRACTION SO YOU CAN SNEAK OUT UNNOTICED } } "Oh hi there, my little beehive-licker. Is my furry lovesy-wuvvsy } here to get all satiated for a long winter's hibernation? ... Wait, } who's she?  ...  What do you mean, you don't know me? After last night, } and two weeks ago, and on Valentine's Day, and in the forest, and } in the crystalline chuckling stream, and on top of the refrigerator, } and in your bed, YOU'RE SAYING YOU DON'T KNOW ME?" } } That has potential, but Mrs. Bear has two paws, and she could take } you out with one swipe while dealing with her husband. How about ... } } 3. STRIKE FEAR IN THEIR URSINE HEARTS } } "Oh, you're PERFECT! You'll look great in front of the fireplace, } right by the new love seat. Now, hold still ... " } } Either they'll bolt out the door in terror, or they'll run with your } idea and YOU'LL wind up in front of the fireplace. No better than } fifty-fifty odds. Well, we could try ... } } 4. CONFUSE THEM } } "I'm a bear, and you're all little girls. RAAWWWRR!" } } Nope. They'll just say "What was all THAT about?" as they're picking } bits of you out of their teeth. Then, maybe ... } } 5. PEPPER SPRAY } } *PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHT* (cough, cough, cough) "Rats, I forgot" } (cough) "that spraying pepper spray in a little enclosed space" (cough) } "like a cabin" (cough) "wasn't such a good ideaAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!" } } *chomp* *chomp* *chomp* >URP!< } } "Mmmm, zesty! Honey, pick us up some of that neat marinade she had, } okay?" } } You know, the options just aren't looking so good. I think you } should've asked me for advice BEFORE you tried to burglarize the } home of lethally strong, man-eating carnivores, not AFTER. I mean, } I'm all-knowing, and I'm here to serve, but you gotta work with me } a little. } } You owe the Oracle your wishbone.