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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes you so smart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's a long path to intelligence such as mine.  Actually, for the } first few hundred years I wasn't THAT smart.  I spent a lot of time } enjoying immortality, exploring this world and others like it, taking } tea with strange gods, rescuing beautiful monsters from savage } princesses, and generally having a bloody HELL of a good time. }  After that, I met some Elder Gods, still had sex with millions of } women, beat venereal disease with the help of Zeus (he has a good number } of home remedies, not the least of which is advertising the fact that } he'll strike dead any woman who doesn't tell him she has it), got really } rocked off my <nff> CONSTANTLY (that nectar is pretty strong stuff), and } fell in with the Delphi gang. }   A few thousand years later, I had spent a fair amount of time in } Alexandria studying human knowledge and in Roath Prime studying Immortal } knowledge.  I became quite a recluse.  The Olympiads had, by this point, } skipped off to some other existance for an extended coffee break.  ( } They never DID come back, come to think of it.  Maybe they were just } trying to shake me.  Hmmm ) }   After THAT, I became the Oracle and gathered a following in this } space-time.  Does that answer you question, mortal?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Groovy and Cool! Oh Knower of Knowledge so Great and Divine! > Oh Mystic Mind of Fantastic Proportions! Answer, oh Answer this > Question of Mine: > > Where and when and how did you come into this reality, man? > (I'm writing an oracular biography and, like, really need to know.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the First and the Last.  I am the Alpha and the Omega.  I am the } Beginning and the End.  I am all that has ever been, and all that will } ever be.  From the beginning of Time until the end of Eternity I stand, } watching, waiting, knowing. } } P.S.  If you happen to run across any cute female Oracles, please tell }       me.  Billions and billions of years is a long time, you know.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the brotherhood (frats) are the creme de la creme of manliness, > why then must they import naive Freshmen as "little sisters?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly child, think about it. If you were a no-brain greek, only } interested in physical pleasures, (like many unenlightened male humans } are, I'm afraid) which would you rather want? A young, naive freshman, } who'll be willing to do <almost> anything just to be in the `in' crowd? } (Or what she THINKS is the in crowd. They DO have lotsa parties) Or an } older, wiser woman who'll probably be wanting, ICK!, a RELATIONSHIP?? }   Greeks are unenlightened dolts. So are many men. It makes me wonder } about how much my childhood was different, being almost ten thousand } years ago. Of course, come to think of it, we (Zeus and the `in' gods) } kinda did the same thing. Instead of dating (or f***ing) goddesses, we } went with naive, easily impressed mortals. (The nymphs, on the other } hand.... WHOA. Too bad they left a while ago for Dryanna. Oh well) I } guess things haven't changed that much after all. It's just the } thousands of years giving me perspective. And I'm still young for a } divinity! }   This is why. } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Graecian formula } The Oracle has reminisced.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the answer to this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clever, very clever. But not clever enough. You see, my son, that `What } is the answer to this question?' can be changed in a few steps to an } equivalent, which will show us the true question. }  1) What is the solution to this problem? }  2) Solve this problem. }  3) What is this problem? } Step 1 is from the observation that `answer'=solution and } `question'=problem. } Step 2 simplifies `What is the solution', which means simply `Solve'. } Now, we see that the trick is that the problem is to solve what the } problem is, and thus step 3. Therefore, `answer' was an extraneous } element in the question. We have, however, a solution. }  The problem is to find out what the problem is. }  The answer is "What is the question?" (This is a solution, not a } request for more information) } You might not like the answers, but they are the answers to your } question. } You owe the Oracle a service: Cut out one inch by 1/2 inch strips of } your skin at regular intervals. Go swimming in the ocean. Then walk } around with a Portugeuse man-o-war in your shorts. } The Oracle has riposted.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there such a thing as oracle sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh you ignorant human!  Don't you realize by now that Oracles are much } beyond such simple pleasures as what you refer to as "sex."  Oracles } share something vaguely similar to human sex, but on a much higher } level than any lowlife such as yourself could fathom.  The feeling is } much more sensational than anything you will ever experience, so I } won't bother trying to explain.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where should I send my payment for your services. > It's hard to get 1000 quarts of sperm into ethernet packets.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In my infinite wisdom, I have established branch offices at various } points around the world. I believe the one in the United States would } be most convenient for you? Send your sperm to this address: } } The Almighty } 1600 Pennsylvania Ave } Washington, D.C. } } Note: the zipcode is unimportant; the mail system will know for whom you } intend the package.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a Man walk down before they call him a woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only one road:  Virginia State Road 51, down by Croaker, the road } leading to Joe-Bob's Fried Chicken and Sex Change Restaurant.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do people wear ties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ties are symbolic phalli.  People with small genital organs, of either } sex, wear ties to pretend that they are not inferior in this way.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty propheseer, > I'm a joke subject, and frankly am annoyed at some of the things the > jokemakers make me do. For instance, about thirty-five times in the last > month they've had me smash into things with that inane `Two guys walk > into a bar. It sure hurt! Yuk, yuk' Yuck indeed. My friend is still in > intensive care. And they have us do perverse things over and over. Like > the `Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking it's nuts. One > says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!" the other turns to him and says, > "Shouldn't you get to know him better?"' Boy, that was SURE funny. > Though it did get OLD THE NINETY TIMES WE HAD TO DO IT! >   Please, Oracle, tell me how I can escape from this job. I didn't sin > THAT badly to be sent to joke-hell!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Actually, there is a very easy way out of this.  Since you are } a joke subject, you know every punch-line that there is, so you can } become anarchistic/chaotic really easily, and in a constructive way } (though it may cost you your job, but I know thisis the point).  Every } time someone tries to use you as a subect, you tell the punchline as } early into the joke as you can... } }       For instanec, were the oracle to take your job, it would sound } like this... }               Oracle shouts,"FISH!" }               Just as the joker start in with, "How many } suurrealists... oh, you've heard that one." } }       See, makes the job a little better. }       However, the only true way to escape form joke-hell is to make } sure that no one gets the joke (FISH!).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your favorite sexual position?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Am I to assume this is a question of advise? } } From the way I can tell you will be sitting, your favourite position } would be on your neighbour's kitchen table, with the egg whisk and } mayonaise. } } My favourite position on the other hand is exactly the opposite. } } Read the manual entry for grep as penance for for sexual depravity } during working hours.