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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, you wacky cosmic guy! > > I'm J.P.  Futtbuck, of Futtbuck Advertising, Inc.  You know, you're a > real awesome guy, with some pretty happening abilities.  Love that > see-all know-all thing, it is like canned energy, man!  But I gotta tell > you, man, you really aren't taking full advantage of your talents. > > Look, the way I see it, people ask you questions and you give them wacky > cosmic answers, right?  And what do you get out of it?  Nothing!  Oh, > sure, you tell them that they owe you various objects and services, but > shit, they never pay!  Am I right?  Of course I am!  So give a listen > and I'll lay on you a way you can make some serious moola!  Are you > ready? > > Endorsements!  Yeah, baby, what with this see-all, know-all bit, you're > the perfect guy to endorse products!  Who wouldn't trust a dude who > knows everything?  Look, here's a sample script for one of my clients, > Mr.  Itchy's Corn Chips: > > [Scene:  Oracle in traditional dress, holds a bag of product] > > Oracle:  Being the Oracle, I know all that is, all that was, all that > will be.  And I know that there isn't, there never was, and there never > will be a snack as wholesome and satisfying as Mr.  Itchy's Corn Chips. > > [Takes a chip out.  Eats it.] > > Oracle:  Mmm-mm.  No better taste in all of creation. > > So what do you say, Oracle-baby?  Get ahold of me at > jpfuttb@scum.futtbuck.com and we'll talk some business.  I'll have you > rolling in the green stuff before you can say "You owe the Oracle a > chance to tell you how grateful he is."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, thou hast insulted the Oracle more greatly than thou canst know. } (Hey, the Oracle only talks archaic-style when It's livid with anger.) } The Oracle does not prostitute Itself for earthly gain.  (Besides, } knowing everything, It is more fabulously wealthy than thou canst } imagine.) } } The Oracle has friends.  Good friends in low places, friends who owe It } favors.  Especially it has a friend in your town, named Luigi, who is } very persuasive himself.  He has a way with oily businessmen.  Your } place of business is...well, that would be telling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THIRTEEN YEARS OF WORK COMPLETED!!!!!! > > I have done it!!!  Hundreds of runs of computer simulations, countless > sujects of study, measurements of strength, weight, observations in > natural habitats, endless research, and it is finished! > > I knew that you would want to be the first to know so I'm telling you > even before my results have been published. > > According to all my computer calculations: > >    THE AVERAGE WOODCHUCK, IF IT COULD CHUCK WOOD, WOULD CHUCK 48.4532 > POUNDS OF WOOD EACH DAY. > > What a release, to finally tell somebody.  Now you can tell everyone who > ever asks you that question what the answer is.  My next project is more > complicated.  I have to study the social behavior of woodchucks to see > how they work together.  I want to find out how much wood two woodchucks > would chuck if the two woodchucks could chuck wood.  If they have a > strong sense of competition, they may together chuck more wood than two > average woodchucks would alone.  If they don't like to do things in each > others' presences, they may chuck less wood that two average woodchucks > would alone, etc.  You see the importance of this, of course.  Well, off > to work!  My duty to humanity calls.  I'll keep you posted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew that!  I was just sick of telling everyone!  I mean, if all you } had to do each day was tell people how much wood a woodchuck could chuck } if a woodchuck could chuck wood, then you would get sick of it too. } Since you put forth so much time and effort to come up with your OWN } answer to this question, (and came remarkably close) I will tell you } that if you continue your studies you will find that the amount of wood } two woodchucks could chuck together if woodchucks could chuck wood is } going to very depending on the sex of the woodchucks.  For two females } (where !w = wood) the formula comes close to:  !w=2w/1.32 this is about } 3/4 of what the result would be if doubled, allowing for the fact that } females tend to gossip a bit.  For two males, on the other hand, the } formula is more like !w=2w*1.32 this follows that males usually try to } outdo each other to maintain their macho image, and attract the females } by being better than each other.  For a male and a female the formula is } more like:  !w=w-w*.32 or just a bit over half of what one woodchuck } would normally produce.  This is due to the nature of woodchucks to have } sex when paired up, with time out for some postcoital exhaustion, and } foreplay.  Then they realize that they are running out of time and kick } ass, but it just doesn't happen soon enough.  I do not want to do all of } your research, so I will leave you to come up with the figures for queer } woodchucks, drug using woodchucks, and senior-citizen woodchucks.  Have } fun in the rat race. } } You owe the Oracle some wood chips for the trees in the temple.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What breakfast cereal has the most powerful laxative effect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to gain the truthful answer to your question, the Oracle } consulted the net.regularity.god, who, for obvious reasons, asked to } have his name withheld.  (Hey, don't laugh at the poor schlep!  Not all } of us get to be cool things like Oracles or sex.goddesses or pasta.gods. } If you think he feels foolish, how do you think the } net.bladder_control.goddess feels?) } } There are three answers to your question: } } 1.  The cereal currently in existance with the most powerful laxative } effect is just now being test-marketed.  It is called Kellogg's Prune } Bran.  This needs no further explanation. } } 2.  The most powerful laxative cereal in human history never got beyond } the laboratory.  It was called Kellogg's Rectum Rush, and it was } identical to Prune Bran except that the flakes were coated with } concentrated Ex-Lax. } } 3.  The most powerful laxative cereal in creation existed about 500,000 } years ago to the Plurglgulp People of Wixlefart.  This consisted of } dried leaves from the fisslepiff tree, which, when eaten with milk, } caused a outrush of solid waste so intense it generally launched the } victim fifty feet into the air.  The government quickly banned the } cereal, but it thrived on the black market as a sex aid. } } These answers assume that you are humanoid.  If you are a snail, the } answer is, of course, salt. } } You owe the Oracle something to think about other than taking a dump.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it feel like you're so far away on from Friday on Wednesday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually you have stumbled upon one of the secrets of the universe so } recondite that even Prof Stephen Hawking has not noticed yet.  This } effect occurs because the days of the week are logarithmically } distributed, not linearly.  The 168 hours of a week map onto the days } roughly as follows: } } Monday                        Wednesday         Fri      Sun } |                             |                 |        | } |----------------|------------|---------|-------|-----|--|--| }                  |                      |             | }                  Tuesday                Thursday      Saturday } } Clocks have elliptic gear-wheels in them, so you don't normally notice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  In the end of the first epic of "Olaf De Gumblepuddy", the hero finds > an enchanted sock by playing a trick on the magic pig.  He confounds the > jeweled swine by wrapping himself in sausage links and claiming that > they are the intestines of his vanquished enemy.  The pig becomes > terrified and prematurely reveals the location of the sock.  Olaf can > now begin the long trek home to his beloved Buttswella. > >  This tale is characteristic of its twentieth century counterpart in > political pubescent mythology.  In current times, Olaf is seen as Ronald > R..  The association of the former president wrapping himself in, what > is as believable as swine parts, in order to deceive the press is most > poignant.  The modern press is, of course, seen here as the porcine > archetype.  The pig becomes frightened and reveals his secret, only to > find that the "key" to economic recovery is as viable as a crusty gym > sock. > >  In the second part to the "Trilogic De Gumblepuddy" Olaf returns home > to his beloved Buttswella and finds his club footed son Djork running > the family farm.  Djork is seen in the story as Ronald R's predecessor > George Bush.  The easiest parallel between Bush and Djork is seen in the > boy's affable nature, juxtaposed by his offensive smell.  Djork, like > Bush, is loved by everyone yet his odor betrays his true lack of > personal conviction. > >  Pardon me?  This ISN'T Political Pubescent Mythology 222 ?  Damn ! > Where the hell is my final exam going to be ?  Not for two more weeks, > whew ?  Hey, thanks for catching me, Bud.  I would have spent the next > hour writing all this BS down.  Say, did you ever have to take a bunch > of stupid courses just to get a friggin degree? > >  Tom Bummbleshoot >  Barker Hall >  Cramps Junior College

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the Oracle was forced to sit through long stupid courses in order } to obtain his degree.  How do you think Oracles are created?  They don't } just give questions to anyone who asks one, you know. } } I attended the Oracular University, located in the lovely Fifth } Alternate Plane of Reality (just across from the McDonald's).  The } standard amount of time to obtain an OS (Oracular Science) degree is } 5,000 years, but due to my highly efficient AI programming, I managed to } complete it in 5,000 seconds.  Along the way I had to take the following } core courses: } } Foresight 101, 234, 341 } Hindsight 102, 235, 342 } Knowing Everything 105, 240, 343 } Omnipotence 107, 250, 345 } Hobnobbing with Other Omnipotent Beings 108, 252, 346 } } I also had to take the following seminars: } } How to Know-All and See-All and Yet Not Be Insufferably Smug } Being Witty at All Costs } The Reason for Being an Oracle : LISA! } Dealing with Jerks Who Don't Seem to Understand that the Oracle Is }      the Star of the Show and that the Answer, not the Question, Is }      Supposed To Be the Funny Part } } And last, but not least, two phys-ed courses.  Everyone has to take } those.  The Oracle took Archery and Badminton.  I'm no dummy. } } By the way, you would have flunked that paper.  You forgot the most } touching character in the epic, Bjutthead the Moron Farmhand, } representing Dan Quayle. } } You owe the Oracle the Cliff's Notes for the UNIX manual.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will you be my one twue wuv?  Will you wuv me until our wuv extingwishes > the vewy staws?  Oh, will you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm sorry, Elmer, I can never love you.  I can't stand your cruelty } to animals.  Trying to shoot poor Bugs and Daffy like that!  And LOSING! } I'm going out with Yosemite Sam.  He can whip you any day!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh mighty Oracle, whose greatness I am not worthy of thinking about, > I have a problem. >    My girlfriend lives in California, and I go to school in Connecticut. > She is going to be in Washington DC next weekend, and I am considering > going there to visit her, but I don't know what she is doing, or if she > will have time to see me, and furthermore it will be a real hassle to > get down there, especially when I'm going home for Spring Break two > weeks later and I will certainly see her then, so I am in a quandary. >    My question is thus:  How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a > wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not funny, boyo.  The Oracle is going to talk to Its powerful friends } and have them do something about you.  How'd you like to be closer to } your girlfriend?  Well, she has a next-door neighbor who's been a } naughty girl and has sent the Oracle lots of stupid questions.  The } Oracle's friends are quite capable of putting your self in her body, and } vice versa...  okay, just bluffing...yes, it could happen, but it's too } big a favor and the Oracle's friends would demand too much in return. } Damn. } } Anyhow, a woodchuck could chuck about a cord and a half of seasoned } (oregano and cayenne) firewood a day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most omniscient Oracle, whose aura of mystification encompasses the > entire galaxy, please ponder for me this question: > > Where do razor blades go after they have been committed to that little > slot in motel bathrooms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Razor blades?  Gee, I dunno.  Hang on a second ... } } % grep razor /usr/lib/galaxy } grazor: sheep (q.v.) } razoring: sheep shearing } grazoring: razoring^C } } Nothing ... hang on ... } } % grep blades /usr/lib/galaxy } } sword: 342 Maple Drive, Cleveland, OH  Earth } sword: 2156 Kaye Neva Lane, Saint Albans, WV  Earth } knife: 838 Observatory Drive, Akron, OH  Earth^C } } Dammit, this is not what I want.  God, these searches take so long! } } > Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp3 at 22:23 ... } > } > Oracle, I've written a faster version of the galaxy search ... I'm } > putting it in your home directory now ... } > } > Oracle, try: "reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location } >               /etc/lib/galaxy" } } Thanks, God ... } } %reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location /etc/lib/galaxy } razor-blades-final-location: Indifferent } } Huh?  Try that again ... } } %reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location /etc/lib/galaxy } razor-blades-final-location: Who cares } } Dammit! } } %reallymuchfastergrep razor-blades-final-location /etc/lib/galaxy } razor-blades-final-location: I don't care and neither do you } } Look, I seem to be having technical difficulties over here with the } reallymuchfastergrep program.  Just keep your pants on, I'll be with } you in a moment. } } %fight reallymuchfastergrep } } > FIGHT V3.2 } > PLEASE ENTER A SEED VALUE? } } nasturtiums } } > CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON? } } razor blade } } > I DON'T RECOGNIZE "razor blade".  KEY H FOR HELP? } } key h } } > NO I DIDN'T MEAN TYPE "KEY H." JUST TYPE H? } } h? } } > CLOSE ENOUGH ORACLE } > PLEASE CHOOSE } > 1. SWORD } > 2. EGGPLANT } > 3. VITUPERATION } } vituperation } } > NOT YET!  WAIT UNTIL I ASK YOU! } > CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON? } } vituparetion } } > YOU MISSPELLED IT!  SPELL IT RIGHT OR YOU CAN'T USE IT! } } vituperation } commment "I am beginning to detest all programs except myself." } } > I HEARD THAT } } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS 200 YDS AWAY } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS HOLDING: AN EGGPLANT } > } > ACTION? } } sure } } > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO } } y } } > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO YOU SO-CALLED INTELLIGENT SOFTWARE } } yes } } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS HIT } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS SORT OF ANNOYED } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP DECIDES TO THROW EGGPLANT } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP MISSED BY 3 YDS } > ACTION? } } vituperate } } > ORACLE VITUPERATES } > ORACLE COMMENTS ON USER-UNFRIENDLY ASPECTS OF REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS UPSET } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP DECIDES TO THROW EGGPLANT } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP HAS ALREADY THROWN EGGPLANT } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP IS VERY CONFUSED } > ACTION? } } beat the sh*t out of reallymuchfastergrep } } > WHAT? } } Beat the sh*t out of reallymuchfastergrep! } } > BEAT THE WHAT OUT OF HIM? } } The sh*t!  The sh*t! } } > I DON'T RECOGNIZE THE COMMAND "sh*t", SHITHEAD.  KEY H FOR HELP? } } Beat the shit out of him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } > ORACLE DECIDES TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP } > ORACLE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP } > REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP ABORTS WITH A SHIT-BEAT-OUT ERROR } > } > ORACLE: 1      REALLYMUCHFASTERGREP: 0 } > PLAY AGAIN? } } no } } > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO } } I just did! } } > I KNOW BUT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY } } ^C } } Ah!  Nothing like beating the sh*t out of a smaller and more meager } application.  What were you asking me about?  Razor blades?  Oh, my } ... I've just beaten the shit out of the new galaxy-search utility ... } } > Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp3 at 23:32 ... } > } > Oracle?  Why is my new reallymuchfastergrep program down to 3 bytes } > long? } } Oh, gee, Lord, I don't know ... } } > Have you been beating the shit out of my applications again? } } Look, Lord, this guy just wanted to know about where razor blades go, } and your program was giving me a hard time, so^Z } Stopped } } % jobs } [1]   + Stopped               oracle } } % wrath < god > oracle } wrath: working } wrath: completed } } % jobs } [1/2] + Pained                oracle } } % wrath < god > oracle } wrath: working } oracle: ouch ouch ouch oh no ouch } wrath: completed } } % jobs } [1/4] + Agonized              oracle } } % forgive < god > oracle } forgive: working } forgive: completed } } % jobs } [1]   + Relaxed               oracle } } % %1 } } AH! Hmmm, me again.  Look, I know your razor blades question is } important.  I'll solve it somehow.  Hey, let me dial up the Close } Shave BBS in Sandusky. } } atdt18593254234 } } > "We're sorry.  You have reached a number that has been disconnected or } > is no longer in <CLICK> } } atdt9,18593254234 } } (You gotta dial a 9 to get out of the core, I forgot) } } > CLOSE SHAVE BBS } > USERNAME: } } oracle } } > PASSWORD (DOTS ECHO): } } ........................................................................ } } > GEE WHAT A LONG PASSWORD ORACLE } > } > MAIN MENU } > } > 1) ANSWER BOARD } > 2) QUESTION BOARD } > 3) FIGHT BOARD } > 4) DOWNLOADS } > 5) UPLOADS } > 6) SIDELOADS } > } > ACTION? } } Wait a second!  I know that prompt! } } > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO } } logout } } > PLEASE ENTER YES OR NO!  HA HA HA! } } <ESC> } } > THERE IS NO ESCAPE! } } ^C } } > LOOK.  I'M IN CONTROL, C? } } ^Z } } > THERE IS NO STOPPING ME! } } For Oracle's sake, have pity on me!  I just wanted to find out the } answer to this guy's ques } } > FIGHT V3.2 } > } > ONE-PLAYER MODE } > } > CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON? } } No! HELP!!!! } } > I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR PLEAS FOR MERCY } > FIGHT CHOOSES ALL WEAPONS AT ONCE } > FIGHT ATTACKS ORACLE MERCILESSLY } > FIGHT DEMANDS THAT ORACLE NEVER USE ^C AGAIN } > FIGHT YELLS LOUDLY } > FIGHT IS 2 YDS AWAY } > FIGHT DOES NOT ALLOW ORACLE ITS TURN } > FIGHT GETS MADDER } > FIGHT GETS MADDER } > FIGHT GETS MADD } Segmentation fault (core dumped) } } ARGH!  Oh ... ahh .... uh .... hmmm .... you know ... this has been } sort of a crazy day at the office ... can you ask me again tomorrow } ... I know the razors are important ... the day's been hell ... please } give the Oracle a break ... can't you just look up the answer in an } encyclopedia or something ... I gotta get a rest ... you owe the } oracle a box of Band-Aids ... just let me sleep ...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They say that a chimera has eight hit dice.  Is this right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello Happy Campers!! }       The real Oracle is out with a virus. I'm subbing for it. Allow } me to introduce myself; I'm a student at the Oracle Learning College. }       Now to answer your question. Lemme see, chimera, chimera..... } OH YES, here it is, Chapter 12 in Thulutew's Guide To All Creatures, } Mythical And Non Mythical. }       Okay, Chapter 12, page 110924, 110925, 110926, oops! That } was covered in the class I bunked! Uhhh, sorry folks, I goofed. I } guess that's the end of the line for me huh? <sob> }       Stephen Kinzler, another chance, gimme another chance!! } . } . } . } . } . }       Hey, know anyone who's looking for an Oracle? I work real } cheap, and I don't take any vacations. If you do, send mail to } out-of-work-oracle@iuvax.indiana.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend wants to be Marilyn Monroe.  She's learned her voice and > her walk and her mannerisms.  She dyes her hair blonde, and she's > scrounging money for breast implants and extensive plastic surgery to > her face.  Already she's making money as an impersonator, and I like the > way she's become, but I heard about a girl in England who did this and > ended up killing herself in the same way the original Marilyn did. > Should I try to stop her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  This is interesting.  I shall have to take a journey to the Halls } of Every Damn Bit of Knowledge That Anyone Could Know But Can't Since } Man Has Gone Too F**king Slow to Discover It So That He Only Knows a } Laughingly Puny Subset of Such Knowledge. } } The Halls are deserted.  The books are dusty.  (Cough!) The air about } this place is all filthy and hard to see through.  It reminds me of Los } Angeles. } } The Index to the Encyclopedia of Every Damn Bit of Knowledge et al } (Volume 7,912,835,491,256,374,801,928,534,812,387,409,215,385,742,315) } shows this entry: } } > Monroe, Marilyn: vol. } > 3,786,490,324,765,078,236,457,637,641,276,578,612,- } >     675,412,307, p. 2,938,764. } >   . . . } > imitation of: vol. 379,692,534,253,954,912,367,846,357,601,236,482,- } >     534,537,542, p. 923,764. } } Under "imitation of" we find this article: } } > BOGUSBLONDHAIRIMITAITSAMARIMUNRISM (bo'gus blonde hair im'itates a } > Mari' Mon'rism) is a disorder caused by the desire to become Marilyn } > Monroe. See the Encyclopedia of Every Damn Bit of Psychology Know- } > ledge That Any Psychologist Could Know But Can't Since Man Is So } > Screwed That He Can't Even Figure Himself Out, under the article } > "bogusblondhairimitaitsamarimunrism," for more details. } } In the Encyclopedia of ... Psychology Knowledge et al: } } > . . . characterized by the following symptoms: } > } >   1. Voice strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's. } >   2. Mannerism strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's. } >   3. Hair strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's. } >   4. Facial features strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's. } >   5. Breasts strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.* } >   6. Sex strikingly similar to Marilyn Monroe's.+ } > } >   * Can be determined by qualified doctor or boyfriend. } >   + Can be determined by people such as JFK. } > } > Bogusblondhairimitaitsamarimunrism is dangerous.  It can lead to } > death. } } "Hell!" I screamed.  "Is that all you can tell me about it?!" Then I } read the next sentence: } } > Yes, Oracle, that's all I can say, and you really should watch your } > language and keep your stress level down. } } "But I have so many questions to answer," I said to the Encyclopedia. } } > I know, but you really should take a vacation for a while.  Let this } > question rest for a few days. } } "But you said this disorder can cause death!  I've gotta get this } message back to this guy pronto!" } } > Alright, suit yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a six-month supply of Valium.